


A Safe Place

by dizzywhiz, thewalkinghufflepuff



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blangst, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Feelings, It'll All Be Okay, M/M, Not Sebastian friendly, Season 6 Rewrite, Slow Burn, a long journey, but pretty mild, deep deep love, just warnings for an unhealthy relationship tbh, kangst?, klaine endgame, kurt angst, like definitely not, like soulmate love, lots of feelings, lots of pain, sebastian is not good, warning for emotionally abusive relationship, warning for possible future physical abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24173674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzywhiz/pseuds/dizzywhiz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewalkinghufflepuff/pseuds/thewalkinghufflepuff
Summary: Season 6 AU where instead of Blaine dating Karofsky, he's with Sebastian, otherwise known as Kurt's worst nightmare. Kurt's devastated, but he quickly learns the pain runs deeper than his own feelings of regret. Will Kurt be able to fix what was ruined during their second breakup, or is he destined to lose Blaine to Sebastian forever? Canon divergent, Season 6 rewrite.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 154
Kudos: 176
Collections: Glee





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> we got to talking about how different kurt and blaine's reunion arc in season 6 would've been if blaine had dated sebastian, as the writers originally intended, instead of karofsky, and how it would've been so much harder for kurt. what started as a discussion turned into us starting a multi-chapter, angsty as hell exploration.
> 
> we're all in for an emotional ride, but we all know our boys. they find each other and fall in love in every lifetime :')

Kurt recognized he had screwed up a bit. Okay, so maybe more than a little bit, a _lot,_ actually, but at least he was acknowledging it, right? Three months ago, he had made the worst decision of his life by breaking up with the love of his life. Three months ago, he had thought he was doing the right thing by calling off the engagement. Three months ago, he wasn’t happy, and he thought the best thing to do was run. 

Now, Kurt was acutely feeling the consequences of what he had done. Three months later, he was fully aware that running was the _worst_ thing he could have possibly done. Three months later, he was broken and alone.

Ironically, this wasn’t uncharted territory. He had one breakup with Blaine under his belt already, but the differences in this one were painfully obvious. Last time, even though Kurt felt betrayed in the worst way, he and Blaine barely went a week without talking, couldn’t be in the same room without exchanging meaningful glances that led to the two of them falling all over one another. This breakup felt so much more _final._ It felt so much more _real._ He and Blaine weren’t talking at all anymore, hadn’t had a real conversation since that fight in the rain at what used to be their favorite restaurant in the city. Blaine packed up his things and was out of the loft in the blink of an eye, and Kurt had to hear it from the grapevine months later that Blaine dropped out of NYADA and moved back to Ohio.

The news was a shock to Kurt’s system. Before the breakup, he couldn’t have fathomed a single reason for either of them to ever move back to Lima, and it suddenly hit him just how badly he must have hurt Blaine. Not that Kurt himself was faring any better; his grades by the end of the semester were fine, sure, but he felt like a zombie at best most days. After some failed attempts to get back into the dating scene, Kurt knew under no uncertain terms that Blaine was his soulmate, his once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, and he’d ruined it. 

However, Kurt was also a romantic at heart. If they were truly soulmates, they’d find their way back to each other again, right? They had to. But Kurt couldn’t stand messing it up a third time. No, if he was going to get Blaine back again, he had to do it right. Kurt spent the remainder of the summer focusing on himself, talking to a therapist and learning so much more about communication and give and take and compromise and all the things he needed to work on. By the time the fall semester started, Kurt was able to take ownership for what went wrong between them, and not just in a self-deprecating-blame kind of way. 

Once his work-study requirement offered him the opportunity to coach the New Directions with Rachel back in Ohio, Kurt knew exactly what he had to do. He may have never seen himself going back to Ohio, but he’d do anything for Blaine. 

He’d do _anything_ to get Blaine back, and leaving New York for a semester felt as easy a choice as breathing. He screwed up so badly, and he had to own up to the consequences. Now, though, at least he had a plan to fix it. 

He and Rachel had been talking, and after finding out that Rachel was still in contact with Blaine, he had convinced her to set up a time for the two men to meet at Scandals and talk. There, Kurt could fix his mistakes and prove himself, and, soon enough, he’d have his love back again.

He was ready.

However, their _meeting_ (not a date, Kurt) was scheduled for the next night, and Kurt found himself at Between the Sheets in the meantime, looking for sheet music for the New Directions. He planned to spend the most of next day lesson-planning before it was time to meet Blaine, but he was caught looking for the soundtrack of Smash that they just didn’t seem to have.

“How do you call yourselves a sheet music store if you don’t have the soundtrack to _Smash_?” Kurt muttered mindlessly to himself, flipping through the stacks of music for what feels like the millionth time. 

“Well, I certainly didn’t miss hearing your voice at all. I thought you were hiding away in New York?” 

Kurt’s head snapped up, and he groaned internally when he saw the face of who he was looking at. He felt a familiar twisting in his stomach at the sight of none other than Sebastian Smythe. God, couldn’t he go anywhere in this town without running into someone he knew?

“Hello to you too, meerkat. I’m guessing the show about your miserable life with the CW is going well, cause your hair certainly hasn’t changed at all,” Kurt retorted. If Sebastian was good for anything, he always offered Kurt the opportunity to sharpen his wit.

Sebastian smiled in that same stupid way he had in high school, and Kurt could hardly surpress a groan. Gross. “Neither has your bitchy attitude, apparently,” Sebastian sneered.

Kurt rolled his eyes. “What do you want, Sebastian? I’m sure there’s nothing holding you to that spot, forcing you to antagonize me,” he sighed. “I don’t have the time for you, and I am sure you have better things to be doing as well.”

“As much as I would love to not be standing here right now, I can’t exactly leave. I’m waiting for someone.” Sebastian held eye contact with his stupid meerkat smirk, and Kurt was two seconds away from grabbing the nearest piece of sheet music to use as a weapon. Could you give someone _else_ a papercut?

Just when he laid his hands onto the pieces of papers, ready to pounce, an oh-so-familiar gelled mess of hair greeted the two standing in the store. Kurt could instantly feel his heart jump into his throat, his pulse quickening. It couldn’t be.

“Hey babe, are you ready to get out of here? Y’know, for a music store, you’d really think they’d carry the soundtrack to _Smash._ ” 

Sebastian’s grin widened knowingly as he cocked an eyebrow, staring at Kurt, who couldn’t hide the look of shock on his face. Those words were so familiar, so _casually intimate,_ and for a split second, Kurt thought they were directed at him. He heard a gasp, quickly realizing it was from his own mouth and clamping his jaw shut. Sebastian’s dumb little smirk snapped him back into the reality of what he was looking at. No. _No._

Kurt’s life was falling apart right before his very eyes. Of all scenarios, of all lifetimes, all alternate universes, this is not something he ever would have expected. And now he was utterly paralyzed.

Blaine slid in next to Sebastian with a little bounce in his step, not yet noticing the figure across from them, partially disguised by the aisle partition. He looked to meet eye contact with Sebastian, and when his boyfriend didn’t meet his eyes, Blaine followed his gaze to… _oh._

“Hey, um, Kurt,” he gulped, a crack in his voice betraying him. Blaine could feel the tension seeping down over the trio, and wished he was anywhere but here in this moment. What were the odds of the floor having a trap door he could open and disappear into? Zero. Obviously. _Fuck_. He was frozen, feeling completely unequipped to handle the impossibly awkward situation he had suddenly found himself in, a situation he hoped to _never_ find himself in.

Kurt said nothing, staring back at the two with wide eyes and an unidentifiable look on his face. Blaine felt Sebastian’s arm snake around his waist, and all of a sudden, his boyfriend’s lips were on his in a way that was _way_ too passionate and deep for any public setting, let alone _this current_ setting, and he was trying not to freak out. Sure, Sebastian was his boyfriend, and kissing him was fine, usually, but this was wrong. So wrong. 

Blaine pressed lightly with his hands against Sebastian’s chest, attempting to push him off. Sebastian lingered a moment longer, wordlessly showing Blaine that he would pull away when _he_ was ready to pull away. Once he finally did, he was grinning, and Blaine felt his heart sink when he looked back up at Kurt. This is _not_ how he wanted his first meeting with Kurt to go. The possibility of _this_ happening, in fact, hadn’t even been on his radar. 

Anyone with eyes could tell that Kurt was about two seconds away from crying. His eyes were that particular too-bright shade of blue that Blaine knew all too well, and he felt not much further from tears himself.

Kurt muttered something that Blaine couldn’t really make out, something about having to leave, having somewhere to be, perhaps, and hurried out of the store, dropping the sheet music he had obviously been planning to buy. He looked like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough, and Blaine felt a pang in his chest. Watching Kurt walk away from him was never easy, but Blaine almost had to grip the shelf in front of him to keep himself from running after Kurt. He still felt emotionally responsible for Kurt, ex-fiance or not. He couldn’t help but notice that he instantly wanted to take Kurt’s side over his own boyfriend’s, but he pushed the thought away as quickly as it came into his mind. 

Sebastian was his boyfriend now. Sebastian wanted him. Sebastian protected and took care of him. Sebastian was good.

Finally regaining control of his body, Blaine turned back to Sebastian. “Seb, that was mean,” he couldn’t help saying, taking one small chance at defending Kurt. His boyfriend just chuckled dismissively, grabbing his hand and walking with him towards the register. 

“Yeah, well so is he. Kurt’s always been a total bitch,” Sebastian remarked just as casually as he would’ve if he were talking about the weather. “I never really understood what you saw in him. Anyways, are you ready to check out?”

Instantly, Blaine felt frozen again, mouth gaping and eyebrows raised. How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? When he heard his boyfriend call his ex-fiance a bitch, the words stung just as painfully as if he himself was the one being insulted. _Why did the words sting?_

Blaine felt his head spinning. The last fifteen minutes in the sheet music store were not how he was expecting his afternoon to unfold, and confusion clouded his mind. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out, so instead, he meekly nodded his head and handed the sheet music to the cashier, refusing to make eye contact with Sebastian. 

Blaine went through the motions of handing the cashier the money without really thinking about it, his mind stuck on the hurt he had seen flash in Kurt’s eyes and the sly smile Sebastian had painted on his face after pulling away from the kiss. The moments lingered in his head, haunting him, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. _Wait, had he done something wrong?_

He quickly looked up at his boyfriend, hoping for an answer, or some sort of sign, but he was just met with that signature Smythe smile. For some reason, it almost made him want to be sick. Blaine’s shoulders dropped a bit. Everything felt heavy, and he was close to crumbling under the weight of it.

Kurt flung open the door of the music store, keeping his head down to avoid stares from the tears flooding down his face. His chest felt constricted, his breathing shallow, his face flushed red, and he felt like he might explode. The minute, the _instant,_ he got into his car, he told himself, was the minute he would let himself lose all of his composure. The parking lot never felt so large, and his car seemed impossibly far away. He wasn’t sure if he could make it.

He held on, though, the choked back sobs making quiet noise and the tears threatening to flow but not cascading down his face quite yet. Any determination he’d felt, any positivity towards his future with Blaine was gone in an instant, the hole in his heart growing rapidly and feeling more raw than ever. That really couldn’t have gone any worse. 

Kurt flung himself into the drivers’ seat and slammed the door shut, managing to insert the key into the ignition car to turn on the AC with shaky hands. He reached for the radio dial, choosing a random station for some music that would hopefully give him some comfort and play as accompaniment to his inevitable breakdown. 

Leaning forward against the steering wheel and resting his head on his hands, Kurt finally let himself sob. He felt like he’d been holding it in for a lifetime, though it couldn’t have been more than a minute or two. In reality, he’d booked it out of the music store faster than he thought was humanly possible. 

He couldn’t believe this was really happening. His deepest insecurities were confirmed. His worst dream had come true: Sebastian had taken Blaine. Kurt always felt that Sebastian loomed as a dark cloud over his precious relationship with Blaine, no matter how often Blaine had assured him that Sebastian meant nothing to him. A blind man could see Sebastian’s attraction to Blaine, and Kurt always feared there was a certain potential for _more_ if the opportunity ever presented itself. 

Sebastian was more confident, Sebastian was bolder, Sebastian was _better_ than Kurt. 

Now, just when he was ready and determined to get Blaine back, it was all confirmed right before his eyes. After years of snarky comments, smirks, eye rolls, and shady judgements between Kurt and Sebastian, Sebastian prevailed. Sebastian won.

And Kurt lost. He lost Blaine, he lost his happiness, he lost everything, and it felt just as fresh and painful as ever. He didn’t know how he was ever going to get over this.

He could hear the mumbling of the radio hosts introducing the next song, but he barely noticed. He was so stuck in his head, stuck in his thoughts, stuck in the _pain._ As the opening notes of the song began to play, they startled Kurt out of his thoughts. 

It was all too familiar, and Kurt couldn’t help but choke out a humorless laugh. Hadn’t he gotten enough torture from the world today? The voice of Katy Perry mocked him in his ear, musing about teenage dreams and skintight jeans, and he cried that much harder, clutching his chest. The song had barely reached the chorus before Kurt slammed the radio off entirely, forcing him to greet the deafening silence of his car. The quiet wasn’t any better. It was all too much.

Blaine and Sebastian walked out of the store, Sebastian holding onto Blaine’s hand tightly. The grip was tight enough to keep Blaine from slipping back into his head, and a breath caught in his throat as he spotted the car that he had spent so many days after school in, a million memories flashing through his mind in the blink of an eye.

When they walked by, Blaine’s eyes unconsciously drifted to peer in the window. His heart instantly felt like it had been stomped on, over and over and over, completely crushed. _Shit._ This was all wrong.

He could see Kurt, knees pulled up to his chest, tears streaming down his face. Blaine paused for just a second to look at him, catching his free hand lifting unconsciously towards the car door, but he managed to tear his eyes away and keep walking before Sebastian could notice. He knew he had to keep walking, though he wanted nothing more than to swing open the car door and pull Kurt into his arms. 

Sebastian was his boyfriend now. Sebastian wanted him. Sebastian protected and took care of him. Sebastian was good.

Blaine didn’t want them to meet like this. He had wanted to break it to Kurt gently at Scandals the next night. He never wanted any of this to happen.

Blaine sighed sadly, knowing that Kurt was sitting in his car, sobbing, because of him. Causing Kurt pain was unmistakably the worst feeling in the world, and somehow this felt just as horrific as that terrible night in New York, that night where he confessed that he had cheated. This wasn’t cheating, though. He hadn’t done anything wrong. _Right?_

He quickened his pace to match Sebastian’s, knowing Sebastian would (although kindly) yank him up to match his speed if he noticed Blaine falling behind, but not before taking one last look at the broken boy sitting in his car. His head was throbbing almost as badly as his heart was, knowing that he had just accidentally destroyed Kurt. 

Blaine had just been wrapping his head around how to approach their meeting at Scandals as positively and tactfully as possible, mentally preparing himself to face his ex-fiance again, but suddenly here he was, hurting Kurt yet again the minute they saw each other. _When would they ever stop hurting each other?_

Blaine was pulled out of his head with a light tug on his jacket from his boyfriend. 

“What’s got you so caught up? C’mon, B, get your head out of the clouds and let’s go. We have our dinner reservations in forty-five minutes.” 

With that, Sebastian ducked into the car, and Blaine followed suit, taking a deep breath and offering Sebastian a small smile. He just couldn’t shake the image of Kurt sitting in his car, sobbing. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand we're back! thanks for the love on our first chapter! 
> 
> here's the next step on what's going to be a long and difficult journey for both of our boys. we promise it'll be worth it!

The motions of the car ride felt blurry. Blaine remembered getting in the passenger seat, weighted down by that same heavy feeling, and he remembered Sebastian making comments about things ranging from their upcoming CrossFit class the next day to lunch with friends next week as he drove them to their dinner reservations. He was operating in monologue mode, bouncing from one topic to the next, as he often did, and Blaine couldn’t have gotten a word in edgewise even if he’d wanted to. It’s not like he could really process anything Sebastian said, though, still fixated on the look of hurt on Kurt’s face. Beyond that, it was like he _felt_ Kurt’s pain radiating in his bones, aching in his chest.

He just felt so _guilty._ He had moved on with Sebastian, sure, but his breakup with Kurt had completely destroyed him, sending him back to square one, and some days he felt like he still hadn’t fully recovered. 

Reconnecting with Sebastian happened in a whirlwind. Blaine had been sitting in the Lima Bean one afternoon shortly after returning to Ohio, filling out his hiring paperwork for Dalton, when he heard the all too familiar “hey there, Killer.” 

And there he was. All it took was one run-in and two shared cups of coffee for Sebastian to work his way into Blaine’s life. 

Things moved quickly after that. Texting moved to phone calls, which moved to dates and sleepovers and suddenly Blaine’s days were so busy, so full of Sebastian, that he hardly had time to think.

And, honestly? He didn’t mind it.

Staying so busy kept his thoughts from Kurt, kept his head from hurting, kept his heart from aching. Plus Sebastian _wanted_ him; he made that clear under no uncertain terms. Maybe it was more physical than anything else, which Blaine wasn’t completely ready for, but he figured it was fine. It felt good to be wanted.

He still found himself restless in his bed at night, wanting to reach over to snuggle into Kurt - never Sebastian - in a haze of exhaustion, but he always caught himself. 

Kurt hadn’t wanted him. Kurt left. Sebastian _wanted_ him.

It had only been a few months since the breakup, so seeing Kurt unexpectedly would’ve thrown him off regardless, but being the one to hurt him on top of it all was a burden nearly too heavy to bear. 

Ever since Rachel had contacted him to set up a meeting with Kurt and Scandals, Blaine had been preparing the perfect script to tell Kurt about Sebastian, to let him know gently and respectfully. He wasn’t stupid - he knew under no uncertain terms how Kurt felt about Sebastian, and it wouldn’t be an easy pill to swallow no matter how Blaine put it. 

However, any and all plans went out the window in Between the Sheets, and Blaine was still reeling. He replayed the conversation, those few short minutes that felt like an eternity, over again in his head, his brain feeling more and more jumbled and feelings getting more and more complicated. 

On top of feeling guilty, he was embarrassed of how Sebastian acted, terribly so. Above all, though, he was ashamed of how he just froze up. He let Sebastian kiss him so inappropriately. He let Sebastian call Kurt a bitch. 

He let Kurt run away. Again.

Blaine was vaguely aware that he was now sitting down in the restaurant for their weekly Friday night date, but he couldn’t quite remember how he got there. He blinked, trying to focus on the menu in his hands, quickly shaking his head and giving up as he heard Sebastian order for both of them like he always did. It’s not like food mattered right now, anyway. He couldn’t seem to get out of his own head, he was all too aware of the anxious pit in his stomach. The idea of eating was repulsive. 

“Hello? Blaine? Blaine? Earth to Blaine!” 

Sebastian snapped his fingers, and Blaine couldn’t help it as the thought of Kurt snapping his fingers for waitstaff flashed in his mind, gone in an instant. It was something that once drove him so crazy. Something that he’d do anything to see now.

Blaine flinched, finally coming back to reality as Sebastian waved a hand in front of his face, and he begrudgingly looked up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“What the hell’s got you in your head so badly you won’t even listen to me?” Sebastian complained, rolling his eyes as he inspected his fingernails. “Damn, B. I thought you were better than that. You know how to listen, now come on. Talk to me without zoning out in three seconds?” Sebastian looked down at him, his sharp eyes making Blaine feel impossibly small and guilty.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve just been… thinking, I guess.” 

Blaine shook his head and fiddled with his napkin, hoping their food would come soon to serve as a distraction. He really wasn’t in the mood to argue with Sebastian, but the idea of acting like everything was okay seemed even more impossible.

Sebastian scoffed. 

“Blaine, stop thinking about what happened at the music store. Bitchface Hummel got pissed that you found someone better for you. Big fucking deal,” Sebastian remarked flippantly, waving his hand. 

“I think we should stop giving him our attention during our _date night_ and start paying attention to _each other,_ ” he continued, tone suddenly much more biting and sharp.

Blaine couldn’t quite explain why a feeling of fear quickly shot through him, fading just as quickly as it had appeared. He needed to knock it off. _What was going on with him?_

“Of course, Seb,” Blaine sighed, shaking his head and forcing a smile onto his face. “So. Tell me more about the pilates class you signed us up for next weekend?” 

Sebastian lit up at any chance to talk about his exercise classes, immediately launching into a tirade about the benefits of pilates that Blaine practically had memorized already. Of course, Blaine didn’t necessarily enjoy the classes, and the overpriced brunches they always went to afterwards, but it made Sebastian happy. If it made it happy, Blaine would put up with it. 

It was easier this way, and shouldn’t he _want_ to make Sebastian happy? Shouldn’t that make _Blaine_ happy?

Thus, he spent his days doing whatever Sebastian wanted to do. Sure, he would rather be home at his piano, but Blaine could put up with the loud sweaty classes and obnoxious rich people because it was for Sebastian. 

Sebastian, who protected him and was good to him. Sebastian, who _wanted_ him. He constantly reminded himself that he needed to be good for Sebastian, too. _Why was it so difficult?_

“So, I was thinking, maybe next Sunday we could meet up with Jeff and Nick?” Blaine raised his eyebrows at the mention of his friends, curiosity piqued. 

“I haven’t seen Nick in a while, and I know you’re relatively close to them, so it could be a treat for you too,” Sebastian continued. Blaine’s eyes widened in shock. Seeing his friends over Seb’s friends was extraordinarily rare, and Blaine jumped at the chance. 

“That would be awesome, babe. I would really like to see them,” Blaine gushed, smiling genuinely for the first time that night. “I really appreciate that you would let me do that.” 

Maybe things would get easier after all.

Kurt allowed himself to break down in the parking lot, but he told himself that had to be it. He let himself cry, let himself be angry, let himself slam his hands on the steering wheel, but once he got home, his pity party needed to be over.

Kurt Hummel was not a crier. Kurt Hummel was not a moper. Kurt Hummel had been through hell and back countless times, and he could make it through this, too. 

But _fuck_ did it hurt. It _really fucking hurt._

Eventually, Kurt made it back home. Honestly, he counted himself lucky to have made it home safely, his shaky hands having slipped from the wheel a few times. The last thing he needed was medical bills from an accident on top of everything else, but it was hard to get himself calm enough to drive home. 

Being strong was not going to be easy.

Once safely in his room, entrance thankfully gone unnoticed by his family and door quickly locked behind him, Kurt let out a groan. _What the hell even happened?_

Falling back on his bed and rubbing his face, Kurt stared up at the ceiling, trying to get his head on straight. How was he supposed to face Blaine at Scandals the next night? He wondered what Rachel would think when he-

Wait.

_Rachel._

Rachel set up their meeting. Rachel had been in contact with Blaine this entire time. _Why hadn’t she told him about this?_ As his hands started to shake again, now more out of anger than sadness, he pulled his phone out and dialed her number, tears threatening in his eyes once more. 

Rachel picked up the phone. “Hello, this is Rachel Berry speaking.” _God,_ why was she always so formal? It’s not like she didn’t know it was Kurt. Caller ID was a thing. 

Kurt rolled his eyes and barely held back a snarl. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he snapped.

“Tell you what?” Rachel sounded so innocent, so _concerned,_ and it was driving Kurt insane. He didn’t have the patience for this.

Kurt squeezed his fist to keep from completely exploding, huffing a breath. “That he was fucking dating Sebastian fucking Smythe!” Okay, maybe he was going to explode anyway. He knew his knee-jerk reactions to being upset were never conducive to healthy communication, and he’d been working on it thoroughly with his therapist for months, but _no._ This was different. Kurt was _allowed to be angry._

“I ran into the two of them at the sheet music store, and _God_ , Rachel, they were in love, rubbing it all in my face,” he continued. “He’s moved on. I’ve lost him. And it just _had_ to be Sebastian. Why didn’t you _tell_ me?” 

Kurt heard Rachel gasp loudly on the other end, and he rolled his eyes. Well, at least her typical dramatics were warranted this time. 

“Kurt, I had no idea he was even dating, let alone _Sebastian!_ ” Rachel sounded shocked enough that Kurt couldn’t help but believe her, and he took a deep breath, reminding himself the coping techniques he’d so diligently practiced. 

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._ Maybe Rachel really hadn’t known. 

“Oh my, you must be hurting really badly right now,” Rachel continued sympathetically. “What happened at the music store?” 

“They completely humiliated me. First it was just stupid Meerkat, which was _fine,_ but not ideal, and he started throwing his normal insults, and I threw them right back, with a little more creativity, of course.” Kurt prided himself for his sharp wit, even in the worst of times. It was one of his favorite qualities about himself.

“It was just like we were back in high school. But then _he_ came over Rachel, and he called Sebastian babe, and for a split second I thought he was talking to me Rach, I really did. It was exactly like something he’d say when he and I would spend all those afternoons looking at sheet music for duet ideas, because you know we always liked to have a varied repertoire in our back pockets, Rachel.” 

Kurt shook his head, clearing the memories that threatened to enter his mind. Not helpful.

“And then Sebastian, that fucking _asshole_ , just swoops in and kisses him like Prince _Charming_ , and Blaine took forever to pull away, but _God,_ Rachel, when he was with me we never would have kissed like that in public. We never would have been so _bold!_ And I- I just ran out of there without another word.”

Rachel gasped again, this time a sad one that made Kurt choke back angry tears. Rehashing the entire debacle was difficult, but it helped to get it out.

“Kurt, hon, I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t have given you any of my encouragement speeches if I had known, I-”

“Do you think he was telling me the truth, my senior year?” Kurt blurted out. “When he told me that those feelings for Sebastian were non-existent? Or-” He paused and gasped for a shaky breath, trying in vain to stay calm as insecurities and questions suddenly shoving their way into the forefront of his mind. “Or was he lying to me, do you think? I mean, do you think it was all one elaborate lie topped off with a _fuck you, I’ve loved him all along_ ? I lost him, Rachel. I _lost_ him, to my worst fear, the worst person possible, and now I don’t know what to _do_.”

Kurt’s anger was quickly shifting into something else, something he couldn’t even put his finger on. He was _scared,_ he realized, downright afraid of the new reality he found himself in, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

He heard a sniffle from Rachel’s end of the call. “Hang in there, Kurtie. I’ll see you soon, okay? And don’t give up hope just yet. If you two are soulmates, like you know I believe you are, your souls will find their way back to each other. I have to run, but I love you.” 

Kurt closed his eyes momentarily, taking a deep, calming breath and letting that _awful, cringey, juvenile_ nickname roll off his shoulders for once. God, maybe he was more wrecked than he realized. 

“I love you too, Rach. Thank you.” 

After disconnecting from the line and letting his phone slip from his hand, Kurt laid flat on the bed like a starfish, taking a moment to focus on his breathing. It may hurt his pride to admit it, but Rachel was right. They _were_ soulmates. They had to be. Blaine was the Jack to his Goldie, the Harry to his Sally, he always had been. They just _had_ to find their way back to each other. What was the point of any of it otherwise?

They’d broken up and gotten back together before. They’d gotten past the unimaginable betrayal of Blaine sleeping with someone else and emerged _fiances,_ at that. There was no reason why they couldn’t do it again, right?

Well. Kurt supposed there was one potential reason.

One sickeningly cocky, meerkat-shaped reason.

Blaine woke up Saturday morning to the sound of his alarm blaring, and he rolled over to shut it off, groaning as he remembered why he had to wake up at 5 in the morning on his day off. _Damn CrossFit._

Forcing himself to ignore the fact that the sun wasn’t out, Blaine tumbled out of bed to get ready. There was no time to snooze his alarm and no option to just go back to sleep entirely - Sebastian would be expecting him soon. 

Midway through pulling on his workout clothes, Blaine stopped to look in the mirror, frowning at the love handles and flabby arms glaring back at him. He was regretting those cronuts he’d so often indulged in back in New York now more than ever. He was unable to shake those last few pounds, and it made him hate his body. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if Sebastian hated his body, too. At the beginning of their relationship, Sebastian was so physical with him, always pushing the boundaries, pushing for _more,_ telling him that Blaine had played hard-to-get long enough over the years. Blaine hadn’t been in the right frame of mind for sex, though, and holding firm on his boundaries had caused his boyfriend to practically stop touching him entirely.

Staring in the mirror and pinching the loose skin on his arm, Blaine couldn’t help but wonder if _this_ was the real reason why Sebastian didn’t try anymore.

He was working to make it better, though, to make _himself_ better, by attending workout classes with Sebastian, at Sebastian’s insistence, of course. It was only because Sebastian cared about him, it had to be. Blaine had learned not to question why he felt he needed to constantly remind himself of Sebastian’s care for him. Questioning made things complicated, and anything more _complicated_ was the last thing Blaine needed in his life.

He frowned one last time at his reflection before pulling on his gym clothes, knowing he had to get moving. He grabbed a water bottle before making the short drive to Sebastian’s house, silently hoping for an easy class, an easy day. Thankfully, he was right on time. After Sebastian slid into the car and Blaine kissed him on the cheek in greeting, the two were on their way. 

During the class, Blaine was struggling to keep up, and it was showing. He wasn’t a pro at CrossFit on a good day by any means, and he only heard half of what the instructor was saying because he was trying to force himself to stop thinking about his meeting with Kurt at Scandals tonight. He felt the need to do as much damage control as possible, but he wasn’t sure how. He wasn’t sure what he was _allowed_ to do for Kurt anymore. 

Sebastian was going out on his own tonight, citing the need for “guy time” with old friends from his parents’ country club, which Blaine was perfectly happy to miss out on, so telling Sebastian about the meeting wasn’t something he was worried about. Blaine had promised to spend the night at Sebastian’s that night, and planned on going out after his boyfriend left and getting back well before his return. 

The class was long and torturous, leaving Blaine wondering why he couldn’t join a boxing class instead, considering he actually _liked_ boxing, and when they left, Blaine could tell Seb wasn’t happy with his performance. 

As always, CrossFit was followed by brunch with Sebastian’s friends from the class. They never acknowledged Blaine or engaged him in much of their conversations, opting to direct any questions about the pair of them to Sebastian, which usually made Blaine feel insecure and out of place. 

Blaine took the opportunity to let his mind wander to meeting with Kurt that night, staying clued-in enough to offer half-hearted fake laughs when appropriate. He picked at his food, chosen by Sebastian again, of course, making no mental progress on what he wanted to say to Kurt. It all felt so impossible. 

Soon enough, when the brunch rush was long over and their group dissipated, Blaine shook himself out of his funk to bid cordial goodbyes to everyone. He already regretted retreating into his shell so much during brunch, and he could only hope that Sebastian had been too caught up in his friends to notice. 

After they stood up, Sebastian grabbed Blaine’s wrist somewhat angrily, pulling him along to get into the car as fast as possible. When Blaine got into the car and turned to see the look on his boyfriend’s face, he knew he had done something wrong. _Shit. He noticed._

“Are you trying to embarrass me?” Sebastian snapped. “Blaine, _all_ of my friends do that class with us. And what the hell was that during brunch? I know you don’t usually interact, but Jesus, Blaine, they way you acted was fucking pathetic.” He shook his head and glared at Blaine, laughing in his face.

Blaine was frozen again, taking the battering of insults silently as they came. He screwed up. He deserved it.

“You need to do better,” Sebastian continued. “I mean, _seriously_ , you nearly tripped over yourself so many times. I need you to not fuck up so many times that you tarnish my image next time, okay? We have to keep up the image we’ve created, and I can’t do that if you're flopping all over the place with your head in the clouds.” 

Sebastian was practically snarling by the end of his rant, and that unfamiliar fear shot through him again. Blaine ignored the fact that he was scared of his boyfriend, choosing to nod instead. _He had to do better._

“M’sorry, Seb.” 

Sebastian just shook his head and buckled his seatbelt. Blaine kept his eyes trained to the floor, refusing to look at anything other than his shoes in fear of meeting eyes with his already mad boyfriend and setting him off again. He seemed to be digging himself into an increasingly deeper hole with no end in sight. _Why couldn’t he stop screwing up?_

It was well into the afternoon by the time they got back from their brunch-turned-happy-hour with Sebastian’s buddies, and Sebastian almost immediately got ready to leave for his night out.

“Why are you getting ready so early? We just got home?” Blaine questioned, voice slightly high as he looked up at him with worry. 

He had thought Sebastian had dinner plans, and he wasn’t meant to meet up with Kurt until eight. Sebastian would be home well before Blaine if he left now. Since Blaine was meant to stay at Sebastian’s that night, as he did every weekend, there was no way he’d be able to avoid his boyfriend finding out he’d been gone. He knew all too well that Sebastian was expecting Blaine to sit around and wait for his return - to be fair, that was usually what he did.

But tonight was different. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but it felt _big._

“I’m leaving early, chill out,” Sebastian chided, grabbing his jacket. “Just make sure there’s something for me to eat when I get home. I’ll see you later.” 

With that, Sebastian glanced in the mirror one more time before leaving the house, slamming the door behind him. Blaine winced at the loud noise, and slumped onto the couch, feeling hopeless and defeated. _Fuck._ This was not going to end well. He had really been counting on Sebastian being out late that night. There was no way Sebastian would be able to understand why he was meeting up with Kurt. 

Blaine wasn’t sure if _he_ even understood why anymore.

It would be hours before he was supposed to meet Kurt at Scandals, so getting ready was pointless. He wasn’t at home, so he didn’t have his piano or his work bag or his _anything,_ really, so distractions were few and far between. Instead, he just sat there, wondering why he still felt so unhappy, wondering why he kept screwing up over and over again. _What was he going to do?_

Kurt groaned as he plopped down on a barstool at the kitchen counter in his parent’s house, nursing his second cup of coffee as he willed the day to go by faster. He had nothing to do but sit and wait. 

He didn’t have his usual distractions. He had no sheet music to prepare for the New Directions, thanks to the hellfire that he encountered while attempting to buy some yesterday, no parents to converse with, since his dad and Carole were both at work. There was no _anything_ to distract himself with. There was absolutely nothing to distract him from confronting his feelings.

He tried to confront them, at least, knowing he still needed to process everything that happened the previous day in order to properly begin to heal and move on, both from the situation and from Blaine entirely. God, _how_ was he going to start moving on from Blaine when he’d just convinced himself all over again just how much he truly needed him?

He sighed, and looked at his phone for the one hundredth time, willing a text to come from Blaine, a text cancelling their meeting. It was a text he knew wouldn’t come - Blaine was far too honorable, too reliable for that.

He knew he ought to text Blaine and tell him he wasn’t coming. He couldn’t. Kurt had come to know himself well, and he knew he wasn’t ready. There was no way he could look at Blaine, knowing that he had moved on, that he was in love. With _Sebastian._

Kurt decided, in the end, that a nap was the only way he was going to be able to shut off his brain and get a break from his thoughts. He was exhausted from a restless night spent tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning, unable to get the ever-startling image of Sebastian and Blaine kissing out of his head. 

A part of him hoped the nap would be a magic cure, and he would feel up to facing the whole mess and meeting up with Blaine after all. Probably not, but hey, at least he could kill a few hours and catch up on some sleep. 

Blaine stood in front of the mirror. His hair was gelled perfectly, the tones of his sweater seamlessly complemented his ankle-length pants, and his bow tie was perfectly even. He tried to convince himself into forgetting that this was Kurt’s favorite outfit on him as he looked over minute details of his appearance. He looked _nice._

This was an outfit that Sebastian would never let him wear in public, sure, but Sebastian wasn’t here. It was nice, for once, to control what he was wearing and how he looked. Sebastian preferred Blaine to dress in a more classic, bowtie-free style that looked good on him, but Blaine always felt like he was wearing a costume. It just didn’t feel like _him._

Blaine took a deep breath and smiled at his reflection for what felt like the first time in forever before headed out the door. He could do this. It was just Kurt, still the same Kurt, and Kurt made him feel like he could do anything. No matter what he and Kurt had been through, Kurt had always made him feel _limitless._ This shouldn’t be any different. 

After fifteen minutes of driving, Blaine was early, just as he was hoping to be. He had planned on spending the next fifteen minutes sitting in the parking lot and acting as his own hype man (he was so nervous, why was he _nervous?)_ until it was time to go inside. Just as he was parking, however, he couldn’t help but notice the radio sounding the beginnings of an unmistakably familiar song.

_“Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends…”_

Blaine couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head. He hadn’t heard “Animal” in ages, let alone on his guilty pleasure Top 40 radio. They must be having a throwback night. 

Blaine wasn’t a particularly religious or spiritual man, but he did believe in the power of fate. Something like this was too good, too _meaningful_ to be a mere coincidence.

Maybe tonight would go well after all.

Blaine didn’t really understand why he had still expected Kurt to show. Regardless, he should’ve realized after thirty minutes that Kurt wasn’t coming, much less after two hours. But steadfast as ever, Blaine waited. If there was any possible chance of Kurt showing up, Blaine wanted to be there for him. Nevertheless, those blue eyes and perfectly coiffed hair never arrived. 

After downing the last of his third ginger ale and figuring it was time to call it a night, Blaine left Scandals feeling worse than he had when he got there. 

Maybe it wasn’t fate after all. 

He just sat for a moment, waiting. Stalling. He knew he really should get back to Sebastian’s place to cook his boyfriend dinner, but he could barely muster up the energy to care. 

Before he could think about it and second guess himself, Blaine was pulling out his phone and calling that number he knew by heart. It rang, rang, _kept_ ringing, but eventually Blaine was exiled to voicemail. That didn’t really surprise him either. _He deserved that._

“Hey, Kurt, it’s Blaine. I know we were supposed to meet earlier tonight, and I did sort of wait there...uh, for awhile, actually, but I just- I understand why you didn’t come. I don’t blame you, I probably would have done the same thing if I were in your position. Take all the time you need, but I really think we should talk. When you feel ready. Please just- let me know, okay? I lo-” Blaine cut himself off, clamping his mouth closed. He knew what he was about to say, and he couldn’t believe himself. _What had gotten into him?_

Habit. It was just a habit. 

“It was nice to see you yesterday, even though you probably don’t feel the same about it,” Blaine hastily added, cringing at himself. _Nice? Really? Who did he think he was going to fool?_ “Okay, um….bye, then.” 

Blaine let his head fall back against the headrest with a thump after hanging up, groaning. Could the past 24 hours have gone any worse?

When Blaine made the short drive back to Sebastian’s place, the last thing he was expecting to see was his boyfriend’s car, parked in the driveway. _Shit._ He’d completely forgotten that Sebastian was going to be home earlier than he had hoped, distracted by the potential of seeing Kurt, and he hadn’t been keeping an eye on the time. 

Blaine got out of the car, borderline scared of what he was going to walk into when he stepped inside. 

“Hey, Seb,” Blaine greeted nervously, closing the door behind him and sliding out of the arms of his jacket.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” _Shit._ The sharp voice caused Blaine to flinch, wincing slightly. “You went out to Scandals without telling me where you were going.” 

Sebastian looked up from where he was sitting at the countertop in the kitchen, anger filling his eyes as Blaine entered the room. 

Still feeling somewhat more confident than usual, more _himself,_ Blaine didn’t fall to apologies immediately for once. It was something he had begun to notice himself doing more and more often, something he’d never done with Kurt, who always made it clear that Blaine had a safe space to be honest, be open, regardless of his own opinion. But this wasn’t Kurt. It was Sebastian.

Sebastian, who _wanted_ him. 

“I didn’t think it would be a big deal, babe,” Blaine said casually, trying to keep his composure. _He could do this._

“I didn’t drink anything but soda, I just wanted to have a...night off,” he finished tentatively, knowing that saying the wrong thing could set Sebastian off and put him in a world of trouble. 

“What the fuck does _that_ mean, Blaine? A _night off?_ You didn’t think it would matter?” Sebastian snapped, voice escalating in intensity quickly. "We’ve had this conversation before. I know when you leave and where you go. You _know that!_ ” Sebastian slammed his hand down on the countertop, and Blaine flinched. 

“Seb, you’re scaring me. Stop,” Blaine begged with a suddenly small voice, stepping back instinctively, away from his boyfriend as fear took over his body.

“I don’t give a shit about how scary I’m being, _Blaine_ ,” Sebastian snarled, spitting out his name as if it tasted bitter. “You _need_ to tell me. Before you leave, always. _End. Of. Story._ ” 

Blaine had to close his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath to stop his body from trembling. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t okay, was it? 

Of course it wasn’t. They weren’t happy this way, _neither_ of them were. Blaine wasn’t completely sure how he was responsible for it, but he knew he needed the space to be able to figure it out. _He needed to fix this._

“Sebastian, I...I don’t know how I feel about you having so much control over me,” Blaine began, tentatively at first but finding his footing. “I don’t think it’s healthy, for either of us. Maybe we should take some time apart-”

Sebastian’s eyes widened out of shock. “ _No_! Blaine, no,” he interjected, suddenly sounding frantic. “You can’t leave.”

Blaine crossed his arms, trying to fake confidence instead of highlight the fear rushing through him. “Why not?”

Sebastian’s gaze softened slightly, a breath catching in Blaine’s chest. “Because I need you to be with me. I-” He paused to make purposeful eye contact with Blaine, who was feeling paralyzed by the unknown, by the fear of where Sebastian was going with this.

“I love you,” Sebastian continued. _Wait, what?_ “I know you’re concerned, but you’re just psyching yourself out. Move in with me?” _What the hell was happening?_

“I promise, come live with me. It’ll make it better, make us better, please?’  
  
There was something in Sebastian’s face, in his voice, that Blaine couldn’t read. It kind of scared him, but Blaine knew that these next few seconds would change a lot. It suddenly felt like everything was moving very quickly, but this was good, right? This was progress. Sebastian wanted him. 

Sebastian _needed_ him, even. 

_Fuck it._

“Okay. I’ll move in with you,” Blaine agreed with a soft smile, tentatively approaching Sebastian for a hug. Yes. This was what he was supposed to do. _He could do this._ “I love you too.” 

Sebastian awkwardly wrapped his arms around the much shorter boy, and Blaine stood there in his slightly stiff embrace, trying to find comfort in the hold around him. This was…different. Blaine wasn’t quite sure if he liked it, but it would have to do. 

Sebastian was all he had left. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back for ch 3! As always, we hope you enjoy and leave some feedback in the comments! We'd really appreciate it :)

As the days ticked by, Kurt found himself increasingly grateful for the stability of his routine. He had convinced Rachel to go back to Between the Sheets to buy that sheet music for him - there was no way in hell he would be setting foot in there anytime soon - so he had spent all of his free time pouring all of his energy into lesson plans for Glee club.

He may have come back to Ohio for Blaine, but the New Directions had quickly become important to him, too. It was time to make reviving the Glee club his new priority.

Easier said than done.

Though Kurt prided himself on his acting talents, it was hard to act like nothing was wrong in front of his dad. His dad would get him to crack - he always did - but Kurt wasn’t ready to go to his dad with the situation yet. He needed to try to handle this himself.

Consequently, Kurt found himself with a fake smile plastered on his face, trying to ignore the way his dad looked at him a little too long, a little too often, all through their Sunday night dinner. Burt knew the real reason Kurt had come back to Ohio, knew how the past few months had been, and he never pushed Kurt to talk. 

Kurt was grateful for it. Although he loved his dad and never took their relationship for granted, he knew that Burt had a soft spot for Blaine, and this would crush him, too. Whether Blaine deserved it or not, Kurt wanted to protect him from his dad’s wrath for as long as he could.

He still wanted to protect Blaine from everything.

The week passed by easier than Kurt had expected with no real surprises, meerkat-related or otherwise. Everything was going fine, at least, until Glee club on Friday afternoon.

It was Rachel’s day to take the lead, so Kurt found himself sitting at the back of the choir room, sighing as Rachel went off on a lecture about the musical value and edginess of _Jagged Little Pill_ for the third time that week. 

_God,_ she was getting on his nerves. Kurt knew he should be grateful for Rachel’s support, and he _was,_ he really was, but his patience was wearing thin. It didn’t take much for Rachel to get under his skin, and he knew it, while Blaine was the more patient of-

 _Blaine_. 

As much as Kurt wanted to completely block out all thoughts of Blaine, he knew it wasn’t healthy. He was fighting his every instinct to not just shut down and force it all out of his head, putting up his walls as he had so many times. No, he needed to confront this. He needed to move on.

It was hard, though. There were memories all over the choir room, all throughout the halls of McKinley. Duets, dance numbers, countless smiles and meaningful looks tossed to one another. 

Blaine was everywhere, and now he was nowhere.

Kurt sighed, shaking his head a little. _Now’s not the time, Kurt. Focus._

By the time he managed to pull his thoughts away from Blaine, Santana and Brittany were making their way to the front of the choir room to perform their mashup.

As they began singing to one another, it was all suddenly feeling a little too familiar. Kurt couldn’t help but remember the time he and Blaine had sung “Perfect” in the very same room, letting their Glee club friends into their little bubble for the first real time. 

The song really had become their anthem. After all, Blaine had kept his word, and he never let Kurt forget just how perfectly imperfect he thought he was. _Perfect. Yeah, right._ Kurt had screwed up the one truly good thing he had in his life. He’d smashed it into irreparable pieces. He’d ruined it for good.

The memory was proving to be all too much for Kurt to take, especially as he saw the love radiating from Brittany and Santana as they sang for the group, though they only had eyes for one another. The chair he was sitting in had become impossibly hard and uncomfortable, and the room was growing warmer and smaller by the minute. His heart began to race, the pounding in his ears muting the music in the room, his chest constricting.

It was suddenly all too obvious the magnitude of what Kurt had thrown away. It should have been him and Blaine up there, singing one of their countless signature duets, but it wasn’t. It never would be again, and it was Kurt’s fault for taking it for granted. _How was he supposed to live with himself? How was he going to move on?_

All Kurt knew in that moment was that he could barely breathe. It was all Blaine, _Blaine Blaine Blaine,_ everywhere he looked and nowhere at all. He had to get out. 

He was out the door and running down the hallway before he even realized he had gotten up, completely oblivious to the looks of concern from Rachel and the kids from Glee club. He could be embarrassed later. He just needed to get away.

An hour later found Kurt sitting on the edge of the stage in the auditorium, swinging his dangling legs. He was waiting for Rachel, who had texted him moments after he ran out of the choir room, asking him to stick around so they could talk after. 

If not for the heart emoji tacked onto the end of the text, Kurt might have thought Rachel was only going to chide him for skipping out on his duties. However, he had enough faith in their friendship to believe it would be more than that.

An hour later, he felt calmer. He was ready to talk.

Rachel entered the auditorium with an unreadable expression on her face, smoothing her skirt before sitting in a seat in the front row, positioned directly in front of Kurt. He offered her a small smile, and they were quiet for a few moments.

“You’re looking a bit better,” Rachel finally offered, breaking the silence. She sounded tentative, and Kurt got the feeling she was holding something back.

“Yeah, I...I just had to get out of there. Too many memories.”

Rachel smiled at him sympathetically before standing up and moving closer to Kurt, placing her hand over his where it rested on the stage.

“Look, Kurt,” Rachel began hesitantly. “I know you’re probably not in the mood to hear this, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. I know this isn’t going to be easy to hear, but I wanted you to hear it from me first before-”

“Rachel. Just tell me,” Kurt interrupted, his pulse threatening to quicken again. 

“Okay, okay. Well, first of all… Brittany and Santana are engaged. Santana just proposed in the choir room. Right after their duet, which, if I may add, was the _perfect_ example of what a mashup should be, particularly considering-”

“ _Rachel,”_ Kurt snapped, effectively cutting off the beginnings of yet another monologue. The effectiveness of their mashup was the least of his worries. _God, Rachel, learn to read a room._

“Did they learn _nothing_ from me and Blaine? We’re too young to get married! _All_ of us!”

Kurt scrambled to stand up, pulling his hair as he began pacing around the stage. Memories of his own proposal flickered in his mind, once such a happy memory. It was meant to be the beginning of the rest of his life, but instead, there he was. _When was the past going to stop haunting him?_

“Kurt, honey, I know you have more reason to think that than anyone, but think about them. They’re really happy,” Rachel justified. Try as she might to suppress her feelings for Kurt’s sake, she was so obviously caught up in the romance of it all. Kurt wanted to slap her. _No, stop._ It wasn’t Rachel’s fault. 

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._ Maybe he was projecting. Maybe Brittany and Santana would make it.

Wait.

“You said...first of all?” Kurt asked tentatively, pausing to look directly at Rachel for a moment before continuing to pace. “Is there something else?”

Rachel sighed heavily and winced, closing her eyes for a moment.

“Kurt…” she began. “I know you came back here for...for Blaine. And I’m _really_ happy you’re here, I am. The kids really like you, you have great ideas, McKinley wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Kurt looked up when Rachel paused, lifting an eyebrow. “As much as I appreciate the flattery, you can cut to the chase. I won’t break.” He hoped he wouldn’t at least. _Fake it till you make it, right?_

“The thing is...I know you’re still upset about what happened last week, but I just wanted to see if you were thinking about...moving on.” _Giving up for good._

“I’m trying, Rachel,” Kurt sighed, trying to stay calm. He knew he needed to do it, but he still couldn’t stand being told what to do. “You really can’t expect me to recover in a day. I came back here fully ready to win Blaine back, and I had no doubt in my mind, so excuse me if I-”

“Blaine’s moving in with Sebastian,” Rachel blurted out, immediately clapping a hand over her mouth with a horrified expression on her face. _What the fuck?_

Kurt froze mid-step, eyes widened and jaw dropping slightly. It had only been a few months. Their _breakup_ still felt fresh some days, and Kurt was nowhere near ready to date, judged by his failed attempts at speed dating, let alone date seriously enough to _move in_ with someone. After how difficult it had proven for him to live with Blaine in New York, it was something he knew he could never rush into again. _What was Blaine thinking?_

Rachel began spouting apologies, no doubt regretful for dropping a bomb like that, and rightfully so, but Kurt barely heard her. Blaine was _moving in with Sebastian._

 _Fuck._ It was the final nail in the coffin. Kurt really had lost him.

The past week had been a whirlwind for Blaine. He was still reeling over Sebastian telling him he loved him _and_ asking him to move in all at once, and it was still hard to believe it was all happening. _Was it all happening too fast?_

Blaine wasn’t completely sure he was ready for all of it, but he spent most nights at Sebastian’s place anyways, plus he’d never quite felt _at home_ in his parents’ house, so he figured it made the most sense. He was almost more surprised to hear Sebastian say those three little words. Sebastian _loved_ him. He should love Sebastian, too. He should _want_ this.

The distraction proved useful, however, to keep him from reaching out to Kurt again. He’d never replied to Blaine’s voicemail from Saturday night, and Blaine found himself reaching for the phone more than once to send Kurt another text, to send him _something._

But no. He said he would give Kurt space, and he needed to follow through. He _wanted_ Kurt to take all the time he needed, but he hoped against all odds that Kurt would reach out to him again sooner than later. _Please reach out._

He wasn’t entirely sure why it mattered to him so much. He was with Sebastian now, he had moved on. But he felt this ache in his chest, this innate _need_ for things to at least be okay with Kurt again, this feeling that he just couldn’t shake. 

Maybe moving in with Sebastian would help. Things would get better. They were in love now.

Sunday evening found Sebastian and Blaine walking into the restaurant to meet Nick and Jeff, and Blaine practically bouncing as he walked. He’d been looking forward to this all week. Amongst the chaos of moving, and I-love-yous and _Kurt,_ this had been his saving grace.

“Can you stop bouncing? I know you’re excited, but you look like a three year old who just drank a Red Bull,” Sebastian remarked. Blaine couldn’t quite tell if the tone in his voice was teasing or a sign of genuine annoyance, but he stilled his gait regardless. Anxieties threatened to fill his head, but they washed away the moment he saw the _terribly_ bleached blonde hair he had been waiting for. 

“ _Blainers!”_ Jeff practically screamed from across the restaurant, and Blaine hurried his pace towards their table to reach the taller of Niff, as they had been called in high school. Jeff wrapped his arms around Blaine tightly, and Blaine held on for dear life. _This was what a real hug should feel like._

Jeff pulled away from the hug, but Blaine was pulled into Nick’s arms in a flurry of motion as soon as Jeff had let go. Blaine closed his eyes, taking a moment to fully embrace the fact that he was finally seeing his friends. For over a month, uppity country club people had been his only true social contact. _Relief._

“Dude, not so long next time. We missed you,” Nick whispered in his ear, patting his back. 

Blaine chuckled, though it wasn’t really funny at all. _Believe me, if it were my choice, it wouldn’t have been so long,_ he wanted to say. Instead, Blaine just pulled away and smiled, sliding into the booth next to Sebastian. 

The four of them began to converse about what they had missed in one another's lives, Blaine instantly picking up with Jeff and Nick like they hadn’t gone a day apart, and he found he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. 

Before too long, the waiter came over to ask for their orders, and Blaine couldn’t help but stiffen. As Nick and Jeff gave theirs up, Blaine sighed, internally debating his next move. He knew Sebastian was going to order for him unless he did something. Normally, he’d let it go for simplicity’s sake, but he had the feeling Nick and Jeff would notice. _Hurry._

“I’d li-” Blaine started, before Sebastian cleared his throat loudly, effectively cutting him off. _Shit._

“I’ll take the chicken parmesan, and he’ll have a salad, thanks.” Sebastian flashed an overly wide smile at the waiter that made everyone involved uncomfortable, and Blaine could already feel himself shutting down. 

As he fiddled with the napkin in his lap, Blaine pretended not to see the meaningful look of confusion that Nick and Jeff exchanged. They noticed. _Of course they noticed._

“Sebastian, I think Blaine is perfectly capable of ordering for himself,” Nick said, looking back and forth between the two sitting opposite from him. Blaine’s head shot up from the napkins he was looking at, trying to shake his head subtly, pleading silently for Nick to drop it. He _really_ didn’t want their double date to go downhill so quickly. He _needed_ this.

Sebastian rolled his eyes. 

“Nick, I would appreciate it if you didn’t try to step into our relationship, thanks,” Sebastian stated definitively, and that was it. Nick opened his mouth, about to say something else, but he shook his head and sighed a little as Blaine shot him a pleading look. Though he was relieved for the moment as their conversation returned to lighter topics, Blaine knew his friends well enough to know this was far from over. 

Just as Blaine was feeling eased back into the flow of conversation, the waiter brought along their food. When Blaine absentmindedly reached to grab another napkin and some salt for Sebastian as he always did, his shirt sleeve raised to his mid forearm, displaying a blend of muted purple and green on his wrist. 

“Blaine, w-what the hell’s on your wrist?” Jeff stammered, looking at Blaine with concern flooding his face. _Fuck._ Blaine gasped lightly before quickly drawing his hand back to his side. 

“It’s nothing Jeff, don’t worry about it,” Blaine said quickly, hoping he came off casually and offering a small smile he knew neither Jeff nor Nick believed. 

Sebastian scowled at Jeff, and Nick stared meaningfully at Sebastian, searching for some sort of sign. His friends’ expressions were unreadable, but Blaine knew they had a million questions running through their minds. Blaine knew he had to step up his game. _Act normal._

“So, I was thinking of having the Warblers do an 80s medley for sectionals,” Blaine began in an attempt to change the subject, and they were off to the races again. _Phew._

Situation diffused for the moment, Sebastian turned back to his plate as Blaine and Jeff continued to talk about Dalton and the Warblers, particularly Blaine’s excitement for sectionals. 

Sebastian had already drank three glasses of iced tea, and when he announced he needed a bathroom break, Nick knew this would be his only chance of the night. 

“Blaine...” Nick began with a sigh. Blaine looked up at him with a confused smile, trying to act innocent. He knew exactly where this was going, but he wasn’t ready to confront it. Everything was _fine._ He knew Sebastian might look a little controlling from the outside, but he was only trying to help him. Sebastian _wanted_ him.

“Where did that bruise come from? And why have you been scared of Sebastian all night?”

Blaine shook his head. Jeff and Nick saw right through him, immediately noticing what Blaine was far from ready to acknowledge himself. “I-I’m not scared of him,” he insisted. He couldn’t be scared of his _boyfriend._

“You’re avoiding the question, and I _know_ you’re scared, too. I’ve known you for a very long time, B, so just tell us what’s going on,” Nick pleaded gently. “Start with where the bruise is from?” 

Blaine sighed, nervously glancing towards the bathroom hallway. He knew he couldn’t brush this off forever, and Sebastian would only be gone a minute or two.

“It’s-it’s nothing, really,” Blaine began, carefully avoiding eye contact. “You know, I just walk too slowly sometimes, and then Sebastian pulls me to match his speed. And I’m _not_ scared of him, by the way, not really, anyway. He’s just gotten…louder recently. I just don’t want him to yell at me here. He won’t though, he never does it in public.” 

When Blaine looked up to give them another reassuring smile, he was met with concerned eyes and gaping mouths. 

“Blaine, that’s abuse,” Nick said flatly, and Blaine shook his head. It couldn’t be. _Blaine Anderson_ was not someone capable of being abused.

“No, no it’s not, he doesn’t hit me,” he defended automatically. “The wrist thing- that doesn’t count. I’m too slow of a walker, that’s my fault. Most of it is, really. I deserve what I get from him, you know.” Blaine shrugged.

“I’ve made far too many mistakes the last few months, and Sebastian just makes sure I know when I slip up. Really, it’s my fault.” Blaine couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Jeff was tearing up, but Nick just looked mad. _What had he done wrong now? Why was Nick mad?_

Blaine moved to apologize, only to be cut off by Nick. 

“Blaine, that’s absolutely abuse. First of all, he should not yank you hard enough to bruise _ever_ , let alone just to match his fucking _pace_ . And second of all, abuse isn’t just physical. The yelling, the ordering for you even though you _clearly_ wanted something else, judging by the amount of your salad you’ve eaten-” Blaine looked down at the bowl of greens and frowned. He had barely touched it. “Blaine, how much of your life do you control? I know you, and going two months without contacting either of us isn’t you. This relationship isn’t healthy, Blaine. I’m worried.”

Blaine looked at Nick and Jeff in silence for a moment. This was crazy. Sure, maybe Sebastian was taking charge in their relationship, but Blaine clearly needed it. He was so broken when he got back to Ohio, and he was evidently still messing up all over the place.

“You don’t know him, Nick. Not like I do. I would know if it crossed the line, alright? I’ve always had good judgement, and Sebastian _is_ good to me.”

Nick raised an eyebrow and moved to speak again, but Blaine continued on. “He protects me. He’s trying to help me. He’s good for me, okay? He _wants_ me, Nick. I’m moving in with him as we speak. Sebastian is what I need right now.” 

With a heavy sigh, Nick just shook his head, effectively rendered speechless by Blaine’s justifications. Blaine glanced over to the bathroom hallway again just in time to see Sebastian returning. _Thank God he missed that._

“So, what did I miss?” Sebastian asked with his signature grin on his face, sliding back into the booth. “Nothing too juicy, I hope?” He chuckled, and Blaine gave a half hearted laugh. Nick and Jeff stayed silent. 

Looking over at his friends, Blaine couldn't help but notice Jeff just looked sad, refusing to make eye contact as he poked at his fries. Nick, on the other hand, looked pissed off, and Blaine was praying to a God he didn’t believe in that Nick wouldn’t say anything else about it for the rest of the night.

Plates cleared and bills on the table, Blaine took a shaky breath. The evening he was so looking forward to had become so tense, so stilted. _It was his fault._

It always seemed to be his fault.

“I think we have to leave now, Sebastian,” Nick said politely, startling Blaine out of his thoughts. “It was good to see you, Blaine. Take care of yourself, alright?” Nick slid out of the booth and gave Blaine a serious smile before standing, Jeff following closely behind his boyfriend. 

“Bye Blainers,” Jeff said with a soft, genuine smile. “I’m glad we got to see each other.”

Blaine slid out of the booth too, to hug Jeff, and Jeff whispered in his ear. “Be safe, Blaine. If not for yourself, for Nick and I.” _Be safe?_ Blaine wasn’t in danger. His friends were taking this way too seriously.

With that, the two left the restaurant, and Blaine found himself unable to resist watching them walk away, their fingertips brushing as they walked out. He really missed that kind of intimacy. 

A tight grip on his wrist startled Blaine, and he tore his eyes away from the entry to find Sebastian sliding out of the booth, money lying on the table. 

“ _Ow,_ Sebastian _._ That hurts.” _Shit. He was mad._

Sebastian muttered something under his breath but didn’t respond to Blaine otherwise, quickly pulling him out to the car. 

The tension in the car was palpable as Sebastian began to drive home without another word. _Fuck_. The silence felt deafening, and Blaine couldn’t help but think it was worse than the yelling. At least when Sebastian yelled, it was clear under no uncertain terms what he was thinking. Now, however, Blaine had no idea what was running through his mind.

He kept his eyes down and focused on his breathing in an attempt to stave off his anxious thoughts, knowing that doing pretty much anything else would risk provoking his boyfriend more, anyways. The drive home lasted an eternity.

“And you wonder why I don’t like it when we hang out with _your_ friends,” Sebastian snapped as soon as they stepped into the house, - _finally_ they were home, though clearly things were just beginning - and Blaine felt a pang in his chest, flinching as the door slammed shut. 

“Seb, they were just concerned, they didn’t do anything wrong, I-”

“Then what the fuck is _this_ supposed to mean?” Sebastian revealed Blaine’s phone, screen illuminated with a text message, and a wave of confusion and fear washed over him. _Why did Sebastian have his phone?_

“Why do you have my phone?”

Sebastian shook his head angrily, clearly not about to answer the question, instead shoving the phone closer to Blaine for him to read. 

**From Nick:** Remember what we said, Blaine. You’re not alone in this. You don’t have to stay with him.

 _Shit._ This was not going to end well. There was no way.

He blinked at the screen, momentarily frozen as he considered how to respond. Nick was all too obvious in what he was referring to. Blaine suddenly felt incredibly guilty and small, like a child caught red-handed while elbow-deep in a cookie jar.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about, Seb,” he finally managed, voice small. “I _swear_.” 

Lifting his eyes from the phone screen, Blaine was struck by how expressionless Sebastian suddenly was, though his eyes gave away something much more sinister. The room was vibrating with tension, and Blaine’s blood ran cold as Sebastian slowly put the phone down before turning back to him. In a swift, calculated movement, Sebastian crowded Blaine back against the wall, his eyes flashing with something unexplainable.

 _Oh my fucking God, he was going to hit him._

Blaine quickly shook the thought out of his mind, shrinking against the wall. Sebastian wouldn’t _hit_ him. Nick and Jeff had just gotten into his head. They were being overly protective. Sebastian wouldn’t hit him.

_He wouldn’t, right?_

Sebastain stood suspiciously still for a moment before slowly lifting his arm, and Blaine braced himself, squeezing his eyes shut. _Was this really happening?_

Blaine was frozen, but the impact never came. _Of course it didn’t. Sebastian wouldn’t hit him._

When he finally opened his eyes, feeling the shift of his boyfriend stepping away from him, he found Sebastian slipping his coat back on and sliding into his shoes. 

Blaine was feeling more and more confused by the minute, each of Sebastian’s actions mystifying him further than the last. For the second time that afternoon, Blaine found himself almost wishing Sebastian would just yell at him instead.

At least then he’d know what Sebastian was thinking.

“Don’t wait up,” Sebastian snarled in a low voice, finally breaking the impossibly heavy silence. With a slam of the door, he was gone.

Blaine flinched as the sharp noise of the door echoed in his ears before finally moving away from the wall in favor of sinking into the couch, drawing his knees up to this chest. 

_Where had he gone wrong?_

He had been a good boyfriend to Sebastian, or at least he was trying to be, and yet here he was. He’d listened to Sebastian, defended Sebastian, stood up for Sebastian. But things were getting worse by the minute.

He was supposed to be happy. He was supposed to be _in love._

He felt like he was drowning.

Kurt walked into Lima Bean, more than ready for his pick-me-up. His mouth was watering as he thought of the mocha he needed more than ever. Maybe a cookie, even. Desperate times called for desperate measures, after all, and after the events of the past week or two, Kurt was feeling more desperate than ever.

Like most places in town, the Lima Bean was full of memories. Full of _Blaine._

Their first time hanging out outside either of their schools. Countless cups of coffee and occasional cookies shared over hours-long conversations. Their first real fight as friends, and their first real date as boyfriends. Their first _I love yous._

Blaine was everywhere, and now he was nowhere. Kurt was struck by an acute awareness of Blaine’s absence, somehow feeling it more than ever.

He was shaken away from the flood of memories as the barista called his name, instead smiling to himself for what felt like the first time in ages in anticipation of his mocha.

It didn’t last long, however.

“Hey, Kurt.” 

Kurt jolted at the sound of that familiar voice, that voice belonging to the man he’d just been thinking about, the man that he’d been missing. Sucking in a small breath, Kurt tentatively made eye contact, taking a moment to center himself, to appear neutral. _He could do this._

“Hi, Blaine,” Kurt said politely, internally wincing at how stilted and awkward it felt. This was _Blaine,_ after all, and he forced himself not to acknowledge the fire in his heart at the very sight of him. “How are you?” 

“I’m…certainly hanging in there. Could be worse, I guess,” Blaine shrugged, pausing thoughtfully for a beat before starting again. “Listen. I am _so_ sorry about Between the Sheets the other day. The way Sebastian acted, it... it was totally inappropriate, and I should have stopped him, but I didn’t. That’s on me.” 

He reached up to rub behind his neck, a nervous tic that was all too familiar to Kurt, and Kurt’s breath hitched as he noticed blue-purple coloring around Blaine’s wrist. _What the hell?_

“Blaine, i-is your wrist alright?” he stammered out, Blaine’s attempts at apologies quickly forgotten. “It looks really... bruised.” 

Kurt didn’t miss the way Blaine flinched slightly before tugging on the sleeve of his sweater. _Could it be?_

No, Meerkat was annoying, sure, but he wouldn’t be aggressive or _abusive_ , right? The rock-salt-laced slushie incident came to mind, and okay, maybe Sebastian _could_ be a little aggressive, but it had been intended for Kurt. Sebastian wouldn’t intentionally hurt _Blaine_ of all people. Sebastian had always had a soft spot for him.

An oddly bold, overly insistent soft spot. Kurt winced internally.

Nick had texted him, asking if he knew if something was going on with Blaine, but surely it couldn’t be this. It just couldn’t. Blaine wouldn’t stand for that. _Right?_

Kurt tried not to feel hurt at the way Blaine refused to make eye contact. “Yeah, it’s fine,” Blaine said quietly, shaking his head. If Kurt didn’t know any better, he might’ve thought Blaine was trying to convince himself of that, too. 

Blaine rocked almost shakily on his feet a few times and played with his fingers briefly, fidgety in a way that was completely unfamiliar to Kurt, his eyes darting around the coffee shop. “I...I gotta go.” With that, Blaine grasped the strap of his crossbody satchel with an intensity that caused his knuckles to whiten and rushed out, brushing past Kurt quickly.

“Blaine, wait-” 

The chime of the bell, seemingly louder than ever, signaled Blaine’s exit and stopped Kurt mid-sentence. _Shit._ It was too late. 

Blaine had gotten away from him. Again.

Kurt sighed, pulling out his phone to text Nick an update. Something was definitely going on with Blaine. Kurt was no stranger to the fact that their breakup was incredibly difficult on them both, but this ran deeper than that. He’d barely recognized the man standing before him.

Though Kurt’s heart was aching from yet another unexpected run-in with Blaine, any feelings of heartbreak were secondary to his newly-minted worries and the unmistakable urge to _do_ something, to _fix_. No matter his status with Blaine, unrequited crush, broken up, lovers, or otherwise, whether Blaine was _his_ or not, Kurt cared about his well-being more than anything. He cared about _Blaine_.

And this wasn’t Blaine.

Running into Kurt had not been on Blaine’s to-do list, but he supposed he was asking for it by going to the Lima Bean. The coffee shop had always felt like _theirs,_ and after the tension that had been mounting up all around Blaine, nearly threatening to swallow him up completely, maybe he subconsciously sought out comfort in the memories, in the nostalgia, in the familiarity.

Actually seeing _Kurt,_ however, paired with the instant feeling of awkwardness palpable between them… It was too real a reminder of reality, of where they were now compared to where they used to be.

After rushing out of the shop mere moments after entering, intentions of ordering coffee quickly forgotten, Blaine cursed himself the whole drive home for forgetting about his stupid wrist yet again. For being so careless. For his stupid _skin_ bruising so easily. _Was he really that weak?_

Walking inside Sebastian’s house, no, _his_ house now, too, Blaine found himself face to face with his second surprise of the afternoon: a vase of flowers. _That was new._

Blaine’s heart lifted tentatively, and he looked up from the flowers to see his boyfriend, an apologetic smile on his face. 

“Hey. Those are for you,” Sebastian began, his voice much softer than the tone Blaine had grown accustomed to hearing. “I owe you an apology, big time. I’ve been really nit-picky and hard on you, and I’m sorry. Things have been really stressful recently and I’ve been dealing with it by taking it out on you, which is really wrong.” 

_Wow._

This felt like a completely different Sebastian. Someone else entirely from the man who had crowded him up against the wall just the night before, who had instilled a fear in Blaine that he’d never felt before.

This felt... _better._

Sebastian looked up from where he sat on the couch, eyes unusually soft as he patted the cushion for Blaine to sit next to him. Blaine sat tentatively, surprised as his boyfriend reached out to join their hands, resting them in his lap. 

“I promise, I’m trying to do better. I’m gonna try and learn some ways to deal with it better, I swear,” Sebastian promised, holding eye contact. “No more getting mad and raising my voice, no more slamming the countertop, no more late night trips to bars. I am yours, Blaine. And you are _mine_ , and I’m not gonna ruin this for us. I’m sorry.” 

Sebastian offered Blaine another smile, and, for the first time in a long time, it felt _genuine_.

Blaine wasn’t going to take this for granted.

He wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s waist, mumbling a soft _I love you_ into his boyfriend's chest. 

“How about we watch a movie and cuddle?” Sebastian suggested after a quiet moment, squeezing his waist softly. “I’ll even let you pick.” 

Knowing Sebastian’s strong opinions when it came to movies, or _film,_ as he always called it, Blaine’s heart warmed as he felt the weight of the sentiment. He gazed up at his boyfriend and offered him another smile before sinking back into his chest, wanting to make the most of the moment.

This felt good. Sebastian was going to get his behavior under control, and then Nick and Jeff could not worry so much, and they could all be friends again. Blaine had known Sebastian was what he needed, after all, and he felt silly for letting his friends’ concerns get under his skin. They meant well, but they were always a little overbearing, and Blaine should have known better.

 _This_ was the way it was supposed to be. At least, he thought he would be able to do a better job convincing himself of that. It was all going to get better.

This was doable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and tell us what you think! We'll see you soon for chapter four!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all of the support and thoughtful comments thus far! we love reading them!
> 
> this is a big chapter in more ways than one. :-)

Another week or so had passed, and the pain of losing Blaine had faded to a dull, ever-present ache in Kurt’s chest. 

That wasn’t to say that Kurt had been thinking of Blaine any less, however. Instead, his thoughts had merely shifted, lingering on the way Blaine had acted in the Lima Bean that afternoon, the odd look in his eyes, the unmistakable bruise on his wrist. Kurt’s feelings had morphed into something more akin to worry as opposed to heartbreak.

Something was definitely going on with Blaine.

He knew it wasn’t his place to worry anymore. He told himself time and time again to let it go, to trust Blaine’s judgement, to focus on himself. 

But what if something was really wrong?

History and hard feelings aside, Kurt knew he couldn’t live with himself if something happened to Blaine.

 _Blaine._ His best friend. His one true love. The best thing he ever had.

No breakup, no amount of time, no amount of space could ever change that for Kurt.

So in the week that followed the run-in at the Lima Bean, Kurt resolved to set aside the feeling of acute loss, the temptation to shut everyone and everything out and retreat into himself. Instead, he took the last small hope he had to get Blaine back and channeled it into making sure that Blaine was okay in any way he could.

Not that he could do much. Their circles weren’t so concentric anymore, considering he’d only ever seen Blaine when they ran into one another completely unexpectedly. 

It’s not like he ever had a reason to _see_ Blaine.

Or maybe he did.

When Rachel first suggested inviting the Warblers for a friendly, informal two-day competition at McKinley, Kurt’s first instinct was to say _hell no._ Combining his workplace with the stress of his personal matters was the last thing he wanted to do.

But then he remembered the look in Blaine’s eyes. The unmistakable markings of a bruise on his wrist.

The way he looked so _small._

It didn’t take Kurt long at all to decide that yes, maybe the invitational _was_ a good idea. It was an opportunity. The New Directions really did need the opportunity to perform, for one thing, the opportunity to experience competition and all the motivation and adrenaline that came with it.

And Kurt needed the opportunity to keep an eye on Blaine. To be available. _Just in case._

So Kurt agreed to it, and a few days later, he found himself waiting around in the auditorium after the last of the Glee kids cleared out, waiting for the planning session to begin. The planning session with Rachel.

And Blaine.

Actually _knowing_ he was about to see Blaine made all the difference in the world, and Kurt was actually feeling ready for once. He felt in control. And if he’d put a little extra effort into his appearance, a little more care into choosing his outfit, he’d never admit it.

Every moment of life was an opportunity for fashion, of course.

Kurt spent a moment tinkering at the piano keys from where he sat on the piano bench, rehashing a simple melody Blaine had once taught him on the very same instrument. He smiled, allowing himself a moment to enjoy the fondness of the simple memory. 

He looked up, stilling his fingers over the keyboard at the sound of high-heeled footsteps approaching. Rachel’s voice was growing louder, no doubt on another tirade about something or another as she walked into the auditorium flanked by Blaine, who looked a little overwhelmed and a little in awe as Rachel talked a mile a minute. Kurt couldn’t help but laugh to himself a little. Blaine never had fully gotten used to Rachel’s work mode.

“Kurt!” Rachel exclaimed as they reached the stage, clapping her hands together. “I was _just_ telling Blaine _all_ about my ideas for the invitational next week. I know the New Directions are still a little low on numbers, but we’re getting there, I _know_ it. This is going to be the perfect way to motivate them, plus we can see what we’re up against with the Warblers - sorry, Blaine, - and…” 

And she was off to the races.

Kurt tried his best to focus on what Rachel was saying, to be a supportive co-worker and teammate, but his eyes couldn’t help but drift over to Blaine, where - _oh._

Blaine was already looking at him.

They exchanged shy smiles, Kurt pointedly ignoring how his heart fluttered a bit. _Dammit._ After all this time, all the ups and downs, even a small smile was enough to get to him. 

Blaine looked better today. A little more at ease, a little more comfortable in his own skin. A little more normal, if not just a bit quieter, a bit more reserved. _Maybe everything was fine after all._

The three of them made a pretty damn good team. Plans for the invitational came together seamlessly, and it all felt unexpectedly _easy,_ and before long, they had just begun chatting. Well, Kurt and Blaine had begun diligently listening as Rachel recounted her experience living in Los Angeles, telling stories both of them had already heard more than once.

For once, Kurt humored her. It would’ve been easy to cut her off. Any other day, he may have snapped at her that he already _knew_ all about the green smoothies near her apartment that she enjoyed every day until the barista laughed in her face for something she’d said. On another day, he may have taken the barista’s side, in fact, because _come on._ She probably deserved it.

But Rachel had been a good friend to him lately. Six-months-ago Kurt would have cut her down to size without a second thought, but the Kurt he was now was a little different. A little more patient. A little more empathetic.

A little _better,_ he hoped.

He couldn’t help but notice how _familiar_ this meeting-turned-social-hour felt, not unlike many afternoons the three of them had shared in the very same auditorium, the very same school.

Everything had changed, yet nothing had changed at all.

Then Rachel rushed out to take a phone call, shouting hurried apologies, consequently leaving Kurt and Blaine truly _alone_ together for the first time since the breakup.

Well, they were technically alone, though they _were_ joined by the palpable feeling of awkwardness that immediately swelled in Rachel’s absence. Kurt felt foolish for allowing himself to feel normal, to feel comfortable. _Everything had changed. It was all different._

But this was what Kurt was waiting for. This was a moment he could use, an opportunity he could take to check on Blaine. To make sure he was okay. 

“So, um,” Kurt began awkwardly, wincing as his voice was amplified by the acoustics in the too quiet, too empty auditorium. “I hear you moved in with Sebastian.” 

“Yeah, I finished bringing my stuff in a few days ago, actually.” Blaine kept his eyes trained on the floor, not daring to look up and make eye contact with Kurt. 

“Are you happy?” Kurt blurted out, immediately regretting it but refusing to backtrack. _He needed to know._ “With him, I mean. You just seemed…out of it the last time I saw you, and you had the bruise, and-” 

“I’m _fine_ , Kurt,” Blaine interjected, letting out a humorless laugh. “You know, it’s funny. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, but my answer is the same every single time.”

Kurt stared at him for a moment, searching, though Blaine still refused to make eye contact. _Why wouldn’t Blaine look at him?_

“Are you actually okay, or are you trying to convince yourself that you are when you really aren’t?” 

Blaine finally looked up at him then, a look of confusion mixed with something else. _Offense? Hurt? Regret? Indecision?_

“Look, Blaine,” Kurt sighed, continuing on when Blaine didn’t respond. Although he knew Blaine wouldn’t want to hear it, he had to take the opportunity. _Do something._ “We may not be... _together_ anymore, but I learned a lot about you when we were Blaine, and I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself.” 

He shrugged, giving Blaine a sad smile. Still no response. _Better than denial._ Kurt forged ahead, righting his posture to instill a bit of confidence. “I-I’m worried about you, Blaine. Like it or not, I still care about you, regardless of what our relationship status is.” 

Kurt’s eyes widened at what he had just admitted, but he held his chin up, and Blaine just continued to stare at him. _Say something, Blaine. Please say something. Please listen._

“I...I appreciate that Kurt, and I’m glad you care about me,” Blaine began carefully. “But I’m with Sebastian now. I...I think being friends would be good for the both of us. We work better that way.” _They were never just friends._

Awkward silence filled the auditorium, neither of them daring to move or say anything else. There was nothing else to say. The tension in the room was throwing Kurt off, and it still didn’t feel like _them,_ it didn’t feel like he was talking to _Blaine_. 

After what felt like an eternity, a ping coming from Blaine’s pocket startled them both, and Blaine fished out his phone, sighing at the screen.

“Sebastian’s almost here. I gotta get going,” Blaine explained, almost sounding apologetic. Kurt raised an eyebrow. Blaine had a car. Why did he need to be picked up? “But. You could walk out with me?” _Was that a good idea?_

Against his better judgement, Kurt just nodded and smiled faintly at Blaine, happy to take what he could get, happy that Blaine had invited him to walk out. _Maybe they could be friends after all._

If they could ever get over the awkwardness.

They ventured towards the front of the school in silence, a significant distance between them, and Kurt couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the sight of Sebastian leaning against his car once they got outside. He glanced over at Blaine, who was biting his lip with yet another unreadable expression on his face. He looked instantly smaller than he had moments prior, and Kurt instantly knew he was right. 

Something was definitely going on with Blaine. 

“Blaine, what the hell is Hummel doing here?” Sebastian spit out, shooting Kurt a glare. 

“Newsflash, idiot, I work here,” Kurt shot back. “Blaine, Rachel, and I were meeting to organize an invitational before sectionals. You know. _Working._ ” Kurt held his head high, determined to not let Meerkat get beneath his skin this time. It was Kurt’s turn to win.

He watched as Blaine walked over to meet Sebastian at the car, suppressing the instinct to grab Blaine, to keep him, to _protect._ Although he was never Sebastian’s biggest fan, Kurt genuinely couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very, very off.

“You didn’t tell me Hummel was gonna be here, Blaine. Why _was_ that?” Sebastian cocked an eyebrow, but Blaine just shook his head. _Come on, Blaine._

“Seb, just drop it. Please?” Blaine asked, his voice small. “Not here, not- not in front of Kurt.” 

Sebastian practically growled at that, wrapping an arm around Blaine and jerking him far too close too quickly. Kurt felt paralyzed, unsure of what to do. Every fiber of his being was screaming out to defend Blaine, to say something, _do something, Kurt,_ but he knew he couldn’t. Not here. 

It would only make things worse. 

“Whatever, Blaine. You know how protective I can be over the people I _care_ about, and standing up to _Hummel_ is no exception.” Sebastian’s eyes had never left Kurt’s, and Kurt almost found it funny the way Sebastian was staring him down, like a dog trying to assert his dominance. _Do something._

The instant he looked at Blaine, saw the way he was shrunken in, the mix of pleading and fear in his eyes, he bit back the urge. 

He had to drop it.

“I-I’ll see you around Blaine,” he managed, giving Blaine a small, sincere smile. “Have a good one.” _Please be okay._

Kurt let out a heavy sigh as he turned to head for his own car, shaking his head a little to get a grip on his thoughts. Something was definitely going on. Regardless of how Blaine’s eyes drew him in, how his smile made his heart flutter, how his presence instantly made Kurt feel safer even with the tension, the awkwardness, he had to push it all aside.

He had to make sure Blaine was okay.

But Kurt was afraid he already knew that he really, really wasn’t.

  
  


Blaine was looking forward to the invitational, he really was. The Warblers were sounding pretty good, and the leading man in him was always ready for an opportunity to perform. Any chance to run their tentative setlist for sectionals was invaluable, plus add in the element of friendly competition, and he knew the Warblers would-

Who was he kidding?

He was dreading it.

It had been a tough week. Ever since Sebastian had come to pick Blaine up from McKinley and saw him walking out with Kurt (completely innocently, of course - Kurt was a friend, a _colleague,_ even), things had been slightly tense with Sebastian at home.

With Sebastian. At home. At _their_ home. Where they both lived.

But it didn’t quite _feel_ like theirs yet. It all still felt like Sebastian’s. Sebastian hadn’t been too keen on creating space for Blaine’s things, only clearing a small section of the closet and two drawers in the dresser for Blaine to claim for his own. 

The situation was eerily familiar. Blaine couldn’t help but be reminded of moving to New York, moving into the loft, enrolling at NYADA, feeling so happy but not _centered._ Kurt already had a year under his belt to establish himself, and in many ways, Blaine felt like he was moving to _Kurt’s_ city, moving into _Kurt’s_ loft, enrolling at _Kurt’s_ school.

And Kurt hadn’t made room for Blaine, either.

Until he did.

And then he didn’t.

Even though Sebastian had gotten Blaine flowers, had told Blaine he loved him, had promised to do better, he made it very clear that he didn’t want Blaine spending time at McKinley. It wasn’t like Blaine had much of a choice, - it was his _job,_ after all, not a social call - but he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. Sebastian had promised things would be good again, and Blaine was just finding new ways to screw them up.

So Blaine was just ready to get the invitational over with.

Then they could go back to normal. Go back to being _better._

After getting the Warblers settled and warmed-up backstage, Blaine was feeling a little more comfortable. He had his proverbial Coach Hat on, and he was fully _in the zone_ and ready for their performance. Except for one distraction.

The faculty bathroom.

Maybe it was odd, but there was _something_ about returning to his old stomping grounds, as a teacher this time. He’d found a giddy pleasure in using the faculty bathroom at Dalton on his first day as coach, a time when he’d desperately needed any feeling of lightness. Now he could experience it again at McKinley.

Maybe it was odd, but no one had to know.

Blaine was just slipping out of the faculty bathroom (which was everything he’d expected it to be, somehow less magical than the facilities at Dalton but with a charm of its own) when he almost bumped into- 

Kurt. He couldn’t help but wonder if they’d ever stop running into each other. _Would it ever get easier?_

“Hi, Kurt.” Blaine swallowed the feeling of guilt that washed over him, plastering a polite smile onto his face. He couldn’t help but remember the way Sebastian glared at Kurt in the parking lot, and he knew all too well that Sebastian didn’t want them spending too much time together.

Or any time at all.

“Blaine! Aren’t the Warblers about to perform?” Kurt asked with a soft smile. Blaine absolutely did not notice how Kurt’s eyes popped in contrast to the teal shirt he was wearing. _Stop it, Blaine._

“Yeah, I, uh-” Blaine stammered, feeling suddenly embarrassed about his secret excursion. _No._ If anyone would get it, it was Kurt. They’d had more than one discussion back in high school about the inner workings of the faculty bathroom, and if they could sneak in to- _Stop. It. What had gotten into him?_ “Bathroom.”

Kurt’s smile grew, cocking a knowing eyebrow. “Ah, the infamous faculty bathroom. I have to say it’s not _quite_ as exciting as we’d hoped back in the day, but there’s still something...grown up about it. Walk with me?”

Of course Kurt got it. Kurt got _him._

And Kurt wanted to walk with him.

Blaine took a deep breath, pausing for a moment before nodding and falling into stride alongside him. They were headed to the same place, of course. It wasn’t like he was doing something wrong. _No one had to know._

Then it was quiet. It was _awkward._ He wasn’t sure what to do or what to say. Should he just let them walk? Should he say something? Small talk felt silly and beneath them, but anything else felt far too _big,_ and he wasn’t sure if-

“Oh! Is that new?” Kurt asked, pointing ahead of them, his question shaking Blaine out of his thoughts. Huh. An elevator?

“That’s...convenient,” Blaine managed. _How strange._ He shrugged, about to turn the corner to take the usual path to the stairs, but Kurt moved ahead to press the button, opening the elevator doors.

Guess they were taking the elevator.

It wasn’t that Blaine was hoping to _avoid_ spending time with Kurt, but their planning session the week prior hadn’t ended on a good note, not to mention their two earlier run-ins. He wasn’t sure how to act around Kurt, how to just be friends again. _Were they ever really just friends?_

“You know, it figures they’d get an elevator _after_ Artie graduates,” Kurt said, shaking his head as he pressed the button to the appropriate floor. So casual. So conversational. _How was Kurt so good at this?_

Blaine startled as he noticed Kurt was looking at him expectantly, waiting for a response, some kind of acknowledgement. He really had to stop getting stuck in his head. 

“Um...yeah,” he said lamely, wincing. _He had to do better._ “Are you excited? For the invitational?”

“Eh, more or less. We’re still getting our numbers up, but they’ll get there.”

“They always do. The Warblers are sounding pretty good, actually, even though I had a little trouble-”

“Blaine? Uh, is the elevator moving?”

_Shit._

Blaine stared at the elevator doors in vain, willing them to open again, for _something to happen,_ but nothing. He looked around, up, down, right, left-

_Was that a bathroom?_

“Is that a bathroom?” Blaine stammered out, eyes widening. He froze. This wasn’t right.

“This...I don’t think this is a real elevator,” Kurt managed after a pause before lunging for the elevator buttons. “Come on, _open,_ dammit.” 

In another universe, Blaine might make a joke about how fast Kurt was trying to get away from him. He might help him pull on the doors. In a _certain_ universe, he might take the opportunity to make good on a particular _item_ on their couples’ bucket list, but, well. That didn’t exist anymore.

Blaine did none of those things. Instead, he found himself backing into the corner, merely watching as Kurt pulled on the doors, pressed the emergency buttons, paced the floor, nothing.

“Dammit!” Kurt exclaimed again, and Blaine flinched. _Get a grip._ “I should’ve known better, this school is underfunded _hell,_ after all. If they can’t find a Spanish teacher that _actually_ speaks Spanish, I don’t know why I thought they could properly build an elevator…” He trailed off, continuing to mumble to himself as he paced the floor. 

Blaine watched.

He knew Kurt, and Kurt was starting to freak out. Blaine wanted to help, he wanted to do something, he wanted to _fix_ it, but he wasn’t sure if Kurt even wanted him to.

Kurt switched back to trying to pull the elevator doors open, groaning as he lost his grip in a quick movement. 

“We’re stuck. We’re trapped. We’re never getting out of here, Blaine, _fuck!”_ A slam of his fist against the elevator doors punctuated Kurt’s shout before he turned around, only to catch Blaine flinching, making himself impossibly small in the corner.

Blaine’s eyes were wide, unsure whether he was more surprised at Kurt’s outburst or his own reaction. _What was wrong with him?_

Kurt stared right back at him, silent for a long moment. Blaine looked away, missing the way Kurt’s entire body deflated.

 _“Blaine,_ ” he breathed, his voice instantly a thousand times softer than just moments prior. Blaine took a deep, shaky breath, attempting to settle himself down. It was just Kurt. After everything, it was still Kurt. “Look at me.” 

It wasn’t until Kurt asked that Blaine realized he _had_ looked away, but it was true - his eyes were glued to the floor, staunchly avoiding eye contact. He slowly looked up to find Kurt’s eyes soft, searching.

He didn’t know what Kurt was looking for.

“We’re going to get out of here, Blaine. I promise you.”

They were going to get out of there. They were. _They had to._

He promised Blaine.

Cowering, _small_ Blaine. Cowering _away from_ _Kurt._

It had been an hour, maybe two, and all Kurt knew was that his phone was dead and it was _really_ stuffy in that elevator and he felt like a complete piece of shit for scaring Blaine.

It had been an hour, maybe two, and Kurt and Blaine had exchanged just as many words.

From where he lay on the floor, trying not to think of the dust and the germs and _how close he was to a public bathroom,_ Kurt distracted himself with memories of a time not too long ago, a time where he and Blaine never seemed to be able to _stop_ talking. _Why was it so hard now?_

The answer, in Kurt’s opinion, was all too obvious, all too rodent-like.

But Kurt wasn’t going to go there. He was better than that.

None of it mattered, anyway, if they died in the fake elevator. _No. They were getting out._

He promised Blaine.

Blaine, who was laying on the floor as well, a safe distance away. Kurt turned his head to look at him, to check on him for a moment. The image of Blaine flinching kept replaying in his mind, and he knew he couldn’t live with himself if Blaine wasn’t alright.

He looked alright, though. Not quite relaxed, per se, but neutral, eyes closed. Faring better than Kurt, even, who was trying his best not to feel claustrophobic, not to feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty and awkwardness and _what-the-fuck-is-going-on_ of it all.

Plus, he was _bored._ Who knew how long they were going to be stuck? Kurt’s phone was dead, not that there was any cell service anyway, and he doubted anyone even knew they were there. 

Things were awkward with Blaine, but Kurt knew he needed to break the ice to prevent their demise by boredom before even having the chance to get out.

Kurt let out a heavy, dramatic sigh, secretly hoping to get a reaction out of Blaine, who stayed still, eyes closed, though a blink-and-you-miss-it hint of a smile tugged at his lips. _Success._

“You know,” Kurt began softly, silently willing Blaine to look at him. “You have your bag, right? Do you have paper?”

Blaine just hummed in acknowledgement.

“Let’s play a game.”

  
  


Blaine wasn’t exactly sure what Kurt was trying to do, but he wasn’t necessarily complaining. It felt like he’d lost track of time ages ago, and his phone was dead, and he didn’t know what to _do._ What _could_ they do? They were stuck.

How long were they going to be in there? Did anyone notice they were missing from the invitational? Had the groups performed yet? Had everyone gone home? Was it dark out? _What would Sebastian say if he didn’t come home?_

How could he ever explain getting trapped in a _fake elevator_ for hours with _Kurt?_

_What the hell was going on?_

So when Kurt suggested they play Head’s Up, Blaine welcomed the distraction.

As he jotted down his clues on torn-off pieces of paper, he considered that their game could go in any number of directions. It could be awkward. It could be uncomfortable. 

But Blaine had meant it when he told Kurt he thought being friends would be good for the both of them ( _please, let them be friends again),_ and maybe this would help.

He glanced over at Kurt, who was scribbling on his own slips of paper, and wondered what clues _he_ was writing down. _Was he doing this right?_

Blaine looked down at his own pile of papers, frowning. _Ice cream. Pizza. Fettuccine alfredo._

Maybe he was hungry.

“Okay! I’m ready,” Kurt announced, reaching for Blaine’s stack to shuffle them all together. 

The first few rounds progressed slowly, exchanging small smiles during the awkward silence that continued to rear its ugly head. He was suddenly grateful for his own penchant for food-related clues - they were surface level. Easy.

But Blaine could tell Kurt was enjoying himself, and he couldn’t help but notice the way Kurt’s eyes twinkled as Blaine rattled off questions and lame guesses, the way Kurt lit up when he got one right, competitive spirit poking through, the way he cheered when he got a particularly difficult clue correct. _Should he be noticing?_

They were trapped together. They were stuck in an elevator. Time was all but a meaningless concept.

Maybe he’d let himself notice. Maybe Blaine would let himself enjoy this, too. _No one had to know. Not even Sebastian._

He could feel guilty later.

With a new resolve and a mental pep-talk, Blaine propped himself up on his elbow and gave Kurt a small smile as he lifted a paper to his forehead. “My turn.”

“Oh! This is- It’s a drink, it’s a hot drink, they-they have it at the Lima Bean,” Kurt began, fumbling over his words in a way that Blaine knew meant his thoughts were racing a mile a minute, faster than he could get them out.

_Let your guard down._

Blaine let out a small, genuine laugh, shaking his head. “Coffee? Mocha?” 

“No! Um- oh! If I was an ironic rapper, this would be my name.” Kurt paused a beat, grinning, before continuing. “It- we drank it when we went ice skating at Bryant Park, that one time…”

Blaine couldn’t help but smile, the fond memory flashing in his mind. He instantly knew the answer. A mention of their relationship, of their happy times together, should have been wrong, should have felt strange, but it just _didn’t._ That was Kurt then, and it was still Kurt now. _No one had to know. Let him in._

“Hot chocolate,” Blaine declared, grinning as Kurt cheered from his spot on the floor. “That _would_ be your rapper name. You’d be MC Hot Chocolate.” 

“MC Hot Chocolate,” Kurt sighed, staring wistfully up at the ceiling. “Oh, the life I never lived...”

Blaine’s smile only widened, a toothy grin that he’d grown unaccustomed to wearing the past months. It felt _good._ _No one had to know._

“What a tragedy, you’re in the wrong profession. Aren’t you a teacher now?” he teased, pulling the paper from where he had held it up against his forehead. “You’re blowing it.”

_You’re blowing it._

Blaine tensed briefly, silently cursing himself for letting his walls down so quickly, for talking so freely, somehow still hoping Kurt wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

When Kurt just laughed, Blaine felt like he could breathe again.

Things got easier after that. Suddenly it was them again, awkwardness and history and drama gone by the wayside. Inside that elevator, it was just them. It was just Kurt, and it was just Blaine. Same as it ever was.

Clue after clue turned to laughter and stories, and they ended up laying on the floor on their sides, turned towards one another, mirrored. It felt so _easy,_ and Blaine was relieved more than anything to know that it was still possible for things to be easy with Kurt. Even before their breakup, they’d gotten so _difficult_.

“Okay, okay. My turn,” Kurt announced, pulling the remaining slips of their dwindling pile towards him. Blaine grinned at the clue that appeared on Kurt’s forehead, taking a moment to revel in the memory that instantly popped into his mind. _No one had to know._

“Oh! It’s printed on my mug. The- the mug you got me to...to remind me of you, it was in that care package you sent me when you first moved to New York.” Blaine smiled fondly at the thought of it, of how happy he had been to find the small package in the mail. He had missed Kurt so much after he’d moved to New York, and having little things around to remind him of his boyfriend helped.

The coffee mug wasn’t anything special at first glance. In fact, it didn’t look like Blaine, and it wasn’t. He’d never had any particular connection to Paris, so a tasteful image of the Eiffel Tower printed on a mug wasn’t his usual style, but _Kurt_ had a particular connection, and Blaine had a particular connection to Kurt.

Blaine had treasured it ever since, carefully packing it each time as he moved to New York, then back to Ohio, then in with Sebastian. 

And then it was gone, a casualty of one of the tenser nights he’d had with Sebastian that week. 

He tried to be careful while unpacking his things, sliding what fit into the small places Sebastian had allotted him without a fuss, hoping to keep the peace. Regardless of his effort, he was all too aware of Sebastian’s growing frustration with him, with his stuff, with his _presence_ , culminating in the kitchen as Blaine tried to find room for his small collection of mugs.

Blaine was just pulling his Paris mug out of its packing, a small smile on his face at the lingering sentimentality of it, when Sebastian had apparently had enough. Everything happened quickly after that.

Sebastian coming towards him, face red and a snarl in his throat. _Forget the damn mugs, Blaine_. Sebastian lifting a hand. Sebastian knocking the mug.

The mug falling. The mug hitting the floor. The mug shattering.

Blaine freezing. Sebastian freezing. Time freezing.

Then a flurry of apologies, and Blaine was rushed into a hug, Sebastian mumbling apologies, Blaine completely deflating. _I promised I’d do better, Blaine. I will. I’m sorry. I’ve been so stressed. I’ll do better now._

Blaine had tried to shrug it off, swallowing the hurt. It was just a mug, after all.

But it felt like so much more than that.

  
  


“I got it! The Eiffel Tower!” Kurt exclaimed, excitedly looking over at Blaine, who suddenly had a far-off look on his face. He’d thought things were going better, all hostage-related things considered, and Blaine was so much more _Blaine,_ but now he looked a million miles away. _What happened all the sudden?_

“Blaine? You alright?” he asked softly, sitting up a little. “Where’d you go?”

“Oh, um. The mug. It was my favorite, you know. Well, it was. Sebastian accidentally broke it the other day.”

_Oh._

Kurt barely managed to suppress a flinch at the mention of _that_ name, letting out a deep sigh. The past couple hours (three hours? Four hours?) had felt very much like a Sebastian-free zone, but Kurt was kidding himself to think that would last. Blaine was with Sebastian now. _Kurt lost._

“Oh. Well, that’s okay, Blaine. It’s just a mug. It happens,” Kurt tried to reassure him, but something felt off. _That couldn’t be it._

Blaine sighed, shaking his head a little. “I know, but it- he… never mind. It’s fine.” 

Kurt sat up fully then, pulling his knees to his chest and just looking at Blaine for a moment. Blaine was shutting down again, and Kurt felt at a loss as to how to keep from losing him completely. He couldn’t stand to see Blaine so _small_ in a way he never had been, not even during their most explosive fights back in New York. At one point he knew Blaine even better than he knew himself, and he’d like to think he still knew him pretty damn well. _Do something._

“Blaine…” Kurt began with a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment to collect his thoughts. “I know you don’t want to talk about this. But I can’t help but notice the way you shut down when you’re around Sebastian, or when you even mention him. I just… I feel like Sebastian has this...this _hold_ over you or something.” _Or something worse._

“Kurt, please. I’m fine. I was fine last week, and I’m fine now. I’m with Seb-”

“Blaine, _stop,”_ Kurt insisted, trying to sound firm without sounding aggressive. He was terrified of scaring Blaine again, of making him cower into the corner again, of being the reason for that _fear_. “Just listen to me for a minute. _Please.”_

Blaine closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before sitting up as well, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “Okay. I’m listening.” When he opened his eyes again, Kurt saw a softness, an intensity that told him Blaine really _was_ listening, he was _open_ to Kurt in a way he hadn’t been since all of this started. _Now was his chance. Do something._

“I _care_ about you, Blaine, you know I do. I-I know we have a complicated history, but you’ve been my best friend for years, and _please_ just know you can still talk to me. You can talk to me about anything,” Kurt said softly, emphatically, making sure to hold Blaine’s eye contact before continuing. “If you ever felt like you needed help, if- if you were in a bad situation, with Sebastian or with _anything,_ you can always come to me.” _Please come to me._

They just looked at each other for a long moment, Kurt trying desperately to find a way into Blaine’s head, into his thoughts through looking into his eyes. He just needed to _know._

Kurt waited patiently for Blaine to get his thoughts together, to say something, to talk to him. _Please talk to me._ Finally, Blaine shook his head a little before beginning to speak, looking away from Kurt again.

“I guess… He can be a little controlling,” Blaine admitted, and Kurt bit his tongue to keep from interjecting. _Let him talk._ “He likes to decide things for me, and he...he does get mad when I mess up. And he’s… he’s pulled on my wrist a little too hard a couple times, I mean, you saw the mark. Which I don’t really like, but…”

 _“Blaine,”_ Kurt breathed, unsure of what to say. _There were so many things to say._ It was the closest thing Kurt had heard to an acknowledgement, and he was nearly speechless. Sebastian had clearly done such a number on Blaine in just a couple short months, and Kurt’s heart ached. 

Blaine’s eyes widened, and he quickly shook his head. “No, no, I mean, it’s fine, really. I deserve it. He’s just trying to help me, honestly. I-I know I screw things up, and I just need to do better.” 

Was Blaine seriously _still_ defending Sebastian? Kurt was finding it increasingly difficult to stay calm, feeling rage bubble up in his chest, not at Blaine, of course, but _for_ him. _Keep it together._

“ _No,_ you _do not_ deserve it, Blaine,” Kurt snapped, internally wincing at how sharp the words came out, but _fuck_ . He was angry. He was angry at Sebastian, angry at the stupid elevator, angry at _himself._ “This _isn’t you,_ can’t you see that? Can’t you see how different you are? I barely recognize you anymore! I mean, _shit,_ are you even _in there?_ Can’t you see what he’s _doing_ to you?”

Kurt was essentially yelling by the end of it, but Blaine wasn’t cowering at all, in fact, and Kurt may have been proud of him if he weren’t so _mad._

“ _Why do you even care?_ ” Blaine shouted, and Kurt froze, feeling his face heat up. His eyes widened, but Blaine wasn’t done. “ _You’re_ the one that left. _You_ left _me. You’re_ the one that ended things. You _left_ me, Kurt. You apparently didn’t care in New York, so I sure as hell don’t understand why you suddenly care again now, and-”

“Because I still love you, you idiot!” Kurt blurted, face red and fists clenched, heart pounding in his chest, and he could barely breathe, and nothing was real anymore other than _this moment,_ it was just Blaine everywhere, _BlaineBlaineBlaine_. _I love you, I never stopped, please love me too._

Kurt stared at Blaine in horror, clapping a hand over his own mouth.

_Fuck._

“I-I…” he began, but there was nothing to say. There was nothing he could do. He was frozen, and time was frozen, and it could have been five seconds or five minutes or five hours before Blaine finally moved, pulling his knees to his chest and looking so small again, so _devastatingly small._

“Really?” Blaine asked, voice barely sounding. The look on his face was something completely new, a mix of shock and residual anger and something entirely unreadable that Kurt knew he would never be able to figure out, but it was something that kept Kurt from taking it back, from backtracking, from running for the bathroom to lock himself in and never come out. _Do something._

Kurt was barely aware of his body moving towards Blaine, shrinking the space between them in the elevator that suddenly felt endlessly large and overwhelmingly small at the same time. When he realized what he was doing, though, he didn’t stop. 

It felt like one last chance.

“Of course I do,” he breathed, voice catching in his throat and keeping his eyes locked with Blaine’s, searching for some sign to stop, some sign to _go,_ and finding nothing. 

Blaine was right there, Blaine was _everywhere,_ and Kurt couldn’t breathe.

“Tell me to stop,” he managed in a broken whisper, still searching. Nothing.

Before he could convince himself otherwise, before he could weigh the consequences, before he could remember _why_ any of it was a problem in the first place, before he could think of anything in the world that existed other than _just the two of them,_ Kurt closed the remaining distance, pressing his lips softly to Blaine’s.

When Kurt had woken up that morning, he’d had no reason to believe he’d be kissing Blaine that day or, truly, ever again. He had _lost,_ after all.

He especially had no reason to believe Blaine would absolutely _melt,_ reaching up to hold Kurt’s face the way he had a thousand times before, somehow feeling so familiar and so _new_ all at once but mostly so _right,_ and they were grasping at each other, pouring in all of the feelings they couldn’t name, the words they couldn’t say, _everything._

Time didn’t exist, _nothing_ existed outside that elevator, outside _KurtandBlaine,_ and Kurt had lost track of everything by the time the kiss finally broke. 

They stared wordlessly at one another, stunned, lips kissed red and slightly swollen. The world stopped turning.

“ _Blaine,”_ Kurt finally breathed, needing something to ground him, to center him, something to tell him this was real, that this was happening, that this was okay. 

Blaine’s eyes filled with horror then, slowly shaking his head but otherwise unmoving. “Sebastian,” he blurted out like the very word was painful, and Kurt couldn’t help but flinch, reality flooding back in like a tidal wave. _Fuck. Sebastian._

Kurt bit his lip, hoping against all hopes that he could keep it together, that he could keep his feelings from completely taking over, but he didn’t trust himself. He was so close to reaching out again, to touch Blaine somehow _,_ to anchor himself to the planet, to keep Blaine from disappearing and to cling to the hope that _somehow_ , maybe they could be _them_ again, but Blaine started backing away slowly, and Kurt could see his walls go up before his very eyes.

Gone was the playful, smiling Blaine from their silly game. Gone was the open, vulnerable Blaine that talked to him, that _listened_ to him. Gone was the emotional, passionate Blaine that had kissed him like his life depended on it.

Blaine’s walls were up, and he was impossibly small again.

“We can’t do this,” Blaine began, voice shaking. “We- you shouldn’t have done that, Kurt. Regardless of… we- we can’t, I’m with Sebastian now, and when he finds out…”

Kurt could barely hear the words Blaine was saying above the pounding of his racing heartbeat in his ears. He felt like he was hyperventilating and somehow not breathing at all, and Blaine was freaking out, and Kurt didn’t know what to do. _Do something._

Before he had the chance, they were both startled by a _ding!_ as the elevator doors suddenly opened. Kurt was frozen, but Blaine was scrambling, standing up and grabbing his bag, out of the elevator and halfway down the hallway in an instant. 

Kurt fell back against the wall with a groan, rubbing his face with his hands.

Blaine was everywhere, and now he was nowhere.

_Fuck._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we can't thank you enough for all the support! it means the world!

It had only taken Kurt a moment to decide that the only possible way to fix this was to go after Blaine. It was the only chance he had. _Was there even a chance?_

They had made so much progress in the elevator. They were laughing again, smiling, reminiscing. They were _them_ again. _KurtandBlaine._

And then Kurt pushed it too far.

In the blink of an eye, they were back to square one. 

If he could find a way to explain himself, to apologize, to prove that Blaine could trust him, that it would never happen again _(but please don’t make me take it back),_ maybe he could make things right. Maybe he could keep an eye on Blaine. Maybe they could be friends again. _Like they ever really were._

_Do something._

Kurt ran.

“Blaine, wait. _Blaine!_ ” he shouted as he sprinted down the hallway, but it was too late - Blaine was already out the door.

He was gone.

  
  


Blaine was reeling as he rushed out of the elevator, the reality of what had just happened - so many things that _should not have just happened -_ hitting him like a freight train.

He couldn’t breathe.

Judging by the emptiness of the school and a glimpse out the window at the night sky, it was late, _so_ late, and he was panicking. Sebastian was supposed to pick him up _hours_ ago, and Blaine had no idea if he’d still be in the parking lot, or if he’d be waiting at home, or if he’d be waiting for Blaine at all. 

He didn’t know what to hope for.

God, Sebastian was going to be so mad. Sure, he had promised Blaine he’d do better, but Blaine knew he didn’t deserve that anymore. He was screwing everything up left and right, but this was the biggest mistake by far. 

He still had no idea how it even happened. How they got in the elevator, how the elevator _got_ there, how long they’d been in there, how they had ended up so close to one another, how they had ended up- 

Blaine almost couldn’t bring himself to face Sebastian. 

But he had to.

As much as he wanted to hide, to duck into the faculty bathroom, or go back to the _elevator_ , even, _back to Kurt_ , back to-

No.

Waiting any longer would only make things worse. 

With a shaky sigh, a pitiful attempt to center himself, Blaine burst out of the school and into the parking lot, only to find Sebastian leaned up against the car, his arms crossed over his chest and an unreadable expression on his face. _Shit._

“Seb, I’m so sorry,” he began in a rush. “You won’t believe what happened, I-” 

“Get in the car,” Sebastian snapped, his tone impossibly dark in a way that sent a chill down Blaine’s spine and instantly stopped him in his tracks. He tried to shake off the feeling of fear that attempted to paralyze him, to remember that this was his boyfriend, that things were supposed to be _better_ now.

For some reason, though, he couldn’t quite shake Kurt’s voice out of his head, the words from their conversation in the elevator echoing in his mind.

_I can’t help but notice the way you shut down._

Blaine swallowed heavily before making his way to the car, plucking up the courage to look briefly at Sebastian, attempting to find any sort of clue at how this was going to go. Blaine could practically see the smoke blowing out of his ears. 

_Shit._

Trying to stop his hands from trembling, Blaine slowly opened his door and climbed in carefully, not daring to say another word. Things were already bad enough, he needed to do what little damage control he could. _Keep the peace._

_I feel like Sebastian has this hold over you._

The tension was impossibly thick during the silent drive home, and Blaine could almost _feel_ Sebastian seething. Though his eyes were dutifully trained on the road, Sebastian’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel reminded Blaine under no uncertain terms that his boyfriend was angry with him, that he had screwed up. 

Things were supposed to be better, but Blaine felt at a loss for how to _make_ them better.

_Are you actually okay?_

He just stared at his shoes, searching for answers.

He didn’t find any.

The drive felt impossibly long and all too short at the same time, and when they reached home, Blaine still didn’t feel ready. Sebastian stormed quickly out of the car and in front of him, practically plowing down the door as he went inside. 

Blaine followed quietly, shutting the door behind him and shuffling into the kitchen behind Sebastian. He knew he had to fix this, he had to explain, but he had no idea what to say when _he_ had no idea what had even happened that day. He could make no sense of it.

_Do something._

“Seb, I swear,” he began, voice shaky but sincere, if not begging. _Please listen._ “I can explain-”

“Three hours,” Sebastian snapped, his back to him. “ _Three fucking hours,_ Blaine. You were _three hours_ late. What the hell am I supposed to think of that, huh?” Sebastian turned to him in a sudden movement, his eyes dark, and Blaine could feel himself shrinking against the wall. 

_This isn't you. Can’t you see that?_

“Seb, as- as crazy as it sounds, I _swear_ ,” he insisted, pleading with him. “We were trapped in an elevator, but it was fake, so someone had _planted_ it there, I guess, and I don’t understand it, but I-” 

“ _I know,”_ Sebastian interjected, biting out the words. They felt foreign to Blaine’s ears. _What? How could he know?_ “The real question is why the _fuck_ did you kiss Hummel?”

_What?_

Blaine just gaped up at him, a mixture of shock and fear filling his face. He had no idea what was happening. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. How did Sebastian _know?_

A million questions were running through his mind, his thoughts racing a mile a minute. He didn’t know where to begin, what to focus on, how to explain.

_Can’t you see how different you are?_

After a long moment, Blaine took a breath, working up the nerve to ask. He had to know. _Courage._

“How… What? How do you... _what?”_

Sebastian chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. “I _knew_ something was off,” he spat. “You were spending all your damn time at _McKinley_.” He came closer then, and Blaine tensed, backing slightly against the wall. It felt all too familiar to the night he thought Sebastian was going to hit him. He’d brushed it off then, calling it irrational. 

It didn’t feel so irrational now.

Blaine kept his eyes trained to the floor, feeling impossibly small, feeling utterly lost and overwhelmed at the accusation. That day was only the second he’d spent at McKinley, and he couldn’t understand anything that was going on. He wished the floor would swallow him up.

_I barely recognize you anymore._

“So,” Sebastian continued, his voice lower. “I called in a few favors and set up that damn elevator with cameras, and you two fell right for it.”

Blaine just stared at him, breath catching in his throat. He felt like he was going out of his body, levitating, looking down at the pair of them, and he couldn’t make sense of any of it. Being stuck _in_ the fake elevator was one thing, but he couldn’t comprehend _why._

He choked back the wave of fear that washed over him at the thought of what else Sebastian might be capable of.

“ _You_ set up the elevator? I don’t understand, w-why would you do that? I... just. Why?” he stammered, afraid to ask the questions but needing to know the answers. Needing to make sense of it all, of any of it. He felt like he was losing his mind.

_Can’t you see what he’s doing to you?_

“I had to find out for myself,” Sebastian said with a shrug, as it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I had a feeling I knew what was _really_ going on during your little _field trips_ to McKinley, and surprise, surprise. The second you get a minute alone with _him_ , you’re _making out!"_

Sebastian was yelling by the end of it, and smacking his fist down on the counter. The sound sent a shock to Blaine’s system, making him flinch. His brain was screaming at him, telling him to _fix this, stop screwing up, make it better, make everything good again._

He didn’t know how.

_Are you even in there?_

“Sebastian, I swear, he- _he_ kissed _me_ , I didn’t even-” 

_“Tell me,_ then,” Sebastian demanded with a shout. “Go ahead. Tell me. Tell me that kiss meant nothing to you. Tell me that _he_ means nothing to you. Fucking _tell me,_ Blaine _. Tell me!”_

Sebastian was full out screaming now, and Blaine wanted to run. 

He was frozen.

He knew he had to say it. He had to say it meant nothing, that _Kurt_ meant nothing, that none of it ever meant anything, that Sebastian was it for him, but the words wouldn’t form. _Just say it. Say it. It doesn’t have to mean anything._

But he was paralyzed, his mind flooded with images of Kurt, of their kiss, of _all of it,_ trying to make it mean nothing, trying to convince himself of it, but he _couldn’t._

Kurt wasn’t nothing.

Kurt was _everything._

_I still love you, you idiot._

He couldn’t breathe.

Blaine willed his brain to work, to convince himself that it meant nothing, to make himself believe Sebastian was everything, to _stop thinking about Kurt,_ but no words came out. 

He gaped, silently pleading with Sebastian as he felt tears start to run down his face. _Do something._

 _Do something before he leaves you too._

Seconds, minutes, _hours,_ even, could have passed as Blaine stood there against the wall, speechless, trying to get his mouth to form the words, to get his voice to come out, to just _say it_. _It doesn’t have to mean anything._

Sebastian slowly reached to pick up his keys again and moved towards the door, eyes still trained on Blaine’s face. 

No words came no matter how much Blaine wanted them to. No matter how much he _needed_ them to. 

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even lie. Kurt was _everything._

_I still love you, you idiot. Of course I do._

Sebastian spat out another bitter laugh, shaking his head and moving towards the door. “Fine. I’ll be back later. _Much_ later. Do me a favor?” He paused, shooting Blaine a glare. _“Don’t_ be awake when I get back.” 

With a slam of the front door, he was gone.

Sebastian was gone. _Was he really even coming back?_

Did Blaine want him to?

He slid down the wall to collapse onto the hard tile, wrapping his arms around his knees to shrink into a ball as he finally let himself fall apart, choking out rough sobs. 

It was all too much. The elevator, the awkwardness with Kurt that dissipated into Blaine _feeling like Blaine_ for the first time in months, the confession, the kiss…

_I still love you, you idiot._

_Of course I do._

_Tell me to stop._

Combined with Sebastian, the whole setup, the fight, and the ultimatum, it completely overwhelmed him entirely, and _why couldn’t he just say Kurt meant nothing to him?_

Why couldn’t he make things better with Sebastian?

He had to come back. Blaine _needed_ him. He needed _someone._

Sebastian was all he had left, after all. 

But now he wasn’t even sure of that anymore. 

  
  


Kurt wasn’t sure how he made it home, mind so stuck on Blaine, all Blaine, _just Blaine,_ but when he finally snapped out of it, he found himself sitting in the driveway, car off, staring at the garage door. It was late, _really_ late, and he hoped his dad and Carole were already asleep so he could just slip in unnoticed and go to bed and try to process everything that had happened that day.

How did he go from feeling like he could barely talk to Blaine at all to blurting out his feelings, to _kissing him?_ What made him think he could just _do_ that? _How could he be so stupid?_

If he hadn’t ruined everything before, he sure as hell did after _that._

And then there was the question of why they were stuck, _what_ they were even stuck in. Why was it even there?

_Was any of it even real?_

Kurt’s mind was completely boggled.

Finally, he shuffled into the house quietly, hoping not to draw attention to himself. That hope was dashed however, when he came face to face with his father, sitting on the couch with the sports channel on.

_Shit._

“Well, at least you came home,” Burt chuckled. “What got you out so late? I didn’t realize you had plans.” 

Kurt groaned softly. Time to face the music.

“I didn’t,” he confirmed, shaking his head. “Dad, you don’t have to wait up for me, though. I’m- I’m fine.” Kurt sighed, wincing at how fake the words sounded. _How could he be fine?_

“Kurt,” his dad said with a chuckle, motioning for Kurt to join him on the couch. “I think you’re forgetting that I raised you, and I know when something is wrong. Spit it out, bud. What’s got you like this?” 

He really did want to talk to his dad about it eventually. Living at home, he knew the conversation was inevitable, in fact, but he wasn’t sure he was ready.

_Would he ever be ready?_

How he could explain anything when none of it made sense to him either? 

Kurt took a deep breath as he sat down, looking down at his lap as he tried to gather his thoughts, to stop his head from spinning, to somehow focus _._

_What’s got you like this?_

His heart was racing, his mind was racing, and he felt just shy of hyperventilating, of panicking as he considered everything that had just happened.

“I-I don’t know what to do, Dad,” he began, thoughts instantly racing faster than he could process or find the words for. “I-I mean, I thought I knew exactly what I was gonna do when I got here, that it would be so easy to just find Blaine and get him back and start the rest of our lives, but then- everything changed, Sebastian, and I just feel like I’m _floating_ , and-”

“Hey. Hey. Take a breath,” Burt chuckled softly, reaching out to put his hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt was grateful for the touch, for something to ground him, to anchor him to the world because he was beginning to feel like he was about to be flung into outer space. “Start with what you were planning to do, and then take it one step at a time, okay?” 

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

With a long, slow exhale, Kurt let out every fiber of worry that had clouded him for the last three weeks of his life. 

He told his dad everything: coming back to get Blaine, the run-in at Between The Sheets, the breakdown in the car, the run-in at Lima Bean, the invitational, and finally ending with the impossibly confusing elevator-that-wasn’t, the confession, the kiss that should’ve been a mistake but still _so wasn’t and never could be._

“I-I’m worried, Dad,” he admitted, looking up sadly. “ _Seriously_ worried. I may... I may have mostly come back here to get him back, but- there’s something that runs so much _deeper_ now and…” He let out a shaky breath at the thought _(how deep did this run?)_ before continuing, swallowing back the tears that threatened to well up. 

“Dad, I saw the bruises on his wrist… And the way Sebastian talks to him, I just... I don’t think he’s safe, and it’s like he’s _hiding._ Blaine’s there, but he’s not _Blaine_ anymore. A-And anytime he seems to hear me, anytime he seems to acknowledge that something is wrong, he just… He retreats just as fast. It’s one step forward, three steps back, Dad, and I… I know I already lost him, and I’m trying to accept that, but… I don’t want to watch him lose himself, too. I _can’t._ ”

Kurt choked back a sob by the end of it, refusing to let himself fall apart. He had to stay strong. He had to set his own feelings aside, to forget about being hopelessly _(fearlesslyandforever)_ in love, to stop hitting himself for letting him go. He had to put Blaine first.

Somebody had to.

It was tearing him up inside.

_Take a breath._

He looked over at his dad, carefully watching him sigh and stare down at his clasped hands, taking his time to mull it over. 

Kurt couldn’t help but wish his dad could make it all go away.

As a kid, his dad was his hero, his anchor. Kurt was incredibly close with his mom, sure, and though he didn’t remember her well, he remembered the _feeling._ It was like she’d hung the moon and the stars.

His dad was their sun. In his young eyes, his dad made the world go round. He could fix anything, _do_ anything.

Though he’d grown up since, gone through hell and back, his dad was still his rock.

He couldn’t help but hold out hope that his dad held the key to unlock the perfect solution, the answer to solve the riddle of how to make Blaine _happy_ again, with or without Kurt. _Please let me make him happy._

But he was older now, and he knew it couldn’t be that easy. 

_At least let it be possible._

“Kurt, I think you need to keep talking to Blaine,” Burt began carefully, rubbing the back of his neck thoughtfully before looking over at him. “Be there for him. Try to remind him of who he is underneath it all, y’know? Keep encouraging him to acknowledge the problem. Because you’re right, kiddo. This _is_ a problem.”

Burt gave him a small, sad smile, reaching out to wrap his arm around Kurt. Kurt fell against his dad willingly, relying on his dad like a pillar in more ways than one. It felt good to talk to his dad, to be open with him. Rachel was helpful in her own way, but this was his _dad._ This was his rock.

“I love Blaine, too, you know,” Burt assured him, and Kurt couldn’t help but smile at the admission, sniffling. “He’s a good kid.”

Kurt was pretty sure Blaine was impossible _not_ to love. At the very least, he knew _he_ wasn’t capable of not loving him anymore.

Ever since they’d met on the staircase, Kurt was instantly taken with him. Though the feelings took time to deepen, to shape, they were ever-present, always lurking beneath the surface and keeping him alive.

Loving Blaine was like breathing. 

It took Kurt far too long to understand that. _Too late. He lost._

“Get some rest for now and think about it in the morning,” Burt said softly, breaking the silence that had settled over them. “This is a lot to process.” 

Kurt nodded, pulling back to give his dad a small, meek smile, to show him he was okay.

“I love you, kiddo. Hang in there. I know you guys believe in all that soul stuff like from those movies you like, and if you’re soulmates like you’ve both always said, it’ll happen.” 

Kurt couldn’t help but laugh shakily, wiping away a tear that slipped from his eye. He was still just a silly romantic, and though his dad had never quite understood, he tried, and Kurt appreciated the sentiment more than he could express. 

“I know, Dad. I love you, too.”

Laying restlessly in his bed later that night, Kurt was still processing everything that happened, but his mind just kept falling back to Blaine, kissing Blaine, loving Blaine, Blaine clutching at his face like he’d float away otherwise, just _Blaine_. 

_If you’re soulmates like you’ve both always said, it’ll happen._

Though he didn’t regret kissing Blaine, _could_ never regret something like that, he did know he couldn’t let himself get so carried away with his feelings again. Blaine’s happiness - his _safety_ \- was his priority. 

If that meant being with someone else, Kurt could learn to accept that in time. 

But this felt different. It felt _wrong_. It was getting worse.

_Do something._

It hurt, but he had to fight for Blaine.

He had to save Blaine from losing himself.

The next day, Kurt found himself sitting atop the piano in the choir room as he talked to Rachel about the roller coaster that had been the last 24 hours. Talking to his dad had helped, and after passing out from emotional exhaustion that night, he felt relatively rested, more centered.

He was ready to do something.

“-so then we’re sitting in the not-elevator, and we’re playing the game and I’ve _finally_ managed to get him to let his guard down, but then _he_ came up, so I tried to talk to him again…” Kurt explained, pausing to take a deep breath before continuing. Giving Rachel a play-by-play in a way he hadn’t with his dad was hard, but it felt therapeutic. He could almost feel his brain beginning to pick up the pieces, to put together the puzzle. 

There was still the big mystery of _why,_ of _what_ the elevator-that-wasn’t actually _was._

He was really, _really_ stuck on that part.

For once, Rachel was quiet, listening with rapt attention, and it only drove home how confusing, how _important_ all of it was.

“He was actually _listening_ at first, I could see it in his eyes, but then I-I got heated I guess, and he actually _fought back,_ Rachel, he actually _yelled,_ and then he’s blaming me for leaving and all of a sudden I’m telling him I still love him and then-” Kurt blanched, looking up at Rachel with mixed emotions, unsure of how she’d take it but knowing he had to tell her. He didn’t regret it. He _couldn’t physically regret it._ But he knew he probably should.

Rachel watched him patiently, waiting for him to continue. “And then…?” she finally prompted, voice soft but patient.

Kurt looked down at his lap, voice impossibly small. “I kissed him.” _I kissed him, he kissed me back, he held me, it was so perfect, it was the first time I felt whole since coming back here, it was everything, Blaine was everywhere, Blaine is everything._

Rachel looked at him and gasped. “Oh, _Kurt…_ ” 

Kurt closed his eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath, shaking the kiss out of his mind and soothing the feelings that threatened to overtake him. As constricting and baffling as the fake elevator was, he’d do anything to be back in that bubble again with Blaine.

”Just as we started to make progress, I screwed it all up by kissing him,” Kurt sighed. “And his face after, when he realized… The doors finally opened and he just _ran,_ and he looked so _terrified_ , Rachel. Now I-I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I _can_ do. I feel like I ruined everything all over again.” 

Rachel was quiet again, but differently, this time. Kurt could tell she was thinking, her wheels were spinning, and she was her patented thinking face. He cocked an eyebrow, attempting to brace himself for whatever the hell was about to come out of her mouth. It could be anything. 

_Breathe in for four, hold in for four, breathe out for eight._ He had to give her a chance. 

Soon enough, Rachel let out a dramatic gasp, running up to where he sat on the piano and clapping her hands together excitedly.

“I’ve got it! We’ll have a New Directions reunion with everyone that’s in town! We...We can all do duets! You know Blaine can’t resist an opportunity for a duet.” It was true. Kurt furrowed his brow, watching her carefully. Maybe she was onto something. _Maybe this could work._

“I’m sure he’ll want to sing one with you,” she continued, a wide grin on her face. “Or you can convince him easily enough. I can even assign partners! Then you two can make up and work on being friends again. It’s the power of music, Kurt! It will be perfect, _and_ I’ll get to sharpen my duet skills. It’s the best outcome for you and I!” 

Kurt rolled his eyes playfully, giving her a fond smile. Of course there had to be something in it for Rachel.

“Never miss an opportunity for a performance, huh, Rachel?” 

She faked offense, slapping his arm.

“You and I both know that me getting to perform was not my _sole_ intention for this performance, though it certainly is an added bonus,” she retorted, straightening her posture in an air of confidence. “So, what do you think? Shall we hold an impromptu New Directions reunion to mask Operation Damage Control?” 

Kurt rolled his eyes at her again, barking out a laugh, then took a moment to genuinely mull it over. It wasn’t the worst idea she had ever had. It was technically feasible, but still risky. Would Blaine even show up? 

Would Blaine even give him a chance?

_Did he deserve one?_

In the end, Kurt decided to throw caution to the wind. He had no other ideas, no other reasons to see Blaine soon, and he couldn’t rely on just running into him again, as inevitable as that was beginning to seem.

“That... actually sounds really fun, Rachel,” he agreed with a smile, throwing her a bone. “If we start planning, I think it would be great to see everyone, anyways.” 

And so, with a couple hours of _very_ thorough planning later _(every event is an opportunity to impress, Kurt, you know that)_ , text invitations were sent, and it was settled. They would have a party the coming weekend at Rachel’s dads’ house, and there would be duets with pairings that Rachel would decide. 

Considering Rachel was infamously overbearing, if not controlling, _particularly_ with her parties, no one would question a thing about it.

Although Kurt was still nervous, he was tentatively optimistic that he could fix this, that he could get back the easiness, the openness, the _Blaine_ that he had experienced in the fake elevator. They could be friends again. _Were they ever?_

He’d set his feelings aside, he’d force himself not to forget he loved Blaine, but channel it into what Blaine needed it to be. _He could do this._

He just hoped Blaine would be able to come.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you as always for your support!! the response to this has been amazing!
> 
> hold on tight...

Kurt Hummel was nothing if not a planner. 

His outfits were planned weeks in advance, dream wedding planned since he was old enough to storyboard, and he prided himself on his ability to work under pressure. 

Even he knew there was no possible way to plan how the party would go. How things with _Blaine_ would go.

After the elevator, Kurt was all too aware of just how much was out of his hands. 

In the past few months, he had _also_ become fully aware of his anxious tendencies to fixate on what he did have power over, and the urge to _do,_ to _plan,_ to _control_ was running high in the days that led up to the party. Though Blaine was a huge question mark - if he even showed at all, - Kurt set his sights on what he _could_ control: perfecting his outfit, helping Rachel with the menu, organizing the karaoke song list and duet partners. 

It didn’t help.

Nothing worked the way it used to, and Kurt was feeling desperate for an anchor, a semblance of normality. 

Though he felt foolish for it, he still held out hope - _trusted,_ even - that Blaine would show up, that they’d find themselves loose, held safe in the bubble of nostalgia, and they’d talk, and they’d laugh, and they’d sing.

And they’d be okay.

All Kurt had to do was breathe, to let go of the need to control, to just _let it happen._

All Blaine had to do was show up.

Whether Kurt was ready or not, the night of the party arrived, and he found himself sitting on the couch in Rachel’s basement, watching but not really listening as she sang her _third_ duet of the night. This wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind when Rachel said they would sing duets, and Blaine hadn’t shown yet. _Would he?_

Kurt was starting to lose hope.

Sure, it was nice to be back with his friends. Various members of the New Directions were scattered around the room, laughing and talking and having fun, and Kurt did feel a little more at home. But he didn’t feel _centered._

He was miserable.

As much as he’d tried to let it go, to stop himself from attempting to control things he couldn’t, it was easier said than done. Especially with Blaine.

As he sat on the couch, waiting, eyes darting to the staircase leading into the basement over and over, Kurt was struck by the realization that he had, in fact, subconsciously planned _exactly_ how he wanted the night to go.

Greet Blaine, then talk to him but don’t smother him. Get him a drink if he wants one, just to loosen him up. Get him smiling again. Sing a duet, something a bit flirty, a little nostalgic, but nothing too over-the-top. 

Then they could talk. Then Kurt could explain himself, and then they could be friends again, _just_ friends, just like they should be. _Yeah, right._

He had tried so hard not to plan it. To relinquish control. To let it _be._ But it was like his body was screaming out for Blaine, and Blaine was _always_ the plan. Ever since they’d met, Blaine was the only part that felt _guaranteed._

And that’s why Kurt had lost him. 

Without Blaine, all of the plans were gone. Kurt was out of control, at wits end, grasping for _anything_ to hold onto. He _needed_ Blaine. Blaine had always made it so clear that he needed Kurt, but _fuck._

Kurt needed Blaine just as badly.

“Is this seat taken?” 

Kurt’s head shot up from where he was staring down in his drink, looking for something he knew he wouldn’t find.

_Blaine._

“Hi!” Kurt blurted, unable to help a grin from spreading across his face. _Blaine was there. Blaine came. He still had a chance._

Blaine offered him a weak smile in return, and Kurt’s face fell slightly at the painful reminder of the reality of it all. Blaine looked so _tired._

“Um. Yes. I mean, no, it’s not taken. Go ahead,” Kurt stammered, scooting over slightly. He tried to ignore the way his heart jumped as Blaine came a bit closer, tried to ignore the twinge of disappointment as Blaine sat down much further away than he should have. 

They were quiet for a long moment, watching as Mercedes took the small stage to perform on her own - at her insistence, of course _(Mercedes Jones doesn’t play by the rules)._

“She’s good, huh?” Kurt murmured, keeping an eye on the stage but leaning over to speak in Blaine’s ear. “She deserved way more solos in high school.”

If Kurt didn’t know any better, he might’ve thought he heard a sharp inhale, a shaky breath coming from beside him. 

He glanced over at Blaine then, trying to gauge where he was at, how difficult it would be to crack him open again, if he even could _. Did he still have a chance?_

Blaine just gave a small nod, carefully avoiding Kurt’s eyes. 

It wasn’t going to be easy.

_Do something._

“So, um. You know, Rachel decided to assign duet partners. Well, except for Mercedes,” he began carefully, still looking at Blaine, silently willing him to look over, too, to see him, to hear him. To give him _something._ “Typical Rachel, huh?”

Blaine let out a soft laugh. “Typical Mercedes, too.”

_A laugh. Progress._

“Well, anyways, um,” Kurt continued, glancing down at his cup of soda. Bite the bullet. Take the leap. _Ask him._ “We don’t have to, I mean. I know things are...the way that they are, but she wants _us_ to sing. Together.” 

Kurt winced at his own phrasing. There _was_ no _them._ There was no _together._ _Not anymore._

“You know Rachel,” he quickly continued, trying to justify it, to make it make sense. _To make him say yes._ “She’s all about performance quality, of course. Even at a party. And she insisted that our voices harmonize best together, and she’s not _wrong,_ but I get it if-”

“Kurt,” Blaine interjected, sounding the most _present_ he had all night. He shook his head, offering Kurt a small smile. _More progress._ “It’s fine, really. Let’s sing together. I...I would like that.”

_He would like that._

Kurt bit his lip to stop his face from lighting up completely, to stop his hopes from lifting. He’d all but given up, but Blaine was _there,_ Blaine _came,_ and Blaine proved yet again that _he was always the plan. He had to be._

“What do you want to sing?” Blaine asked, looking at Kurt with an expression he couldn’t quite put his finger on, though he noted an unmistakable twinkle in his eye. Kurt had known all along, as long as Blaine showed up, the duet was an inevitability. No matter what, Blaine was always ready for a good performance. _Especially_ a duet. 

This was still Blaine, after all. After everything, it was still Blaine.

“Actually, Rachel’s made it into a _mystery karaoke night,”_ Kurt explained dramatically, waving his hands in emphasis. “She’s making everybody draw a song out of a hat. ‘Leaving it up to fate,’ she said. We won’t know until we get up there, which-” He looked over to find Mercedes waving at them, beckoning them to the stage. “-I think is actually right now.” 

A rush of excitement rushed through Kurt at the idea of singing, and- fine, he was always ready for a good performance, too. Coaching the Glee club was incredibly rewarding in its own right, but it made Kurt crave his own time in the spotlight. Sue him.

Caught up in the possibilities of what they might end up singing _(something upbeat? Something emotional? Something flirty, or just fun?)_ , Kurt grabbed Blaine’s hand and pulled him up from the couch without a second thought, tugging him over to the stage in a swift movement.

Kurt bit his lip in concentration as he dug his hand into the bowl for a slip of paper _(get a good one)_ before presenting one to Blaine proudly and opening it for them both to read.

 _American Boy_.

Kurt stared at the paper blankly for a moment, making sense of the words on the paper, of the memories that instantly flooded his mind. 

All he could think about was Blaine putting his reputation on the line during his big showcase, taking a risk, a leap of faith, doing it all for _Kurt_. Trusting Kurt, believing in Kurt, holding Kurt up. _His fiance, his one true love._

Now it was Kurt’s turn to believe in _Blaine._ To hold Blaine up.

 _Leaving it up to fate_ indeed _._

After a long moment, he looked over at Blaine cautiously. He was at a loss for what to expect, in a position that was becoming all too common but never any less scary. _Did he still have a chance?_

Blaine was positively _beaming,_ alight with possibility.

Kurt let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

  
  


When Blaine first received the text from Rachel inviting him to the party, his heart sank. He wanted so _desperately_ to attend, but he knew Sebastian would never let him. 

Blaine had been walking on eggshells at home around Sebastian ever since the night of the elevator-that-wasn’t, and it was taking its toll on him. He was being impossibly careful to keep the peace at home, staying out of the way and unassuming as possible. They hadn’t fought again, but the tension was palpable, and Blaine was waiting for the fallout. It had to be coming.

After the elevator, he knew he deserved it.

He deserved it for being stupid, for being late, for making Sebastian late, for letting Kurt kiss him.

He deserved it because Kurt hadn’t left his mind since, not for a single moment.

_I still love you, you idiot._

He deserved it because he wanted to feel everything he felt in the elevator all over again. He hadn’t truly _felt_ in so long, let alone like _that,_ and it was like he was in constant craving of more. 

The elevator was like a bubble, shielded from reality. _Was it even possible to feel like that again?_

If he could just get to the party, to Kurt, maybe he’d be able to find out. 

Sebastian would never let him.

He couldn’t stop himself from daydreaming, though, from thinking about being surrounded by his friends, being surrounded by _Kurt,_ singing duets… _God,_ what he wouldn’t do to perform again, even only for themselves. What he wouldn’t do to perform with _Kurt._

Daydreaming hurt, but the escape it provided was worth it. Nothing in his real life made sense anymore.

And then Sebastian flew to LA for a business trip. 

And the daydream could be _real._

When the night of the party came, Blaine was incredibly nervous. He changed clothes several times, switching out his bowtie a few more for good measure, and gelled his hair beyond the realm of normality just to have _control_ over something _._ He was running far behind schedule, past the point of fashionably late, and he was a jumbled mix of anxious, excited, and _guilty_ for going at all. _No one had to know._

He was looking forward to seeing all of his friends - at least the ones that were in town, - but when he finally climbed down the stairs into Rachel’s basement, all he could see was _him._

_I still love you, you idiot._

_Of course I do._

_Tell me to stop._

Blaine let out a breath, stepping in to fully immerse himself in the feeling of _what used to be._

He could have tonight. _No one had to know._

Kurt was smiling at him, and Kurt was sitting beside him, then Kurt was grabbing his hand, and now Kurt was standing on stage next to him, _about to sing American Boy._

If Rachel wanted to leave things up to fate, Blaine _knew_ the universe was trying to tell him _something._

He just wasn’t sure what.

As the music started behind them, everything else in the world became secondary. It was just him, just the music, just the adrenaline coursing through his veins, feeling _alive_ for the first time in months. Kurt was there next to him, and he was in _all of it._

As Blaine started to sing, they both danced around the stage enthusiastically, if not slightly sloppily, Blaine felt light and free. 

He _missed_ this feeling. It felt like coming home.

They spun around on the stage in a loose choreography eerily reminiscent of their showcase performance, and Blaine couldn’t help but remember how _strong_ he felt that night.

He had stood up to June, his mentor, to fight for what was right, and it _paid off._ He’d put it all on the line to show everyone _just how much_ he loved Kurt. Loving Kurt was like a tether to the universe, something tangible to prove that he was _real. He existed._

It was worth any risk.

And then it was gone.

But in that moment in Rachel’s basement, singing the song that made him feel strong with the man who made him feel _real,_ Blaine felt capable of anything. 

He felt like _Blaine_ again.

When the song ended, the two of them laughed loudly as their friends enthusiastically cheered and applauded. Kurt hopped out the stage, and offered his hand to Blaine for stability, which Blaine gladly took. _No one had to know._

“That was incredible!” Kurt grinned, positively _glowing_ at Blaine, giddy from their flawless performance. They really did work well together - voices, choreography, all of it. _In every way._

Blaine beamed right back at him, body thrumming with energy in a way he couldn’t contain even if he wanted to. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself, where to go from here, but he knew he had to do _something._

“Do you want to step outside for a minute? Get some air?” Blaine suggested, though it didn’t matter if they were in the basement or outside or anywhere else. All he saw was Kurt.

Moments later, they found themselves on the front porch of Rachel’s house, sitting side by side on the wooden bench swing. The silence settled over them comfortably, the cool breeze swaying the swing gently and providing a soothing contrast to the heat of the energy that thrummed through his veins. 

It wouldn’t have taken much at all for Blaine to daydream, to pretend they were here _together,_ that nothing had ever broken them. That nothing had ever broken _him._

Kurt shifted in his seat. 

“You know, I have to be honest. I’m surprised Sebastian let you come to the party,” Kurt admitted, glancing over at Blaine briefly.

Blaine couldn’t help but wince a little, brought back to reality at the mention of his boyfriend’s name. _He shouldn’t feel like this._

“I didn’t mean it like that, I-” Kurt continued in a rush, and Blaine realized he had spaced out. _Focus. Be present._

“No, I know what you meant, Kurt,” Blaine interjected, giving him a soft, genuine smile. “Truth be told... if he was in town, he wouldn’t have let me come. He’s in LA for a business meeting this week, actually.” He shrugged, looking out across the street. “That’s the only reason I came.” _It’s not. I would’ve found a way to be here regardless. I needed to see you. I can’t stop thinking about the elevator. You’re the real reason._

Blaine felt Kurt’s eyes on him, the intensity of his gaze making him feel like Kurt was trying to get under his skin, to peel back the layers and figure out everything unsaid between them. 

He wanted to let Kurt in more than anything. _He couldn’t. Sebastian._

“Well, I’m glad you came,” Kurt said politely, if not slightly stilted, almost like he was holding back. _What wasn’t he saying?_ “Singing that duet with you, it… It was nice. It reminded me of… Well, you know.” He let out a soft, humorless chuckle, one Blaine instantly recognized as a nervous tic. 

_Do something._

“I know,” Blaine breathed, turning his head to look over at Kurt, breath catching in his throat as they locked eyes. “I remember all of it.” _I remember you. I remember how you made me feel._

“You were brave, you know,” Kurt murmured, looking at him with warm, honest eyes. “At the showcase, back then. You were strong. I was so proud of you.” 

_You made me strong,_ Blaine wanted to say. _You still do. I feel strong right now. I feel strong for the first time since you left me, and that terrifies me._

Words suddenly felt completely inadequate. He needed to _feel. Do something._

“You know, it’s funny,” Kurt continued, musing to himself, clearly none the wiser to the storm going on in Blaine’s mind. “Something can seem so important to you at the time, but then you realize-”

And Blaine was kissing him.

_Blaine._ Blaine was _kissing_ him. _Blaine was kissing him. Again._ Kurt couldn’t make sense of it, couldn’t form a coherent thought even if he wanted to. It was Blaine, Blaine was _everywhere_ again, and it was so _right._ Kurt wasted no time trying to deepen it, instantly craving more _(give me more, make me feel, give me everything),_ but then Blaine was pulling away.

Kurt tried to chase his lips, but he was gone.

“Blaine…” he breathed, eyes fluttering open to find Blaine looking at him in utter horror. _Not again._

“I-I…” Blaine stammered, clearly in shock, and Kurt had to fight every urge telling him to _reach out, comfort him, hold him._ “I don’t know what came over me, I-”

 _“Blaine,”_ Kurt repeated, more emphatically this time. He could practically see him spiraling, beginning to panic, and Kurt slowly reached out a hand to put on his shoulder, to try and ground him.

Blaine jolted at the touch, and Kurt instantly felt like crying. His mind was a mess, his heart was one moment from breaking all over again, and his feelings were so confused, but he pushed it all aside. None of it mattered. _Be there for him. Put Blaine first._

“Listen to me,” Kurt continued softly, carefully. He was freaking out inside, but Blaine seemed to be beyond that point entirely, and Kurt needed to stay calm for him. _Be his rock. You said you’d be there._ “It’s okay. You’re okay. _I’m_ okay.” _Was he okay?_

Blaine just stared at him, body tense, chest heaving, seemingly _waiting_ for something. _What was he waiting for?_

_Fuck._

He was waiting for Kurt to snap.

“It’s alright,” he repeated quietly, voice barely sounding. He carefully moved his hand from Blaine’s shoulder to wrap around him, drawing him into a half-hug and silently hoping against all hope that Blaine wouldn’t pull away. 

He didn’t.

They sat for a long moment, but Blaine wasn’t getting any calmer. Kurt could _feel_ his tension, his energy vibrating out of control, and he rubbed Blaine’s arm carefully, hoping to soothe him.

“Listen to me,” Kurt murmured. “Listen to my voice. We’re just gonna breathe, okay? We’re just gonna breathe. Copy my breathing, alright?”

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

It if worked for Kurt, maybe it would work for Blaine, too.

By the time Blaine’s breathing had steadied and the tension began to fade from his body, Kurt had lost count of the number of deep breaths they’d taken, of how much time may have passed. He was feeling a bit calmer by that point, too, grateful more than anything that Blaine hadn’t bolted again, hadn’t completely lost it. _Not that he would’ve blamed him._

“Do you want to go back inside?” he finally asked softly, tentatively testing the waters of where Blaine was, where _they_ were. “I’m sure they’re not done in there.”

Blaine glanced over at him then, giving him a small smile and shaking his head. “No, I don’t think so,” he admitted, closing his eyes for a moment, pausing. “I...I should probably get going.”

Kurt just rubbed his arm once more in response, a last offering of wordless comfort _(it’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay)_ before getting up from the porch swing, offering his hand to Blaine to take for support. 

Blaine just looked up at him instead, and Kurt felt like he was under a microscope in the best possible way. He’d let Blaine see into his soul if he could. _Please see me._

“What?” Kurt asked softly, voice barely sounding as his hand dropped back down.

“Did you mean it?” Blaine murmured, standing up from the swing, eyes still on him carefully. “Did you mean what you said in the elevator?”

“Every word,” he answered breathlessly, not doubting his answer for a moment. _I still love you. Of course I do. I don’t know how to stop._

For what felt like the millionth time, he watched Blaine walk away.

  
  


Blaine felt like he was in the middle of a hurricane.

His mind was spinning the entire way home, unable to get a grip on what had come over him. He was trying impossibly hard to be happy with Sebastian, to accept that Sebastian was only trying to do what he thought was best for Blaine, but there was always that hesitation, always something holding him back from embracing it. Sebastian was fighting for Blaine, holding onto him so tightly, and Blaine only felt suffocated - _afraid,_ even - instead of loved. _What was wrong with him?_

Kurt had come back to Ohio, come right back into Blaine’s life and made it all so much more _complicated._ He wanted to be mad at Kurt. He wanted to hate him for leaving him, for breaking his heart _again,_ for keeping him from moving on with his life, from moving on with Sebastian, but he just couldn’t. 

In fact, being with Kurt in the elevator and at the party were the only times Blaine felt _right. He shouldn’t feel that way._

If Blaine was living in a hurricane, Kurt was the eye of the storm. 

He was impossibly conflicted by _why_ he’d kissed Kurt, why he _needed_ to so badly, why it felt like _coming home._ Why it didn’t feel that way with Sebastian.

Unlocking the door of their house, Blaine was more than ready to unwind, to try and settle the whirlwind running through his mind. He could take a bubble bath, perhaps even with a glass of wine, and enjoy being truly _alone_ for the first time in what felt like forever.

The last thing he could have expected was Sebastian, watching a film on the television, sitting on the couch. Blaine took a sharp breath in, freezing in the entryway. 

_Dammit._

Sebastian looked over at him, and Blaine instantly shrunk ten sizes under the weight of his gaze. “Hi,” Sebastian said flatly, bitterness evident in his face.

Blaine closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on keeping his breath even. 

Sebastian wasn’t even supposed to be home. He was supposed to be _across the country._ Blaine was supposed to be safe to go out. _Was he ever safe?_

“Hey,” Blaine managed, gulping lightly. _I saw Kurt._ “Y-You’re home early. I thought you weren’t getting back until next weekend?” _I kissed Kurt. I kissed him._

Sebastian rolled his eyes, shrugging as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Change of plans. Can’t a guy come home early to surprise his boyfriend?” 

He stood, coming closer to Blaine, eyes darkening already. Blaine felt himself shrinking as Sebastian towered over him. He avoided Sebastian’s gaze, attempting to win back some of the strength he felt earlier on Rachel’s stage, on the porch swing with Kurt. _Be strong. Be brave again._

“Well, um, welcome home,” he managed, biting his lip slightly. _I kissed Kurt. I kissed him._ “I, uh. I wasn’t expecting you yet, so I don’t really... _have_ anything ready for-”

Sebastian scoffed, cutting Blaine off.

“Yeah,” he mused, voice dripping with sarcasm. “It’s strange.” 

Blaine braced himself as he carefully watched Sebastian pace through the living room, back now turned to him, unsure of what to expect next. Silence was worse than yelling, but the mystery of not seeing the look on Sebastian’s face at all made Blaine’s blood run cold.

“I wasn’t expecting to come home to an empty house,” Sebastian continued. “Especially after my boyfriend and I have had _plenty_ of conversations about the details I _require from him_.” 

Blaine winced at the bite in Sebastian’s tone, taking a deep breath. His body was wracked with guilt, but he didn’t know how to get it out. He couldn’t find the words.

 _I went to a party. Kurt was there. I saw him. I sang with him. I_ kissed _him. He made me feel strong again, and you just make me feel-_

 _No._ He couldn’t say any of it.

“Well? Where were you?” Sebastian questioned, clearly growing irritated at the way Blaine was shutting down. “Why the _hell_ did you think it was okay to not tell me?” 

As Sebastian scrutinized him, Blaine felt the tension rising in the space, restricting him and making his heart race. He stayed silent, though, not trusting his voice quite yet, entirely paralyzed by guilt. _I kissed Kurt. I kissed him. He made me feel strong again._

Sebastian barked out a humorless laugh, shaking his head at Blaine before walking into the kitchen quickly. 

Blaine followed him quietly, knowing better than to think the conversation was over.

“That wasn’t a rhetorical question, _Blaine,”_ Sebastian snapped, and Blaine winced at the way his name sounded so foreign, so _wrong_ in his mouth. “I expect an answer.” 

Sebastian poured himself a glass of juice and slammed the refrigerator door shut.  
  
Blaine took a shaky breath, knowing that prolonging the inevitable would only make it worse. “There was a New Directions party at Rachel’s house,” he began quietly, willing himself to stand up tall and not cower against the wall. “I only found out about it a few days before. That’s why you didn’t know before you left to go to LA.” _I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you wouldn’t let me go._  
  
Sebastian rolled his eyes once again. “There’s such a thing as _texting,_ Blaine. You could have let me know. _Easily.”_

Blaine took a deep breath, attempting to calm the storm raging in his mind. All he could think about was _Kurt,_ the duet and the kiss and his smile and the feeling of being _himself_ again, of being alive, of feeling _capable._

“You wouldn’t have let me go,” he blurted out, locking eyes with Sebastian for a moment. _Be strong again._ “I...I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to see them. I just knew if I had told you about it...you would have told me to stay home.” Blaine looked down at his hands then, startled at the flash of _something_ in Sebastian’s eyes.

After a long moment of quiet, Sebastian cleared his throat, and Blaine automatically snapped his head up. Sebastian’s eyes were completely dark now, and Blaine felt ready to shy away, to give up, to give in. _Don’t._

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” Sebastian said slowly, seeing right through him. _Of course he did._ “Drop the act and _tell_ me, Blaine.” 

Blaine felt his eyes start to fill with tears but refused to let them fall, taking a deep breath. 

“I sang a duet with Kurt,” he admitted. “It was Rachel’s idea.” _Then I kissed him. We kissed. I felt so strong._

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at him, waiting for more. _How did he know there was more?_

Blaine froze, staring at Sebastian as he searched desperately for the words to admit it. To admit what _really_ happened. _Maybe he already knew. Sebastian could see right through him._

Sebastian chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. 

“Huh. Figures,” Sebastian mused, raising an eyebrow carefully. “Tell me one thing, _Blaine._ Did he kiss you? Or did you kiss him?”

Blaine just stared, gaping at him silently.

“Of course. Of fucking _course!”_ Sebastian snapped, slamming his glass down on the counter. Blaine jolted at the sound, heart instantly racing.

_Shit._

He was angry again. It wasn’t the yelling angry, or the wrist-yanking angry, but the angry that Blaine hated more than anything. The memory of being backed into the corner - _waiting for the hit that never came -_ flooded his mind, and he could feel his back starting to press against that imaginary wall again. Blaine felt the fear coursing through his body as he kept his head down, staring at the countertop. 

“Blaine,” Sebastian began, sounding as if he were speaking to a child. “When I said I was going to work on this relationship, I wasn’t intending on doing it alone. This has to be _both_ of us. I am _sick and tired_ of this!” 

“Seb…” Blaine started, completely unsure of how to put into words the guilt that he felt. Sebastian was _trying. He was._ And Blaine kept falling back into _Kurt. Kurt who made him, strong, Kurt who made him feel alive, Kurt who-_

_Stop._

_“No,_ Blaine,” Sebastian snapped. “You don’t understand. I do so much shit for you. I fought- I fought for _years_ to be able to call you mine. I work day, after day, after _fucking day_ to provide for you. I do everything I can to make you happy.” 

_Happy._ The word sounded foreign to his ears. Was this what happiness was supposed to look like? The only thing he felt right now was fear as he struggled in his internal battle to not give in, to stay strong.

“I have given up _so much_ for you,” Sebastian shouted. “And you just- you _stand_ here, acting like an ungrateful _brat!”_

Sebastian’s face was red from the screaming, and Blaine found himself backed against the wall now, palms pressed against it, slightly shrunken in on himself. _No._ Blaine wasn’t going to take this. _He used to be brave. He could be strong again._

He straightened his back.

_Do something._

“You think you’ve given up so much? Sebastian, I have given up my entire _life_ to be with you,” Blaine bit back, and it was like a dam burst. Everything spilled out, and Blaine felt out of control of his body, out of control of the words that were coming out of his mouth, but somehow firmly _grounded_ for the first time in so long. “I gave up _everything_! When we had dinner with Nick and Jeff, that was the first time I had seen any of my friends in _two months!_ I haven’t performed for fun for myself in so long, I haven’t done _anything_ for me! I haven’t gone boxing, because _you_ would rather I do fucking CrossFit! Hell, I haven’t even been able to choose what _I eat!_ ” 

Blaine was breathing heavily now, heart racing and eyes wide. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, but he knew he couldn’t back down. _Not now._

Sebastian glared at him, eyes shooting daggers. 

“Blaine, you’re being so ungrateful!” he shouted. “Think about everything I have done for you! All for you and _your_ damn happiness. I have given you _so much,_ and I deserve to be paid back in a way that isn’t you _kissing_ your fucking _side piece!”_

Though Blaine was beginning to cower back into the wall again, beginning to allow Sebastian’s rant to get to him, a wave of red-hot anger flashed through him at the end of it and gave him a new resolve.

He still regretted freezing up at Between the Sheets, not standing up for Kurt the way he deserved. Even after everything, he felt the innate need to stick up for Kurt, and he was still kicking himself for letting Sebastian talk about Kurt the way he did.

Now was his chance. _Kurt made you feel strong. Do something about it._

“The only things that you have _given_ me are bruises on my wrist from _yanking_ me so hard and self-confidence issues from the constant degradation!” Blaine yelled, stepping up from the wall and ending up nearly in Sebastian’s face. He could practically feel the adrenaline running through him as he stood up to Sebastian. He finally felt _strong._

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed, voice going low in a way that sent a chill down Blaine’s spin. “I have been _nothing_ but good to you Blaine. You do _not_ get to talk to me like that!”

Blaine was livid now. Was he going insane? Or were his eyes finally opening up to what had been going on all along? 

He took another step, the thrumming energy in his body propelling him forward. _“Says who_ Sebastian? Who says _you_ get to decide how I talk to-”

_Smack._

Time froze.

Suddenly Blaine was fully unaware of his surroundings, of the context of the situation, of anything but the pounding in his chest echoing in his ears. It could’ve been seconds, minutes, hours, even that they stood there staring at each other. His only ties to reality were his back pressed against the wall, the stinging in his face, and Sebastian’s hand still raised in the air, red and slightly shaking, but still steady. 

As his brain started to catch up to where he was, a new wave of shock and fear flooded through him all at once. 

_Sebastian had hit him._

Nick, Jeff, _Kurt_ … they had all been right. 

How had Blaine not seen it? How had Blaine ignored the signs that had always been there?

_Remember what we said, Blaine. You’re not alone in this. You don’t have to stay with him._

_I feel like Sebastian has this hold over you._

_Blaine, how much of your life do you control?_

_Can’t you see what he’s doing to you?_

Blaine had been ignoring it all. His friends had tried to help, _Kurt_ had tried to help, but he pushed them all away.

He had wanted a distraction so badly, he put himself in danger. 

_They were right._

Sebastian lowered his hand and backed away from Blaine. “I…I-” he started, but Blaine just pushed his way past Sebastian in a flurry, running upstairs to their bedroom.

His face stung worse now, and he could feel tears starting to drop down his face. He didn’t know what had just happened or what would happen next. He just knew he _had to run._ He had to get out of there. 

As he threw random pieces of clothing into a bag, he wondered if he should even be packing at all - _run, just run, get out, -_ but he felt out of control of his body. He could hear Sebastian pleading near him, but he couldn’t focus on them enough to decipher what he was actually saying. _Run. Get out. Packing doesn’t matter. Just go._

In one swift motion, he fled down the stairs and grabbed his keys before bolting outside towards his car. His heart was pounding, and he could barely breathe, but he couldn’t stop. _Get out. Just go._

He sunk into the car with a shaky breath and began backing out of the driveway, though he was startled by his reflection as in the rearview mirror. He was struck by the unmistakable red mark on his face, still stinging, still pulsing, combined with the streaks of tears that were nowhere near close to drying. 

As he sped off, his brain was on autopilot, and he was completely unaware of where he was going, if he was following the speed limit, if he was stopping at red lights, any of it. _Just go._

Before he knew it he was standing on the front porch of the house, bag in hand, chest heaving.

He knocked on the door.

Moments passed as he waited, unable to breathe, suffocating under the weight of everything that had just happened. _Please answer. Please open the door. Please let me in._

Finally, the door swung open, and Blaine ignored the gasp that he heard. 

He took a shaky breath. 

“Hey.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit of a shorter one, but it's heavy and really important for their journey.
> 
> we always love your comments!!

“Buddy, who’s at the door this late?”

Kurt almost couldn’t comprehend what he was looking at.

It was _Blaine,_ he logically knew. But the broken boy before him, the tears tracking down his cheeks, the unmistakable red mark on his face, the startling mix of desperate pleading and resignation in his eyes - it didn’t make sense. It didn’t add up.

“Kurt?” his dad asked again before appearing beside him, but Kurt barely noticed he was there. “Oh, geez- Blaine. Kid, are you alright?”

“He hit me,” Blaine choked out weakly, and Kurt’s blood ran cold, instantly shaking him out of his paralysis. 

_It happened._

It was Kurt’s worst fear for Blaine, something he had hardly let himself consider because _surely not, surely not Sebastian, surely not Blaine._

But it happened. Sebastian _hit Blaine._

And Blaine came to _Kurt._

It took everything in him not to lunge at Blaine for a hug and never let go _(you’re safe, I’ll keep you safe, I’ll never leave you again),_ but Kurt knew it wouldn’t help. Not really.

“C-Come in. Come in, we’ll-” Kurt began, but there was nothing to say. 

He’d told Blaine he could always come to him, and he meant it. 

Now Blaine was here, and the look on his face rattled Kurt to his bones, and he just had no idea what to _do._

Kurt let out a deep, shaky breath, closing his eyes for a moment as his dad stepped in, carefully bringing Blaine inside and over to the couch. 

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

_Don’t shut down. Be present. Put Blaine first._

He could do this.

The next few minutes passed in a blur. Kurt’s dad sent him to get Blaine a glass of water, and then Carole was there with an ice pack, and then Burt was wrapping a blanket around him, and Blaine was just _sitting_ there on the couch through all of it, staring straight ahead.

And then he spoke.

“I’m so sorry for coming here,” he choked out, drawing in a shaky, stuttered breath, and Kurt’s heart broke into a thousand pieces.

“Hey,” he murmured, kneeling at the floor by Blaine’s feet and reaching up to put his hand gently on his knee, almost more to comfort himself than anything, to reassure himself that Blaine was _there,_ that Blaine was _safe._ “I told you. You can _always_ come to me.” He glanced at his dad, at Carole, who were looking at Blaine sympathetically. “You can come to any of us.”

Blaine just sniffled, finally moving to lock eyes with Kurt for the first time, and Kurt’s breath caught in his throat. Blaine looked so lost, so unsure, so _broken._

Kurt suddenly felt like there was a crowd of a hundred people in the room.

“Could you give us a minute?” he asked his parents softly, waiting until they left the room before getting up to sit next to Blaine on the couch, not too close but not particularly far, trying to show Blaine he was _there,_ there for whatever Blaine needed, but that he wouldn’t push for anything more. _Never again._

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Kurt prodded gently, looking at him carefully. Every part of him was screaming out to touch Blaine, to hold him, to just _make it all go away,_ but he had to let Blaine move first. He’d never seen Blaine - never seen _anyone_ \- like this, and it terrified him.

Kurt waited patiently for Blaine to speak, to show some sign of acknowledgement, but there was nothing. He was still as a statue, and Kurt was desperately searching for a way to calm him, to relax him, when he noticed the trembling in Blaine’s arm as he held the ice pack up to his face.

Moving impossibly slowly, Kurt reached up to gently ease the ice pack from Blaine’s hand, wincing at the sight of his reddened cheek. He carefully rewrapped the wash cloth around the ice pack before tenderly pressing it to Blaine’s face again, closely monitoring his reaction. _Please let me in. Please let me touch you. Please be okay._

Blaine’s eyes just fluttered closed, and Kurt let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I’ve got you,” he murmured. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ve got you.” _Now, always, fearlessly and forever, in any way you need me. I’m not letting you go again._

And Kurt waited.

After what felt like an eternity, Blaine’s soft, broken voice finally broke the silence that covered them, held them, protected them from the outside world.

“It was my fault.”

Kurt inhaled sharply, instantly opening his mouth to correct Blaine, to reassure him, to tell him _exactly_ whose fault it was, but he stopped himself. _No._ It wasn’t what Blaine needed. _Let him talk._

He shifted the ice pack against Blaine’s face gently in an attempt to silently communicate his support, to leave him room to move at his own pace. _I’m here. You’re here. You’re safe._

“I came home from the party, and he was there,” he continued softly, shaking his head a little. “He...He came home early to surprise me, I guess, and I- I had snuck out. To Rachel’s party. He didn’t know I was going.”

 _Snuck out._ Kurt winced. It was if Blaine was a child, disobeying his parents’ wishes, instead of the independent adult that he should be, that he used to be, that he _deserved_ to be again. 

“I guess after we- after what happened at the party, I was...off. He started accusing me of things, and I...I had to admit it. I had to tell him that we- that I kissed you. And that just _really_ pissed him off.”

 _Shit._ There it was.

Kurt couldn’t breathe again.

“I...I don’t know what got into me,” Blaine mumbled, shaking his head a little. “But I fought back. He was yelling at me, telling me how- how _selfish_ I am, but I didn’t shut down. I yelled back. I don’t know what it was, but something in me just...snapped. I felt brave. Maybe it was because of...” he paused, and Kurt’s eyes widened. Blaine felt _brave._ He felt strong enough to stand up for himself. But because of what? _Because of their kiss? Because of Kurt?_

“Because of...performing again, maybe,” Blaine finished lamely, shaking his head a little.

 _Right._ That made sense. 

Kurt swallowed stiffly, attempting to mask the irrational disappointment he felt at that. He didn’t _deserve_ to make Blaine strong anymore. He _left_ Blaine. None of this would have happened if Kurt had never run away.

He shook his head, pulling himself out as he threatened to spiral. _Not now._ Blaine _was_ there now, and Blaine needed him. _Put him first._

“I was out of line,” Blaine whispered brokenly. “I _know_ that. I was. He- he was saying how much he does for me, and it’s true. I just felt so _suffocated_ all the sudden, so _angry._ We were just- Just _yelling,_ and then that was it. He hit me.”

Kurt physically cringed at that, reacting as if it were the first time he’d heard it, as if _he_ were the one being hit. It just didn’t feel _real._ It didn’t feel possible. This was _Blaine._

_Fuck._

He removed the ice pack from Blaine’s face then, not wanting to numb his skin entirely, but also silently willing him to look over at Kurt, to _do_ something. Kurt needed to truly touch Blaine _so badly,_ craving physical contact to ground himself, to ground _Blaine,_ to connect the two of them and bind them together again. But it had to be because _Blaine_ needed it. _Put him first._

Instead, he rested his hand on the couch in the space between them, palm up, open and inviting. _Just in case._

Blaine was quiet for a long moment, looking down at his lap. Kurt wasn’t sure if he was done speaking, if he wanted _Kurt_ to say something, if he should go get his parents, if he should do _something,_ but then Blaine spoke again.

“I don’t regret standing up to him,” he whispered, so quietly Kurt wasn’t sure if he’d even heard Blaine correctly at first, if he’d even spoken at all. “After… After he hit me, I just- I realized. It was wrong, you know, _all_ of it was. You were right.”

Under normal circumstances, being told he was right all along was one of Kurt’s secret joys. He prided himself on the strength of his opinions and beliefs - popular or not, - and hearing someone admit he was _right_ was usually music to his ears.

Not this time.

This time, it completely broke his heart, as if it weren’t shattered already.

And then Blaine reached out, slowly but surely, tentatively sliding his palm along Kurt’s and lacing their fingers together.

No single touch had ever felt more _sacred._

Kurt made sure to keep his grasp loose, to not overwhelm him, but inside, he was holding onto Blaine like a lifeline. 

“It doesn’t matter who was right,” Kurt murmured finally, speaking for the first time since Blaine had begun telling what had happened. “It only matters that you’re here now. You’re safe.”

Blaine let out a choked sob at that, and Kurt startled in fear, terrified he’d said something wrong. _Shit._

Then Blaine squeezed his hand, gripping as if he’d drift away otherwise, and Kurt knew he hadn’t said anything wrong at all.

They were quiet for a long moment, and Kurt took the time to focus on his breathing, rubbing his thumb against Blaine’s knuckles in time, a silent encouraging him to do the same.

He was just sinking into the feeling of safety, the feeling of _being,_ when his dad and Carole tentatively came back into the living room, pulling him back into reality.

“You boys okay in here?” 

Kurt glanced briefly at Blaine, who met his eyes and offered him the tiniest hint of a smile, almost undetectable if Kurt weren’t searching it out, searching desperately for some sort of sign. _There it was._

“I think we will be,” Kurt answered softly, more to Blaine than anything else. _You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, too. I believe in you, and I believe in us._

“Blaine, honey, I changed the sheets in the guest room,” Carole began, giving him a kind smile as she perched on the arm of the recliner nearby. “There’s clean towels, too. You should be all set.”

“I-I couldn’t,” Blaine said quickly, shaking his head and looking up at Carole. “I couldn’t impose.”

“You _can,_ and you will,” Burt interjected, firm but with all heart. “It’s not up for debate.”

Kurt had always adored his dad’s soft spot for Blaine, and this time was no different. A wave of relief washed over him; without needing to talk about it, his whole family was on the same page. Blaine was their family, too, and they _all_ wanted to be there for him.

He gave Blaine’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“You’ll stay as long as you need to,” he said softly. _Please stay. Just stay with me. Stay forever._

Blaine took a deep, stuttering breath.

“Okay.”

  
  


After getting Blaine settled in the guest room, laying him out some of his own pajamas and a toothbrush and directing him to the bathroom and the towels and everything he could possibly need in a flurry of motion - until Blaine kindly prodded him to leave _(I remember where everything is, Kurt, it’s okay),_ to which Kurt let out a nervous bubble of inappropriate laughter - he headed back downstairs, far too wound up to sleep.

“Hey,” Carole greeted him softly as he walked into the kitchen, swiftly handing him a cup of warm milk. He accepted the mug gratefully before sinking into the chair at the kitchen table across from his dad, letting out a deep, shaky sigh.

“What the hell happened, kid?” Burt asked carefully, clearly holding back the anger that threatened to brew at the idea of someone hurting _one of his boys._ “Is he alright?”

“I, uh- I don’t really know,” Kurt managed, head spinning as he looked down into his mug. “I think- I _hope_ he will be. I’ve...I’ve never seen him like that.”

“Bud, I don’t think I’ve seen _anyone_ like that.” Burt shook his head, heaving a sigh. “That Sebastian guy really did a number on him.” 

“Yeah, that’s an understatement,” Kurt muttered, staring into the warm milk in his cup desperately as his heart raced, still reeling from everything that had just happened.

He couldn’t help but feel _responsible._ If he hadn’t left Blaine, if he’d been more open, more communicative, more aware of Blaine’s needs, surely they’d still be together. They’d be in New York, _married,_ by that point, and they’d be happier, and they’d have each other, and they’d be _safe._ Sebastian would be but a distant memory, his name all but a faint reminder of some of their earliest trials as a couple. But instead-

“Kurt. Look at me,” his dad urged, snapping him out of his thoughts. He did look up then, only to find his dad’s eyes staring at him intently.

“Blaine clearly needs help,” he continued. “Kid, I know you’re...I know you love him, but that might be the problem here. You _love_ him. Are you sure you can help him through this, considering your feelings? He’s not going to be-”

“That’s exactly why I have to,” Kurt interjected, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I love him. I _always_ have, but I forgot that somewhere along the way, and I left. It’s my biggest regret. _I started this,_ Dad. The least I can do is try to help fix it.”

“Honey, it’s not your fault,” Carole said as she took a seat next to Burt, setting a plate of cookies on the table. “You have to know that. You can’t blame yourself.”

He shook his head, looking back down at the table. It felt impossible _not_ to blame himself. It was like he’d launched Blaine on a trajectory of destruction.

“Your dad and I talked while you were getting Blaine settled,” she continued, giving him a soft smile. “Blaine’s more than welcome to stay as long as he needs to. But you need to _talk_ about it with him, Kurt. If he stays, it has to be okay for both of you. We need you to take care of yourself, too.”

 _Of course Blaine would stay,_ his instincts screamed out. _Never let him go again._

But he knew his parents were right. He wanted - no, _needed -_ Blaine to be in his life, friends or otherwise, and in order to make it work, they _both_ needed to heal properly. These were decisions they needed to make _together._

“Okay,” Kurt sighed out, taking a moment to sip from his mug and reveling in the way the milk warmed his chest on the way down. “You’re right, I’ll- we’ll talk.”

“You mean the world to him, kid. You always have,” his dad said, biting into a cookie. Kurt resisted the urge to berate him - _your health, Dad, -_ but he shook it off. _One cookie doesn’t matter anymore. Let him have this._ “I don’t think that’s changed. He came here, after all. Kid went through the unthinkable, and he came to you.”

It would’ve been a compliment if he could shake the incredible guilt he felt for the fact that any of them were in this situation in the first place. _It was all his fault._

“He means the world to me, too,” Kurt murmured, taking a deep, calming breath before looking at his dad and Carole across from him. “Thank you guys. I know this is a lot.”

Carole reached out to put her hand over his on the table, giving it a squeeze. “Blaine’s important to us, too, honey. You know that.”

Kurt offered them both a genuine smile, feeling slightly more settled than earlier in the night, though he knew his thoughts were a long way from fully processed. After draining the last of the contents of his mug, he gave Carole’s hand one last squeeze before getting up.

“I think I’m going to get to bed,” he said softly, walking around the table to give them both hugs. “I don’t want Blaine to be upstairs by himself for too long.”

“We love you, kid,” his dad said gruffly, patting his back. “And we’re here for you, too. Both of you.”

It wasn’t until Blaine was laying in bed in the Hummels’ guest room that the reality of what had happened began to really sink in.

A flurry of what-ifs flooded his mind, all pointing their finger at himself - it was _his_ fault, that was all he knew.

What if he’d been more patient? What if he’d kept his distance from Kurt? What if he put more effort into making Sebastian happy and not thinking about himself? What if he’d stayed quiet?

What if he’d fought harder for Kurt in the first place, that rainy night in their favorite restaurant in New York?

Would all roads lead him to screwing everything up?

Would all roads lead to him breaking entirely?

Growing up with absent parents hadn’t broken him. Getting assaulted the night of his Sadie Hawkins’ Dance hadn’t broken him. Losing Kurt not once, but twice, had come pretty damn close, but he had made it - or so he thought.

But _this._

The darkness in the room was closing in on him, and Blaine had never felt so alone.

He was vaguely aware that he was crying, that the noises filling the room were coming from him, but he had no concept of whether he was being loud. He couldn’t control it. Everything that had built up in him for weeks - no, _longer -_ was coming out, and he was powerless to stop it.

There was a soft knock on the door, but Blaine couldn’t react.

It came again, followed by a soft, barely audible voice.

“Blaine?” 

_“Kurt,”_ he choked out, and then the door was open, and Kurt was _there,_ and Blaine was reaching out in the dark to find him, but he couldn’t. _Where was he? Was he even real? Was he dreaming?_

He searched frantically, and from the dim light in the hall, Blaine could make out Kurt’s silhouette approaching him slowly, taking a careful seat on the bed.

 _“Blaine,”_ Kurt breathed out, reaching out to put his hand on Blaine’s upper back and finally, _finally_ he was there, it was _Kurt,_ Kurt was there touching him, and he was _real._

“Blaine, you have to breathe, okay?” Kurt continued, urging him softly with a shaky voice. “Tell me what you need. I can’t know until you tell-”

 _“You,”_ Blaine choked out, gasping a shaky breath. “I just- please. I just need you, Kurt. I need, I just- I-” He had no idea what he needed. He couldn’t think of anything but _Kurt._

“I’m here,” Kurt murmured softly. “I’m here.”

Then the hand was gone, and Kurt was getting up, and Blaine couldn’t help the absolute _whimper_ that escaped him. In an instant, the hand was back, and Kurt’s voice was all around him, and Blaine let out a shaky sigh.

“No, honey, hey,” Kurt murmured hastily, and Blaine could feel the bed shifting under the return of Kurt’s weight. “I’m just getting in the bed. I’m just pulling back the covers, alright? See, here. Here I am. I’m here.”

And he was. Kurt was _there,_ though a careful distance away, and Blaine could feel the warmth from his body. It helped, but it wasn’t enough.

“Please, just- Please,” he broke out in a whisper, not entirely sure of what he was asking for, only knowing he needed _more,_ needed something to ground him, to tether him to the Earth before he spiraled entirely. _If he hadn’t already._

“Please what, honey? Blaine, you need to tell me. I don’t-” Kurt paused, taking another shaky breath. “I don’t want to do something that will make it worse.”

Blaine drew in a careful breath, attempting to calm himself. “You couldn’t make it worse, I just- Please hold me. _Please,_ I need you to-”

Before Blaine could finish getting the words out, Kurt was there, arms wrapped around him, drawing Blaine into his chest. He was _finally there,_ he was _everywhere,_ and Blaine was completely wrapped up in him. 

For once, he felt small in a way that didn’t terrify him.

He felt small in a way that felt _safe._

“Thank you,” he whispered into Kurt’s chest before inhaling deeply, a long, shaky breath that settled in his bones. 

“Shhh,” Kurt soothed, one hand rubbing small circles into Blaine’s back and the other stroking through his hair, clearly still so familiar with his body and all of the spots that calmed him the most. It felt so familiar in the best way, and slowly but surely, the tension seeped out of him.

 _“Kurt,_ I-” Blaine began after a long moment, but Kurt cut him off.

“No, it’s okay,” he murmured, voice so soft and sweet and _understanding_ that Blaine wanted to cry all over again if he weren’t already so drained. The irony didn’t escape him that the person that was comforting him was one of the ones that had hurt him the most - _left_ him, just like the rest - but for the moment, Blaine didn’t care. He was too desperate for relief from the hell he’d found himself living in. 

And this was the best relief there was.

“Just sleep, alright? We’ll talk tomorrow,” Kurt whispered into his hair softly. “I know you’re exhausted, Blaine, I can _feel_ it.”

It wasn’t until then that Blaine realized Kurt was right - of _course_ he was right. Between the party, the fight, and the aftermath, Blaine could believe he’d gotten through it all in one night. He had nothing left.

Finally letting go, Blaine lost himself in Kurt’s _everything -_ his arms, his voice, his _smell,_ even. Kurt was _everywhere._

And if Kurt was everywhere, he couldn’t help but feel that maybe he wasn’t in hell after all.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you as always for the awesome comments!

The next few weeks passed in a haze.

Blaine knew he called into Dalton to request a temporary leave of absence, though he couldn’t remember the conversation itself. He vaguely remembered going with Burt to his - no,  _ Sebastian’s -  _ house to recover his things, though he didn’t remember packing or even  _ caring  _ about his stuff in general. However, he was  _ definitely  _ fully aware of the utter relief he felt when the trip went by with no sight of Sebastian at all. 

Other than that, his new routine was rather... uneventful. 

Things felt okay during the day.  _ Manageable,  _ at least. 

There were quiet family dinners every night with the Hummels, a few awkward-but-well-meaning phone calls with Cooper, brief texts with friends, and a couple introductory sessions with different therapists that didn’t quite fit right. He was there for all of it, of course, and though he didn’t feel  _ present,  _ at least it all felt doable.

Kurt was there for all of it, too, a quiet, yet steadfast presence. They hadn’t really talked yet, not _the Capital-T Talk_ that Blaine knew they _both_ needed but that he was nowhere near ready for. Kurt had tried, prodding him gently more than once, but Blaine just _couldn’t._ He couldn’t wrap his mind around establishing boundaries and _feelings_ and everything else, not when the air around him felt thick and food tasted like dust and he could barely recognize his reflection in the mirror, anyway.

So during the day, Blaine was just going through the motions, and he had a feeling Kurt was, too.

But then night would come, and the memories and feelings and  _ guilt  _ tearing at his chest would come right along with it. And just like clockwork, he and Kurt would fall into each other, and Kurt would shelter him from the storm that raged in his mind amongst the darkness.

Night after night, he found his way back into Kurt’s arms. After that first night, it became an unspoken agreement to sleep together, curled up in one another, temporarily slipping into their little bubble and pushing out reality completely.

Logically, Blaine knew it wasn’t  _ actually  _ helping. Three weeks had passed, and he was no closer to understanding his feelings, no closer to understanding what happened that night or why, no closer to understanding  _ what’s next.  _ He was far from figuring out how to begin healing from everything that happened with Sebastian, let alone approaching what it all meant with  _ Kurt. _

The idea of figuring all of it out, confronting his fears, and facing his insecurities and his  _ demons  _ was terrifying.

So instead, Blaine fell asleep tucked into Kurt, immersing himself in blissful ignorance and shutting out the confusion, forgetting the boundaries that should have been present. Night after night, day after day, he fell into Kurt’s arms, Kurt’s _warmth_ and his _safety,_ and at first, it worked. It may have just been a band-aid, but it was a heavy duty one. 

But then the adhesive began to wear off, and it was starting to make him more and more confused about just  _ how comforting  _ it was to be held by Kurt, why Kurt still felt like home  _ after everything.  _

It would be  _ so easy _ just to fall into Kurt again completely - and  _ god,  _ he was tempted to, - but the idea of that terrified him, too.

Kurt had left him before. Even though he had come back, who was to say he wouldn’t leave again? If Blaine fell into Kurt, wouldn’t it fall apart all over again, just like it had twice before? Just like it had with Sebastian? 

Every time he so much as allowed himself to think about it, the never-ending stream of thoughts filled his mind and overwhelmed him completely. So the easiest thing to do was just  _ be.  _ Anything else felt too ominous, too unsettling. Too  _ unstable.  _ For now, Blaine needed to hold onto stability wherever he could find it. 

Everything scared him, really.

But he was tired of being scared.

  
  


Kurt was falling into Blaine again. He  _ knew  _ he was, and he knew he shouldn’t be.

But he felt so powerless to stop it.

He had taken his talk with his dad and Carole to heart. He had decided he and Blaine would talk, and they would establish boundaries according to Blaine’s needs, and they would heal together. 

But Blaine wouldn’t  _ talk  _ to him, so Kurt couldn’t do any of that.

It was like he was a zombie, and the only time he showed any signs of life was when he was nestled against Kurt in the middle of the night, when Kurt could  _ feel  _ the tension slowly seeping out of Blaine’s body. 

Kurt had no idea how to handle it other than to just  _ be there. _

And so he was.

As the days passed, and they spent more nights tangled up in each other, Kurt couldn’t help but  _ hope.  _ Blaine needed to recover from his situation with Sebastian, of course, but maybe things between  _ them  _ were fixed. Blaine had come to  _ him,  _ after all, so maybe it meant Blaine still loved him, too.  _ Needed  _ him, even.

They quickly fell into a routine. Kurt would wake up first, Blaine’s head on his chest or spooned back against him, and Kurt would allow himself  _ just one moment  _ to pretend that everything was fine, and they were together, and they’d never been apart at all, and they would wake up  _ just like this  _ every morning for the rest of their lives.

Just  _ one moment,  _ and then he’d pull himself out of it. He’d remember.

Though Blaine was there with him, it was a far cry from what Kurt had planned when he returned to Lima. They weren’t  _ together.  _ They weren’t  _ reunited,  _ not really. The past few months had been hell, and the memory and pain inevitably washed over him every morning, breaking the spell.

Though remembering hurt, that momentary bliss of pretending was  _ so  _ worth it. In a way, it gave him the courage to get through the day, the motivation to make that daydream become a reality again.  _ Maybe someday. Maybe soon. _

Kurt would gently extract himself from Blaine, and he’d go to the bathroom, and when he got back, Blaine would usually be awake, too. He’d see how Blaine was feeling, make sure he hadn’t had nightmares (which, thankfully, he hadn’t yet - and Kurt couldn’t help but hope he was partially responsible for keeping them away) _ ,  _ and that was that. They’d go downstairs, and Kurt would go to work, and they’d resume an appropriate, platonic distance apart from one another for the day until night inevitably fell and they did it all over again.

It was a far cry from perfect, a far cry from  _ happy,  _ even, but it was _ something. _ It was a delicately balanced, fragile routine, but it worked.

Until it didn’t.

Kurt was pulled out of his sleep one morning by Blaine shifting out of his arms, and he whined sleepily, tugging Blaine back against him out of pure instinct.

“Uh-uh,” he protested groggily. “You stay.”

He hummed contentedly as Blaine burrowed back into him, shifting to tuck his head into Blaine’s neck. If Blaine was a little stiffer, a little less relaxed, Kurt didn’t notice in his half-asleep state.

“You ‘kay, baby?” he mumbled, sighing sleepily. He felt Blaine tense underneath him, and Kurt  _ did  _ wake up then, pulling back slightly to look at him. “What?”

Blaine looked at him strangely, pulling out of his arms to sit up completely. 

“Kurt,” he sighed, shaking his head a little. “I...I’m not sure this is working.”

_ Oh god. _

Kurt’s heart plummeted, eyes widening as he shifted to sit up as well, facing Blaine. He took a shaky breath, trying to keep from panicking.  _ Not again. I can’t lose you again. I just got you back. _

“What… What’s not working?” he asked softly, internally wincing at the sound of fear so evident in his voice. Try as he might to convince himself this blurry, unspoken situation they were in was working fine, he was afraid he already knew the answer.

Blaine took a moment, rubbing his hands over his face, and Kurt could see the wheels in his mind turning, mulling over what he needed to say.  _ Wait for him. Let him talk. _

“I think we both know,” he finally admitted quietly. “This… being near you. It feels good, but- I don’t think it’s helping.”

_ There it was. _

Kurt  _ did  _ know. Blaine was right. 

But Kurt had come back to Ohio so dead-set on getting Blaine back. He’d lived through heartbreak, regret, outright  _ devastation  _ at finding out he’d lost to  _ Sebastian  _ of all people _.  _ He hadn’t thought he’d ever get to have a casual conversation with Blaine again, let alone  _ hold  _ him the way he had the past several nights. 

Selfishly, he was terrified that if he let go again, Blaine would never come back. 

“I know everything was messed up before,” Kurt began, looking down at his lap briefly. “A-And I know it’s a long way from being fixed. But I thought...maybe everything with  _ us  _ was better now, and-”

He paused, looking up at Blaine and shrugging sadly, instantly realizing how naive he sounded.  _ Of course it wasn’t. Everything was still messed up. _

“I don’t know what I thought,” he finished with a sigh. Coming out of his mouth, the words felt so  _ stupid.  _ Why would  _ anything  _ between them be fine now? They hadn’t talked. They hadn’t  _ done  _ anything. 

“I think that’s the problem, though,” Blaine said gently. “I don’t know what you thought either. I don’t know what  _ I  _ thought. We’ve...we’ve barely talked, Kurt, and I know that’s my fault. I’ve barely even let myself  _ think  _ about anything...anything real.”

Kurt let out a shaky breath at Blaine’s admission, shaking his head sadly.  _ Fuck.  _ This  _ really  _ wasn’t working. He had promised his dad and Carole that he and Blaine would talk, but they hadn’t. They weren’t communicating, and Kurt wasn’t sure if they  _ ever  _ had. He wasn’t sure if they really knew how.

“What do you need?” he asked quietly, aching to reach out for Blaine’s hand but stopping himself short. It would’ve been for his own comfort, not to reassure Blaine. He took a deep breath, suddenly struck by the realization that he’d been holding Blaine under the guise of soothing him, sure, but it was just as much for  _ himself,  _ if not more. 

He couldn’t keep  _ taking _ from Blaine.  _ Not like this. _

Blaine shrugged, looking at him sadly. “I...don’t really know. But I think I need the space to figure it out.”

The implication was obvious, and Kurt tried not to feel hurt.

Blaine needed space. Space from  _ him. _

Kurt had no idea what he was doing.

“Okay,” he agreed lamely, voice cracking.  _ Not okay.  _ “Yeah.”  _ No. Please don’t leave me. What if  _ I _ need  _ you?

They sat for a long moment, Blaine playing with the fabric at the bottom of his well-worn Dalton Academy shirt, Kurt just  _ waiting _ , though he wasn’t even sure what he was waiting for.

“I’m scared,” Blaine whispered, and Kurt’s head jerked up to look at him, finding Blaine’s eyes full of raw emotion, more  _ feeling  _ than he’d seen from Blaine in weeks. His heart stuttered in his chest.

“What are you scared of?” he breathed, afraid of the answer.  _ Please don’t say me. Don’t be scared of me. I’ll do anything for you.  _

“I...It would be  _ so easy  _ to lose myself in you, Kurt. I can  _ feel  _ it. We’re so close to doing that again, just blurring all these lines, and it’s  _ scaring  _ me because-” he paused to take a shaky breath, clearly getting worked up, and it took  _ everything  _ in Kurt to stop himself from reaching out, from tugging him close, to  _ make it all go away.  _ “I-I just can’t. I  _ can’t  _ lose myself in you again when I don’t know  _ who I even am.” _

Kurt felt like his heart was breaking all over again. Blaine was so  _ lost,  _ more so than Kurt had even realized. He’d been so  _ blind. _

_ “Blaine,”  _ he breathed out, finally reaching out to place a hand carefully on his knee. He could see Blaine beginning to spiral, but he was opening up more than ever, and  _ shit,  _ it hurt, but it needed to happen. “We’ll figure it out, okay? We- We’ll find you the right therapist, and you’ll go back to Dalton when you’re ready, and those things will help. I promise you, you’re going to get there.”

Blaine tentatively reached out, placing his hand over Kurt’s, and Kurt’s heart skipped a beat at the simple, unexpected touch.

“I appreciate you, Kurt.  _ So  _ much. I just… I think I need to figure it out myself. I need to focus on myself, and- I think I need to move back in with my parents.”

It was the obvious solution.

It was the  _ right  _ solution.

It hurt like  _ hell. _

It meant everything changing. It meant sleeping alone and waking up alone. It meant not keeping an eye on Blaine, not knowing if he was sad, or if he was crying, or if he was eating properly, or if he’d finally found a reason to smile. It meant not  _ being there. _

It felt a whole lot like losing Blaine all over again. 

Kurt choked back a familiar lump in his throat, mentally cursing at himself.  _ Stop. Put Blaine first. _

“Okay,” Kurt said brokenly, silently willing the tears to stop from welling in his eyes. He felt so _stupid_ for being upset. This was the right solution. _So why did it hurt so damn much?_

“Whatever you need,” he finished, managing to give Blaine a tiny, sad smile. _Please still need me._ “I’m here for anything.” _I need you to need me._ _I need you, too._

He should’ve been proud of Blaine, and a part of him truly was. Blaine was talking, he was vocalizing his needs, and he felt comfortable enough to do it. 

But try as he might to put Blaine first, to put his own feelings aside, to do things because  _ Blaine  _ needed them to be done, Kurt wasn’t fooling anyone, not even himself. His feelings were very much still there, and it just wasn’t possible to make them go away entirely.

He didn’t want to let Blaine go. He  _ couldn’t.  _

But he had to.

  
  


Blaine wasn’t sure if moving back in with his parents felt more like a step forward or a step back.

Leaving Kurt -  _ no, not leaving, just taking space -  _ had been impossibly hard, but he knew he needed to do it. He needed the room to find  _ himself  _ again, if he’d ever even known himself in the first place. But his parents were absent as ever, never home, never knowing anything about him, never caring enough to ask, and Blaine felt so  _ alone. _

At the same time, the space helped. He went back to work at Dalton, finding himself a little more inspired to expand their repertoire. He found a therapist that he got along well with, and he attended sessions every week, talking about Kurt just as much as he talked about Sebastian, if not more. He was playing piano again - easy, mindless pieces, mostly - which felt  _ good. _

He was making progress.

But he was impossibly lonely.

When he told Kurt he needed space, he hadn’t meant  _ no contact.  _ But he found himself checking his phone all-too frequently over the next weeks, keeping his ringer on even at night, waiting for a text and a call that never came.

_ Why wouldn’t Kurt reach out? _

Blaine hadn’t reached out, either, though. He wasn’t sure how. He’d reached for the phone countless times, opening up Kurt’s contact, but the fear of rejection paralyzed him every time.

He wasn’t sure why he even wanted to. He didn’t know what he would say.

All Blaine knew was he was drawn to Kurt as ever, tugged by a string he’d felt connecting them since they met on that staircase years ago. He didn’t always understand it, but it was there.

It was powerful, and it was terrifying.

So he didn’t reach out, either. 

Instead, he tried his best to make the most of the space, to focus on himself as much as he could. He wanted Kurt to be in his life - he truly did, - but he was beginning to realize that he needed to establish boundaries for himself, for  _ both  _ of them,  _ for real  _ this time, if he ever wanted it to truly work.

He  _ really  _ wanted it to work.

Part of focusing on himself was focusing on the parts of his life that  _ weren’t  _ tethered to Kurt or Sebastian. When his therapist encouraged him to get himself out there, to be social, his first instinct was to see Nick and Jeff again.

After last time, they more than deserved a redo. 

Walking into the restaurant almost felt symbolic, a stepping stone along his recovery. The last time Blaine had been there was with _Sebastian,_ and he had been so unhappy, so lost. 

He was still a far cry from genuine happiness, with the weight of the past few months still making him heavy, but he was starting to feel more like _himself._ He was starting to feel like he could breathe again without being held down by Sebastian or anything - or any _one -_ else.

Blaine couldn’t help but smile as he saw Nick and Jeff across the restaurant, though it was quickly replaced by a tinge of fear and uncertainty as he approached and saw the guarded look on Jeff’s face. Jeff was usually so happy-go-lucky, and now Blaine wasn’t sure how to react.

“Jeff, you okay-  _ oof- _ ” Blaine was cut off with an unexpected armful of Jeff, but he welcomed it without a second thought, wrapping his arms around his friend. It felt  _ good  _ to be able to act, to smile, to  _ hug  _ without feeling like he was doing everything wrong. 

“Well, hello to you, too,” he said lightly, squeezing a bit harder before pulling away. Jeff gave him a sad smile. 

“I was really worried about you, man,” Jeff sighed. “We hadn’t heard from you in a while, and Kurt had mentioned to Nick that things weren’t too great.” Blaine’s brow furrowed.  _ Kurt had been talking to them about him? _

He wasn’t sure how to feel. 

“What did Kurt tell you?” Blaine asked tentatively, biting his lip. 

“Just that it wasn’t his story to tell, but you were no longer involved with Sebastian,” Nick shrugged, stepping forward to tug Blaine into a hug of his own. “He wasn’t sure how much you’d want to tell, so he didn’t say much more than that. We’re still pretty in the dark.”

Blaine couldn’t help but smile, already feeling silly for doubting Kurt even for a moment. Of  _ course  _ he’d respect Blaine’s privacy, even with his closest friends. 

“So...” Nick started once they were seated, making it clear what he wanted to talk about but not really knowing where to start. Blaine sighed, fidgeting with the napkin on his lap.  _ No use delaying it. _

“There’s been…A lot has happened,” he began before launching into the story. Though it still hurt to recount, between the fake elevator and the party and the end of all of it, it was easier to tell by now. He’d told Kurt everything, given several therapists the synopsis during introductory sessions, and it felt like he was beginning to  _ process.  _ Now, with Nick and Jeff giving him their full attention, he felt safe to tell them everything.

“...so, um. He hit me,” Blaine finished, looking up from where he was staring at the table to find Jeff willing away tears and Nick red in the face from anger.

He paused for a moment to take a shaky sigh, giving them a half-hearted, hopefully reassuring smile. 

“Anyway, I left. I stayed with Kurt for a few weeks, but things got...confusing, so I’m living in my parents’ house again.”  _ Practically living alone. I’m always alone now. _

“So how are you doing, though?” Jeff asked quietly, looking at him sympathetically. “Like, recovery wise? Where do you go from here?”

“I’m okay,” Blaine said, and it was true. He  _ was  _ okay. There were better days, and there were worse days, but all told, he was much more  _ okay  _ than he’d been in months. “I’ve been seeing a therapist, and it’s helping. I-I’ve never really explored my mental health before, but I’m starting to realize that I’ve...been struggling for a long time, and I might be depressed. I think it runs a lot deeper than just Sebastian.” 

_ Kurt is there in all of it,  _ he wanted to say, but he didn’t. He still felt so  _ protective _ of Kurt, like what they had - or used to have - was  _ sacred,  _ and he didn’t want his friends to think any of it was Kurt’s fault, mostly because it wasn’t. 

“Dude, this is huge for you,” Nick gushed, smiling approvingly. “I’m glad you’re working on yourself. You deserve it.” 

“My therapist has been really great so far. We’re trying to get to the root of it all, and it’ll take awhile. If I do get diagnosed with depression, we’ll go from there. I just feel like I need to figure out who  _ I am  _ again. Not attached to Sebastian or...anyone else.”  _ Or Kurt. At least not for now. _

The waiter came around then, and Blaine didn’t miss Jeff and Nick’s shared smile when he ordered for himself. It should have been completely ordinary, completely routine, but it felt  _ nice.  _ No more salads unless  _ he _ wanted one. 

Their conversation flowed easily after that, and Blaine felt at peace sitting in the restaurant with two of his closest friends. It felt like old times, and he found it easy to just let himself  _ enjoy being there.  _

That night, tucked in bed, Blaine couldn’t help but feel  _ optimistic.  _ Things were going to get better. They had to. He’d  _ make  _ them better. 

He could do this, day by day, piece by piece. 

  
  


When Kurt received an invitation in the mail for Brittany and Santana’s wedding, he wasn’t sure how to feel. He knew he should be happy for them, and he was, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that this should be  _ his  _ wedding. It should have been  _ him and Blaine _ tying the knot (though not in a barn, of course - Kurt Hummel would  _ never).  _ He still felt guilty for screwing everything up, and he was beginning to realize it was a regret he’d live with for the rest of his life.

It was still hard not to feel responsible for everything that had happened with Blaine, and the guilt was impossible to shake.

He  _ also  _ felt guilty for not having reached out to Blaine ever since he moved out.

He wanted to talk to Blaine -  _ needed  _ to, even, - but he had no idea what to say. He had no idea if Blaine would have even responded. He just knew that Blaine asked for space, and Kurt needed to give it. 

He wouldn’t have been able to mask the sadness he felt at being left, anyway, no matter how many times he told himself it wasn’t like that at all.  _ Blaine didn’t leave you. Blaine needed space. Put Blaine first. _

Kurt assumed Blaine would be at the wedding. Why wouldn’t he be? They were his friends, too, and now Blaine was... _ free.  _ Sebastian wasn’t keeping him home, keeping him locked down anymore. 

So he couldn’t help but hope that the wedding would give them the opportunity to reconnect, and Kurt could clear the air between them. It could be a chance for them to talk, a chance for Kurt to apologize for blurring the lines and for making everything confusing and for  _ assuming. _

It could be a chance for Kurt to see for himself that Blaine hadn’t left him, after all.

Either that, or it would be awkward, and they’d avoid each other, and Kurt would feel broken all over again.

Somehow, he didn’t feel completely crazy for hoping it would work out.

As Kurt adjusted his bowtie and smoothed the lapel of his suit jacket in the mirror, he smiled at his reflection.  _ God,  _ he almost felt sixteen again, butterflies in his stomach at the thought of seeing Blaine, except things were a hell of a lot more complicated now than they were back then.

_ Would they ever be easy again? _

The drive to the ceremony was lonely. He’d been tempted to reach out to Blaine before the wedding, to ask him to go as friends, but he had to put the ball in Blaine’s court. He had to wait for Blaine to come to him.  _ Surely he would come back. _

Instead, he took the time to center himself, getting his head on straight to be happy for his friends, to not worry about Blaine, and to  _ enjoy  _ himself. No matter how things turned out with Blaine that night, he would still be surrounded by all his friends.

Kurt was a sucker for a good wedding - barn or not, - so he couldn’t help his bubbling excitement as he pulled into the parking area. He had to admit the area was beautiful, and his curiosity was piqued to see how Brittany and Santana had decorated inside.

With a deep, cleansing breath and one last glance at his reflection in the rearview mirror, Kurt was ready.

The ceremony, of course, went off without a hitch. Even Kurt had to admit the location was just right for them, and if he got a tear in his eye during the vows, he’d never tell. As badly as his first love had turned out - though, he hoped that book wasn’t completely closed, - he couldn’t help but believe that Brittany and Santana would  _ make it.  _

It was beautiful.

A couple hours later, Kurt found himself sitting at the reception, taking a break from dancing and feeling slightly light and giddy after a glass of champagne. As nice as it was, it was tinged by a bit of something else, too - not sadness exactly, but a feeling more akin to _disappointment._

He hadn’t spoken to Blaine yet. They’d exchanged shy smiles across the venue the few times they’d caught each other’s eye, but Blaine had shown no signs of coming over to speak to him yet. 

Kurt had told himself over and over the past few weeks to stay strong, to give Blaine the space he asked for.  _ Let Blaine come to him.  _

But what if he had it all wrong? What if  _ Blaine  _ was waiting for  _ him? _

He sighed, putting his elbow on the table to rest his chin in his hand. They  _ still  _ weren’t communicating. If they ever wanted to be in each other’s lives, even just as friends, Kurt knew that had to change.

It had been their biggest issue ever since the beginning. They’d assume things about one another - Kurt would assume Blaine felt a certain way, and he’d assume  _ Blaine  _ knew how  _ he  _ felt, - and more often than not, it would come to a head in a messy misunderstanding. Time after time, they found themselves in the same place, never making true progress.

He hadn’t noticed the problem at all when they were in the thick of it. They  _ loved  _ each other, and at the time, Kurt fully believed that was enough. 

Looking back on it now, Kurt could clearly see just how wrong he was.

So  _ naive. _

“Hey, you.”

A soft, familiar voice pulled Kurt out of his thoughts, and he looked up.

_ Blaine. _

“Hi,” Kurt breathed, raising his eyebrows as he took in the sight before him. Blaine looked  _ good.  _ His suit was fitted impeccably, hair gelled  _ just  _ so, and though he wasn’t quite the carefree, happy Blaine he once knew, he looked a hell of a lot more comfortable in his own skin than the last time Kurt saw him weeks ago. Blaine was  _ there,  _ standing before him, and Kurt felt hope rising in his chest again. 

Blaine smiled, eyes crinkling gently at the corners. 

“May I have this dance?” he asked, holding his hand out to Kurt. 

_ Oh.  _

“Of course,” Kurt replied immediately, gently grasping Blaine’s hand and using it to pull himself up. He couldn’t help his heart from fluttering as he became aware that the party music had shifted to something much slower, much sweeter, and Blaine wanted to  _ dance with him. _

It wasn’t what he had expected, but he would  _ gladly  _ take it.

Blaine led them to the dance floor, and they naturally found their positions as they had so many times before - Kurt’s arms resting on Blaine’s shoulders, Blaine’s hands gently holding his waist. They were close, but not  _ too  _ close, and it felt  _ good. _

Kurt allowed his eyes to fall shut as he basked in the moment, giving himself time to just  _ be,  _ to just  _ exist  _ as they swayed slowly. He felt so wonderfully anchored, held by Blaine  _ just because,  _ not out of desperation or heartbreak or devastating loneliness. 

“I missed you, you know,” Blaine murmured softly in his ear, and a breath caught in Kurt’s throat, that familiar guilt coming back to strike him.  _ Blaine missed him. Maybe they could’ve been talking the whole time. _

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said softly, pulling back slightly to look at him. Blaine looked so  _ calm,  _ so  _ centered,  _ and Kurt couldn’t help but feel a bit of relief. “I should’ve texted or called or- or something. I just…” He fell quiet, any excuse or possible reasoning feeling wrong and pointless in his mouth. Seeing Blaine before him, held safely in his arms, made everything feel  _ different.  _ His insecurities, his tendency to overthink, his anxiety had gotten away from him again, and he felt so  _ silly. _

But Blaine was  _ there.  _ He was  _ back. _

“It’s okay. I get it,” Blaine said, and when he smiled, a genuine, soft smile that reached his eyes, Kurt couldn’t help but believe him.

As the music settled over them once more, Kurt let out a deep, cleansing sigh, leaning in to rest his chin on Blaine’s shoulder. Through his suit jacket, he could feel Blaine’s thumbs rubbing along his sides, and he sunk into the touch. They may have been surrounded by people, but he felt like they were the only two in the world. The only two that mattered.

“I found a good therapist,” Blaine offered quietly after a long moment. “It’s only been a few weeks, but I think it’s helping.”

Kurt hummed softly in acknowledgement, giving him the space to keep talking, the space to open up. 

“We talk a lot about boundaries,” he continued, nerves suddenly evident in his voice, and Kurt tightened his arms slightly around his neck in an attempt to offer wordless support. For once, Kurt felt like his own walls were down, and he was  _ open,  _ and he was ready to truly  _ hear  _ anything Blaine needed to say. “I want you in my life, Kurt, I really do. I want us to be friends.”

Kurt pulled back slightly to meet his eyes, giving him a smile. “I want that, too,” he said softly, and he meant it.

As strong as his feelings for Blaine were, Kurt knew  _ neither  _ of them were in any place to be together again. If the past few weeks had proven anything, they both had work to do.

Blaine’s recovery from Sebastian was priority, and Kurt would help him through any and all of it.

“We should talk,” Blaine said, face open and honest. “A-About the boundaries. For us.”

“We’ll talk,” Kurt agreed, tugging him slightly closer. “We’ll set a time, and we’ll talk. Just not tonight.”

“Not tonight. Tonight, we’ll dance.”

Kurt couldn’t help but grin at that, a rare, toothy grin that Blaine instantly mirrored. As they swayed together, song after song, he felt at  _ peace  _ for the first time in months.

But it was more than that. For the first time since he moved back to Ohio - before that, even - he felt like he and Blaine were  _ on the same page. _

He would do anything to keep it that way.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay on this one!
> 
> thanks for all the love as always, and with everything going on in the world, we're sending you all of our love, too.
> 
> we appreciate your comments so much!

Blaine couldn’t remember the last time he had slept as well as he did after getting home from the wedding. Being surrounded by friends and love and  _ Kurt  _ had made him feel so comfortable in a way he hadn’t in ages, and he fell asleep easily with the memory of Kurt’s arms ghosting his shoulders and the feeling of  _ acceptance  _ warming his body.

In a way, it gave him a new resolve. 

It was obvious that Sebastian did a number on him, but Blaine was beginning to realize just how vulnerable he had already been, ripe for Sebastian’s picking. The breakup with Kurt had brought everything crashing down, proving that nothing - not the engagement, not living together, not being in New York - was a guarantee for happiness.

He’d struggled desperately to find his place in New York, to fit himself into the puzzle of Kurt’s pre-established life - and just when he thought he’d finally  _ found it,  _ it was gone again.

At the time, Blaine had no idea how to cope with it, so he didn’t. Instead, he ran. He blocked it all out, and he distracted himself with Sebastian, and he almost lost himself completely in the process.

Sometimes he wondered how he’d even found the strength to get away.

The wedding made him feel like  _ being Blaine  _ was still a possibility. He had felt handsome, he had felt confident, and he had felt  _ ready  _ to face his friends, to face the world, to face  _ Kurt  _ again. The icing on top of the proverbial wedding cake was the secure feeling that having Kurt in his life in a healthy, productive way was a real possibility. Kurt had seen him that night -  _ really seen him,  _ even in small ways, _ \-  _ and Blaine was beginning to feel less afraid of being seen.

They had promised each other at the wedding that they’d talk, and Blaine wanted to. He  _ needed  _ to - they both did. 

But he wanted to be  _ ready  _ first.

If Kurt was going to be in his life, and if he was going to be in Kurt’s, he wanted to do it right.

In the couple weeks following the wedding, Blaine doubled down on his efforts to focus on himself. Therapy was going well - difficult but endlessly productive, - and he was finding joy in  _ music  _ again. He’d taken boxing back up, and his days were filled with work, exercising, playing piano. Everything Blaine did was for  _ himself,  _ and it felt incredible.

He hadn’t seen Kurt since the wedding, but they’d been in constant communication over text, and it felt good _. _

Blaine wanted to take it slow, and the idea of establishing a friendly rapport with Kurt without all the  _ dramatics  _ and  _ heaviness  _ of the past several months felt like a dream. He enjoyed their silly, mindless texts back and forth, checking in on one another without digging too deep. 

Not seeing Kurt physically, not even hearing his voice, but  _ just texting  _ provided Blaine a boundary that he badly needed as he established himself and mentally prepared to  _ really talk. _

It felt  _ easy,  _ and things hadn’t felt easy with Kurt in a very, very long time.

He wasn’t sure when he’d be ready for more. Seeing Kurt again -  _ calling  _ him, even - felt like a big step, but even just through their texts, Blaine could tell Kurt was different. He was patient. He was  _ open.  _

It made Blaine want to be open, too. It made him want to  _ trust  _ Kurt again.

Maybe, in time, he could.

  
  


Blaine’s therapist had warned him that recovery wasn’t a straight trajectory. There would be good days, but there would be bad ones, too. 

He had been lucky. He knew a bad day was inevitable, but he couldn’t help but sink into the false security of the good ones.

It just made his first real bad day hit that much harder.

Nothing happened in particular, not  _ really.  _ Blaine woke up late with a crick in his neck. It was raining out, so gray and  _ gloomy,  _ and there was extra traffic along his commute, and he stepped in a puddle running through the parking lot, and it was just all  _ off.  _

By the time the Warblers started filing in for rehearsal, Blaine realized he hadn’t heard from Kurt all day. It shouldn’t have hurt, and it  _ didn’t,  _ or at least it  _ wouldn’t have  _ on a normal day. 

Apparently he looked forward to those simple little texts from Kurt more than he had realized.

Rehearsal was unproductive at best -  _ detrimental,  _ even, he feared, - and Blaine knew it was his fault. He was stuck in his head, and his chest felt tight and constricted, and he couldn’t  _ focus.  _ He felt like none of it mattered, and maybe it didn’t. Maybe  _ nothing  _ mattered.

He ended up letting everyone go early. 

There were too many people in the room, too many voices, too many sets of inquisitive eyes, and it’s not like they were getting anything done, anyway.

_ Pointless. _

Blaine let out a heavy sigh as he packed away the sheet music into his messenger bag, squeezing his eyes tightly for a moment before picking up his phone to find-  _ oh.  _ A text.

**From Kurt:** Hey, you. Been a crazy day. Might have finally met a bigger diva than Rachel...and he’s a 13 year old boy.

It should’ve been funny, and it  _ was,  _ or at least it would’ve been on a normal day. But Blaine could tell Kurt was fishing for Blaine to ask questions before telling the whole story, and he didn’t have the energy to do it.

**From Blaine:** Sounds crazy.

Part of him knew Kurt would see right through him. Part of him hoped he  _ would.  _ The response came quickly.

**From Kurt:** You okay? You can be honest.

Blaine took a deep breath, staring down at the screen.

_ You can be honest. _

It was permission. It was openness. It was  _ safety. _

**From Blaine:** Honestly? No. Not really.

Blaine watched as the typing bubble appeared, disappeared, reappeared again, and held steady.

_ Say something. _

_ Please. _

Just as he was about to give up, go home, and try to forget the day ever existed (try to forget that  _ he  _ ever existed), his phone buzzed again.

**From Kurt:** Anything I can do? 

The million dollar question.

What  _ could  _ Kurt do? Could he make the rain stop? Could he dry his waterlogged shoes? Could he fix the crick in Blaine’s neck, fix the fog in his brain, fix  _ him? _

_ No _ . Kurt couldn’t do any of that.

Blaine slumped onto the piano bench, resting his head on his arms against the closed lid of the keyboard.

It all felt like  _ too much. _

His phone vibrated again.

**From Kurt:** Do you want to call me?

The phone was to Blaine’s ear without a second thought, number dialed.  _ Hearing Kurt’s voice  _ again had felt like such a huge step, but in that moment, it was the only thing he could think of that sounded  _ okay. _

He answered on the first ring.

“Hey,” Kurt said softly, and Blaine could only choke out a shaky breath in response.  _ Kurt. _

“Blaine? You there?”

“Yeah, I- Yeah. I’m here,” he managed.  _ Was he there?  _ “I’m here.” _ Maybe saying it again would make it true. Maybe it would make him feel real. _

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt prodded gently after a moment.

“Just…” Blaine began before stopping, unsure of whether he wanted to talk or not. He took a slow, deep breath, feeling the sensation of the air in his lungs and allowing it to ground him. “Just a bad day.”

That’s all it was. It was nothing in particular, but a bad one all the same.

Kurt hummed in acknowledgement. “Hey, are you still at Dalton? Did rehearsal just get out?”

“Yeah, I’m at school. I, uh… let them out early. We weren’t getting much done.”  _ It was my fault. I couldn’t focus. I feel like I failed them. _

“Alright, let’s do this,” Kurt began, and Blaine took another breath, focusing in on Kurt’s voice, waiting. “It’s still raining, so get yourself home safely, okay? Have some soup or something light, shower and get comfortable, and if you want to talk then, I’ll be here. You sound like you need to decompress first.”

As soon as Kurt said it, Blaine realized he was right. He  _ did  _ need to decompress, as silly as it sounded, but just one bad day was enough to put him on the verge of a tailspin. Kurt’s careful list of instructions sounded doable. They sounded  _ possible.  _ They provided structure to the rest of his day, eliminating the unknown, and it felt like exactly what he needed.

Blaine let out a long sigh, nodding to himself before realizing Kurt couldn’t see him. “Yeah, okay,” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes closed again.  _ Breathe.  _ “I’ll call you later.” 

“Let me know, okay?” Kurt said softly, his tone feeling warm and comforting, like a blanket Blaine wanted to sink into. “If you don’t feel like talking tonight, that’s okay, too. I’m here for you, Blaine, for whatever you need. Always.” 

He couldn’t help but smile to himself - a small one, perhaps, but his first  _ real  _ smile that day. 

_ Whatever he needed. Always. _

Blaine really, really wanted to believe that.

“Thank you,” he murmured, taking a shaky breath. “Really.”

“I mean it, Blaine. Anything.”

Blaine wiped a stray tear from his eye after hanging up, shaking his head at himself for crying. It seemed silly, but hearing Kurt’s voice grounded him in a very real way, giving him the strength to take his umbrella and face the rain again.

Just hours earlier, the rain had been his enemy, the dark clouds and dreariness echoing his headspace, making him late and wet and making it all  _ worse.  _ As Blaine stepped back out into the unrelenting downpour, however, he noticed that the patter of raindrops against his umbrella brought him comfort instead. 

_ Get yourself home safely. _

He drove carefully, radio off, appreciating the sound of the rain on the windshield. Kurt’s voice echoed in his mind, his suggestions organizing themselves into what felt like a checklist, small bites he could take one at a time. 

It was a mercifully painless drive, but coming home to an empty house felt entirely suffocating. He sunk against the back of the door after closing it behind him, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.  _ God.  _ He should be used to being alone by now, but the silence was even more deafening than usual, making his head hurt. 

_ Have some soup or something light. _

It was as if Kurt had known he hadn’t eaten all day. His appetite was shot, but soup felt doable. He could handle soup.

As it was warming, Blaine hoisted himself up to sit on the counter, forcing himself to just  _ be  _ with his thoughts. Therapy was showing him just how frequently he turned to distractions - distractions like Sebastian, distractions like sleeping with Kurt - instead of confronting them and allowing himself to  _ process  _ the way he needed to.

So instead of finding yet another distraction, Blaine sat, attempting to find comfort in the silence instead of constriction.

It was getting easier.

Blaine managed about half a bowl of soup before his stomach turned.  _ Don’t push it. _

He was tempted to forgo a shower and just lay in bed for the rest of the night, but Kurt’s voice echoed in his head. 

_ Shower and get comfortable. _

Kurt was right.  _ Of course he was.  _ The heat of the shower helped relax his body and his mind, storming thoughts quieting to a dull roar. 

By the time he was out of the shower and in his favorite pair of sweatpants, he felt  _ calmer. _

Things felt a little less hopeless than they had that morning, and his first instinct was to credit Kurt for all of it. But Blaine knew that  _ he  _ did the work. Kurt encouraged him and gave him a jumping-off point, but  _ Blaine  _ was the one to make it happen.

_ If you want to talk, I’ll be here. _

Blaine sunk into his bed, taking a deep breath.  _ Should he call Kurt _ ? Was he ready to talk, to  _ really talk?  _

He wanted to be, so badly. He wanted Kurt back in his life  _ for real,  _ not just through the phone. 

He truly wanted to be Kurt’s friend again. 

Not because he needed him, not because he loved him, not because he  _ had  _ to be.

He simply  _ wanted _ Kurt in his life.

For the first time, Blaine felt like he was ready to make it happen.

  
  


Kurt wasn’t sure if Blaine would call again or not.

Had he helped Blaine at all? Had he made his bad day  _ worse? _

He told Blaine he was there for whatever he needed, and he meant that. But Kurt wasn’t sure he knew  _ what  _ Blaine needed. He did what felt natural, and until they  _ really  _ talked, that was all he could do.

He’d wait until Blaine was ready, however long it would take.

_ Put Blaine first. _

That didn’t stop Kurt from keeping the phone face up, ringer on, as he lay in bed that night. He wasn’t  _ waiting,  _ exactly. He didn’t want to have any expectations, per se, but-

The phone rang, and Kurt’s hand flew to it in a second.

_ Fine. _

He had totally been waiting.

“Hey,” he said softly, unsure of what to expect on the other end but  _ hoping  _ all the same.  _ Blaine called.  _ It felt like a good sign.

“Hi, Kurt.” Blaine’s voice was small, yet steadier than earlier, and Kurt’s hope grew larger. “I did what you suggested. I… It helped, I think. Thank you.” 

_ It helped. Kurt  _ had helped. 

It felt like a lucky guess, but it was a win all the same.

“Of course. I’m glad to hear it, Blaine. I really am.”

They were quiet for a long moment. Kurt knew there must be something  _ more,  _ a reason why Blaine called other than just to thank him, but he didn’t want to push. 

“Kurt?” 

Blaine’s voice was soft, curling around his name so  _ gently  _ in a way Kurt had never been able to get over. He smiled, shifting to lay on his side and sinking into the simplicity of the moment.

“I’m here,” Kurt murmured.  _ Always. I’m not letting you go again. _

“I think… I’m ready. I want to talk. Really talk.”

_ Oh. _

“Okay,” he agreed instantly. Kurt hadn’t expected this tonight - not by a long shot, - but he was ready, too. He’d  _ been  _ ready.

“Can you do something for me first?” Blaine asked timidly. “Can we lay in our beds with the lights off while we talk, like we used to do my senior year?”   
  
Kurt’s heart melted, memories filling his mind. There were dozens of phone calls and Skype dates during the months they were long distance after getting engaged, but the very best were the ones they spent laying in the dark, focused on nothing but the sound of their voices. It was always incredibly intimate and warm and  _ safe. _

It served as an unspoken agreement to be fully open and honest, and it sounded  _ perfect. _

“Done,” Kurt murmured after turning the light off, nestling into the bed. He had so much to say, so many things he needed Blaine to know, and he wasn’t sure where to begin. But beyond talking, Kurt felt ready to  _ listen,  _ too. “I’m ready.”

“Me too,” Blaine whispered, pausing for a long moment before beginning to speak, his voice steady and clear. “I know I told you I’ve been going to therapy. I’ve been working hard, trying to really...figure myself out. I think my problem is that I’ve never really  _ done  _ that before. I think I’ve always loved performing and staying busy because I really needed to be seen, but...I don’t think  _ I  _ even saw _ myself.” _

“I saw you,” Kurt murmured. “I see you.”

He could hear Blaine let out a jagged breath through the phone, and his heart panged in his chest.  _ Please believe me. I see you. _

“I-I know you do, Kurt,” he said shakily. “I know that. I think...I knew that too well, back then. I depended on it, and that wasn’t your fault. When you went to New York, and you were busy, I...didn’t know what to do with myself. You weren’t there to see me. I didn’t know how to do it myself.”

Kurt knew what was next.  _ The cheating.  _ The topic was rapidly approaching, much faster than Kurt could have planned for, and he was afraid. They had never discussed it, not really. Not when they got engaged, not  _ ever. _

His instincts were screaming out to deflect, to push it away, to  _ ignore it, forget it, move on- _

_ No.  _ If Blaine was going to be in his life, as friends or as lovers or as  _ anything,  _ they needed to discuss it. 

_ Let him talk. Let him in. _

“I felt lost, Kurt,” Blaine continued, voice cracking slightly. “But you have to know that I don’t blame you. A-At least...I don’t anymore. I should’ve talked to you. I should have  _ told  _ you I needed you. I should have trusted you to listen if I asked you to.”

“I would have,” Kurt murmured shakily. “I would have listened. I had no idea you felt that way, but I  _ should have _ , Blaine. I should have seen the signs. I-I was so caught up in establishing this life in New York, and part of it was because I couldn’t wait for  _ you  _ to be there with me. I wanted to have it all set up for  _ us.  _ But I was so focused on our  _ future  _ that I didn’t notice what we needed  _ then.” You needed me, but I needed you, too. I had no idea I needed you so much. _

“I don’t think I ever really forgave myself for cheating on you,” Blaine admitted, and Kurt winced. As badly as he wanted to reassure Blaine, to tell him he forgave him a long time ago, his cheating still stung. “It...It’s my biggest regret, Kurt.  _ God,  _ it was… It was so  _ stupid.  _ I guess I thought when we got back together, everything would be magically fixed. But I still  _ hated  _ myself for doing that to you. And I think...I think I tried too hard to make it up to you, to  _ prove  _ to you that I could be a good partner, and I started losing myself in all of it again.”

“It’s not that I didn’t forgive you,” Kurt began carefully, taking a moment for a deep breath. “It just...hurt me in a way that I didn’t realize was possible. I don’t think I took the time and space to process that.”  _ I didn’t know how. Convincing myself to love you again was easier than facing the pain. _

“I think...that’s why we need to take it slow now. That’s why we need boundaries. We’ve really never had them before.”

Blaine was right. They’d fallen into each other incredibly quickly after their first breakup, and although it felt right at the time, it clearly hadn’t done them any good. Their physical attraction and their  _ love  _ had always been so incredibly powerful that it kept them from actually  _ communicating. _

“You’re right,” Kurt agreed, closing his eyes to focus his thoughts. “We need to take it slow, and we need to keep talking. Even about the hard stuff.”

_ “Especially  _ about the hard stuff. I want to be your friend, Kurt.”

_ Friend.  _ Being friends was all well and good, but Kurt couldn’t turn off his feelings.  _ Was that fair to Blaine? How did Blaine feel? _

_ We need to keep talking. Even about the hard stuff. _

Kurt had to know.

“In the interest of full disclosure…” he began quietly. “I have to get this out. I need you to know that I still love you. I know I...blurted it out before, but I mean it. I don’t expect you to say it back or even- even  _ feel  _ that way anymore, but you deserve to know. I don’t think I’ve always done the best job of making you feel loved. I sure as hell didn’t in New York, and I know that now. But I loved you then, and I loved you in high school, and I still love you now. I’m...pretty sure I always will.”

Blaine was quiet for a long time -  _ too  _ long, - and Kurt was getting nervous. He bit his lip, holding himself back from speaking again.  _ Let it be. Don’t take it back. It’s all true. _

_ Own it. _

“I believe you,” Blaine finally whispered, breaking the infinite silence, and Kurt let out a shaky breath. “I’ve always known that you love me, but I didn’t always  _ feel  _ it. But...I’ve felt it lately. I feel it now.”

Kurt smiled into the phone, for once not fighting the tears that welled up in his eyes. After everything, he still had the opportunity to  _ make Blaine feel loved. _

He couldn’t take that for granted. Not anymore.

“I’m glad,” he murmured. “I...I’ve been seeing a therapist, too, you know. Off and on since I… Since we broke up. Anyway, I realized that I have these… intimacy issues. I think my first instinct is to fight and make up as a way to stay connected, but it’s not healthy. I was  _ afraid  _ of being vulnerable, and I had to lose you completely to realize how silly it was to be scared of that. You’re the love of my life, Blaine. You just  _ are.  _ It’s why I came back to Ohio. No matter where we go from here, I...I don’t think I’ll ever lose sight of that again.”

Tears were streaming down his cheeks by the end of it, but Kurt’s voice stayed strong, unwavering. He had spent most of his life putting up walls, guarding his feelings in order to  _ survive.  _ After they met, Blaine had broken most of those barriers, but Kurt’s walls flew right back up after their first breakup, even throughout their engagement - the fighting, the misunderstandings, the insecurities,  _ all  _ of it, - whether he was aware of it at the time or not.

Now, laying in the dark with nothing but Blaine’s voice in his ear, Kurt finally felt safe to let his walls down for good.

“Thank you for telling me,” Blaine choked out, a crack in his voice giving away the fact that he was crying, too. Part of Kurt longed to reach through the phone to pull him close, but he also appreciated that Blaine  _ wasn’t  _ right there beside him. He knew that he wouldn’t have been able to be so open with Blaine physically there, not yet. It felt like the first of what could be many healthy boundaries, giving them the space to exist independently but to feel  _ safe  _ alongside one another. 

“Of course,” Kurt said softly. “I’ll tell you anytime, and I-I’ll show you, too. I always will.”  _ As long as you’ll let me. I hope it’s always. _

He heard Blaine sniffle. “I’m...not sure how I feel anymore,” he admitted shakily, as if he were afraid of Kurt’s response. “After everything with Sebastian, I’m in no place for a relationship with you or- or anyone else. But I don’t feel pressured to say it back or...do anything, so. Thank you for that, too.”

“I don’t think either of us are in a place for it,” Kurt agreed quickly, not wanting Blaine to doubt his intentions even for a moment. “But we  _ are  _ in a place to be in each other’s lives, and that’s what I want most of all.”  _ If you’re around, I’ll be okay. _

“It’s what I want, too.” Blaine’s voice was so soft, so sweet and genuine that Kurt couldn’t help but smile in the dark, snuggling deeper into his blankets. 

_ Blaine was officially in his life again. _

They fell into a comfortable silence, Kurt’s tears subsiding and breathing evening out. It felt sweetly familiar to their long-distance days; even without anything to talk about, they still found comfort in knowing the other was  _ there.  _

He nearly felt himself drifting off, but he caught himself. He had to make sure Blaine was still okay.

“Blaine?” he tried gently.

Blaine just hummed in response, long and slow.

“How are you feeling? After...today?”

“‘M fine, Kurt. ‘Lot better,” he mumbled, static filling Kurt’s ear through the phone as Blaine shifted around.

Kurt grinned, heart swelling at the sleepiness in Blaine’s voice.  _ Fuck, he was cute. _

“Good,” Kurt murmured. “You sleep, okay? I’ll text you in the morning.”

Blaine hummed again, letting out a long sigh. “Stay, though? Fall asleep on the phone?”

Kurt was utterly powerless to say anything but  _ yes _ .

  
  


It was like a weight had been lifted off of Blaine’s shoulders after their phone call. Nothing particularly had  _ changed,  _ not yet, but being open and honest and  _ on the same page  _ with Kurt brought him endless comfort, anchoring him in a very real way.

As alone as he often was in his empty house, just knowing Kurt was on his side kept him from feeling lonely again.

They were in a good place.  _ Blaine  _ wanted to be in a good place, too.

He was getting there. For once, there was no doubt in his mind.

Blaine was getting  _ better. _

A few days later, he was walking out the doors of Dalton when his phone buzzed in his pocket. 

**From Kurt:** Hey there. Want to meet me at that new karaoke bar in Lima tonight? Nothing too crazy, I promise. 

Blaine grinned at his phone, a light feeling of giddiness bubbling in his chest. Not too long ago, going out to a bar with a friend - especially Kurt - wouldn’t have even been a possibility. Even a few weeks ago, it would have felt overwhelming. But now, it just felt like  _ fun. _

Simple as that.

**From Blaine:** Yes! Meet you at 8? 

A few hours later, Blaine found himself staring into the mirror, biting his lip in concentration as he gelled his hair. Once he finished, he stepped back, taking a deep breath as he looked at his reflection. He looked  _ good _ . More than that, he looked like  _ himself,  _ not the boyfriend Sebastian had tried to force him to be or the shell of a person he’d left behind. 

The last time he’d gone to meet Kurt at a bar, just after running into him with Sebastian, just after everything began to unravel again,  _ everything _ was so incredibly different. 

Kurt hadn’t even  _ shown,  _ for one thing. 

This was Blaine’s shot at redemption.

He found himself singing along to the radio the whole drive to the bar, mindlessly plucking out harmonies and feeling the upbeat peppiness of the pop music seep into his bones. Once in the parking lot, he looked in his rearview mirror one last time, testing out a smile at his reflection. 

He was ready.

As soon as Blaine walked into the bar, he was greeted with flashing lights and the beginnings of a familiar song.  _ Wait a second. _

_ “You are the girl that I’ve been dreaming of...ever since I was a little girl…” _

Blaine felt his face break into a grin, rounding the corner to find  _ Kurt  _ up on the stage, working it like he owned the place.

He should have been miffed that Kurt had started without him, and he  _ would’ve _ been, but as soon as they locked eyes and Kurt grinned right back, positively  _ beaming,  _ Blaine couldn’t do anything but soak up every moment. He had nearly forgotten just how much of a performer Kurt really was.

He laughed loudly as Kurt spun around before grabbing the mic stand and belting out the chorus. 

_ “I’m not gonna teach him how to dance with you…” _

It almost looked like Kurt was trying to dance like  _ Blaine.  _ He looked silly, so  _ goofy,  _ positively  _ uninhibited. _

Blaine  _ loved _ it.

Kurt jumped off the stage as soon as the song was finished, face flushed and grinning as he bounded towards Blaine. 

“Hey, you! You’re here!” Kurt said happily, throwing his arms around Blaine in a quick hug before flopping onto the barstool next to him. 

“I hope you didn’t mind, but I couldn’t help but do an  _ Anderson classic _ ,” Kurt continued, wiggling a playful eyebrow at him. 

Blaine couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.

“If anything, you did it better. An absolute stunner!” he gushed, shaking his head fondly. 

“Oh, hush,” Kurt dismissed, waving his hand, but Blaine didn’t miss the twinkle in his eyes as his grin grew impossibly wider. “It doesn’t matter. I mostly wanted to make you laugh. How are you, anyway? What’s new?” 

“Kurt, we’ve been texting all week,” he teased, unable to take his eyes off of him. Kurt looked so  _ happy,  _ so  _ carefree,  _ just like Blaine felt. He’d just gotten there, but he already wanted to stay in that very moment forever. “I’m good, though. Therapy was good yesterday.”

Kurt’s smile turned into something softer but no less genuine, completely focused, and Blaine felt like they were the only two people in the room. “Yeah? Do you want to tell me about any of it?"

Blaine cleared his throat, taking a moment to consider. His therapy session had largely focused on the future, his  _ next move.  _ He fell back into Ohio like a safety net, but it wasn’t home. He knew it wasn’t home for Kurt, either - it never had been. It was something he  _ wanted _ to bring up with Kurt, but part of him was afraid. He and Kurt had talked through the past, and largely focused on the present, but the  _ future  _ was a topic they had yet to breach. Kurt was going back to NYADA in a few months, and Blaine wanted to be back in the city, too.

But part of him wasn’t sure Kurt wanted him there.

_ Take a chance. Let him in. _

“Well, I think I’m going to start applying to colleges to, um, transfer somewhere,” he explained slowly. “Um. For the spring semester. A few different schools in different cities, but I...think I really want to go back to New York.”

Blaine’s eyes flicked away from Kurt’s, and he looked down at the table briefly, unsure of Kurt’s reaction. He startled slightly as he watched Kurt’s hand come to cover his own on the table, and he looked back up to find Kurt... _ smiling. _

“That’s great, Blaine,” Kurt breathed, and it was enough to completely wash away Blaine’s anxiety.  _ Of course  _ Kurt would support him.  _ Of course he would.  _ “I think going back to school is a really good idea. Plus, you know I won’t complain about having you around.”

Kurt winked playfully, and Blaine felt himself blush, biting his lip in uncertainty. He felt silly for doubting Kurt’s reaction. Surely going back to New York could only be a good thing for him, and for  _ them,  _ too, but it  _ couldn’t _ be that easy.  _ Nothing  _ was easy, as he’d learned under no uncertain terms. In fact, it would be an inevitable challenge. He just hoped he could handle it, and that  _ they  _ could handle it, too. As wonderful as New York was, it was tinged with memories of fighting and insecurities and-

_ Stop. _

He hadn’t even sent in any applications yet.  _ Cross that bridge when it comes. _

Suddenly, Blaine’s phone rang in his pocket, startling him out of his thoughts. He pulled it out to find Nick calling.  _ Huh.  _ He’d been in regular contact with Nick since they met up for dinner, but not over the phone, and he thought he had mentioned to Nick that he was going out tonight.  _ Was something wrong? _

“It’s Nick,” he explained, looking at Kurt apologetically. “I should probably-”

Kurt squeezed his hand before pulling away, smiling understandingly. “No, go ahead. I get it. I’ll be here, okay?”

Blaine nodded, smiling sheepishly before darting out of the bar, finding a quiet spot outside. He was suddenly full of nervous energy, and he took a deep breath in an attempt to center himself before answering the call.  _ Don’t assume anything. Be casual. _

“Hey Nick, what’s up?” he asked carefully.

No answer.

Instantly, his nerves were back tenfold, his heart beginning to race.  _ What was going on?  _

He couldn’t ignore his gut feeling. Something was  _ wrong. _

“Nick? Are you there?” he prompted nervously, voice beginning to shake.

He heard Nick sigh through the phone, and Blaine stared at his shoes, trying desperately but failing to keep his mind from racing through the possibilities.  _ Was there a car accident, or was someone sick? Jeff? Where was Jeff? What if- _

_ Stop. _

Nick hadn’t even said anything yet.  _ Wait. _

“Blaine,” Nick began, voice carefully even. “There was a fire. Dalton is… It’s gone.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for your support as always!

Ever since Blaine had shown up on his doorstep that fateful night weeks ago, Kurt had hoped and wished and prayed to a God he didn’t believe in that he would never have to see _that look_ on Blaine’s face ever again. The desperate, completely _broken_ resignation in his eyes haunted Kurt every night, chilling him to the bone.

When Blaine hadn’t returned from taking his phone call after several minutes, Kurt left their table at the karaoke bar to go check on him. He wasn’t in the bathrooms, not in the quiet hallway, so he must’ve been outside…

And there he was.

And there was _that look_ again.

Blaine was frozen, slumped against the brick wall of the building as he stared out into the night, just _stared,_ looking completely lost and _done._

_What the hell happened?_

“Blaine?” Kurt asked shakily as he approached him. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, already beginning to panic. _Breathe._ He reached out tentatively to put his hand on Blaine’s shoulder, needing something to ground himself, hoping it would anchor Blaine, too _. Put Blaine first._ “Blaine, what’s wrong?” 

He watched carefully for some sort of reaction, some _acknowledgement,_ but it was like Kurt wasn’t even there. Blaine stood silently, staring straight ahead, still as a statue if not for the single tear that tracked down his cheek.

Kurt waited patiently, thumb brushing gently back and forth where he held his shoulder as he provided the wordless support he’d come to learn Blaine needed. _I’m here. Whenever you’re ready. I’m always here._

“There was a fire at Dalton,” Blaine eventually broke out, reaching up with a shaky hand to wipe a tear off his face. “Nick said it burned to the ground. There’s nothing left… The academy’s gone.”

When Blaine’s eyes finally snapped over to lock with Kurt’s, it took everything in him not to crumble. 

Dalton. _Gone?_

Blaine had just been there that afternoon. _How?_

The place they’d met. The place they’d fallen in love. The place they’d gotten _engaged._

_Gone._

It made no sense.

Kurt swallowed the lump rising in his throat, pushing down his panic, his sadness, his _everything_ , at least for the moment. Blaine looked so _broken._ His own feelings could wait. _Be strong. Put Blaine first._

“I... _God,_ I…” Kurt began, but he had no idea what to say. There was _nothing_ to say. He knew no possible words would bring Blaine any comfort. A place that had meant so much to him, a place where Blaine _belonged,_ a place where Blaine found his footing as a student and then again as a coach, was just _gone._

A loud burst of chatter startled Kurt out of his thoughts, and he looked over to find a large group exiting the bar, laughing and talking and clearly having the time of their goddamn _lives._ He wanted to punch them.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said quickly, sliding his hand down from Blaine’s shoulder to grasp his hand, gently tugging him from the wall. “I’ll take you home.”

Kurt had expected some resistance, a half-hearted offer to go back inside, perhaps, or a hesitation about leaving Blaine’s car in the parking lot overnight, but nothing. Blaine was silent. 

In fact, he was silent the whole way home, just staring straight ahead, and Kurt wasn’t sure what to do. Blaine had always worn his heart on his sleeve, and seeing him _shut down_ was far more worrisome than any potential outburst.

It was like he was past the point of being sad, of being angry, of _feeling anything._

Compared to how light and happy and _hopeful_ Blaine had been at the bar less than an hour prior, the way he was just _vacant_ completely terrified Kurt.

Things had been getting _better. Why did this have to happen? Why Dalton? Why now?_

It wasn’t _fair._

Kurt stared at the road, hands gripping his steering wheel the entire drive to the Andersons’ house, attempting to focus on his breathing instead of questioning everything, breaking down the way he so easily could.

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

Kurt knew that him breaking down wasn’t what Blaine needed. What Blaine _needed_ was for Kurt to be strong. He had promised to show Blaine he loved him, to _prove_ it, to _put Blaine first_ in a way he’d failed to do when they were together, and supporting Blaine through this was an opportunity he just _couldn’t_ fail. _Not again._

“We’re here,” Kurt said softly as he pulled into Blaine’s driveway, reaching over to squeeze his knee gently. The house was dark, empty, and he knew Blaine shouldn’t be alone, but he didn’t want to presume. “Should I-”

“Come in,” Blaine blurted out, taking in a jagged breath. “Please. Stay with me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he agreed instantly, moving quickly to turn off the car and simultaneously unbuckle his seatbelt and getting jumbled in the process. _Breathe._ “I’ve got you. I’ll stay.”

He followed Blaine’s lead into the house, through the entrance and directly upstairs into Blaine’s bedroom, where Blaine promptly collapsed onto the bed and just _laid_ there, shoes still on. 

_Shit._

This was much, much worse than a breakdown.

Kurt watched him for a moment before carefully reaching to untie Blaine’s shoes, tugging them off before tucking a throw blanket around his shoulders and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

And that was all he knew to do.

What else _was_ there to do?

_Dalton was gone._

Sure, Kurt had only attended the school for a brief period of time, but it was arguably the _most important,_ most _influential_ time of his life.

It was the first time he felt _safe._ The first time he felt _happy._

It was where he had met _Blaine,_ the first person to _make_ him happy, that certain kind of happiness where he couldn’t have stopped smiling even if he wanted to, that certain kind of happiness he had _never_ experienced, at least not in his teenage years. 

It was where he had fallen _in love_ for the first time, that once in a lifetime kind of love that he never thought he’d experience _at all,_ let alone so young.

It was where he had been loved in return, received his first _real_ kiss that counted.

It was where he stood in front of dozens of people who loved him, who supported him, as he was _proposed to_ by the one who loved and supported him _most of all._

And then it was gone _._

It was _gone_ , ruined, burned to the ground, just like the love he had found there, the love he had lost.

The love _he_ had ruined.

The symbolism was uncanny.

It was _cruel._

“Kurt? Are you crying?”

Blaine’s impossibly soft voice shook Kurt from his thoughts, making him realize that, yes, he _was_ crying - tears streaming down his cheeks, chest heaving, _full on_ crying, in fact.

“I- I just…” he managed, but then Blaine’s arms found their way around him, and Kurt was _done,_ he was _breaking,_ and he was powerless to stop it.

Kurt was vaguely aware of Blaine tugging him to lay down, of being pulled into Blaine’s chest, of his own hands fisting Blaine’s shirt, of his body shaking with sobs, but he had no control over any of it. The realization of everything he’d lost suddenly hit him in the face, completely taking him out. He had tried impossibly to dampen his own feelings, to focus on everything but himself, but it was all coming to a head, and all he could think was _it’s over, it’s gone, all of it’s gone, it’s all ruined._

“I didn’t realize Dalton meant so much to you, too,” Blaine murmured quietly, and Kurt shook his head against Blaine’s chest, taking a shaky breath in a failed attempt to calm down.

“It- It’s just-” he gasped out, and Blaine’s fingers were instantly combing through his hair, soothing him. Kurt closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on the sensation to anchor him, to clear his mind, to allow himself to _breathe._

Seconds, minutes, an eternity later, he was finally able to get a grasp on himself, sobs subsiding. 

“It’s all gone,” Kurt began quietly, pulling back to look up at Blaine. “Our… So much of _us_ was there, and now… It’s gone.”

He carefully met Blaine’s eyes, which were still vacant, detached, but somehow fully zeroed in on him. Part of Kurt still felt responsible for _putting Blaine first,_ but he had spent so long being strong, and wasn’t it important for him to be vulnerable, anyway? _Not that he had much of a choice._

“Kurt,” Blaine sighed softly, hand moving from Kurt’s hair to carefully brush away the tears on his face. “Our memories haven’t changed. We still have those. Everything we experienced… a fire can’t ruin that.”

 _“No. I_ ruined it. _I ruined it all._ I… I screwed it all up, I-” Kurt shook his head, a fresh sob wracking his body and effectively cutting off his sentence. _It’s all my fault. That fire, all it does is symbolize what I already destroyed._

“Hey, hey. It’s not your fault,” Blaine murmured, pulling him close again. “It’s not your fault.”

 _It is,_ Kurt wanted to say. _Who else’s fault could it be?_

Instead, he just sighed heavily, moving his arm to wrap around Blaine’s torso completely, surrounding himself in _Blaine Blaine Blaine._

He didn’t even deserve to be there, to have Blaine comforting him.

Not after he had ruined it all.

“Talk to me?” Blaine prompted quietly after a long moment, long enough for Kurt to quiet, long enough for his breathing to even out, long enough to begin wrapping his mind around his thoughts. 

“It’s not...It’s not _Dalton,_ exactly, I guess,” Kurt began quietly, fidgeting with the hem of Blaine’s sweater. “It’s just… It’s where we met, where we got together… It’s where we got _engaged,_ even, it just… I feel like it represents _us,_ everything we used to have, and… It burned down, and it’s all _gone,_ Blaine, just like how _I_ screwed it up for us. I ruined the best thing I’ve ever had, I… I lost it all.”

Kurt squeezed his eyes closed, biting his lip to keep more tears from coming. Breaking down like this, being so _vulnerable,_ felt so foreign to him. It felt so _strange._

But surprisingly, it didn’t feel _bad._ He didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed or _wrong._

In a way, he almost felt closer to Blaine for it.

“You didn’t lose it all,” Blaine murmured quietly, _so_ quietly that Kurt wasn’t sure he’d said anything at all until Blaine was pulling back, hands finding Kurt’s face, cupping his cheeks. “Look at me.”

Kurt opened his eyes to find Blaine looking at him seriously, eyes sad but _intense,_ full of something _more._ A breath hitched in Kurt’s throat. 

“I’m here,” Blaine continued, staring at him intently. “I’m right here. You didn’t lose me.”

Kurt nodded shakily, reaching up desperately to hold Blaine’s face in return, to _feel_ him, to know under no uncertain terms that Blaine _was_ there, that he _hadn’t_ lost him, that he _wouldn’t_ lose him again. _Please don’t let me lose you again._

When Blaine just leaned into his touch, an unexpected warmth bloomed in Kurt’s chest.

“Really?” he heard himself ask, though his voice was so shaky, so detached somehow, that it almost didn’t feel like it could have come from him.

“Really. I’m here, I promise you. You didn’t lose me, and you _won’t.”_

Kurt couldn’t trust himself not to screw it up again.

But looking into Blaine’s eyes, holding onto each other, he couldn’t help but trust _Blaine._

“I love you so much,” Kurt breathed out, tears welling in his eyes again but for a completely different reason now, something _deeper,_ something less hopeless. “I...Don’t say it back. You don’t have to. But I love you.”

“I know you do,” Blaine whispered, tugging Kurt back into him, against his chest. “I know you do.”

As Kurt began to slip into a fitful sleep, exhausted from crying, he couldn’t help but feel like that was almost better than Blaine saying it back.

  
  


The next morning, Blaine woke up with the urge to _do something._

He was still having trouble comprehending that Dalton was no longer, _just like that,_ and he had no idea what that _meant._ What about his job? What about the Warblers?

What about _Kurt?_

Kurt had taken it so much _harder_ than Blaine ever could have expected. Out of all the trials and hard times he and Kurt had been through together, the only other time he had seen Kurt break down was after Finn died, which anyone could have anticipated.

But he couldn’t have anticipated comforting Kurt, holding Kurt, listening to Kurt pour his _heart_ out, all triggered by Dalton, all while Blaine was entirely numb himself.

In a way, he was grateful for it. Kurt’s emotions had kept Blaine from detaching completely, from slipping entirely inward into something that would take him days - weeks, even - to come out of. It was like he’d absorbed Kurt’s feelings like a sponge, holding them safely for his own, and he felt surprisingly _connected_ to him by the end of the night.

So instead of wasting away his weekend in bed, staring at the ceiling and losing track of time completely, Blaine genuinely _wanted to do something._

In fact, he _needed_ to. He needed to commemorate Dalton somehow, to acknowledge its importance to him, to Kurt, to _them,_ and he had just the idea.

The building may have been destroyed, but one important part of their time at Dalton still remained.

Kurt was quiet that morning, subdued. In fact, he looked the way Blaine had felt so many times in the past several weeks, just completely _drained_.

They had woken up the same way they had fallen asleep, Kurt’s head on Blaine’s chest, Blaine’s arms around him, but there was nothing awkward or strange or _blurry_ about it.

It was what they needed, what they _both_ needed, easy as that.

When he pulled Kurt out of bed with a “trust me, I have an idea,” Kurt simply followed.

The drive to Westerville was reverently quiet, radio off. Though extended silences had always been rare between them, they had never been _awkward,_ and Blaine was grateful for it.

He didn’t need words to feel like he was close to Kurt, to feel like they were supporting one another through this, through _everything_.

They had only been in the woods on the outskirts of campus once before, when the world had felt so _different,_ yet the same acute feeling of _loss_ was very much there.

As they walked side by side through the trees, Blaine breathed in the autumn air, the chill filling his lungs. If he closed his eyes, he could almost convince himself he was back in his sophomore year, alongside his new love as they laid to rest the little bird who had somehow finally, _finally_ opened his eyes and brought them together.

It all seemed so much _easier_ then. The struggles that had brought each of them to Dalton aside, the future felt full of endless potential, of boundless _hope_ and _opportunity,_ both in his own life and with _Kurt._

Blaine was far from jaded now, but he was less _dreamy,_ for one thing. He had learned the hard way that nothing was truly easy. _Everything_ took work.

He took a deep breath, looking over at Kurt as they approached the right tree, watching the breeze move through his hair, watching his cheeks color slightly from the cold, watching the way he seemed to become more _settled_ right before his eyes.

Everything took work, but some things were worth all the work in the world.

Blaine crouched down, studying the small, bedazzled headstone. 

_Pavarotti_

_2010-2011_

He couldn’t believe a bird so small, a life so brief, could have such an impact.

Where would they be without Pavarotti? Would he have still realized his feelings for Kurt? Would he have been too late? Would they ever have been together at all?

Who would Blaine have become without Kurt by his side?

“God, all those rhinestones. I don’t know what I was thinking,” Kurt muttered dryly above him, breaking Blaine from his thoughts.

It didn’t matter. Kurt _was_ by his side, still, even after everything. 

Something good - _incredible,_ even - had come out of the loss of Pavarotti.

But what good could come out of a loss as huge as the fire?

A loss as huge as their former relationship?

“I thought it was adorable,” Blaine said softly, absently. He stood back up but still stared at the ground, his eyes searching Pavarotti’s grave, looking for answers, looking for _something_ to make it all make sense.

It _was_ huge. It was _monumental._

Dalton was _gone._

It was finally hitting him.

“You alright?” Kurt prompted gently, placing a hand on Blaine’s back, and Blaine jolted at the touch, shaken from his thoughts.

“Just overwhelmed, I guess,” Blaine began, shaking his head a little. “Dalton was...my _home._ In more ways than one. It was an escape in high school, and again the past few months… And now it’s just _gone.”_

Kurt stayed quiet, hand rubbing between his shoulder blades gently in a slow, circular motion, and Blaine sunk into the touch, allowing it to keep him calm as he continued to speak.

“After what happened at the Sadie Hawkins dance, coming here… I felt like it _saved_ me. It was there when I needed it most, and I felt _protected_ . Dalton became like this- this beacon of hope, and- I don’t know. I just wish it wasn’t gone.” _Sometimes I wish what we had wasn’t gone, either. Sometimes I wish we could get it back, and I think maybe we could, but that still terrifies me. I can’t lose anything else._

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment and focusing on the chill in the air, _just_ short of too cold, just enough to keep him feeling present.

“It saved me, too, you know,” Kurt said quietly, and Blaine looked over at him, surprised at the admission. Kurt’s eyes were shining with unshed tears - tears Blaine knew Kurt likely wouldn’t let fall, not again, - and he had a small, sad smile on his face as he looked at Pavarotti’s headstone.

He looked beautiful.

“Everything felt...really hopeless after what happened with Karofsky. Transferring, leaving all my friends… it was so hard. I felt like I was running. But then I got to Dalton, and it wasn’t a perfect fit, but I was _happy,_ Blaine. I think they were some of the happiest months of my high school career.”

Blaine couldn’t help but feel like he had at least a small part in that, in making Kurt happy.

Truth be told, those were some of the happiest months of _his_ time at Dalton, too.

“I remember how sad the Warblers were when you announced you were going back to McKinley,” Blaine mused, smiling softly. “I think Wes practically cried.”

Kurt huffed a laugh, shaking his head. “He sure did love the fact that I was a countertenor.”

Blaine chuckled, and a comfortable silence fell over them as they stood, looking down at the ground, the very same way they had years prior. They were still new to each other then, inexperienced in so many ways.

Somehow it felt like a lifetime ago and just yesterday, all at once.

Though they hadn’t ever come back to visit Pavarotti’s grave before, its very placement was something only the two of them had known about. Kurt had never told the Warblers where he was burying Pavarotti, just that he _was,_ though it wasn’t _tradition,_ and he hadn’t shown them the bedazzled casket, either _._ But he had trusted Blaine with the knowledge, and Blaine held it close to his heart, even years later.

If they were to have a _place_ that was just for them _,_ this was closer to being _just_ _theirs_ than anywhere else.

They were entirely different people than they were when they buried Pavarotti. _So much_ had changed, more than he ever could have anticipated, but standing there next to Kurt, Blaine couldn’t help but think so much was still the same.

Maybe _they_ were still the same, deep down, underneath the armor they had each built from the hardships and _heartbreak_ of the past few months, of even longer.

It could have been the nostalgia of it all, or it could have been how _close_ he felt to Kurt in that moment, or it could have been something else entirely, but Blaine felt the warmth of a familiar song bloom in his chest, and he was powerless to hold it in.

“ _And if you have a minute why don’t we go, talk about it somewhere only we know,”_ Blaine sang softly, barely above a whisper. He smiled as Kurt’s arm moved to wrap around his shoulders entirely, and Blaine leaned into him as he continued.

_“This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go... somewhere only we know...”_

Blaine trailed off quietly, a single tear escaping and running down his cheek as he felt Kurt press a soft kiss to his temple. He wasn’t sure why he was crying, though the reason should have been obvious. But it wasn’t just Dalton. It wasn’t _just_ anything. It was _everything_.

His emotions swelled so largely inside of him, providing an unmistakable contrast to the sheer simplicity of the moment. He had been so lost, so numb, and it was incredible to _feel_ again, and Kurt was there through all of it. 

For once, he wasn’t afraid of that.

“Do you remember what I said to you last time we were here?” Blaine asked softly. “After losing Pavarotti, losing Regionals… how _we_ still won because we got each other out of all of it?”

Kurt just hummed in response, rubbing Blaine’s upper arm gently, and that was enough. He didn’t need words to know Kurt remembered. _Of course_ he did.

“I think… In a way, that’s still true,” Blaine continued slowly. “I mean, look at everything we’ve been through in the past few months, and even before that. It should have torn us apart, a-and at one point I thought it _did,_ but… Here we are. You and me.”

Things inevitably change. They had changed before and would continue to change, but, at the same time, in some way, they stay the same.

“Here we are,” Kurt echoed softly, and there they were. 

_We got each other out of all this._

He always thought Dalton had saved him, but maybe it wasn’t Dalton at all.

The realization dawned on Blaine, but it wasn’t a shock to his system. It crept in and settled itself deep in his bones, making him feel steady. Making him feel _safe._

“You know what?” Blaine mused, pulling away just enough to look at Kurt, meeting his eyes. “I used to think Dalton was my safe place, but… It’s gone now, and I feel safer than ever.”

He paused for a moment to just look at Kurt, to just look at the sincerity in his eyes, the pink in his cheeks and the redness in his nose. He was so acutely _focused_ on Blaine, and for once, Blaine felt vulnerable in the _best_ way.

“Maybe Dalton _was_ what I needed at the time,” he continued carefully, turning to face Kurt - Kurt, who was _so close, right there_ beside him, seeing in his very _soul_ . “I thought it was my sanctuary, even. But from the second I saw you on that staircase, it became _you._ Even though it took me… too long to realize that. You’ve been my safe place from the day I met you.” _You were then, and you are now, and I hope you always will be, but I’m still scared that if I let you, I’ll lose you again, and it’ll be for good._

Part of Blaine wondered if it was too much, if it was too soon. Part of him wondered how Kurt would take it, if Kurt would know what he meant. Part of him _wondered_ what he meant, but it felt true all the same. 

“You’re mine, too,” Kurt breathed, and Blaine was reaching up, hand molding to hold the back of Kurt’s neck, thumb brushing his hairline, just needing to touch. “No fire, no _anything_ can take that away from us.”

Silence settled over them again, and all Blaine could see, feel, think, _breathe_ was _Kurt._ Kurt was _everywhere,_ and he was everything, and nothing else mattered.

The last time he had kissed Kurt, that night at Rachel’s house, he felt so impulsive _,_ so out of control, so _desperate_ . Kurt had made him feel so _strong_ that night, and things with Sebastian were so heavy and complicated, and Blaine’s brain was confused and jumbled and _hurting._ He would never - _could_ never - regret a kiss with Kurt, but it wasn’t what either of them deserved.

His eyes darted to Kurt’s lips, which were slightly parted, so _welcoming,_ and Blaine felt strong again. He felt strong, and he felt far from desperate. They had talked about taking it slow, about being friends, about keeping boundaries, but as he inched closer, eyes fluttering closed, it just felt more and more _right,_ and maybe this time-

Blaine felt a soft, lingering kiss press to his forehead instead, stopping him in his tracks, and he sighed, all impulsivity melting from his body in an instant. He _hadn’t_ been ready. _Not yet._

_Maybe soon._

Sometimes Kurt knew him better than Blaine knew himself.

His eyes fluttered open, and Kurt was there, a soft smile on his face as they briefly leaned their foreheads together. 

For now, that was enough. 

“We should probably get going, you think?” Kurt asked softly after a long moment, his thumb briefly caressing Blaine’s cheek. 

“Yeah.” 

Blaine pulled away then, taking one more moment to look down at Pavarotti’s grave. Just like the last time, he reached out his hand, and Kurt took it, easy as that.

“Thank you, Pav,” Blaine murmured softly. _For more than you know._

He wasn’t sure what the future would hold. He didn’t know what would happen with Dalton, or with the Warblers, or with his job. He didn’t know what would happen with college, or with New York, or with Kurt, either.

As they walked away, hand in hand, Blaine realized he wasn’t as afraid of the unknown anymore. He wasn’t afraid of the variables, or the questions, or the difficulties in life they had faced before and would inevitably face again.

In fact, he felt like maybe something _better_ entirely was coming.


	11. Chapter 11

Things inevitably change. They had changed before and would continue to change, but, at the same time, in some way, they stay the same.

Blaine was coming to learn that all too well. Perhaps he should have been used to it, even, but finding out the Warblers would be transferring to McKinley and merging with the New Directions threw him for a  _ major  _ loop.

Coming back to Ohio, coming back to Dalton, coming back to a careful friendship with Kurt, and now coming back to  _ McKinley  _ again - it all felt too much like he was meant to retrace his steps, to search, to reach back into the past in hopes of solidifying his future.

It was eerie.

But it was an  _ opportunity  _ to change, to choose a new path, to  _ improve. _

The Warblers had a difficult time adjusting, as to be expected. They had essentially been forced to leave everything they knew, of course, but meshing them with the existing New Directions members proved to be a  _ feat.  _ Personalities and traditions and costumes and practically  _ everything  _ clashed, and tensions were high in the choir room day after day.

It should have been stressful, and it  _ was.  _ Blaine had never been great with transitions himself - in fact, it was something that had come up frequently in his therapy sessions, an unexpected thread linking so many of his struggles with fitting in, finding his place, finding  _ himself.  _ Add in the fact that he was required to manage a bunch of teenage boys that were  _ much  _ more combative than the Warblers  _ he  _ remembered, and Blaine should have been spiraling.

But somehow, he was...okay.

It could have been the fact that McKinley was already familiar to him. Though he had struggled to find his own place there, he  _ had  _ found it eventually, and he found himself settling back in rather comfortably.

It could have been the fact that he  _ was  _ responsible for the Warblers, and it was easy to put on his proverbial Coach Hat and focus on them entirely.

Or it could have been Kurt.

It could have been Kurt, who was his amazing friend and duet partner, who had once been his boyfriend and then his fiance, who he had once pictured as his husband and as the father of his eventual children, who was now his  _ coworker.  _

Of all possible scenarios, Blaine had never considered teaching with Kurt. But it was _fun._

They worked well together - of _course_ they did, - and as difficult as the students were, there was something carefree about it. With Mr. Schuester back at McKinley and Rachel, too, Blaine found himself and Kurt often taking a backseat in rehearsals to just observe, enjoy, remember what it was like to just _live and breathe music_ before things got so complicated and heavy. 

He and Kurt hadn’t had another moment anywhere near as intimate, as  _ close  _ as they had shared in the woods by Dalton, but that was okay with Blaine. In fact, he was enjoying simply having fun with Kurt more than ever - no expectations, no big  _ feelings,  _ no unsaid thoughts and fears hanging over their heads like storm clouds. 

In a way, Blaine was relieved that they were still capable of joking, of easy banter, of excited conversations about musical numbers and fashion. They were still capable of  _ everything  _ that had made them click so well in the first place.

As complicated and heavy Blaine’s life had become, things were slowly starting to feel easier, to feel lighter again. 

Sectionals came quickly, and they  _ won.  _ Blaine hadn’t expected it in the slightest, but they had pulled it off. He was elated - they  _ all  _ were. It meant they were one step closer to Nationals. It meant new opportunities opening up for the kids he had grown to care for. 

When the New Directions were announced as the winners, Blaine was fully caught up in the flurry of excitement and cheers and hugs and if he got a sudden armful of a giddy Kurt and an enthusiastic smack of a kiss to his cheek, well, that just made it that much better.

Paired with a mounting stack of college acceptance envelopes that had been accumulating in the past couple of weeks, Blaine was feeling  _ good. _

But there were decisions to be made, steps to be taken, a future to be outlined, and as good as Blaine felt, he was still afraid of what was next. 

Ohio had become his safety net, and he didn’t  _ want  _ to stay there. He didn’t  _ want  _ to keep coaching the Warblers forever and living in his parents’ house forever. He wanted  _ more. _

He still wasn’t sure if he could trust himself to achieve it.

But the days were passing all the same, as it inevitably did, and the semester was drawing to an end. Time was ticking down until it was time for Kurt to go back to New York. 

Blaine hoped he would be going back, too.

_ Was he ready? _

Could he ever  _ truly  _ be ready?

When a thick envelope from NYU finally -  _ finally -  _ arrived in the mail, Blaine felt the answer in his gut, two thoughts in quick succession.

He had to try.

He had to talk to Kurt.

The phone was in his hand without a second thought.

**From Blaine:** Hey, I have something to run by you. Are you busy?

**From Kurt:** Color me intrigued. Want to come over?

**From Blaine:** Perfect. See you soon.

  
  


_ I have something to run by you. _

Kurt blinked down at his phone, warning sirens instantly going off in his head. Blaine’s message was so  _ vague _ . Mysterious. Ominous. Foreboding?

_ Promising? _

There was no way to know.

_ Shit. _

Kurt knew he would find out soon enough -  _ very  _ soon, considering Blaine was already on his way over, - but he couldn’t keep the wheels in his mind from spinning, considering the possibilities.

It couldn’t have been anything  _ terrible,  _ or Blaine wouldn’t have been so vague.  _ It probably wasn’t anything. _

They were fresh off a Sectionals win, and nothing else especially noteworthy had happened since the fire weeks earlier.  _ Nothing noteworthy between them, either. _

_ They  _ were doing well, too. It was like Kurt was remembering what it was like to have Blaine as his  _ friend  _ all over again, and it brightened his days even more than he could have anticipated. He had felt so close to Blaine that afternoon in the woods, but they hadn’t shared anything remotely like that since. Kurt had no reason to believe Blaine was ready to... _ try  _ again.  _ Or was he? _

No.

It probably wasn’t anything.

Kurt busied himself by tidying his room, forcing himself to overly focus on  _ make the bed, fold the throw blanket, fluff the pillows,  _ instead of  _ I have something to run by you, I have something to run by you, I have something to run by you. _

It worked well enough, and then the doorbell was ringing, and Kurt was opening the door, and  _ oh- _

Blaine was practically  _ beaming. _

“Hi,” Kurt breathed, the tension beginning to melt out of his body.  _ At least it wasn’t anything bad. _

“Hi yourself.” Blaine ducked in for a brief hug, and Kurt startled for a moment, surprised but pleasantly so, before hugging back lightly. 

“Come in, come in.”

Kurt stepped back to let him inside, raising his eyebrow as he noticed Blaine’s hand was full with what seemed to be a stack of mail. “Uh, whatcha got there?” he asked, wheels spinning in his head again as he tried and failed to put the pieces together.  _ What wasn’t he getting? _

“Oh! I, um. Got some letters from the colleges I applied to,” Blaine explained, smiling sheepishly as they settled at the kitchen table. 

_ Oh. _

Kurt sunk into his chair, suddenly feeling very silly. The semester was ending, and he was moving back to New York soon, and  _ obviously  _ this was what Blaine had wanted to talk about.  _ What had he been expecting? _

“Oh, um, of course! Tell me- tell me more,” he stammered before plastering a wide smile on his face, just shy of over-enthusiastic. It had to have been good news, considering Blaine’s smile, but Kurt couldn’t shake the strange feeling in his chest. 

Blaine just arched an eyebrow at him. “Kurt, what’s the matter?”

_ Of course.  _ Blaine saw right through him.

“Nothing, nothing,” Kurt sighed heavily, shaking his head a little. “Really. I just… Your text scared me, Blaine. I had no idea what you were talking about.”  _ I had no idea what was going on. I hate not knowing what’s going on. _

Blaine’s face fell a little, and Kurt mentally cursed himself for ruining the moment.

_ Stop. Put Blaine first. _

“I’m sorry. I just… I got  _ this  _ in the mail-” Blaine slid a thick envelope emblazoned with the NYU logo across the table, towards Kurt. “-and I wanted to tell you right away. In person. You were my first thought.”

Blaine was suddenly full of surprises, and Kurt almost couldn’t keep up. Perhaps he should have known better than to be surprised at all, but he was all the same.

_ You were my first thought. _

Kurt smiled at Blaine briefly - genuinely this time - before reaching for the envelope. 

“Good news, I hope?” he prompted gently, opening the door for Blaine to speak but not wanting to push.  _ Put Blaine first.  _

“I got in,” Blaine breathed, eyes sparkling, and Kurt bit his lip to keep from interjecting. “I got in there, and I got into... _ every school  _ I applied to.”

Kurt couldn’t help from grinning, wide and toothy and unabashed, because  _ wow, every school. Every single one. _

“Blaine, that’s amazing! That’s incredible!” he gushed.  _ You’re amazing. You’re incredible.  _ “You deserve it.”  _ You deserve the world. _

“Yeah, I- I didn’t expect it,” Blaine admitted, ducking his head briefly. “I’m not sure  _ what  _ I expected, but… I applied to NYU, of course, and Columbia, too… and some, other schools outside New York. Ohio State, for one. To be...safe, I guess.”

_ Oh. _

Yet again, Kurt found himself surprised when he had no reason to be.

Blaine had  _ told  _ him he was applying to schools in different cities. Kurt had tried not to  _ assume  _ Blaine would be back in New York, but ever since Blaine had mentioned wanting to go back to school, Kurt had just-

_ Shit.  _

He  _ had _ assumed.

Ever since Blaine had mentioned wanting to go back to school, Kurt had been just a little more excited to go back to New York, a little more excited for what was  _ next,  _ a little more excited about the  _ future. _

It just made  _ sense  _ for Blaine to come back to the city.  _ Didn’t it?  _

Blaine had even mentioned it himself.  _ Did he mean it? _

Kurt had never expected Blaine to  _ leave  _ New York in the first place. He knew Blaine had a complicated experience with the city, that things were never easy for him there.  _ Did he just assume all along that Blaine wanted New York as much as he did? _

“I… What do you want to do?” he asked lamely, caught off guard by his swirling thoughts, his anxiety, his own  _ foolishness.  _ His  _ assumptions  _ with Blaine had never gotten him anywhere, yet he still couldn’t stop himself from slipping into it time and time again.

Kurt watched Blaine carefully for a moment as Blaine let out a soft laugh, shaking his head a little before locking eyes with Kurt, eyes warm and open and so earnest.

“I want to go back, Kurt. I want to go to NYU.”

_ I want to go back. _

A breath hitched in Kurt’s throat, and he just looked at Blaine for a moment, a small smile spreading across his face. His heart was screaming  _ yes, yes, yes, finally, go back, go back with me and be where we’re meant to be,  _ but his mind was fighting, weighing the fears and the problems that they went through in New York before and would undoubtedly go through again. 

It wouldn’t be easy.  _ Would it be worth it? _

“That’s-  _ Yes,  _ Blaine, I think that’s great,” he breathed, pushing all conflicting thoughts aside for the moment. This was what he had  _ wanted,  _ after all _.  _ They were on the same page again, and he had no reason to worry.  _ Right? _ “Do you feel good about it? About being back in the city?”

Blaine shrugged slightly, looking down at the envelope on the table. “I think I’m ready. I… If I stay in Ohio, I’m going to get complacent. It’s too safe, you know? I need to push myself. I-I’m nervous, honestly. It’s a lot of change.”

“Definitely a lot of change,” Kurt agreed softly, hesitating for a moment before reaching out to place his hand over Blaine’s on the table, offering an extra touch of support. “But I’ll be happy to have you in the city with me.”  _ Will you be happy to be there with me? I want you to be. _

“Yeah. Me too,” Blaine murmured quietly, still looking down at the table. He moved his hand to allow his thumb to brush gently across Kurt’s knuckles, a warmth spreading through Kurt’s hand and up his arm from the touch. Kurt suddenly couldn’t tear his eyes away from their hands.

“I want to do this right,” Blaine continued suddenly, voice strong, as if with a new resolve as he broke the contemplative quiet that had settled over them. “The whole college thing. I-I want to go all in. I even want to try to get a dorm room if I can.”

Kurt bit his lip, watching Blaine carefully for a moment.  _ A dorm room?  _ He hadn’t expected Blaine to move back in, of course, but he hadn’t expected a  _ dorm room  _ either. Out of all of their friends, none of them had gone that way. Dorms seemed so abstract to Kurt, like their own society, their own world. 

Blaine would make his own friends, have his own routine, have his own  _ everything  _ separate from Kurt, and he had no idea if this  _ dorm room  _ would be anywhere near Bushwick or their old stomping grounds.  _ What if they grew apart? _

_ What if Blaine met someone better? _

_ Stop. _

It was what Blaine needed. Blaine  _ deserved  _ to be independent, to establish himself. Kurt  _ knew  _ that Blaine was struggling with his identity, and it  _ was  _ a good idea. It would help.

_ Put Blaine first. _

“I want you to do it right, too,” Kurt said sincerely, and he meant it, though he couldn’t help but hope _doing it right_ meant something to do with him, too, with _them,_ at least in part. He had felt so close to Blaine in the woods by Dalton, unable to keep from thinking that Blaine felt something, too. The air had been so thick, full and intimate in the sweetest way, and though they hadn’t experienced anything quite like that since, he _knew_ he wasn’t the only one that felt it.

Though that afternoon was more than enough to give him hope, Kurt was still afraid to breach the subject. There were so many unknown variables, so much uncertainty, and nothing was guaranteed. Even still, they needed to.  _ He  _ needed to.  _ He had to know.  _

“But, um, Blaine, I-”

He paused to take a deep breath, collecting his thoughts. He knew he had to communicate, to be open, to be honest. It was the only way they could have a fighting chance.

Communicating was  _ hard,  _ but he owed it to Blaine. He owed it to  _ himself. _

Kurt looked up to find Blaine smiling at him gently, and when he gave Kurt’s hand a reassuring squeeze, it gave him the last push he needed to speak. 

It wasn’t like Blaine didn’t already know exactly how Kurt felt.

_ He could do this. _

“Us both being in the city again…” Kurt began, holding eye contact despite his nerves. “I guess I’m hoping that it means there’s a chance for- for  _ us.  _ That we can work towards being together again. That’s- that’s what I want.”  _ Please want that, too. _

Blaine’s eyes softened, full of warmth and honey, and Kurt felt his heart flutter in his chest.

“Me too,” Blaine agreed, voice soft but emphatic. “I hope we can get there. When we’re both ready for it.”

A wave of relief washed over Kurt, though he still felt a bit  _ stuck  _ somehow.

_ I hope we can get there. _

But  _ when _ would they be ready?

When it came down to it, New York was the catalyst for the demise of their relationship. Kurt still felt guilty, felt responsible for so much of it, but the city was the undercurrent that ran through all of their issues: Blaine’s cheating and loneliness sparked by their long distance, Kurt’s blind ambition to keep up in the rat race, Blaine’s insecurities and struggles to fit in at NYADA, in the city. 

_ What if it ruined them again before they even got a real fighting chance? _

There was no way to know, but in that moment, sitting across from Blaine at the kitchen table, feeling the warmth in his eyes and his hand thrumming through his body, Kurt knew Blaine was worth all the chances in the world.

Kurt took a deep, shaky breath, giving Blaine a small smile.

“Now why don’t we go get comfortable on the couch?” he suggested. Though the conversation was far from over - if it ever truly  _ would  _ be over, - Kurt felt accomplished,  _ proud,  _ even, at their progress. “You can tell me more about NYU.”

Blaine’s face lit up, giving Kurt’s hand another small squeeze before pulling away to gather his envelopes.

“I’m in.”

The afternoon passed in a blur, spent in one of Blaine’s very favorite ways: curled up on the couch next to Kurt, just  _ talking. _

He allowed himself to get excited about NYU, telling Kurt all about the music department and the classes he could take and the performance opportunities and  _ all of it.  _ It was scary, and it was daunting, but it was  _ good,  _ too. He felt like after the hell he had been through, he deserved to feel excited about the future, at least for an afternoon.

Blaine could tell Kurt had reservations, unanswered, unspoken questions that were likely ones that he had himself. 

But here, on the couch, Blaine allowed them to fade into the background. He allowed himself to dream, instead, to fantasize about the things he could learn, the places he could go, the shows he could see… The many doors of possibilities were opening before him, and his future felt like less of a black hole in his mind.

And Kurt, he hoped, would be there for all of it.

They had migrated close to one another, tucked into either end of the couch with their socked feet tangled on the middle cushion. Blaine was fully leaned against the back of the couch, head pillowed, unable to wipe the dopey grin off his face as he and Kurt talked about anything and everything.

Kurt was grinning, too, toothy in that rare way Blaine found endlessly endearing, as he chatted animatedly about new spots in the city that they could explore together. 

If it were possible to have a mental scrapbook filled with perfectly preserved memories, the image of Kurt lazily splayed on the couch before him would have been a must-have.

“Oh! Do you remember that little bakery with the  _ best  _ cheesecake?” Kurt asked excitedly, closing his eyes briefly. “Mm, I’ve been  _ craving  _ it ever since I came back here. You know the one, over by the restaurant where we-”

Kurt clamped his mouth shut, cutting himself off, and Blaine’s heart sank.

_ The restaurant where we used to meet up every Friday night after class. _

_ The restaurant where we broke up. _

That was all it took to bring Blaine back to reality, to burst the carefree bubble he had held himself in all afternoon.

The reality was that New York  _ hurt  _ him. The city was full of dark, painful memories, and Blaine was about to throw himself back into the thick of it.

_ Could he handle it? _

_ Could they? _

“ _ Blaine,  _ I-”

“It’s fine,” Blaine sighed, shifting to hug his knees to his chest, to protect himself. “Who are we kidding? New York is full of some really...shitty memories.”

He chuckled humorlessly, looking away from Kurt at nothing in particular, just needing to look at anything  _ but  _ him.

They had been talking about going back to New York, about getting back together like it was easy _ ,  _ but the months Blaine had spent in the city were impossibly hard.

Was he dooming himself to repeat his past mistakes? Was he setting himself up for failure? 

Was he setting  _ them  _ up for failure?

“Hey,” Kurt said softly, placing a gentle hand on Blaine’s knee and shaking him from his thoughts. “You’re right. It  _ is  _ full of some bad memories. But we had a lot of good ones, too.”

Blaine just stared at Kurt’s hand on his knee, silent for a long moment as the questions swirled in his mind. 

“Do you think I can handle it?” he asked finally, voice small.  _ Am I strong enough? _

“I know you can,” Kurt murmured instantly, and Blaine’s head jerked up to look at him. Kurt looked so open, so  _ earnest,  _ and Blaine couldn’t help but believe him. “You’ve been working so hard, Blaine. We both have. It’s not going to be easy, but… I don’t know. I believe in us.”

Blaine let out a shaky breath, tears threatening in his eyes.  _ God,  _ what he would have done to hear Kurt say those words so often when they were engaged, when their relationship was struggling, when he felt so  _ distant  _ from Kurt more often than not.

_ I believe in us. _

Kurt squeezed his knee gently, giving him a sweet smile. “Besides, we’ll make more memories, and they’ll be good ones.  _ Great  _ ones, even. You can reclaim the city, Blaine. You can drown out the bad with the good.”

“Yeah,” Blaine breathed, Kurt’s words settling inside of him like a promise. _I believe in us._ _You can reclaim the city._ “I-I should probably-”

He was cut off by the sudden sound of clamoring coming from the entryway, followed by a “Kurt? I’m home!”

_ Burt. _

Blaine hadn’t seen him since he moved back in with his parents - far too long ago, considering how good Burt and Carole were to him. A wash of guilt panged in his chest, and he unfolded his legs, sitting up fully on the couch as Burt came into the living room.

“Oh! Hey, Blaine,” Burt greeted, stopping in his tracks. “Good to see you, bud. It’s been too long.”

“Hi, Mr. Hummel.” Blaine smiled sheepishly, giving him a small wave. “Sorry about that, I- uh. Things have been crazy.”

_ Understatement of the century.  _

Burt scoffed, giving Kurt a playfully pointed look. “This guy, I swear. He’ll never learn,” he joked before turning back to Blaine. “It’s Burt, kid, you know that. It really is good to see you, though. We missed having you around.”

The words felt heavy to Blaine’s ears, and he knew Burt meant more than just the past weeks. 

Blaine felt Kurt’s eyes on him, and he looked over to find a gentle smile on his face, the kind that swelled warm in Blaine’s chest. 

“Well, it’s good to be back,” he replied softly, though he could only look at Kurt.  _ I never thought I would be.  _

Kurt’s smile only grew, and Blaine felt himself mirror it, unable to help it. 

“I know Kurt thinks so,” Burt chuckled, clapping a hand on his son’s shoulder. “I swear, he’s not the same without you. You make my boy happy.”

Blaine knew Burt was playing around, at least in part, but he couldn’t help the hope that bloomed inside of him all the same.  _ Kurt wasn’t the same without him. _

_ He made Kurt happy. _

Was it true?

Judging by the blush that colored Kurt’s face and the nervous laughter that bubbled out of him, maybe it was.

_ Maybe they could make it. _

“Blaine was just on his way out!” Kurt blurted suddenly, jumping up from the couch. “I-I’ll walk you.”

As he got up, Blaine realized he should have been offended that Kurt was pushing him out the door - should have questioned it, at least, - but seeing Kurt flustered was such a  _ rare  _ treat that he didn’t care a bit. It was almost like they were back in high school, and Blaine loved it, earlier worries all but fading away for the moment.  _ What was Kurt so nervous about? _

“Don’t be a stranger, alright? I mean it,” Burt insisted, reaching out to pat Blaine’s back as he passed by. 

“I won’t.” Blaine was beaming, and he knew it, but feeling accepted and  _ wanted  _ by Burt never got old. He wasn’t sure it ever would. 

Kurt was going to kill his dad.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t made his feelings completely clear to Blaine, but things were so delicate between them, so fragile, so  _ precious. _

He was working so hard on being open, on letting himself be vulnerable with Blaine, but hearing his feelings noticed and remarked on by someone else entirely - even just his dad - felt like too much.

“I’m sorry about him,” he sighed, stopping at the door to face Blaine, giving him an apologetic smile.

“Kurt, stop. You know I love your dad,” Blaine insisted, reaching up to put his hands on Kurt’s shoulders, grounding him. Kurt instantly deflated, anchored by the touch.

“I know, he just… Sometimes he talks without thinking,” he mumbled, and then Blaine was grinning, and then-  _ oh. _

Blaine was pulling him into a hug, arms warm and sure and so  _ right  _ around him.

“For the record,” Blaine murmured in his ear. “I’m not the same without you, either.”

Kurt let out a shaky breath, barely able to suppress a shiver at Blaine’s voice so close to his ear, so intimate. After the ups and downs of their afternoon, after being cut short by his dad, he was unsure of how Blaine felt, but  _ alright.  _ Apparently he was okay.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said dumbly as they pulled apart  _ too soon, come back, just stay forever,  _ and then Blaine was gone.

It wasn’t until he heard his dad clearing his throat behind him that Kurt realized he had just been standing there, staring blankly at the door. 

He jumped, turning around to see his dad leaning against the wall, arms crossed. 

“So. What’s going on with you two?” Burt asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kurt huffed a sigh, shaking his head a bit. His first instinct was to be annoyed with his dad, to take out his anxiety and fears and worries and all of it on him, because his dad was  _ there,  _ and he was an easy target, and-

_ No. _

His dad just wanted to help.

_ Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight. _

Kurt needed to let him.

“It’s...still complicated,” he admitted, shrugging a little.  _ It’s incredibly easy and impossibly hard at the same time. How is that possible?  _ “We’re friends, and I- he’s my  _ best  _ friend, Dad. The best one I’ve ever had. But I, um. I think we both want that to change, but I’m not sure when we’ll be ready.”  _ Or if we can make it. _

Kurt moved past his dad back to the living room, needing to sit, to ground himself. He felt so shaken, mixed thoughts and feelings about the future swirling in his head and making him feel unsteady. He sunk into the couch, staring at his lap as he absently worried his bottom lip.

“That’s not it, though,” Burt urged gently, and Kurt felt the couch dip down as his dad sat next to him. “There’s more going on. What’s got you so worried?”

“Blaine got into NYU,” he breathed, a mix of excitement and worry and uncertainty and hope and  _ everything  _ hitting him all over again. “He’s moving back to New York soon.”

Burt let out a whoop, clapping Kurt’s shoulder excitedly, and Kurt jolted at the touch. “Kurt, you let him leave without letting me congratulate him? That’s awesome!”

Kurt looked over at his dad, managing a small smile. “Yeah, it’s great. I think it’ll be really good for him. I just…” 

He paused, closing his eyes for a moment. He felt  _ selfish  _ to worry so much. It  _ was  _ awesome. Blaine deserved to be celebrated, and Kurt  _ was  _ excited.

But there was so much to be afraid of.

“Last time we were in New York together, I ruined everything,” he admitted softly, and there it was.  _ He screwed it up. He threw it away. It was all his fault.  _ “The idea of being back there together- even if we’re not  _ together…  _ I don’t know. I’m worried.”

Burt sighed, patting his back gently now, and Kurt attempted to focus in on the touch to keep the anxiety from swelling too largely inside of him. “Look, bud. I get where you’re coming from, but you’ve got to stop worrying over the past. Sure, things went badly last time, but you guys have grown a  _ lot.  _ You’ve learned a lot about yourselves and about each other, too. I can see it.”

Kurt nodded a little, letting out a shaky breath. His dad was right. He felt so aware of his own needs, and Blaine’s, too - more than ever. Working on his intimacy issues was  _ hard,  _ exhausting at times, but it was paying off. He and Blaine were  _ close  _ again, better than they had been in ages, even closer than when they were  _ engaged _ .

Why was he so convinced it would all just fall apart again?

“You guys are different people now,” his dad continued gently. “And I mean that in a good way. You helped him through everything with Sebastian, and you both came out stronger for it. If you want to be together again, I really think you can handle it.”

But what if they couldn’t?

_ Stop worrying over the past. _

“When we’re  _ both _ ready,” he sighed, leaning against the back of the couch. “When we’re ready, then maybe, but until then-”

“What are you waiting for? What’s going to make you ready?” Burt interjected, and Kurt inhaled sharply.

He had no idea.

It had become his knee-jerk reaction to any thoughts, any feelings, any ideas that were something  _ more.  _

_ When Blaine was ready. When Kurt was ready. When they were ready.  _

But how was he supposed to know? How long would he have to wait for the perfect moment?

Would there ever  _ be  _ a perfect moment? 

Was there even such a thing?

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly, and that was all he could think to say. 

Burt just wrapped his arm fully around Kurt’s shoulders in response, pulling him into a hug. Kurt melted against his dad, letting out a deep, cleansing breath.

“If your old man’s opinion matters for anything,” his dad said after pulling away. “I think you’re ready now.”

Kurt should have been surprised at the idea, and he almost  _ wanted  _ to be, but deep down, he already knew. 

There  _ would  _ be no perfect moment, but a love as strong as the one he had for Blaine - the one he hoped they  _ shared -  _ was worth taking a risk. 

Blaine had said that staying in Ohio any longer would make him complacent, would coddle him, would hold him back. 

Was forcing them to stay friends the same way?

_ Reclaim the city,  _ he had told Blaine.  _ Drown out the bad memories with the good. _

How was their relationship any different than that?

Kurt could reclaim it.  _ They _ could reclaim their relationship  _ together _ . They could drown out all the bad memories with the  _ good. _

Blaine had been through the ringer, but he was  _ still  _ strong, still putting himself out there, still taking a risk to move back to New York. Fears aside, Kurt admired him endlessly for it.

It was Kurt’s turn to put himself out there, to take a risk, too.

He was ready to do it for the both of them.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the holiday chapter!
> 
> thank you as always for your support!

As the weather grew colder and the days crept closer to Christmas, Kurt was busier than ever. The New Directions were finished for the semester, so he and Blaine both were absolved of their duties, sent off from McKinley with a surprise performance from their students, but it wasn’t a relief in the slightest. The time Kurt had spent working - and then some - was now filled with making plans for his return to New York.

There were classes to sign up for, a work schedule to set, a monthly budget to work out - Kurt didn’t want to have to return to the diner unless he absolutely _had_ to, - and an apartment to reclaim from the NYADA student who had been subletting. Plus he had Christmas gifts to buy for his family and clothes to pack and closing paperwork to fill out for his work-study at McKinley...

Sometimes busy felt like an understatement.

On top of it all, he was helping Blaine make _his_ plans, too. If Kurt was busy, he knew Blaine was feeling the pressure tenfold. Kurt had the advantage of returning to his pre-established life in the city, but Blaine was starting from scratch.

_Because last time, it all went wrong._

Although Kurt told himself over and over that the past was the past, the guilt of being the catalyst for Blaine’s fall from New York continued to lash out and strike him at the most unexpected times. _Would he ever be over it?_

Burying himself in _packing, planning, preparing_ also served as a way to keep the guilt from eating him alive. 

He could tell that Blaine was just as nervous as he was excited, if not more, as anyone would be. But all of their talking, their communicating, their opening up had made Kurt realize that transitions were _tough_ for him. Though Blaine had covered up quite well, fully convincing Kurt at the time, in fact, that transferring to McKinley was no big deal, that moving to New York after graduation was no big deal, Kurt knew now just how difficult it was for him, how much Blaine _struggled_ to find where he fit in a new place.

Hindsight was 20/20, after all.

Kurt had failed to truly see Blaine then, but he saw him more clearly now than ever. The move back to New York served as an opportunity for Kurt to make things _right,_ to _put Blaine first_ and prove his growth and commitment in a very real way.

Although he wasn’t sure he would ever stop feeling guilty for the past, he at least had a _chance_ to improve their future.

And so Kurt took it upon himself to help ease Blaine’s transition as best he could. It was stressful - overwhelming at times, even, - but it was worth it to take even a bit of the load off of Blaine’s shoulders. 

A few short months ago, Kurt thought he had lost Blaine forever. A bit of stress, a bit of lost sleep, _anything,_ really, was worth having Blaine back in his life, back in the city, hopefully _for good._

They spent several afternoons scrolling through the NYU website, researching professors, and had _finally_ secured Blaine a shared dorm room, though they didn’t know anything about his roommate-to-be. They spent hours in Blaine’s room, packing away his life in Lima. 

There was so much change, so much to be worried about, but there was _excitement,_ too. 

Kurt had never been an optimistic person, per se, but he channeled his efforts into focusing on the positive, if not for himself than for Blaine. Nothing was guaranteed, but that didn’t mean automatic failure, either. 

He had told Blaine he believed in them, and he _did._

Part of him felt like they finally deserved a win.

He just hoped Blaine believed in them, too.

But as much as Kurt believed in Blaine, he _was_ beginning to doubt his packing abilities. He found himself sitting on Blaine’s bedroom floor for yet another afternoon of sorting clothes, slowly but surely working his way through Blaine’s surprisingly extensive wardrobe. 

“Dorm rooms are small, Blaine,” he chided absentmindedly, neatly folding a polo shirt as Blaine sorted his ties. “You’re not going to be able to bring everything, you know. It just won’t fit.”

Kurt still wasn’t thrilled about Blaine moving into a dorm. They were crowded, they were unsanitary, and they were so _separate_ and out of Kurt’s realm. But it was what Blaine wanted, and Kurt owed it to him to be supportive.

_Put Blaine first._

He had to remind himself constantly. _Put Blaine first. Put Blaine first._

_Shouldn’t it be getting easier?_

Blaine sighed, setting down his box of ties and shaking his head. “We’re getting _nowhere,_ Kurt. Look at this!” He gestured at the piles of clothes, the increasing pile of boxes mounting in the corner, the clipboard of so many unchecked to-do items. 

He was right. They _weren’t_ getting anywhere.

There were so many clothes left to sort and pack, and there was _so much_ to do, and so little time before they would be back in New York, thrust back to a fast-paced life and into the unknown.

Ohio had become a bubble for them, and they were about to pop it themselves.

They _had_ to. 

_Right?_

Kurt groaned in exasperation, casting Blaine’s shirt aside and leaning back against the dresser behind him and rubbing his hands over his face. “If you didn’t have so much _stuff,_ Blaine, then maybe-”

He cut himself off with a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. _No._ He was tired, and he was hungry, and he was frustrated. It wasn’t Blaine’s fault. 

_Don’t take it out on him._

“Sorry,” he breathed on his long exhale, looking over at Blaine with a small, apologetic smile. _Breathe._ “I don’t mean to snap.”

Blaine shook his head, carefully leaning over a pile of cardigans to get closer to reach for Kurt’s hand.

“I think we need a break,” he decided, giving Kurt’s hand a brief reassuring squeeze before letting it go again. Kurt clenched his hand into a fist to resist reaching for Blaine’s again, to resist intertwining their fingers and pulling Blaine in and _finding_ a way to _take a break,_ indeed. 

He barely managed to hold himself back. _What had gotten into him?_

Surrounded by Blaine’s things, in Blaine’s bedroom, on Blaine’s _floor…_ It was all so reminiscent of their early days, when they would sit on the floor to avoid the bed because the bed felt _intimate,_ like pressure they weren’t ready for.

Though they were only on the floor now for logistical purposes, it didn’t feel all that different, somehow.

_Shake it off._

“Do you have something in mind?” Kurt asked finally, figuring it was safest to put the reins in Blaine’s hands. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Blaine mused, cocking his head thoughtfully. “Something...fun. We need to get out of the house. What do you think?”

_Something fun._

Kurt had been so firmly in work mode that he hadn’t even _thought_ of fun in weeks. Packing with Blaine _was_ the closest thing he’d had to fun, at least, until it got so _never-ending_.

He was so _behind_ , too. If Blaine didn’t want to pack anymore, Kurt really just needed to go home and work on his internship paperwork. He needed to call Isabelle, too, to confirm that they still had a spot for him at Vogue. _Vogue._ He _really_ needed to be thinking more about Vogue. Plus Christmas was soon, and he had _nothing_ picked out to give his dad and Carole yet, or Blaine, and he _really_ needed to-

_Christmas._

Ever since their first duet, Christmas had always felt like _their_ holiday, like _their_ season. It had always been so warm and cozy and _Blaine,_ and Kurt had the _perfect_ idea.

In fact, he should have had it planned all along. He’d been so caught up in planning their future that he had forgotten that Blaine was _right there,_ sitting _right_ in front of him.

It was time to make the most of that.

“I’ve got the perfect idea,” he announced, clasping his hands together excitedly. “And it’s a _surprise.”_

Kurt would find a way to surprise Blaine every day for the rest of their lives if he got to see the look that spread across his face every time. Blaine was _beaming,_ eyes alight, a far cry from how tired and dejected he had been moments earlier.

“A surprise!” Blaine got up quickly, stretching his arms over his head with a smattering of pops and cracks. _“Oof._ Are we going now?”

He reached down a hand to Kurt, who took it gratefully, unable to hold back a smile as Blaine hoisted him into a standing position.

“Thanks,” he said softly, and Blaine was _right there,_ and Kurt couldn’t help reaching up to straighten the collar of his red shirt for him, resting his hand over Blaine’s collarbone for a brief moment. He was _so_ warm, so cozy, so _Christmas._

_Snap out of it._

“Um, I need to go home and change… We need to dress warm,” he said carefully, not wanting to give anything away. “I’ll pick you up in a few hours?”

Blaine just grinned, giving Kurt’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“Perfect.”

Going out with Kurt was _exactly_ what Blaine needed. The imminent move back to New York was weighing heavy on his shoulders, and though packing distracted him somewhat, it was too closely connected. He knew that Kurt loved to stay busy, and it was a _useful_ coping mechanism, for sure, but Blaine needed a _distraction._

The promise of a surprise was the perfect thing.

Blaine had no idea what Kurt had up his sleeve. It was one of his favorite things about Kurt - he never knew exactly what was going on in his head.

At times, it was the most maddening thing about him, too.

But somehow, tonight, not knowing felt _okay._ It held the promise of something fun, of something _special._

Maybe it was the chill in the air, or maybe it was the Christmas lights along the drive, or maybe it was how adorable Kurt looked all bundled up, but Blaine could barely contain his excitement as they drove to _wherever_ they were going.

“Kurt, where _are_ we going, exactly?” Blaine couldn’t help but ask. He had to know.

Kurt shook his head fondly, eyes still on the road, but Blaine could see him crack a smile. 

“We’re almost there. Patience is a virtue, you know.”

Blaine huffed, leaning his head back against the headrest, still looking at Kurt, just watching him drive. 

No, Kurt _didn’t_ look adorable. He looked _breathtaking._ The navy of his perfectly-fitted peacoat was the perfect shade to bring out his eyes, and there wasn’t a hair out of place - it was taller than usual, a bit darker, and it suited him endlessly well. 

He was so different from the boy Blaine had met on the staircase what felt like a lifetime ago. He looked so much younger then, softer around the edges. But Kurt had grown into himself incredibly well, somehow a seamless blend of beauty and _masculinity._

He was _so_ different, but he was still _Kurt._

He still felt like home.

Over the past few weeks, Blaine had come to the slow realization that _yes,_ he wanted to be with Kurt again. His time with Sebastian showed him all too clearly just how badly a relationship could go, and it destroyed him, but Kurt was there to pick up the pieces.

Kurt was _there,_ but he was different in the best way. He seemed so much more _open,_ so _emotional._ He wasn’t as afraid of being vulnerable as he used to be.

Blaine felt he knew better than anyone how difficult it was for Kurt to be vulnerable. After their first breakup, Kurt’s walls had shot up, and Blaine had never managed to bring them back down again. Not fully, anyway.

Not until now.

Blaine hoped he was different, too.

He wanted to be with Kurt again, but _when?_

He _knew_ the move to New York would be hard. The city was familiar in some ways, but he was going to have to navigate NYU completely on his own. 

Was it really the best time to throw a relationship into the mix?

Would they even have a fighting chance?

“Are you staring at me?” Kurt asked playfully, pulling Blaine out of his thoughts. A warmth swelled in Blaine’s belly; it wasn’t embarrassment - not nerves, either, - but something that anchored him, _held_ him, almost. 

He absolutely had been caught staring, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“I, um,” he started, letting out a shy laugh. “Maybe.”

Blaine didn’t look away, though, and Kurt just grinned, and maybe it was just the too-warm car, or maybe it was the fact that they were so well-bundled, but Kurt’s cheeks were suddenly colored pink, too.

Or maybe it was because of Blaine.

He’d count it as a win.

“Well, put those eyes away,” Kurt teased, sparing a glance over at Blaine to roll his eyes fondly. “We’re here.”

Blaine did tear his eyes away from Kurt then to find they were pulling into a parking lot, all twinkling lights and pine trees and Christmas cheer all around.

He knew exactly where they were.

 _“Kurt,”_ he said breathlessly, reaching over to grasp Kurt’s gloved hand in both of his own. “The Auglaize River. You remembered?”

At one time, the tearful promise of ice skating and hot chocolate on the Auglaize River was the only thing that had kept Blaine going. Though their plans had fallen through, they were replaced by ice skating and hot chocolate in _Bryant Park,_ instead, so he couldn’t complain.

But something had seemed so magical, so _mysterious_ about the Auglaize ever since. It felt like what could have been, a missed opportunity, a missed _memory._

But now, there they were.

“Of course I remembered,” Kurt said softly, giving Blaine a sweet, gentle smile that warmed him down to his toes. “I promised, didn’t I? Better late than never.”

_He really remembered._

“Thank you,” he breathed, looking at Kurt in awe for a long moment before leaning forward, awkwardly navigating the console between them to tug him into a one-armed hug.“ _Thank_ you, really… Can we- Can we go?”

Kurt laughed softly as they pulled apart, eyes sparkling brighter than the lights all around them.

“Come on, you. Let’s go.”

Kurt had a feeling Blaine would enjoy ice skating, but he hadn’t realized coming here would mean _so much_ to him. 

But Blaine was absolutely _radiant,_ basking in the holiday cheer with eyes all aglow, and he didn’t stop grinning until the skates were on his feet and he was ready to _fly._

The rink was crowded - a little _too_ crowded for Kurt’s preference, - and it was freezing out, but it didn’t matter. All he could see was Blaine.

Kurt winced as he tugged his own pair of skates on, sticking his tongue out in concentration. He was trying _very_ hard not to think about how many _other_ people had worn these very same skates - others that very same night, even. Did ice skating rinks require health inspections? Should he ask what they used to clean-

 _“Kurt,_ hurry up! We don’t have all night!”

He looked up to find Blaine standing in front of him impatiently, holding out his hand expectantly with an eager grin. He looked like a child, almost, positively carefree and absolutely in the moment.

Kurt _loved_ it.

Skating wasn’t necessarily his thing - he could hold his own, but it took him awhile to find his footing each time. Getting to see Blaine like this, though?

It was worth all of the tripping and stumbling in the world.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he huffed, taking Blaine’s hand and standing up shakily on his skates. He allowed Blaine to pull him over to the ice, and he eyed the rink suspiciously, feet firmly planted on the solid ground.

“Um. Give me a minute?” Kurt asked cautiously. “It’s been a couple years. You go ahead.”

“You got this,” Blaine said sweetly, punctuating it with a gentle squeeze of Kurt’s hand before letting go and taking off onto the ice like it was as easy as breathing.

Blaine looked incredible out there on the rink, gliding in circles and weaving through clusters of shaky kids and their parents. Kurt knew he would be fine out there, too, once he got started.

He just had to take a leap of faith.

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

Kurt tentatively stepped onto the ice, and after a few wobbles, he felt secure enough to start moving. He skated slowly at first, watching as Blaine literally skated in circles around him.

“Show off,” he grumbled, but he couldn’t bite back a grin. 

It could have just been Kurt’s competitive nature, or it could have been the pressing need to stay near Blaine, to keep up with him, but Kurt redoubled his efforts, picking up speed as he began to get into the groove, skating in a wide arc.

Kurt was aware of the cold wind was nipping at his face as he skated, numbing his nose and no doubt reddening his ears. He was aware of the people all around them, of the holiday music crackling through the cheap speakers, of the salty-sweet smells of popcorn and hot chocolate mixing in the air, but it all felt secondary to _Blaine._

 _Blaine,_ who hadn’t stopped smiling since they arrived, who was radiating pure _happiness_ in a way he hadn’t in so long. Blaine, who had so curiously watched Kurt as he drove, who made Kurt feel like the only person in the world with a single glance. 

It was all just _Blaine,_ Blaine everywhere. 

God, Blaine was _everything._

Someone knocked into Kurt’s shoulder, stirring him from his thoughts, and he realized he’d been standing still on the ice, completely _staring_ at Blaine coasted to the other side of the rink, back to Kurt with dozens of people between them.

Kurt had to catch up.

_Do something._

He took off, then, sailing towards Blaine perhaps a little faster than intended, hoping to catch up to surprise him before Blaine turned back around. 

Kurt had almost made it - he was just reaching out to grab Blaine’s shoulder - when his legs suddenly faltered underneath him and he scrambled, waving his arms in an attempt to regain balance for what felt like hours, hoping desperately not to fall, but-

_Shit._

It was too late. 

He was falling, and he was bracing himself, and _ow,_ right on his tailbone. God, the ice was _cold._

Kurt looked pitiful. He knew it. He wasn’t hurt, but his pride was _sorely_ wounded.

But somehow, Blaine hadn’t noticed him yet. Maybe if he got up quickly enough, he could play it off before-

“Kurt! What happened?” 

_Too late._

He looked up to find Blaine skating towards him, clearly holding back a laugh. 

“It’s not funny,” Kurt grumbled, and Blaine _did_ laugh then, but instead of irritating him, the sound was like music to Kurt’s ears. He tried so hard to be angry, to be embarrassed, shooting Blaine the most menacing glare he could muster, but he knew it was half-assed at best. 

Making Blaine laugh like that, the type of laugh that was full and shameless and from his belly, was worth a bruised tailbone, a bruised ego, _anything._

“Here, here. I’m sorry. Want some help up?” 

Blaine presented his gloved hand with a bright smile, laughter subsiding, though the sparkle in his eyes remained. Kurt eyed his hand suspiciously. Was Blaine really well-balanced enough to pull him up? What if they _both_ fell? Kurt refused to drag Blaine down with him, on the ice or otherwise. He could probably manage to do it himself if he just-

 _“Kurt,_ I’ve got you.” Blaine’s voice was softer now, eyes kinder as Kurt looked up at him again. “Trust me.”

The words felt heavier, somehow, and a breath hitched in Kurt’s throat. _Did he trust Blaine?_ Coming back to Ohio and seeing him again, seeing him with _Sebastian,_ had changed everything Kurt thought he knew about him. Blaine going to Sebastian felt like a personal attack, and though Kurt knew it wasn’t like that at all, and Blaine had _come back,_ after all, even as a friend, there were still vulnerable moments when it stung.

Kurt had been single-mindedly working to regain Blaine’s trust, to do everything possible to earn it back, but he needed to trust Blaine, too. 

“I trust you,” he breathed. _In every way._

He took Blaine’s hand, and Blaine pulled him up swiftly, gently reaching with his free arm to hold Kurt’s waist to brace him.

“You okay?” Blaine murmured, looking at him curiously, and he was so _close,_ and Kurt swore he felt the warmth of his hands even through their gloves, even through his coat. 

“I’m okay,” Kurt replied softly, and he meant it.

They stood for a moment, just looking at one another, and the air suddenly felt thick, everything but _Blaine_ fading into the background. 

And then Blaine’s face broke into a new grin, and he let go of Kurt’s waist, pulling him by their still-joined hands to get moving again. 

“Let’s skate!”

Blaine lost track of how many laps they had skated around the rink. He was freezing, and his legs were getting tired, but it didn’t matter, because his face was sore from _smiling_ so much, too.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so _free._

Blaine could have skated forever if it brought the promise of feeling like _this_ , but he knew Kurt’s resolve was fading.

It was time for something new.

As expected, it didn’t take much convincing to pull Kurt off the ice, and they soon found themselves huddled on a bench, back in their normal shoes with cups of hot chocolate warming their numbed hands and thawing them from the inside out.

“It’s so _cold_ out here,” Kurt groaned, glaring down into his cup. “I’m _freezing._ Not everyone’s a human furnace like you, you know.”

Blaine just laughed softly, scooting closer to Kurt without a second thought. 

“It’s not so bad out here,” he chuckled, wrapping his free arm around Kurt, rubbing his side gently. 

It _was_ freezing, but Blaine still didn’t care. Kurt was _there,_ tucked into his side, close enough for Blaine to _smell_ him, warm vanilla and clean lavender and _home._

When Kurt looked up at him from underneath his lashes, a soft smile on his face, Blaine couldn’t look away. He looked so impossibly stunning, cheeks flushed from the cold and nose even redder, eyes still bright but _sweet,_ more intimate, somehow. 

“Beautiful,” he breathed, not realizing he’d even spoken aloud until Kurt inhaled sharply, eyes widening. He hadn’t meant to say it, but there was no part of him that was embarrassed, that wanted to explain it away or take it back.

Blaine felt so _free._

Kids were yelling, and it was crowded, and the hot cocoa was a little too watery and not enough chocolate, but Blaine wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.

Kurt was there, and everything else was faded into the background, fuzzy and unimportant. Nothing else seemed to matter except for Kurt, except for _them,_ but there was still _something_ that was holding Blaine back, something that he couldn’t shake.

Kurt was _so_ important, and Blaine couldn’t bear to lose him again. He couldn’t bear the thought of messing it up, of acting too soon and too quickly and taking it too far. He _knew_ Kurt would respond well. He had made his feelings clearer than ever, but Blaine was still slightly unsure.

He _knew_ he loved Kurt. He knew that Kurt was the _love of his life,_ too, but his feelings were big, and they were scary, especially on top of everything else. Sebastian had _broken_ him, and though he was improving, slowly but surely, was he ready to love again, or would it all go wrong? _Could he handle it either way?_

It should have been the perfect moment to make a move, and it _was,_ but he didn’t quite trust himself. _Not yet._

Blaine suddenly felt Kurt tense beside him.

“Kurt, what-”

“I should have known you’d run back to the _boy toy._ Figures.”

Blaine whipped his head around, his blood running cold as he realized who was standing in front of them.

_No._

He felt instantly frozen, heart pounding in his ears.

It didn’t make _sense_. Why was he there? They were supposed to be _happy_ now. It was all supposed to be _over._ Blaine was supposed to be _free._

_Why?_

“I don’t think you’re one to judge someone’s character, _Sebastian,”_ Kurt snapped from beside him. He sounded strong, but Blaine could feel Kurt trembling under his arm. _Was he angry? Was he afraid?_

_Snap out of it._

Blaine took a shaky breath, attempting to center himself, but it didn’t work. _Why wasn’t it working?_

“Hmm, bitchier than ever, I see,” Sebastian bit back, sneering at Kurt in a way that made Blaine’s blood boil, finally snapping him out of his paralysis.

The last time he saw Sebastian, Sebastian had _hit_ him. If he was capable of hitting his boyfriend, the person he supposedly _loved,_ what else was he capable of?

What was he capable of with someone who he so clearly _hated?_

He couldn’t find out. He _couldn’t._

_Do something._

“Don’t _talk_ to him like that,” Blaine growled, acting on pure adrenaline as he stood up, instantly moving to stand between Sebastian and Kurt, providing a barrier _just in case._

Glaring at Sebastian, completely unwavering, Blaine didn’t miss the way Sebastian’s eyes widened for a moment, confidence shaken, but his god-awful smirk was back almost instantly.

“So, I see _your_ snarky mouth hasn’t changed, either,” Sebastian said dryly, rolling his eyes. “Too bad we all know you’re such a _coward_. It won’t be long before Bitchface gets bored with you again, and you’ll come crawling back to-”

“You know what you are, Sebastian?” Blaine snapped, effectively cutting him off. His heart was racing, adrenaline coursing through him, but he felt endlessly protective of Kurt, he felt _strong,_ he felt _invincible._ “You’re an _asshole._ You’re an asshole, and you’re not worth this. _Any_ of this.”

Blaine was _done._ He was done with the conversation, done with the hold Sebastian had over him, done with his _fear._

“Now if you’ll excuse us,” he said lowly, taking a small step closer to Sebastian. “Kurt and I are trying to _enjoy_ ourselves. We don’t have any _time_ for- for _abusers.”_

He took one look back to see Kurt was standing now, too, before taking off, not knowing where he was going but just needing to _go,_ to get _away,_ to get Kurt somewhere _safe. Get away from Sebastian. Get away. Get Kurt away._

It wasn’t until Kurt caught up with him, grabbing his arm gently, that Blaine realized they were out in the parking lot, already by Kurt’s car, and his breathing was ragged, his hands clenched into fists, his entire body thrumming with tension and adrenaline.

 _“Blaine._ Slow down. _Please._ It’s okay,” Kurt said frantically, and Blaine stopped, staring wide-eyed at Kurt.

He flinched as Kurt reached to hold him by both shoulders, but he instantly relaxed, gasping a shallow breath.

_Kurt. It was just Kurt._

“We’re okay,” Kurt murmured shakily. “You’re okay. I’m okay.”

 _Were_ they?

They had been so happy, without a care in the world, and then _Sebastian_ came out of nowhere. 

Sebastian, who had controlled him, who had made his life a living hell, who still _scared_ him.

Sebastian, who had _abused_ him.

Blaine had never said it out loud before. He had never fully _admitted_ it to himself - not after weeks of therapy, after so much _time_ spent processing their relationship and where it went wrong. He didn’t _want_ to admit it. How was _Blaine Anderson_ capable of being abused? How did that make him anything other than _weak?_

But he said it.

He blurted it out, _right to Sebastian’s face._

The second he did, he knew it was true. Sebastian _had_ abused him, and it wasn’t Blaine’s fault at all. Suddenly, he _knew_ it didn’t mean he was weak. Not at all.

No, it made him _strong._

“Blaine? You with me?” Kurt prompted gently, finally beginning to pull Blaine out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah,” he breathed, slowly smiling because _yes._ He was with Kurt, and Kurt was _there,_ and they were _safe,_ and Blaine was _strong._ “I’m okay.”

“You did so well,” Kurt said softly, pulling him into a hug, and Blaine completely _melted_ against him, his adrenaline fading into something more manageable, his breathing evening out. “I’m so proud of you.”

_You did so well._

Blaine hadn’t thought twice about it. His instincts had screamed at him to protect, to _defend_ Kurt, and he did so without question. 

Sebastian still terrified him, but the idea of seeing Kurt on the receiving end was infinitely worse.

He would do _anything_ for Kurt.

And Kurt was _proud_ of him for it.

If he was strong enough to confront Sebastian, surely he was strong enough to handle moving to New York, to handle starting over at a new school, to handle-

To handle being with _Kurt._

Blaine pulled back slightly to look at Kurt, eyes locked on him carefully, looking for any kind of sign as he slowly crowded Kurt back against his car.

It was quiet in the parking lot, the sounds of music and laughter and cheer from the rink faded into the background, fairy lights somewhat obscured by the surrounding trees. They were standing so close together, closer than they had in weeks, close enough for Blaine to hear Kurt breathing shallowly, for Blaine to see the look in his eyes change from confusion and shock to something calmer, more complex. _Expecting,_ almost.

There wasn’t a doubt in Blaine’s mind as he closed the distance, finally, _finally_ pressing his lips to Kurt’s.

The kiss was gentle at first, tender but insistent, but when Kurt gasped softly, Blaine couldn’t help but deepen it, holding him closer. _Nothing_ could compare to this - not the kiss in the elevator, the kiss at Rachel’s party, the almost-kiss in the woods at Dalton. Nothing felt as _right_ as this, and as Kurt reached up to thread his fingers through the back of Blaine’s hair, Blaine _knew_ he was finally ready. He was ready to start over, to leave the past behind. He was ready for _all of it._

He felt strong standing up to Sebastian, but kissing Kurt made him feel entirely _fearless._

“Blaine,” Kurt breathed out against his lips, breaking away briefly. “A-Are you sure?”

 _“God,_ Kurt,” Blaine sighed, pressing two firmer, more chaste kisses to his mouth before pulling back, leaning their foreheads together. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything.”

Apparently that was all Kurt needed to hear, because suddenly they were kissing again, and Kurt was clutching him infinitely closer still, and the rest of the world faded away entirely, leaving nothing but _Kurt_.

Kurt tasted like cocoa and something sweeter that was simply _him,_ and Blaine wanted to drink him in, wanted to find a way to absorb him completely because he could _never_ get enough. Blaine’s entire body was thrumming with energy again, just as fiery but _pleasant_ this time, warming him from head to toe as he reached up to cup Kurt’s face in his hands, their lips moving together seamlessly.

It was so familiar, like coming home, but it felt _new_ somehow, too, like Blaine had never fully _appreciated_ it before, like he was finally coming _alive_ again. He groaned softly in the back of his throat as Kurt gently sucked at his bottom lip before they slowly broke apart, both breathing raggedly. 

“You’re really sure,” Kurt whispered again, more of a statement than a question.

 _“Yes,_ Kurt, I-” Blaine began, pulling away slightly to bring himself back to reality, to gather his thoughts, to look Kurt in the eyes and make himself clear under no uncertain terms. “We said when we were ready- When _I_ was ready, we would try again...”

Kurt still looked doubtful, and Blaine paused, stroking his thumb over Kurt’s cheek gently, giving him a small, reassuring smile.

“I-I’ve known for awhile that I wanted to be with you again, Kurt. I think I knew before I was ready to admit it to myself, but… I needed to know I could _handle_ it, too. What I feel for you… I-It’s big, and it’s _incredible,_ but it’s _consuming,_ you know? I-I needed to feel strong enough to be able to be yours again while still being _myself,_ too.”

Kurt let out a shaky breath, and Blaine leaned in to press another soft, brief kiss to his lips before continuing.

“Standing up to Sebastian like that… I-I don’t know what came over me, but I don’t think I’ve _ever_ felt so strong,” he admitted softly, closing his eyes briefly as he felt Kurt’s fingers stroke the nape of his neck in what felt like quiet reassurance, wordless support. “At least not until _right now._ I just… We’ll need to take it slow, but- um. I want to be with you again, Kurt. I-If _you_ want _me.”_

Finally - _finally -_ Kurt smiled, eyes shining, and he leaned forward to kiss Blaine gently once, twice, three times, lingering briefly on a fourth before pulling away, sliding his hands down to twine their gloved fingers together.

“You know I do,” he said breathlessly, and as he closed the gap between them again, Blaine felt invincible.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the wonderful comments on the last chapter! we hope you're all happy!
> 
> a bit of housekeeping: just a note that I (dizzywhiz) am going to be out of town for the next week or so, meaning that unfortunately you'll have to expect a longer wait until the next chapter. 
> 
> we're also coming to the end - just a couple more chapters left to go. :-)

After getting back together with Kurt, after _finally_ taking the leap, Blaine didn’t feel like a whole new man. He didn’t feel instantly happy-go-lucky, and he didn’t feel like his world was turned upside down. He didn’t feel like he had finally found his purpose in life, or like he had found his fairytale happy ending.

It wasn’t all-consuming, but Blaine didn’t want it to be.

No, instead, it was something much more subtle, something much _better_. It was the smallest shift in his mind, a piece of the puzzle sliding into place and making colors seem a little brighter, making music just a little sweeter, not drastically in the slightest but just _enough_ to tell the difference.

The fire in their reunion kiss had lulled to an ever-present warmth that rested deep in his bones. It was a calm that settled over him, leaving no doubt in his mind that the risk had paid off, that it was _right._

They had become so close in the past few months that there wasn’t even much that changed after getting back together, not really. Brief, stolen touches turned into more purposeful ones that lingered, and there was kissing, of course, but they were moving slowly. Back when they were engaged, their relationship had become so _driven_ by physical intimacy, replacing communication and emotional connection almost entirely with sex.

When things were at their worst, sex had become their fallback, the only way they _could_ connect and express themselves, and neither Kurt nor Blaine wanted that to happen again.

And so they decided to take it slow, making the effort to communicate in other ways, to get to know one another as partners, to get to know their _relationship_ all over again. Besides, the ability to be physically affectionate felt secondary to the fact that Blaine was finally _accepting_ his feelings for Kurt, trusting in them and believing in himself enough to not make a mess of it all.

_Not this time._

Not much had changed, at least not physically - not _yet,_ anyway, - and although Blaine was _so_ attracted to Kurt, it still felt like a little too much, a little too soon, especially after Sebastian. 

In a way, the remaining weeks of winter break reminded him of the earliest days of their relationship, when he navigated how to be a boyfriend, how to be _Kurt’s_ boyfriend, all within the safe confines of Dalton. It had been so light, so _easy_ then. 

Although things were so much different now, with years of history between them, there _was_ still that certain quality of lightness that made Blaine feel strong _,_ feel _capable._

It was enough to make it a little easier to envision his future, to envision his move back to the city. There were so many unknown variables, and there was nothing he could truly guarantee, but now he had _Kurt._ He had Kurt officially as his partner again, as his champion, and it felt like _one_ thing he could count on.

It was enough to make it a little easier to _hope,_ to consider dates in Central Park and dinners cooked with ingredients from the nearby farmers’ markets and outings to Broadway shows whenever they could swing them.

But all of his planning and hoping and _daydreaming_ for New York, he hadn’t quite considered what it would be like to be there _without_ Kurt.

They had known for a while that their schedules just didn’t _quite_ sync up, and they knew Blaine was going to have to fly into the city for his strictly-set date to move into his dorm room a few days before Kurt could make it in. 

At the time, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal. Kurt felt guilty about it, but Blaine was quick to reassure him. It was just a couple of days. Blaine would use the time to unpack and get settled, and he would walk around and familiarize himself with the NYU campus, locate all of his classes and try to meet a few new people.

It was just a couple days, and Blaine would use them to establish himself a little bit, to ease himself into his _own_ version of the city. Then Kurt would arrive, and they would find their footing as a couple, too.

It was just a couple days. It would be easy.

Almost the moment Blaine landed in New York, he realized just how _difficult_ it would be. Although he had frequently navigated the city alone, he had never _been there_ entirely on his own. Kurt was always there, their friends were always there, even the small network he had built through June Dollaway and at NYADA was always there.

But moving back to Ohio had effectively wiped the slate clean, leaving Blaine without anyone in the city.

It was almost like he had forgotten how to _be_ there, too.

He was rusty at hailing a cab, and he had trouble managing all of his luggage on his own. He hadn’t ever visited the NYU campus, and it was already dark out, so he struggled with directing the cab driver to the right dorm, making him all the more flustered as he fumbled through the check-in process. 

When Blaine _finally_ had his key, he found his dorm room was tiny - much too small for two people, - and his roommate’s side was a mess, and it _smelled,_ making the shitty meal he had scarfed down in the airport turn in his stomach. He had been hoping to _meet_ his roommate, at least, but he was nowhere to be found. He had forgotten which suitcase contained his bedding, and the mattress was too flat and plasticky and _old_ for him to even consider laying on it bare, even though all he wanted was to take a nap.

He was _tired._

He missed Kurt.

He _shouldn’t_ miss Kurt. It was just a couple days, and then Kurt would be there. Blaine needed to make the most if it. He needed to establish himself, to begin to adjust, to find where _he_ fit in the context of the city, in the context of the school.

It was just a couple days, and he _needed_ it.

_Why was it already so hard?_

Blaine sighed heavily, giving into his exhaustion and sinking onto the bed - _his_ bed for the foreseeable future. _God,_ it was uncomfortable. He knew it would help to unpack, to make his side of the room _his,_ but he couldn’t muster the energy to even truly consider doing it. It felt so overwhelming, so _daunting._

So instead, Blaine just laid there, trying not to think about how dirty the mattress must be or how lonely he was or anything at all, until his phone vibrated and he realized he had forgotten to tell Kurt he made it in.

_Shit._

**From Kurt:** Hey, city boy. Did you make it there safely? 

He found himself staring at the message for a long moment, taking a long, shaky breath as he reread it.

_City boy._

Blaine was _there._ He was _in the city._ He had made it.

He was _physically_ there, but he felt like he was floundering. There was so much to do, so much unfamiliarity, and he had to figure out how to fill an entire week with nothing at all before classes started up.

Surely starting classes would help him establish a routine. Surely that would make everything feel _better._

_Right?_

This was what he wanted, after all, from the city to the school to the cramped dorm room. This is what he had been working towards, and he should be _happy._

_Why wasn’t he happy?_

**From Blaine:** Yeah, I’m here. 

He hesitated briefly, debating whether to say anything more, whether to let himself be open and vulnerable the way he wanted to be. He felt embarrassed for feeling so overwhelmed and lost and _alone,_ but this was _Kurt._

_Let him in._

**From Blaine:** It was kind of crazy getting in. My room is really small. 

_Understatement. Understatement._

**From Blaine:** I miss you.

_Understatement._

Blaine took a shaky breath, willing away the tears that prickled in his eyes. As much as he had always dreamed of living in New York, the city had always felt like _theirs._ Being there without Kurt at all felt wrong, like a dull, throbbing ache in his chest. Admitting it felt pathetic, but it was true all the same.

_It was just a couple days._

Though it had only been a minute, two at most, the phone vibrating in Blaine’s hand startled him.

 **From Kurt:** Oh, honey. Are you settled for the night? Want me to call?

 _Yes,_ Blaine wanted Kurt to call. _Needed_ him to, even.

But no, he wasn’t settled. Not yet.

Blaine sat up, wincing at the already-present crick in his neck and forcing himself to take in the reality of his surroundings, the reality of everything he needed to do to _get_ settled. All of his belongings were still packed away, his wallet was still in his pocket, and his _shoes_ were still on, even. 

He felt like a mess, and he had no idea where to start to change that. It was like he was floating, every task and chore and idea just slightly out of reach. Even from hundreds of miles away, it was like Kurt was the only thing that could ground him.

 **From Blaine:** I have way too much to do. No idea where to start.

_Help me. I miss you. I wish you were here._

**From Kurt:** What if you just got your bed made and set out whatever you need for the morning? Then call me?

Blaine read over the message a few times before closing his eyes, taking a long, cleansing breath that finally began to calm him. Written out like that, it didn’t seem so bad. He just needed to make his bed and pull out his toiletries and a change of clothes. 

Just a couple simple tasks.

His phone buzzed again.

 **From Kurt:** Your bedding should be in the blue suitcase. I think we put your toiletries and pajamas in your carry on, right?

Even from hundreds of miles away, it was like Kurt had read his mind.

When Blaine pocketed his phone, he realized he was smiling, small but genuine. It was his first real smile since landing in New York - no, since leaving Ohio, since kissing Kurt goodbye in the car.

Blaine didn’t want to be reliant on Kurt for his happiness, and in many ways, he didn’t feel as at risk of it as he once was. But just knowing he was _there_ was like a warmth that settled in his bones, that helped things begin to shift into place and helped the fog in his mind begin to clear as he got to work. 

His bedding was in the blue suitcase, just like Kurt had said. Blaine focused on the details of the task - _unfold, tuck in the fitted sheet, smooth the comforter, fluff the pillows, -_ allowing the monotony to soothe him, and it helped. His side of the room instantly looked more like _him,_ more like _Blaine’s._ The bed was the forced focal point, and once it was a little less industrial and a _little_ more cozy, Blaine began to feel like it could work.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

Organizing his toiletries in the small en-suite bathroom came easily, as there was plenty of spare room, though he winced at the toothpaste-splattered mirror and grime around the sink and shower. Blaine knew next to nothing about his roommate - not even his name, - but he was quickly coming to realize that he was messy, and that scared him.

Blaine was neat at best, admittedly a bit of a clean freak at worst. Living with Kurt had been a dream in many ways, but they had several fights about leaving dishes in the sink, leaving dirty towels on the rack...

He knew he had initiated all of them, and it all felt so silly now, so arbitrary. After everything he had been through in the past months, he couldn’t imagine arguing with Kurt over something so _petty_ as wiping his mouth on a hand towel.

_Never again._

But living with a random roommate was different. It wasn’t a partnership, and they weren’t attempting to build a life together. He could _be_ annoyed, and it would be justified. 

Looking at his tired reflection in the mirror, Blaine decided it still wasn’t worth the fight. He would keep the bathroom clean, and he would keep his head down, and maybe, whenever his roommate did show up, they could be friends.

_Maybe._

The only thing left to do was change into pajamas, and when Blaine pulled a shirt out of his carry-on that he hadn’t remembered packing, he unfolded it curiously. 

It was Kurt’s favorite well-worn Hummel's Tires & Lube tee, a note carefully pinned to it.

_Thought you might be able to use this. Love, Kurt_

Instantly, Blaine hugged the shirt close to his chest with a watery laugh, inhaling the scent of muted vanilla and clean laundry detergent and _Kurt,_ and it warmed him all the way down to his toes and settled deep in his lungs.

Even from hundreds of miles away, it was like a piece of Kurt was with him.

It was like Kurt knew exactly what he needed.

Blaine was changed and tucked into bed in what felt like a single fluid motion, wholeheartedly focused on the idea of _Kurt,_ of hearing his voice and breathing him in and sinking into the feeling of being emotionally _held_ by him for the rest of the night. Sure, they had seen each other that very morning, but it didn’t matter. Just _knowing_ they were so far apart was enough for Blaine to ache for as much of Kurt as he could get.

And then his number was dialed, and the phone was ringing, and Kurt was _answering._

“Hi there,” came Kurt’s voice, silky smooth and warm and clear and _right_ _there,_ right in his ear.

 _“Kurt,_ the shirt,” Blaine breathed out, overcome by the intensity of the emotions that washed over him, a stark contrast to the hopelessness he had felt just an hour or two earlier. “I… How did you...”

He heard Kurt hum softly on the other end, and Blaine could tell he was smiling.

“I still felt bad that I couldn’t fly in with you,” he began. “I know you said it was okay, and it _is_ just a couple days, but… it feels like more than that. This is a big deal for you, Blaine, and I guess if I couldn’t be there with you, I wanted you to have _some_ part of me. A-A physical reminder, at least.”

“I really needed that,” Blaine said, voice small. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, honey,” Kurt murmured. Blaine’s heart fluttered at the term of endearment, unable to help but smile.“Do you want to talk about anything?”

He sighed heavily, taking a moment to consider.

_Do you want to talk about anything?_

There was the mountain of luggage, the potential issues with his missing-in-action roommate, a huge campus to explore and classes to find. There was an endless list of things to talk about, of things to _worry_ about, of things to question.

Laying in the dark with Kurt’s voice in his ear, it all felt so trivial.

“I’m okay,” he said softly, and he meant it.

Kurt was _so incredibly_ ready to be back in New York.

He hadn’t longed for the city so desperately since his very first visit, but in the days leading up to his return, he positively _ached_ for it. He missed the fast pace that pushed him to keep up, the high bar that forced him to _reach higher,_ the constant steady thrum of energy at all hours of the day and night that made him feel _alive._ He missed being surrounded by creative people, by culture, by music and fashion and _excitement._

A lot of it, too, was knowing that _Blaine_ was there. Blaine was in New York, and Blaine was ready for them to be there _together._ In a way, that gave Kurt the permission to be excited, the permission to look _forward_ to returning to his routine in the city and adjusting it to fit his new life, his new relationship, his new sense of _self._

Kurt was ready.

He was _impatient._

His last two days in Ohio seemed to last a lifetime, and he busied himself by making plans with Blaine for their first day _together again_ in the city. 

He was scheduled to land in New York late Saturday morning, and then he would quickly get settled and freshen up at his apartment. Blaine would pick him up, and then they would go for lunch at the little cafe around the corner with the paninis that Kurt had been craving for weeks. They would catch the afternoon matinee for an off-off-Broadway play they were both interested in, and then they would visit their old favorite bakery and inevitably break down the staging and costuming and directorial choices over coffee and cheesecake, just like they always did.

It would be the perfect return to the city. 

The perfect return to _Blaine._

They had been in near constant communication in the few days since Blaine had moved. Kurt had seen pictures of Blaine’s dorm room, of the NYU campus, of the outsides of buildings where Blaine’s classes would be held. He had heard all about Blaine’s roommate, a typically abrasive jock type that grunted one-word answers and spent most of his time out of their room, a far cry from the potential friend Blaine had hoped for. He knew Blaine was beginning to feel settled, yet nervous, and he knew just how excited Blaine was to see him.

The only way Kurt could have known more about Blaine’s week is if he had physically _been there,_ but he wasn’t.

So he missed Blaine all the same.

Kurt had never enjoyed flying - too cramped quarters with too many entitled and potentially germ-ridden people for his liking - but he was in a particularly good mood as he found his seat, sneaking in a few last minute texts as the rest of the plane boarded.

 **From Blaine:** So excited for the show later. I have a feeling this director might be the next big thing, do you think? 

**From Blaine:** Even more excited to see you though. Soon!!

Biting his lip to keep from smiling at his screen, Kurt felt his heart flutter in his chest. It felt silly, in a way, to be so affected by something so simple after all that they had been through. 

Another part of him wondered if they _deserved_ to revel in the simplicity, in the fact that something so sweet and light still existed between them.

 **From Kurt:** I’ve got a pretty good feeling. 

_About the show. About you. About everything._

**From Kurt:** Better go into airplane mode. I’ll text you when I land, okay? I love you.

 **From Blaine:** Be safe <3

Kurt had promised to make his feelings for Blaine clear under no uncertain terms, though Blaine hadn’t said he loved him back yet, Kurt didn’t mind. He had nothing to hide, nothing to hold back anymore, and he was fully aware of everything Blaine was still working through. As long as Blaine felt loved, Kurt was okay.

_More than okay._

He thumbed over the heart emoji on his screen a few times before pocketing his phone, taking a deep breath as he settled in for his flight. 

It was all downhill from there.

There was a screaming baby behind him and an angry toddler in front of him, and the person next to him kept sneezing and - oh god, they looked _clammy._ The turbulence was rough, and he couldn’t get comfortable, and he had a huge headache by the end of it. 

Once they finally landed, the plane had to idle for nearly an hour before pulling into the terminal, and people were complaining, and babies were crying, and his head was _pounding._

The only thing keeping him from completely losing his mind was _Blaine._

Blaine wrapping his arms around him, Blaine holding him warm and close, Blaine kissing him and smiling at him and making it all _better._

If Kurt made it there alive.

It was nearly one o’clock by the time Kurt _finally_ stumbled into his apartment, and he felt like he was caught in a tornado. He needed to change, and he _really_ needed to shower, and he had so much to unpack and clean and _fix._

He felt like he didn’t even have time to breathe.

There was no way they had time for lunch if they wanted to make the show, and Kurt _knew_ how much Blaine was looking forward to it. He had been raving about it for days, and with how excited and nervous Blaine was about being back in the city, Kurt wasn’t about to make them miss it. He wouldn’t let Blaine down. He _couldn’t._

_Never again._

And so Kurt scrambled to get ready, quickly unpacking what he needed before going through the motions of a quick shower and attempting to re-style his hair and brush his teeth and shave and moisturize and change into a presentable outfit worthy of the city and _fix his headache and wake up and make himself happy,_ all before Blaine arrived.

He was halfway through his abbreviated skincare routine, wearing only black jeans and an undershirt, when there was a knock at his door.

_Blaine._

Relief washed over Kurt instantly, the rest of the world and _everything_ fading into the background because Blaine was _there, finally,_ but-

_No._

Kurt wasn’t ready.

He wasn’t dressed. His hair wasn’t fixed. He _wasn’t_ _ready._

But Blaine was there regardless.

With a huff, Kurt hurried to the door, pulling it open and _there he was._

_Blaine._

The rest of the world faded into the background again, but this time, it stayed that way.

“Hi,” Blaine said sweetly, pulling something out from behind his back, but Kurt didn’t have half a mind to reply or care or do _anything_ other than wrap his arms around Blaine and pull him close and _drink him in._

So that was what he did.

He vaguely registered the sound of Blaine letting out a quiet _oof,_ the sound of crinkling plastic, but it didn’t matter. Blaine was warm and real and _there,_ and Kurt could breathe again.

“You okay?” Blaine asked softly right in his ear, voice like honey, and Kurt melted.

“Just a bad flight,” he murmured into the crook of Blaine’s neck, tucking his head in further to press a soft kiss there. “We had to wait for way too long. It was running way behind, and-”

_They were running late._

Kurt cut himself off with a sharp inhale, coming back to the reality that they were _late,_ they had places to be, and he was half-dressed and his hair was limp and _they were so so late._

“We’re late,” he blurted out, pulling back from Blaine and running his hand through his hair. “We need to hurry… I-I just need to fix my hair and-”

 _“Kurt,”_ Blaine interjected, a fond smile on his face and a certain softness in his eyes that just _confused_ Kurt. _Why didn’t he look stressed?_

He shifted them inside, placing - _oh -_ a bouquet of flowers on the counter before turning back to Kurt. Blaine tugged him close again, despite Kurt’s protests, and kissed him, long and slow and tender in a way that made Kurt’s toes curl against the hardwood floor and forced him to relax. 

“No big deal,” Blaine whispered as their kiss broke, breath warm and sweet against Kurt’s lips. “There will be other shows, you know.”

Kurt frowned, pulling away just enough to look at Blaine, trying to find something in his eyes, some hint that Blaine was disappointed, but there was nothing.

“I thought you were excited to go?” he asked, unable to help reaching up to brush his thumb over Blaine’s cheek, reveling in the way Blaine leaned into his touch, the way his eyelashes fluttered.

“Excited to see you more than anything.” Blaine shrugged, smiling sweetly as he pressed a kiss to each corner of Kurt’s mouth. “Don’t you know that?”

Blaine acted like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but Kurt still didn’t _get_ it. 

They had been so looking forward to kicking off their lives in the city with the _perfect_ date, and Blaine had felt so lonely and bored by himself, and _Kurt_ had felt so lonely and bored back in Ohio, and now Blaine was just...okay with being late?

In fact, they were _so_ late that Kurt feared they were nearly past the point of no return.

They _really_ needed to leave.

“But… The corner cafe, the paninis, the- the show, the coffee…” 

Blaine just smiled, shaking his head as he rubbed slowly up and down Kurt’s sides.

“It’s _fine,_ Kurt,” he insisted. “You’re tired. Let’s just stay in.” 

Kurt took a deep breath - his first, really, since landing in the city - and thought for a moment.

_Let’s just stay in._

It sounded tempting. Curling up with Blaine on the couch, getting reacquainted with the apartment and with each other, ordering in some overpriced takeout and _relaxing._

It sounded _perfect,_ in fact.

 _No._ It wasn’t what Blaine had been so excited about, what Blaine had been wanting. It wasn’t what he had _promised_ Blaine.

It would be selfish of Kurt to change their plans, to make them stay home. He wouldn’t set a precedent of changing their plans on his account, of disappointing Blaine all over again. He _couldn’t._

“Blaine, I _know_ you were looking forward to this,” he sighed. “You- I _promised_ you. I promised to take you out, and you even- you brought me _flowers,_ and I can’t show up here and...and immediately start letting you down.”

Kurt’s shoulders slumped at the admission, and he allowed Blaine to pull him into another embrace, feeling too utterly disappointed in himself to fight it.

“Breathe, baby,” Blaine murmured soothingly into his ear, using the pet name he only ever pulled out in their most intimate moments, the pet name he hadn’t used yet, not since getting back together. It was exactly what Kurt needed. He couldn’t help but deflate, finally taking a series of slow, calming breaths as he tucked his head back into Blaine’s neck. “You aren’t letting me down.”

Blaine pulled back slightly, moving his hands up to Kurt’s shoulders, looking at him seriously. 

“I was looking forward to seeing _you._ And here you are,” he said simply, and Kurt finally believed him. 

“Thank you,” Kurt sighed, the tension beginning to melt from his body, leaving sheer _exhaustion_ behind. “I’m...really tired.”

Blaine nodded, leaning in to kiss him gently once, twice, three times. 

“We’ll stay in,” he decided, reaching up to stroke through Kurt’s damp hair. “The cafe, the play...it’ll all still be there later. Right now-” He paused, locking eyes with Kurt and giving him a sweet smile. “-all _I_ want to do is give _you_ a back rub.”

_Oh._

Kurt lifted his eyebrows in surprise, looking at Blaine carefully. 

_A back rub._

It would be a big step for them - though not strictly sexual in nature, it would be the most intimate _physical_ thing they had shared since reconnecting. 

Kurt refused to fall back into the habit of using physical intimacy as a crutch, but he knew it wasn’t healthy to avoid it, either. 

Besides, a back rub sounded _perfect._  
  
_Take the leap._

“I can’t say no to that,” Kurt relented with a sweet smile, kissing Blaine soundly before pulling away, only to grab his hand to tug him into the bedroom.

All Blaine had needed was a single look at Kurt to know that they were _not_ leaving the apartment for a long time, not for a date or otherwise.

He looked completely _exhausted,_ masking it with _go go go_ energy, but Blaine saw right through him.

Sure, he _had_ been looking forward to the show, but it was okay. Walking into Kurt’s bedroom, he instantly knew there was no place he would have rather been. Kurt had taken such good care of Blaine for weeks now, for _longer,_ helping him through everything with Sebastian and _more_ and being endlessly patient as Blaine found himself again.

It was time to return the favor. 

“You should lay down,” he directed, giving Kurt’s hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. “A-And um. Take off your shirt?”

The situation wasn’t new for them, but it _felt_ new for _this_ _iteration_ of Kurt-and-Blaine. _Everything_ felt new, like he was getting to know Kurt as a partner all over again, like he was figuring out how to _be_ a partner all over again, too. They were so different now, both separately and together, but he hoped it meant they were growing.

All the same, the newness made Blaine feel nervous. This was him taking a chance, moving their relationship forward, putting trust in himself and in Kurt to _handle_ it.

If the small, almost timid smile on Kurt’s face was any indication, he was nervous, too.

Kurt pulled his shirt off and sunk into the bed face-down in a fluid motion, instantly letting out a long, heavy sigh. Blaine could practically _see_ him melting, becoming one with the comforter and the pillows.

“Missed this bed,” Kurt mumbled into the pillow, and Blaine laughed fondly before climbing onto the bed, too.

He took a deep breath before carefully positioning himself, straddling Kurt and settling on the back of his thighs. 

“This okay?” he asked softly, bending down over Kurt to press a soft kiss to the shell of his ear.

Blaine wasn’t sure of the answer himself. It had been _so_ long since he had been this intimate with someone else - even longer since he had been the one in _control._ Though Sebastian had pushed for sex in the beginning of their relationship, Blaine had resisted. He hadn’t been _ready,_ and it just never felt _right._

Of course, it turned out to be an even better decision than he could have known at the time. He was glad there was still a piece of himself that Sebastian had never gotten hold of, a piece that hadn’t been tainted or _broken._

But it was a piece of him he had repressed all the same, and now, being back with Kurt, the idea of reclaiming it terrified him and made his heart swell all at once. 

“So okay,” Kurt breathed, and Blaine decided he agreed.

Laying his hands on Kurt’s upper back, feeling the smoothness of his skin underneath his fingertips as he began to gently knead at the muscles there, Blaine couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so physically-emotionally-mentally _close_ to someone. 

He _wanted_ this back.

After a few moments of aimless rubbing, kneading, covering the expanse of Kurt’s back, Blaine’s muscle memory began to kick in. He remembered the way Kurt liked it when he dug his thumbs in a little harder to rub at the base of his neck. He remembered to avoid his sides over his ribs, because Kurt was ticklish there regardless of how light or firm his touch was. He remembered how working his fingertips down Kurt’s spine and back up again made him completely _melt,_ and he remembered how Kurt liked _just_ a bit of extra pressure at his lower back.

When Kurt let out a soft moan as he pressed into the dimples _just_ above the waistline of his jeans, well, Blaine found he remembered the noises Kurt made, and he suddenly remembered the way they turned him on, too.

_Wow._

“Feel good?” he murmured, slightly taken aback at the _lowness_ of his own voice. 

_“Better_ than good,” Kurt groaned, voice breathy and high and _distant_ somehow, a stark contrast to Blaine’s. “Can you go a little- _oh,_ yep. _Mmm_...that’s it…”

Blaine bit his lip to swallow a noise of his own, fighting back his arousal and the increasing temptation to lean forward, to slot his hips against the swell of Kurt’s ass.

He wanted it back - _god,_ he did. He wanted all of it back and _more,_ but it still felt like too much, too soon.

_Not yet._

Instead, Blaine focused on feeling the tension in Kurt’s muscles - there was a lot of it, he noted - and made it his mission to relieve it. He forced himself to focus on _press in, rub, massage_ instead of the softness of Kurt’s skin, cool but warming under his touch, the sounds of the breathy noises he kept making, the firm, steadfast presence of his body underneath Blaine’s.

Kurt was impossibly beautiful like this, vulnerable and open and utterly _relaxed,_ and Blaine couldn’t get enough.

It could have been minutes or hours or _longer_ by the time Blaine eased off the pressure of his movements, eventually just ghosting light touches over Kurt’s back. 

Time had become unnecessary, entirely elastic and meaningless all at once.

Blaine leaned over Kurt’s body to press a series of gentle kisses across his shoulders, up his neck and behind each ear. He smiled as Kurt hummed in response, his own body radiating with warmth and contentment and _love._

And then Kurt was turning over underneath him, eyes half-lidded and heavy and full of something Blaine couldn’t quite put his finger on. Then Kurt’s arms were around his neck, pulling him down and into a kiss full of passion and hunger and _more,_ and Blaine knew exactly what it was.

He was surprised, but he melted into the kiss instantly, hands coming to press onto the bed on either side of Kurt’s head, holding himself up as he gladly relinquished control, allowing Kurt to work his mouth open. 

“Felt so good,” Kurt breathed raggedly before sucking Blaine’s bottom lip into his mouth, nipping gently. “You’re so good to me.”

Blaine let out a low moan in the back of his throat, shifting onto his elbows to get closer, to thread his fingers of one hand in Kurt’s hair and cup his face with the other as they continued to kiss.

It was hot, and it was passionate, and it was heavy, but it wasn’t hurried - in fact, they moved slowly, giving Blaine all the time in the world to drink Kurt in, to let the rest of the world fall away, to allow Kurt to consume him, to feel Kurt swirling in his mind and tender in his hands and warm against his mouth and solid beneath him and resting deep in his heart and coiling low in his belly, absolutely _everywhere._

Slowly, Kurt’s arms slid from around Blaine’s neck to his hips, and Blaine broke away to kiss along Kurt’s jaw and down his neck, mouthing at the sensitive spot under his ear and sucking a light mark there. 

And then Blaine was moving, shifting his knee between Kurt’s legs and lowering himself down, pressing their bodies together and slotting their hips together and _god,_ Kurt was hard against him, and Blaine hadn’t realized how much of an _effect_ the massage had had on him.

Blaine hadn’t expected this so soon - in fact, it truly hadn’t been on his radar, - but in the moment, it felt so _good,_ and it felt so _right,_ and he felt so sexy and confident and _wanted._

He kissed along Kurt’s neck again, nipping at his Adam’s apple and _feeling_ the vibration of Kurt’s moan, echoing with one of his own as he rocked his hips down slightly, giving into the pressing need for _more._ Blaine leaned up to kiss him fully then, wasting no time licking into Kurt’s mouth and tightening his grip in his hair as they began moving together.

Blaine was far from inexperienced at sex - in fact, there was a time that he and Kurt knew exactly how to get each other off, exactly what each other liked, a magic formula that worked every single time. They had done so _much_ together, _so many_ times, but somehow, just being there on top of Kurt, just making out, really, felt like _more_ than anything he had ever experienced.

He was feeling Kurt all over in ways he once thought he never would again, and even just beginning to get to know his body again was enough to blow anything and everything else out of the water.

“Blaine,” Kurt panted brokenly into his mouth, squeezing his hips. _“Blaine- mm,_ we should- we should stop.”

_Stop?_

_Why?_

Blaine slowly pulled away after a series of softening kisses, easing himself out of it before looking down at Kurt, breathing raggedly.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, a spike of fear coursing through him at the unreadable look on Kurt’s face. _What had he done wrong?_

Kurt shook his head, lifting up to kiss Blaine, much more gently now, before pushing Blaine’s hips lightly.

Blaine got the hint, climbing off of Kurt in favor of laying beside him, continuing to watch Kurt carefully for some hint of what was going through his head, some clue at what he had done wrong.

It had felt so _good._

_Was it only him?_

Had he pushed too far, too fast?

“I-I’m sorry,” Blaine began hesitantly, unsure of what he was apologizing for but feeling the need to _say it._ “I didn’t-”

 _“No,_ honey, it’s okay,” Kurt interjected immediately, gathering Blaine into his arms, and Blaine let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he immediately sunk into the embrace, burying his face in Kurt’s strong, warm chest. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I-I kind of started it.” He let out a shaky laugh, and Blaine felt him press a kiss to the top of his head.

“Then what…” he began, but he stopped, unsure of what he needed to ask but desperately in search of some sort of answer.

Kurt let out a long sigh, rubbing careful circles into Blaine’s lower back. “I just… I don’t think we’re ready for more. Not yet. I think we just...need to cool off.”

_Not yet._

Blaine knew he was right. Falling into bed with Kurt had always been easy - at times _too_ easy, he had feared. They were so impossibly attracted to one another, and they were compatible in bed regardless of the state of their relationship outside of it. 

He _wanted_ that, and he wanted Kurt so _badly._

But he knew they _needed_ a better balance.

“Yeah,” he agreed softly, and he meant it, but he couldn’t shake a twinge of disappointment inside of him, a nagging sting of rejection, though he knew Kurt didn’t mean it like that.

Of _course_ he didn’t.

It still kind of felt that way.

“I love you,” Kurt murmured into his hair, and Blaine breathed in the words, breathed in Kurt all around him, allowing it to bloom warmly and settle pleasantly in his bones.

Blaine loved Kurt, too, and he knew it. But the last person he had said those words to was Sebastian, and he had said them knowing in his gut that he _didn’t_ mean it, knowing that he was attempting to force something that wasn’t there, and it still left a sour taste in his mouth.

He _wanted_ to say it, to reclaim the words, but - much like sex - he wasn’t quite ready.

_Not yet._

Instead, he turned his head to press a soft, tender kiss to Kurt’s chest, right over his heart. As Kurt’s arms tightened around him, Blaine couldn’t help but feel like Kurt understood, that he didn’t mind.

They both knew Blaine would get there.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we're back, and with an extra long chapter to make up for your wait!
> 
> everything's winding down, though. only the epilogue left after this one.
> 
> thank you as always for your support!

A couple of months into the semester, Blaine felt like he was adjusting relatively well to his new life in New York. In many ways, he was proud of himself. His classes were tough, but he loved them, and he felt _passionate_ about music, about learning again. He found himself with a hunger for knowledge that propelled him, carrying him through his hectic schedule and long papers and difficult exams. 

School had never been too much of a challenge for him. It had never made him doubt his abilities. He _knew_ he was smart, and he was capable, and he was doing well.

If only everything could be so simple, so guaranteed.

Although school offered Blaine unquestioning confidence, it still didn’t quite carry over into the rest of his life. He was struggling to make friends. As a mid-year transfer, Blaine felt like everyone already _had_ their friend group, their routine, their _place._

Everyone was friendly enough, but Blaine felt like there wasn’t much room for him. After everything, he didn’t quite have the confidence to _make_ room for himself. 

His roommate wasn’t helping. 

Ethan wasn’t a _bad guy,_ per se, but he just...wasn’t what Blaine had in mind. He was messy, and he was careless, and he was _loud._ He was completely shameless in bringing girls back to their tiny shared room, and Blaine had walked in on him in a variety of compromising positions so often that it barely fazed him anymore. 

On the nights that Ethan _wasn’t_ home, Blaine had grown to expect to be woken up by his roommate stumbling into their room late at night, drunk and clumsy, on one occasion even throwing up right there on their floor.

Fine. His roommate _sucked._

Although Blaine was used to Ethan’s ways, he knew he shouldn’t have to be. Just like he had promised himself, he kept his head down and quietly kept his half of the room spotless, cleaned up after Ethan and stayed out as much and as often as he could, but it was all beginning to get to him. 

It was hard not feeling like his space was _his,_ not feeling like his own room was relaxing or comforting or _safe_ in the slightest.

But then there was Kurt, sweet, wonderful Kurt, who was there through all of it. Kurt, who _was_ relaxing and comforting and safe, a steady anchor in the impossibly fast-paced, ever-changing city.

Kurt was busy with his own life, of course - juggling his own full course load alongside hours spent at Vogue and a handful of shifts at the diner here and there, - but he _always_ made time for Blaine. In fact, he was making much more of an effort than he ever had, and Blaine saw it, he _felt_ it constantly. It would have been so easy for their routines to take over, but they made time for one another no matter what - be it stolen moments during lunch breaks or nights out or lazy weekends spent cooking or sitting on the couch in Kurt’s apartment.

Their lives were busy, and they were stressful, but they were _there_ for one another in a way that Blaine was so sure of.

Ever since getting back together, Blaine hadn’t doubted Kurt for an instant.

Of course, they were still taking things slowly. Their relationship hadn’t progressed physically past making out, and Blaine had yet to sleep over at Kurt’s place. The boundary felt good at first, an important one to allow them to reestablish themselves in the city and as partners, but it was beginning to feel constrictive.

After months of not having it, sex was beginning to feel like something _big,_ like something intimidating. It was one last hurdle he and Kurt had yet to cross together, one last _step_ they hadn’t taken, one last topic they hadn’t truly breached.

He wanted it - _god,_ he wanted it. He desperately missed being with Kurt in that way, being vulnerable and connected together in such an intimate shared experience, let alone just having _fun_ getting each other off and _enjoying_ one another.

He missed it, and he _craved_ it, but he held back because he knew Kurt was holding back, too, although sometimes he wasn’t sure why anymore. Did _Kurt_ not want it? Did Kurt not want _him?_

The questions began to loom largely in Blaine’s mind, and he wasn’t sure how to approach them.

Part of him was afraid of the answers.

Even still, Blaine loved their relationship. He loved just _being_ with Kurt, no matter what they were doing. 

His dorm room didn’t feel like home, but Kurt’s apartment _did,_ particularly after a bad day - and try as he might to avoid them, Blaine’s bad days were becoming all the more common as the semester progressed.

After transferring to a new therapist in the city, Blaine officially received his depression diagnosis. Though it had brought him some understanding, it wasn’t nearly as much as he would have liked. He still didn’t understand _why._ Why was he fine one day and so _not_ the next? Why did the smallest, seemingly insignificant trigger sometimes do nothing and sometimes have the power to make him feel so entirely _hopeless?_

He was learning how to cope, how to anticipate and offset potential triggers, how to focus on the positive amidst so much change and unknown and _newness,_ but it was hard to find the motivation to figure it out when the whole _point_ of it was that it so often stripped him of his drive entirely. 

Most days, though, Blaine was doing okay. He _did_ have motivation, particularly when he focused on his classes and on Kurt.

But some days, his dorm room felt a little too small, and he felt a little too ostracized by his classmates, and he felt a little too overwhelmed by Ethan’s noise and mess and general way of _being,_ and it all got to him a little too much.

Blaine instantly knew upon waking up that it was going to be one of _those days._

He hadn’t seen Kurt all week, and Ethan had woken him up more than once during the night, and he had an important exam that morning, and he was _tired._

If he didn’t have the exam, in fact, Blaine wouldn’t have gotten out of bed at all.

On a better day - a slightly better one, even - he would have gone through his mental checklist, recognizing what he needed to do to keep him from slipping too far into a negative place. He would have forced himself to get up, to call his therapist, even, to figure it out for _himself_ and pull himself out of it before he got in too deep.

He didn’t feel _up_ for it. He wanted to sink into the bed, to forget everything, to _disappear._

He knew he couldn’t. He knew he would regret it.

_Do something._

His phone vibrated before he had the chance.

**From Kurt:** Hey, good luck on your test today. You’ll do great! I get off at 6 - shall we celebrate after? You can come over?

_Kurt._

Going to Kurt’s and letting himself forget everything else for a while to just _be_ felt impossibly perfect. 

Months ago, Blaine may have brushed it off. He may have made light of it, put on a happy face to ensure no one worried about him, especially not Kurt.

But things were different now, and Blaine knew he owed it to himself _and_ to Kurt to _be_ himself, to be open and vulnerable and _real_.

**From Blaine:** Please. I really need it.

He stared down at his phone, worrying his bottom lip as he willed for a reply to come.

It came quickly, short and simple and completely _knowing._

**From Kurt:** You okay?

Blaine let out a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment as he considered his reply.

_Was he okay?_

He wasn’t. He really, really wasn’t.

But _why wasn’t he?_

There was no good reason for it, and he hated that. He felt so _broken,_ so messed up.

**From Blaine:** Just going to be one of those days.

He knew Kurt would know exactly what he meant.

Kurt dreaded Blaine’s bad days.

It wasn’t because they were a burden, or because they were hard on _Kurt,_ or because he hated dealing with them. No, Kurt hated knowing that _Blaine_ was carrying the burden at all, that he was feeling the weight, that he was having to deal with a darkness and emptiness Kurt knew was much heavier than Blaine ever let on, open and honest as he was.

Kurt dreaded Blaine’s bad days because they were so unexpected. They had become more infrequent since they got back together - though they ramped up again after the move to the city, as they had anticipated. Blaine had _so many_ good days, though, big triumphs in good grades and successful performances and quieter joys in evenings spent in Kurt’s apartment or out and about. Overall, he was doing _well,_ and Kurt was endlessly proud of him.

But then a bad day would come, striking Blaine seemingly out of nowhere, and although they were both learning how to manage them, they still couldn’t figure out how to _prevent_ them.

Kurt dreaded Blaine’s bad days because he wanted to fix it, he wanted to make it all go away, he wanted to make Blaine _happy,_ but he couldn’t.

Try as he might, it just wasn’t that easy.

But even still, Kurt could _be_ there, there for the good days and the bad ones and everything in between.

When he read Blaine’s text, he knew that was exactly what he needed to do.

_Just going to be one of those days._

Kurt knew he couldn’t fix it. He couldn’t make it all go away.

But he could _be there._

The day seemed to crawl by. Kurt was endlessly impatient to see Blaine - it had been days, longer than they had gone without seeing one another in months. With midterms and Vogue and the diner and _all of it,_ they were busier every day, and the NYU campus was _just_ far enough from Kurt’s apartment that it wasn’t always convenient or _possible_ for them to see one another. Going a few days was fine - _healthy,_ even - and Kurt knew it, but even so, he _missed_ Blaine. 

Simple as that.

Selfishly, Kurt couldn’t help but consider how much easier it would be if they were closer together, if Kurt could _come home_ to Blaine like he once did, like he hoped to again someday.

Someday _soon,_ if he could have his way. _Sooner than later._

Logically, he knew it wasn’t the right step for them, not yet. Living together had been incredibly hard on them, detrimental, even, but they were so _different_ than they once were. They were _better._

Even still, Kurt couldn’t help but _wonder._

Would Blaine’s bad days be a little better if they shared a home, if it was easier for Kurt to _be there,_ to be a solid presence even during the busiest times? Would Blaine’s bad days be a little less frequent, a little less severe? Would Kurt be able to _help_ more?

Their relationship was doing well - the _best_ it had ever been, Kurt often felt - but could it be _even_ _better?_

Maybe it was a conversation worth having - not that day, not even that week, but sometime _soon._

Maybe they _could_ handle it.

Kurt went through the motions of his classes and his afternoon at Vogue, thinking of Blaine all the while. He checked the time more times than he could count, noting that Blaine would be in his exam, then Blaine would be out of his exam, then Blaine would be in his last class of the day, and finally Blaine would likely be headed back to his dorm until Kurt was finished up, but the clock couldn’t tell him _how_ Blaine was doing through all of it.

Was he okay? Had his bad day gotten worse?

Kurt managed to slip out of the office a few minutes early - he wasn’t being productive, anyway - and hurried home, hoping Blaine wouldn’t be far behind.

Suddenly, he couldn’t bear the idea of waiting much longer to see him.

As Kurt made his way up the stairs and down the hallway of his apartment floor, he fumbled in his messenger bag for his keys, finally finding them and looking up-

And there was Blaine, _Blaine,_ sitting on the ground by his front door.

“Hi, you’re here,” Kurt breathed out as he reached him, feeling a mix of relief and confusion and contentment and concern, and suddenly Blaine was standing up and completely _melting_ into Kurt.

Kurt’s arms were around him in an instant, tucking Blaine close into his body, not sure of exactly what was going on or why Blaine was already there or why Blaine was in his arms but knowing that he needed this, that they _both_ did.

“Hey, what’s going on?” he asked softly after a long moment, pulling back just enough to look at Blaine but keeping him close, rubbing his back in small circles. 

Blaine ducked his head, letting out a small, embarrassed laugh.

“Sorry,” he sighed, resting his forehead on Kurt’s shoulder. “It’s just been...a lot today.”

Kurt hummed softly in acknowledgement, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Blaine’s head and swaying them gently back and forth for a long moment, allowing them the chance to immerse themselves in one another.

_I’m here, you’re okay, we’re okay._

“Let’s go inside,” he murmured finally, willing himself to pull away long enough to unlock the door and lead Blaine to the couch.

Kurt watched carefully as Blaine sunk into the couch, searching for some kind of clue as to what Blaine needed, what he should do to help. 

He couldn’t find anything.

Blaine looked so numb, so _small_ sitting there on the couch, a shell of his usual self, of the man Kurt had seen just a few days prior.

_Shit._ It really _had_ been a bad day.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he prompted gently as he perched himself on the cushion beside Blaine - close, but not too close, wanting to open the door to contact and conversation without pushing for it completely.

Blaine just shrugged, looking down at his lap.

“It’s not anything you don’t already know,” he said quietly. “I’m not exactly sure what set it off. I-I think I’m tired, mostly. Ethan came back late last night and was being so loud and-” Blaine paused, huffing and looking over at Kurt, a flash of annoyance in his eyes. “He just really...pisses me off sometimes.”

_Ethan. Of course._

Blaine’s roommate had been nothing but trouble. Kurt knew Blaine had been hoping for a new friend, a positive new experience, but the source of his bad days had all too often come down to his roommate.

_Was it even worth it anymore?_

Kurt sighed, leaning back against the couch, turned towards Blaine with his elbow resting on the back of it, propping his head up.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he frowned, reaching out with his free hand to rest gently on Blaine’s knee, stroking his thumb over it gently. The question continued to nag at the back of his mind - if the dorm was causing Blaine so much grief, affecting him so much mentally, what was the point? 

He had to ask.

“I feel like Ethan gets to you a lot,” Kurt began carefully, and Blaine snorted humorlessly, effectively keeping Kurt from continuing.

“That’s an understatement. _I_ feel like he’s the worst roommate in the history of roommates,” he groaned. “I try so _hard_ not to let him get to me, but he just- I just can’t ignore it sometimes.”

“I just hate seeing him have this much of an effect on you,” Kurt admitted. “It’s taking a toll on your mental health, Blaine, I… You’re working so hard, and it’s not fair to have this keeping you down all the time. There has to be something we can do.”

Kurt knew exactly what they could do - what _he_ thought they could do.

_Move in with me. Move in with me._

The words were on the tip of his tongue.

“It’s _fine,_ Kurt,” Blaine bit out defensively, his tone harsher than Kurt had anticipated. “I’m _fine.”_

He wasn’t fooling Kurt, and Kurt had a feeling Blaine wasn’t fooling himself, either.

_God,_ the solution just felt so _obvious._ Sure, finances could become an issue, since the dorm was paid for by the semester, but Kurt was planning on being with Blaine _for good_ if he had any control over it, so wouldn’t eating the cost just be an investment in their future? It would be hard, but Kurt loved Blaine more than anything, more than _ever,_ so having him move in just made _sense_ to him _._

_What would Blaine think?_

He had to know.

“It’s not _fine._ It’s not sustainable, _”_ Kurt retorted, narrowing his eyes at him before softening, taking a deep breath.

_Take the leap._

“Why don’t you just move in with me instead?” he blurted out before he could convince himself otherwise, instantly regretting it as he saw Blaine’s eyes widen and felt him freeze up under his touch.

_Shit._

“Things are going so well,” Kurt continued quickly, hoping to justify, to explain, to keep things from getting worse because Blaine looked so incredibly _shocked,_ and it wasn’t what Kurt had anticipated at all. “W-With us, I mean. We’ve been back together for a few months now, a-and _your_ living situation isn’t working out, so I just thought it-”

_“Kurt,_ I- What?” Blaine balked, slowly shaking his head and staring at him with wide eyes. _“No,_ how- What would make you think…”

_No?_

Blaine was acting like it was the most insane idea in the world. What the _hell?_

_Didn’t he want to be together?_

Kurt instantly righted his posture, pulling his hand back from Blaine’s knee. He suddenly felt the need to defend himself, to _protect_ himself, because _why wasn’t Blaine getting it?_

Why didn’t Blaine _want_ him?

“Why not, _Blaine?_ You- You’d rather live with this _jerk_ who completely disregards you than your own _boyfriend?”_

It came out harsher, more accusatory than Kurt had intended, but he stood his ground. Though he hadn’t intended to bring up the idea so impulsively, and not while Blaine was in a bad place, either, he never thought Blaine would flat out _reject_ him. He had thought they could at least have a conversation about it, at least weigh the pros and cons, make the decision _together,_ but no.

It was impossible not to take it personally.

“We haven’t even spent the _night_ together yet,” Blaine bit back, crossing his arms defensively. “We haven’t had sex. You barely touch me! Let alone how _moving in_ with someone went for me last time! There’s no possible _way_ it’s a good idea, I mean- are you _serious?_ ”

_Last time._

Kurt just stared at Blaine for a moment, anger twisting in his stomach. 

Last time was _Sebastian._ Was that really what Blaine thought of him?

“Are _you_ serious, Blaine?” Kurt snapped. “Do you not trust me at all? You really think it’ll turn out like it did with _him?_ ” He barked out a humorless laugh, looking away from Blaine. “Glad to know you think that little of me.”

Blaine groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. “Kurt, I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. You’re not _listening_ to me. You’re not even _thinking_ about me! You’re only thinking about yourself and what _you_ want!”

Kurt’s eyes snapped back over to him then, ready to defend himself, ready to _fight,_ but one look at Blaine’s face made him stop in his tracks.

Blaine looked so _tired._ Eyes red-rimmed and teary, he just seemed so drained, so _done._

Kurt wanted to punch himself. Blaine was _right._ Kurt wasn’t listening. He wasn’t thinking clearly, and he slipped right back into his old ways, throwing up his walls and thinking of the problem as himself versus Blaine, when it all should have been about _helping_ Blaine in the first place.

He had worked so impossibly hard over the past several months to _not do_ exactly that, but there he was.

Making things worse.

Staring at Blaine, heart pounding in his chest, Kurt suddenly had no idea how to fix it.

“Blaine, I-”

“Just- Just stop,” Blaine interjected, letting out a heavy, exasperated sigh. “We’re not getting anywhere, and we’re not _going_ to get anywhere. Not like this.”

Kurt exhaled shakily, a spike of anxiety coursing through him as Blaine stood up, picking up his bag and beginning to walk towards the door.

_No._

Blaine couldn’t leave. Kurt wouldn’t - _couldn’t -_ let him. 

_Not again._

“What- Where are you going?” he managed, voice sounding as unsure as he suddenly felt. He was on the verge of panicking, regretting everything he had just said and desperately wracking his brain for a way to change it, a way to make Blaine _stay._

_Don’t leave me. Please. I can’t lose you again._

Blaine turned back towards him then, visibly deflating, and Kurt looked up at him tentatively.

“I just need to be alone for a little bit,” Blaine said calmly, stepping back towards where Kurt sat on the couch and cupping his face with one hand briefly, just long enough for Kurt to feel grounded by his touch, to feel a little less anxious, before dropping his hand again. “I think you do, too. I-I’ll just...go pick up some dinner for us or something, and- and I’ll be back. I promise I’ll be back, and we’ll talk.”

Kurt nodded, taking a long breath in as he held Blaine’s eyes, collecting himself again as his anger dissipated. It still hurt, watching Blaine leave, but he knew it was a good thing. It was _progress._ Blaine was aware enough to take a step back for _both_ of them. Considering Kurt himself became blinded by his own insecurities, his own fears, he admired that endlessly. 

Blaine was growing. 

This was Kurt’s chance to think, to prevent an explosion, to prove to himself and to Blaine that _he_ was growing, too.

“I love you,” he breathed out quietly, just needing to say it, just needing Blaine to _know_ under no uncertain terms before he left, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Blaine’s eyes softened as he ducked down to press a soft kiss to Kurt’s forehead, and then he was gone.

Regardless of how calmly Blaine left the apartment, the moment the door closed behind him, he was reeling.

_What had just happened?_

He had been so looking forward to relaxing with Kurt that night. It was the only thing that had kept him going, in fact, through his exam and his classes and yet another run-in with his roommate.

But instead of relaxing, instead of unwinding and finding solace in his boyfriend, they had fought.

As Blaine walked slowly to the cafe on the corner, he mulled over his thoughts. Kurt had caught him off guard completely by asking Blaine to move in, all too close to how Sebastian had asked him the same question not so long ago.

The similarities instantly hit him like a freight train, paralyzing him and _scaring_ him, and Kurt hadn’t seen that at all.

Sebastian hadn’t seen him back then, either. Looking back, Blaine knew that asking him to move in was Sebastian’s last ditch effort to keep him under his thumb, to _control_ him, and Blaine was naive enough to let him. It had _trapped_ him.

He didn’t want to be naive anymore. 

He never wanted to feel that way again.

In the back of his mind, he knew Kurt was nothing like Sebastian. Of _course_ he knew that Kurt would never do that to him, would never control him. But his gut reaction had taken over, and combined with the fact that Kurt wasn’t listening to him, it was all too much.

Even still, Kurt’s words, as heated as they may have been, cut right to Blaine’s core. 

_Do you not trust me at all?_

_Glad to know how little you think of me._

_God,_ Blaine hated knowing he had made Kurt doubt his trust, doubt his _feelings_ for him. And even after all of it, Kurt had told him he loved him. 

Even knowing Blaine was leaving.

He had been so caught off guard in the moment, so afraid of slipping back into their old ways of fighting and getting nowhere, but even after a few minutes away, all Blaine wanted to do was _fix_ it. 

Clearing the air and making Kurt feel better immediately superseded his bad day, his depression, his lingering fears from Sebastian - _all_ of it.

Blaine had to get back to him.

He waited for their orders impatiently - including a hefty slice of cheesecake as an attempted peace offering - as he considered what to say when he returned, but the words weren’t coming. He wanted to talk - _really_ talk. He wanted to _understand,_ but he wasn’t sure how to make it happen.

Finally, bags of takeout containers in hand, Blaine quickly made his way back to Kurt’s apartment. The look on Kurt’s face, the fear in his voice when Blaine left chilled him to the bone, and Blaine didn’t want to leave him alone for a second longer. 

And then Blaine was at the door, and he was knocking, and then the door was open, and Kurt was _there,_ eyes tired yet strong and a tentative, barely-there smile on his face.

“You came back,” Kurt said shakily, and Blaine’s heart sank in his chest.

_Had Kurt really doubted him?_

“Of course I did.” Blaine lifted up the bags in his hands as an offering, stepping inside. “And I got your favorite. I’ll just put it in the fridge, and we can talk first? I’m ready if you are.”

Kurt merely nodded, and Blaine took his time putting their dinner away, focusing on the actions to calm himself, to center himself.

Although their fight hadn’t been Kurt’s best moment - not that it had been Blaine’s, either, - Kurt had been putting his feelings on the line time and time again, showing up for Blaine and being open and honest and _real._

Meanwhile, the memory of Sebastian had incited a fear that controlled Blaine, kept him from even considering moving in with Kurt. 

Had Sebastian been holding him back in other ways, too? Controlling him from the past, whether Blaine had realized it or not?

He took a deep breath before closing the refrigerator door and turning back to Kurt, joining him on the couch.

_He could do this._

“Kurt, I-”

“No, let me go first,” Kurt interjected, voice soft yet firm, and Blaine quieted, looking at him tentatively. “I-I’m sorry, Blaine. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset with you or so defensive- I really shouldn’t have even blurted it out like that in the first place. I had been wanting to bring it up with you, but not like that. After everything, I-I should have known better. It wasn’t fair of me. I don’t...I don’t want to be like...you know.”

Blaine reached for Kurt’s hands instantly, holding them between his own. He just needed a _connection_ , and by the way Kurt gripped his hands in return, Blaine could tell he needed it, too.

“You could _never_ be like Sebastian,” Blaine said emphatically, scooting closer to him, as if being physically nearer would make his words sink in deeper. _Please believe me._ “Never, Kurt, and I have _never_ worried about that. It was just… When you asked me to move in so suddenly, it… It reminded me so much of when _he_ asked. We had been in the middle of a fight, and he just- he said it out of nowhere. It hadn’t even been on my radar, you know?”

Blaine paused for a long moment to take a deep breath, willing away the nagging fear and insecurities and _everything_ that Sebastian had left behind, the ghosts that continued to haunt him. Kurt squeezed his hands gently in wordless acknowledgement, just enough support to keep Blaine present, to keep him going.

“I said yes to him because I was _scared._ Everything was falling apart and it seemed like a way to fix it, and- it was so _stupid_ of me, looking back.” Blaine sighed, ducking his head briefly before looking back up at Kurt, locking eyes with him. _Please hear me. Please listen._ “It wasn’t on my radar for us, either, Kurt. Not yet. I-I really don’t think we’re there yet. As much as I love being here with you, we… I don’t want it to just be a quick fix for my problems again.”

Kurt let out a shaky breath, breaking their gaze to look past Blaine, eyes full of something Blaine couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Honestly… It _was_ on my radar. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, a-and I thought we could be ready,” he admitted softly, catching Blaine by surprise. 

_Kurt_ thought they were ready?

This was the same man who had cooled them off while making out countless times over the past couple of months. This was the same man whose door was always open for Blaine, but who shuffled him out and back to his dorm at the end of the night, each and every time. 

This was the same man who was keeping their boundaries so firmly in place that Blaine was beginning to think he didn’t _want_ to progress them at all.

Yet he thought they were ready to _move in_ together again?

Not to mention how it went for them the last time they were in the city. There were nights - _so many_ nights - where Blaine had felt like Kurt hadn’t wanted him there at all, and it led to countless fights.

Blaine didn’t want to go down that road again. He _couldn’t._

As much as he was trying to listen to Kurt, to _understand,_ he just wasn’t getting it.

_How could he think they were ready?_

“Sebastian aside, though… We haven’t had the best track record with this either,” Blaine offered tentatively. It was still hard for him to bring up the past - _their_ past. The fights, the breakups, the nasty words and painful conversations and cold looks still stung, and regardless of how _well_ they were doing, what if it all fell apart if they pushed themselves too far? What if they went right back to that place, even after all they went through to get each other back?

How could he ever recover from that?

Blaine watched as Kurt squeezed his eyes closed, taking a deep breath in and holding it for a long moment before reopening them again, looking at Blaine with a calm, serious gaze that he was powerless to break.

“I know,” Kurt sighed. “I-I know. But we’re different now, Blaine. We really are. I-I’m not saying that as an argument for you to move in. If you’re not ready, then that’s it, and that’s okay. We’ll figure something else out. But we _are_ different. We’re _better._ And you can trust me. You can trust _us._ You know that, right?”

“Of course I do,” Blaine breathed instantly, moving infinitely closer to Kurt, their knees pressing together. He wanted to feel Kurt everywhere, to sink into him, to forget where he ended and Kurt began, but he held himself back from it. Not until Kurt knew for sure that Blaine trusted him - not until they _both_ did. _“God,_ Kurt, of course I trust you. I- I never wanted you to doubt that.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Kurt said simply, and Blaine believed him. “I don’t doubt that you trust me. But I… I think we both deserve to trust _us_ a little more. Look at everything we’ve gotten through to be here, to be with _each other._ I think I lose sight of that sometimes, and I worry, and- and I don’t think it’s wrong of me to say you do, too, right?”

Kurt was right, and Blaine knew it.

They had come so far - so _incredibly_ far - both separately and together. Their relationship was _better_ than when Blaine was with Sebastian. In fact, their relationship _now_ was the best, strongest one Blaine had _ever_ been in, including his past with Kurt.

If they were so strong, then why was Blaine still so afraid it would all fall apart, just like that?

He knew he had been holding back. He loved Kurt, but he hadn’t told him. He _wanted_ Kurt, but he hadn’t made any indication that he was ready for more.

It wasn’t even about _them_. He trusted their relationship, and he knew it was right - he had never _been_ so sure of that. He trusted Kurt, too. Kurt was _so_ different, and he was beautifully open and responsive, and Blaine trusted him endlessly.

No, Blaine didn’t trust _himself_ not to find a way to screw it all up regardless.

But looking at Kurt, his amazing, wonderful boyfriend, Blaine knew he needed to trust himself just as much.

He had to put himself out there.

“You’re right,” Blaine admitted, letting go of Kurt’s hands to reach up, cupping his face instead, holding his gaze and searching his eyes and finding strength, finding the courage to push him to continue. _Take the leap._ “I want- I want to trust us, and I need to trust _myself_ more to do it. I-I trust _you_ completely, Kurt. I really do. I love you- I love you _so_ much.”

A breath hitched in Kurt’s throat, eyes widening slightly, but Blaine didn’t wait to hear the words back. It didn’t matter - he already knew. 

Instead, he closed the small distance between them to press their lips together in a slow, tender kiss that warmed him down to his toes, calming him and centering him and making him wonder _why_ he hadn’t said it sooner.

Any possible reason he had before suddenly felt so silly, thumbs stroking Kurt’s cheekbones and lips moving together, and he was unable to think or feel or _know_ anything but _Kurt, Kurt, Kurt._

“I love you,” Kurt said breathlessly against Blaine’s lips as their kiss finally broke, leaning their foreheads together. “And I _trust_ you, too. I trust you completely. C-Can I prove it to you?”

_Prove it?_

What could Kurt possibly need to _prove?_

“You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to do anything,” Blaine murmured, kissing the corner of Kurt’s mouth slowly before pulling back to look at him, and _god,_ Kurt was beautiful. Eyes bright blue, yet somehow soft and so _intimate,_ lips instantly redder and kissed swollen, face open and raw and _real._

More than once, Blaine had thought he would never have this again, and he had thought he didn’t _deserve_ to have this. 

Yet there they were.

Blaine was the luckiest man in the world.

“I love you,” he said again, just because he could.

Kurt’s face broke into a toothy grin, eyes crinkling at the corners, and Blaine couldn’t help but kiss him again.

_“Blaine,”_ Kurt laughed against his mouth, pulling back despite Blaine’s best efforts to chase his lips. “I’m trying to do something here.”

“Okay, okay,” Blaine relented with a wide smile, sliding his hands down from Kurt’s face to hold his hands again, thumbing over his knuckles gently. “I’m listening. What do you have in mind?”

“I want you to stay over tonight,” Kurt said, and _oh._ Blaine could work with that. “Nothing big, no pressure, but… I think it’s overdue. We can warm up the dinner you brought us, just...spend time together. No school, no work, no Ethan, just _us._ I know you’re not ready to move in, and that’s okay- it really is. But I want to prove to you that we _are_ ready for- for a little bit more.”

Blaine didn’t need proof. He didn’t need convincing. He _was_ ready.

He wanted it more than anything.

“Yes,” he breathed, closing the distance between them to kiss Kurt once more.

Kurt was incredibly tempted to just spend the rest of the night on the couch with Blaine, who _loved_ him, who apparently could _not_ stop kissing him, but _no._

He had a mission to complete.

Their evening had turned around much better than Kurt had anticipated, much better than he felt he even _deserved._ He had gotten so upset, so _defensive,_ but being open and honest with Blaine was more rewarding than winning an argument could ever be.

_Especially_ when it ended in Blaine telling him he loved him.

It had felt like the first time all over again.

He knew that Blaine had taken a risk by saying it. Blaine had put himself out there, put his feelings on the line and made the move because _he_ was ready for it.

They were talking about trust, and Blaine had immediately shown it under no uncertain terms.

It felt like the most beautiful gift, and now it was Kurt’s turn to give back.

He left Blaine curled up on the couch - regardless of Blaine’s protests - and ordered him to _stay there and don’t look_ before heading into the kitchen.

Opening the refrigerator door, Kurt’s heart fluttered in his chest as he realized what Blaine had picked up for them. Even while angry, he had gotten takeout from Kurt’s favorite cafe, and _cheesecake_ to boot.

Kurt was the luckiest man in the world.

He made quick work of heating up their dinner, finding a couple of candles and his bluetooth speaker and setting the table in the meantime. 

It had to be _perfect,_ or at least as perfect as it could be on such short notice.

Finally, food was warm and plated, candles were lit, napkins were folded, and a soft instrumental playlist was thrumming through the speaker, and Kurt was _ready._

It was simple, and it was spur of the moment, but it was the best evening Kurt had had in ages.

He couldn’t stop smiling all throughout dinner, and neither could Blaine. In fact, Blaine was nearly glowing in the soft candlelight, impossibly handsome and incredibly captivating. Everything felt exciting and warm and _new_ somehow, and Kurt couldn’t get enough of it. 

He just felt so _close_ to Blaine in every way.

“Thank you for this,” Blaine murmured as they settled together on the couch after eating, immediately curling into one another. He turned his head to press a kiss to the shell of Kurt’s ear, and Kurt felt a shiver run down his spine. 

He hummed softly in response, reaching up to cup Blaine’s jaw and draw him closer, pulling him into a long, slow kiss.

“Always,” Kurt breathed against his lips, sliding his hand to curl his fingers into Blaine’s hair as Blaine sucked his lower lip into his mouth, deepening the kiss. 

Kurt had been holding himself back physically ever since they had gotten back together, not wanting to push too far, not wanting to try for too _much_ before they knew for sure what they could handle. He had never been sure when he would _know_ the time was right or when it was time to stretch the boundaries. He had never let himself even get that far because _keeping Blaine safe_ was always the top priority.

But sitting there with Blaine, _kissing_ Blaine, he began to think that maybe they _could_ have more. 

It was like their conversation had opened a new door, permitting a new world of feelings and _excitement_ that Kurt hadn’t allowed himself. Suddenly, the spark he felt in his nerve endings, the warmth that coiled low in his belly while kissing Blaine didn’t scare him anymore.

Suddenly, he was giving himself permission to _feel._

Kurt slid his free hand down Blaine’s side, gripping his waist to pull him closer as he slid his tongue into his mouth, fingers tightening in his curls.

They kissed until they were forced to break for air, but Blaine only moved to kiss across Kurt’s jaw then down his neck, gently nipping and biting as he went. It felt like Blaine was leaving a path of fire with each kiss, and Kurt was melting under the heat of it.

“Feels good,” Kurt moaned softly as he sunk into the couch, tilting his head back to give Blaine more access. _God,_ that was an understatement. It felt incredible, possibly better than it _ever_ had.

“Love you,” Blaine mumbled, voice low and muffled against his neck, making Kurt shiver again with both the words and the vibration. Blaine reached up to begin unbuttoning the first couple buttons of Kurt’s shirt then, just enough to be able to suck a line of faint red marks into his collarbone.

_“Mm-_ love _you_ ,” Kurt said breathlessly, eyes fluttering closed as he pulled Blaine impossibly closer, wanting _more._

Blaine fumbled a bit before ending up nearly on top of Kurt, straddling his lap as he continued to work at Kurt’s neck, warm hands moving up and under his shirt to rest on Kurt’s stomach. 

It felt _so_ good- _Blaine_ felt so good, but their night was supposed to be _about Blaine._

Kurt needed to switch it up before they went too far.

“Hey- _mm,_ wait,” he managed to get out, and surprisingly, Blaine was off of him in an instant, falling against the other side of the couch and looking... _rejected?_

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No, honey,” Kurt interrupted quickly, immediately getting it. They hadn’t ever gone past this - not again, at least, - and Blaine hadn’t ever _responded_ so quickly and passionately and _beautifully_ , and he had no reason to think Kurt _wasn’t_ just cooling them off yet again.

Kurt immediately felt silly for holding them back for so long.

_Could it have done more harm than good?_

Instead of letting himself worry over it and risking killing the mood, Kurt lifted himself up and over Blaine, cupping the back of his neck and looking at him intently. Blaine’s eyes were dark, lips red and hair disheveled already, and _fuck,_ he looked _sexy._

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he murmured before leaning down to kiss him again, passionate and deep and _meaningful,_ in hopes of conveying his true intentions through his actions because words suddenly felt so _useless_. _I want you. Do you want me, too?_

Blaine moaned deep in his throat, hands instantly flying up to pull Kurt down against him, and Kurt felt the answer thrumming through his veins.

_Yes._

Blaine’s legs were falling open, then, and Kurt shifted to press their bodies together, groaning softly into his mouth at the feeling of Blaine so pliant and _willing_ underneath him. 

Kurt would have been happy to stay there on the couch, kissing and feeling and _tasting_ Blaine for the rest of the night, but their earlier conversation continued to echo in his mind.

_Trust us a little more._

Paired with the fact that _screw it,_ Kurt _really_ wanted his boyfriend, his impossibly handsome and sexy and _attractive_ boyfriend, he felt like he wanted - no, _needed -_ more.

He had to know if Blaine did, too.

“Do you want-” he gasped into Blaine’s mouth, attempting to pull back but instead sinking into another series of kisses that sent heat coursing through his entire body. 

“Bed?” Blaine finished for him and _yes,_ they were _so_ on the same page.

_“Yes.”_

It took a few minutes to pull apart for long enough to get up, but once they did, they moved quickly into the bedroom, collapsing beside each other on the bed in peals of excited, slightly nervous laughter.

It had felt like a lifetime since Kurt was nervous around Blaine, but it had felt like a lifetime since they were intimate together, too. Somehow, now that he was mentally allowing himself to explore the _possibilities_ again, laying there next to him on the bed almost felt like their very first time all over again.

They laid on their sides for a long moment, just looking at one another. Kurt’s heart was racing in his chest as he took in the man beside him - his infinitely long eyelashes, naturally curled, his golden eyes, dark and _wanting,_ the strong curve of his jaw and the lines of his strong, compact body.

He was breathtaking, and he was staring back at Kurt just as intently.

“Hi,” Kurt said coyly, biting back a smile. “Enjoying the view?”

“Maybe I am,” Blaine murmured, reaching out to slowly trail a finger down Kurt’s chest.

_Fuck it._

Kurt closed the gap between them once more, kissing him long and slow and moving to straddle him, effectively pressing Blaine into the mattress.

Blaine grunted softly in surprise but gave into it instantly, and Kurt doubled his efforts, biting his bottom lip and tugging it slightly before pulling back just enough to ask, just enough to _make sure._

“I know we haven’t- we haven’t gone very far,” Kurt panted, inhaling sharply as Blaine’s hand traveled up his shirt again, fingers tracing small circles against the bare skin of his back. “But I think- I mean, if you-”

_“God,_ Kurt,” Blaine groaned, head falling back against the mattress. “I’m ready. I’m _so_ ready. _Please.”_

Blaine’s free hand came up to Kurt’s neck to pull him down into another kiss, and that was all Kurt needed to know.

Things got easier after that. Knowing Blaine wanted it, knowing he _himself_ wanted it, was enough for Kurt to allow himself to fall into the sensations completely of bare skin on skin as they shed their shirts and then their pants, of deliciously hot friction as they rocked their hips together, of Blaine completely consuming him as they kissed and touched and explored one another all over again.

And then their underwear came off, and they were naked, and Blaine was flushed and panting and _hard_ underneath him, and Kurt paused for another moment to just _look_ at him again.

“Fucking incredible,” he muttered under his breath, reaching down to trace a line down Blaine’s chest, swirling over each nipple and down his torso, stopping just before his cock, which rested hard and heavy against his stomach.

Blaine _was_ incredible like this, laid out and open and _wanting._

Kurt had almost _lost_ this, lost _him._ He had almost thrown it all away out of selfish _stupidity._

He would never take Blaine for granted again.

“Love you,” Kurt breathed out, leaning down to kiss along Blaine’s jaw. _“So_ much. Tell me what you want.” _I’ll do anything._

_“Fuck,_ I love you,” Blaine moaned, tilting his head back and bucking his hips up slightly, not quite enough to reach Kurt’s. “I-I want- I want you inside me.”

_Oh._

It was more- _much_ more than Kurt had expected. 

But he knew it was the way Blaine had always felt the most connected, and it was how Kurt felt the most _wanted,_ and it sounded _right._

“Yeah. Yeah,” he agreed breathlessly, moving back up to kiss Blaine’s lips fully, instantly sliding his tongue into his mouth.

As they kissed, Kurt shifted to lay down against Blaine fully, slotting their hips together, and they moaned into each other’s mouths as their cocks _finally_ pressed together, a little too dry but still so _good._

“C’mon,” Blaine groaned shakily after a few moments, reaching down to grab Kurt’s ass, bringing him impossibly closer. “Not gonna last long enough if you don’t-”

“Okay, okay,” Kurt relented, reluctantly pulling away long enough to rifle through his bedside table drawer, finding his bottle of lube and the box of condoms he had kept on hand for _just in case, maybe, eventually._

_Now._

Supplies in hand, Kurt settled himself to stretch out next to Blaine, drawing him into a longer, softer kiss. 

“You sure?” he asked quietly, pressing a series of soft kisses to Blaine’s lips, his cheeks, his nose as he traced his fingers in gentle patterns up and down his abdomen.

“I’m sure,” Blaine sighed, melting into the mattress under Kurt’s gentle touch. “This is- I feel like this is the one thing I never gave Sebastian. I… I want to be fully yours- _all_ yours again, Kurt.”

Kurt couldn’t help but feel relieved at the admission - he had a feeling Blaine hadn’t slept with Sebastian, but they had never talked about it. He was never sure.

He hadn’t wanted to get his hopes up.

But Blaine _hadn’t._ Sebastian had taken so much from Blaine, had _affected_ so much of Blaine, but _not this._

“You are, baby,” Kurt breathed out, running his fingers up and down the crease of Blaine’s inner thigh. “You already are. And I’m yours.”

A breath hitched in Blaine’s chest, and he swallowed thickly, nodding a little before pulling Kurt close again.

After another series of long kisses, Kurt watched Blaine carefully as he reached for the lube, slicking his fingers. It had been a long time - _so_ long, - and although he knew they both wanted it so badly, he didn’t want to hurt Blaine, either.

Kurt moved more slowly then, kissing Blaine on his mouth, his jaw, his neck, anywhere he could reach, wanting to keep Blaine grounded and anchored and _present_ as he carefully worked him open. 

By the time Kurt had three fingers inside, Blaine was writhing underneath him, panting and moaning and practically _begging._

Kurt was so hard that he was aching, _needing_ to be inside of him, but it was all secondary to Blaine’s needs, to Blaine’s comfort.

He had to make sure under no uncertain terms that Blaine was ready.

“Kurt, please,” Blaine moaned brokenly, clutching desperately at Kurt’s waist, likely hard enough to leave marks. _“Please,_ I- I need more. Need _you._ ”

Kurt just nodded, kissing him deeply as he pulled his fingers out to lessen the ache. His whole body felt so _alive,_ nerve endings crackling with energy and desire and _anticipation_ for what soon was to come.

He sat back up on his knees for a moment, shivering at the cool air on his sweaty skin, suddenly feeling so _far_ from Blaine. 

God, Kurt needed _Blaine_ just as badly.

Kurt quickly tore open a condom, breath hitching in his chest as he slid it over his cock. He bit his lip as he lubed himself up, trying not to lean too heavily into the feeling.

As much as he needed the release, he wanted even more for it to last.

Finally ready, he moved over Blaine again, lacing the fingers of one hand with Blaine’s above Blaine’s head, the other holding his cock in place as he positioned it properly. He pushed into him impossibly slowly, squeezing his eyes closed and letting out a low, deep moan as he bottomed out, the feeling of Blaine so _tight, hot, deep_ around him almost overwhelming him entirely.

He looked down at Blaine then, only to find his eyes wide and shining, a tear slipping down his face.

“What- Wait, what’s wrong?” he panted softly, a spike of anxiety coursing through him. “We don’t have to, honey, it’s okay, it’s not-”

_“Kurt-”_ Blaine interjected, voice heavy and full of emotion. “I… I just. I just love you so much, and I never thought we’d- I never thought I’d have this again, I...”

The words died in Blaine’s chest, cut off by a shaky, choked sob, and Kurt leaned down to capture his lips in a slow, passionate kiss, nearly overcome by _all_ of it himself.

“I love you, Blaine,” he breathed, sliding his now freed hand up to intertwine his fingers with Blaine’s as well. _“God,_ I love you more than you could ever know.”

“I know,” Blaine gasped. “I-I know, Kurt, _please- Fuck._ Please.”

Kurt was powerless to resist any longer. He fucked into Blaine slowly at first, establishing a careful rhythm and building up in speed and intensity as they grew used to one another again. Like everything else, it felt like the most magical combination of new and familiar all at once, allowing him to feel a renewed appreciation for what he had once taken for granted in a way that left him breathless and raw and _vulnerable_ in the _best_ way.

It had _never_ felt quite like this.

Their bodies were fully molded together, Kurt’s head tucked into Blaine’s neck, and he panted as they rocked together, heat slowly coiling in the pit of his stomach. Blaine was moaning wantonly underneath him, a babbling mess of _Kurt_ and _I love you_ and _yes_ and _more,_ driving Kurt to go deeper, faster, _better_ for Blaine, _all_ for Blaine, Blaine, _Blaine._

It could have been seconds, minutes, _hours_ even before Kurt felt his orgasm building inside of him, though he knew it likely wasn’t long at all. Regardless, time was pointless, as completely nonexistent as the rest of the world. In that moment, Blaine was everything Kurt knew, everything Kurt _needed._

But he needed Blaine to come first.

He shifted _just_ enough to reach down between their bodies, grasping Blaine’s cock and beginning to jerk him off in rhythm with his thrusts. Blaine groaned loudly as soon as Kurt wrapped his hand around him, arching his back slightly and hooking his arm around Kurt’s neck.

“Close, _mm-_ so close,” he said shakily, looking up at Kurt with pleading, lust-blown eyes. “Please, I want-”

“Come _on,”_ Kurt moaned, redoubling his efforts. He was so close, too, and he knew he couldn’t last much longer. “Come on, Blaine. I’ve got you.”

One, two, three more thrusts, and Blaine was gone, coming with a loud broken _Kurt_ and trembling with the force of it. Kurt worked him through it, but the feeling of Blaine clenching around him, the sight of Blaine so blissed out, so _well-fucked,_ sent him over the edge mere moments later.

Kurt couldn’t remember the last time he had come so hard and for so _long._ It seemed to last an eternity, coursing through him time and time again like a nearly endless wave. His body was fully wrecked with it, and he was defenseless to keep himself from collapsing on top of Blaine after, his orgasm leaving him fully spent and sated and _content._

It was a long moment before he found the strength to lift up enough to slide out of Blaine, to tie and toss the condom away, to fall back onto the bed and instantly pull Blaine into his arms.

They were sweaty, and they were sticky, and they were disgusting, but Kurt didn’t care in the slightest as he laid there holding Blaine, basking as his heart pounded in his chest, as the energy thrummed through his veins and finally dulled into something that left him feeling entirely _weightless_ in the best way.

“Thank you,” Blaine whispered into his chest, so quietly that Kurt almost doubted that he heard him correctly, that he even spoke at all.

“What for?” he asked, pressing a soft kiss into Blaine’s sweaty curls and rubbing his hand gently up and down his back.

“Just… For everything,” Blaine said softly, lifting his head up to look at Kurt, head propped up on his chest. “For being here, for being you… For being with me.”

“There’s no place I’d rather be,” Kurt breathed instantly, and he meant it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well folks, we've made it to the end. we hope you've enjoyed coming along with us, and we never expected this to get as much love as it has. it's been a whirlwind of a journey. thank you for each and every comment and kudos and read! you kept us motivated!

Blaine’s first semester back at college - an interesting combination of returning to the familiar city and starting anew at a new campus all at once - wasn’t easy in the end, but he still felt like it was _worth_ it.

Interestingly enough, he never regretted not attempting to return to NYADA. Although it had been nice to share Kurt’s classes, that’s exactly what it had always been: _Kurt’s._

NYU afforded him the rare opportunity to take a brand new place and make it his own. Though he doubted his abilities often and had plenty of hard days to boot, by the time summer came around, Blaine felt like he was finally finding his place, finding where he _fit_ in the midst of all of it. He had a few friends in his music classes by the end of the semester and even reconnected with a couple of old Warbler alums who lived in the city, and he was proud of himself for it.

Things with his roommate never got better. In fact, in many ways, they got worse. The annoyances and sleepless nights built up and built up until Blaine finally came back to their room after an endlessly long and exhausting study session at the library to find Ethan making out with a girl who was sitting half-naked _on Blaine’s desk._ It wasn’t Blaine’s finest moment, and he wasn’t proud, but he was exhausted and drained and _fed up,_ so he yelled, and it was a bad night.

Their room was a lot quieter after that, but considering the way he and Kurt celebrated with a long weekend in Kurt’s bed once he finally, _finally_ moved out, maybe it was all worth it in the end.

One semester in a typical shared dorm room was more than enough to make Blaine feel like he had gotten the real _college experience,_ but he and Kurt still decided against moving in together, at least not at that point. Their relationship was going well - _so_ well, - but it felt new and fresh in many ways, and they both wanted so badly to _protect_ it.

Blaine was still a work in progress, and so was Kurt, and they both had come to understand that they always would be. Try as they might, they still fought, and they still miscommunicated, and their insecurities still got the best of them on occasion, and moving in together had seemed like an added stress that was too much too soon. It was still too risky.

Instead, Blaine decided to move into a shared apartment with a couple of friends from his choral group, and he and Kurt decided to go to couples counseling.

Blaine’s therapist had suggested it, but in the end, it was Kurt’s idea to actually go for it.

“It doesn’t mean anything bad about us,” Kurt had reassured him. “It’s like maintenance, you know? We go to therapy on our own to work on ourselves, and it’s helped us both, so why shouldn’t we use it to work on us _together,_ too?”

Privately, it meant the world to Blaine that Kurt wanted it. He had never been one to ask for help, particularly not for a brand of help that was often seen as a last ditch effort, but he wanted it _for them._

And of course, Kurt was right. They didn’t go often - not nearly as often as their individual sessions, - but when they did, they always left with a new understanding for one another, a new understanding for how much they loved each other and the way they showed it.

Blaine felt like they were getting impossibly stronger with every passing day.

That summer, Blaine found himself a part-time job at a nearby music store, and between that and a semi-regular gig playing at one of their favorite piano bars, he was finding a new appreciation in being busy and being immersed in music again, in having a routine and being _settled_. 

Naturally, having Kurt as his biggest cheerleader and favorite audience member at each and every gig made it that much sweeter.

Regardless of how busy Kurt was with his own work schedule, he was _always_ there, always supportive and always making Blaine want to be bigger, better, _more._

It often felt like they were always working, but when they weren’t, their summer was spent sharing sweaty, lazy mornings in bed, exchanging kisses sticky-sweet from ice cream during picnic dates in the park, and even stealing away for a magically quiet weekend on the coast up in Maine.

Shifts at the store, evenings at the diner, even gigs at the piano bar would quickly become forgotten memories, but the moments they shared together were the ones Blaine cherished more than anything.

Blaine’s junior year came quickly, and it was packed with extra classes in order for him to catch up from his semester off and graduate on time, but he felt more ready than ever for the challenge.

As he should have expected, _challenge_ ended up being an understatement.

Blaine was completely and utterly swamped by his second week, and he spent every free moment studying in the library or his apartment or _Kurt’s_ apartment when there was no other time to spend together, and he ended up having to temporarily give up his gigs at the piano bar because it was _all too much,_ and it _sucked._

It was hard on Blaine mentally and physically and in _every way,_ but he found he was able to deal with it. He had brought it upon himself, and he knew it would be hard, and he had to take it in stride.

But it was hard on his relationship with Kurt, too, and that was what kept him up at night. _That_ was what got to him.

Kurt was busy with his own senior year, having worked his way into a _real, full-fledged_ paid position at Vogue, and he was beginning to take Broadway auditions, too, leaving him without much time or energy to spare for their relationship, either.

There were unanswered texts and missed phone calls and cancelled dates on both ends, and it all culminated in a fight - a _big_ one, the biggest they had had since getting back together, one of the biggest they had _ever_ had, - but never once did either of them threaten or acknowledge or even consider the remote possibility of leaving or breaking up or _giving_ up.

It just wasn’t an option.

It was a small difference, so small it went entirely unnoticed in the heat of the moment, but looking back, it helped Blaine to know that through all of the ups and downs, he wasn’t _worried_ about them anymore.

Not like he used to be.

They made up, of course, and they attended extra couples therapy sessions for a while, but they made it through their rough patch and Blaine’s busy year and Kurt’s graduation and by the end of it, they were better and closer and undeniably _ready_ to live together again.

Their friends had questioned often why they were waiting so long to move in together, and Blaine caught himself questioning it, too, on more than one occasion. However, once they finally _did,_ he was glad they had waited until they were both _completely_ ready for it.

Waiting made it so much _better._

Instead of Blaine moving in with Kurt, they had decided to find a new place to make all their own, a neutral space to build a home _together._ It took a few weeks to find the right apartment, but the second they stepped in the door for their tour, they knew.

It was small, a far cry from the expanse of the Bushwick loft, but it was perfectly situated halfway between the NYU campus and the Vogue office, and it had a real separate bedroom and a full kitchen and enough room for a functional office space to boot.

It was everything they needed, and it was everything they wanted, too.

The new apartment felt like the last piece of the puzzle Blaine needed for New York to start truly feeling like _home._ Finally, it felt like he was building a _life._

No, he and Kurt were building a life _together._

By the time they moved in together, Blaine felt well-established in his life in the city. He had made it through his credit-hours-packed year from hell, and his grades were good, and he had a solid friend group, and he was able to ease back into the piano bar scene, and he was _happy._

Surprisingly, their independent lives fit together quite well to share a home, but perhaps the fact that they _were_ so independent was why the transition worked so seamlessly.

Long past were the days where Blaine felt like he was trying to find his way into Kurt’s life, like he was living in Kurt’s shadow, like he was on the verge of suffocating Kurt at any moment.

Finally, Blaine felt like _himself._

Until they were living together again, Blaine hadn’t realized how much he _missed_ sharing the sweet simplicity of domesticity with Kurt. He had forgotten how much he loved waking up with Kurt every morning and falling asleep with him every night. He loved how even though it became so normal and _ordinary,_ it was never boring. He loved Kurt’s quirks and intricacies and habits, and he loved the way they slid right into their new life together, their new routine. 

After living with Ethan, the little things like a few dishes left in the sink, a patch of crumbs left on the counter, or a toothpaste stain on their hand towels just rolled right off his back.

After losing Kurt and everything Blaine went through to _be_ with him again, those little annoyances just weren’t worth it.

_Not anymore._

Blaine’s lighter course load for his senior year offered him breathing room in theory, but he was as busy as ever. He had picked up the songwriting bug from a particularly inspirational composition professor, and he fell in love. With fewer classes in his schedule, Blaine was home more often, and he spent nearly every bit of his free time at their rickety piano, playing and singing and writing and letting the music just _pour out of him._

He was often so focused, in such a trance that the hours would pass in the blink of an eye, and he wouldn’t stop until his fingers were aching and tired or until the sunlight streaming through the window dulled into dusk or until Kurt came home from the Vogue office and it was time to start dinner.

His favorite afternoons, though, were the ones where Kurt came home early. Blaine rarely even heard the door open - lost in the music, - but then he would feel arms wrap around his neck from behind, a chin rest atop his head, and a firm, strong chest come to press against his back. It never startled him; instantly, he would know it was Kurt, and he would melt into him, and everything else going on in his life, in his day, in his music would feel completely trivial.

Blaine always got his best writing done on those days.

Kurt did well for himself in college, but watching him transition into the real world after graduation was something else entirely. He took the city by storm, quickly landing a sizable role in a small-but-promising off-Broadway production and even beginning to develop a jewelry line with a few connections he had made at Vogue, and Blaine was continuously in awe of him.

He was incredible.

Unconsciously, it drove Blaine’s music, with a thread of Kurt winding through all of it in songs about him, about them, about everything they had been through and the road they took to get there. 

One lazy Sunday afternoon, after Kurt had begged and pleaded, Blaine finally gave in and played the songs for him.

“This is amazing, honey,” Kurt had gushed from beside him on the piano bench, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “You could… These could _be_ something, Blaine. Have you ever thought about writing a musical?”

Blaine had just kissed him wordlessly in response because _no, surely not, he couldn’t, not Blaine, but-_

_What if?_

They didn’t talk about it again that day or for a long while after, but it was like a seed was planted in the back of Blaine’s mind.

For the rest of his senior year, it grew, and it drove him, and it began to grow and blossom into something that felt _possible._

By the time graduation rolled around, Blaine had a song list and characters and a rough structure outlined for a _musical -_ a real, two-act musical. There was no promise that it would get picked up, no promise that it would ever reach the stage, but it still felt like an _accomplishment._

“I’m thinking of calling it… _Trapped in an Elevator,”_ he had told Kurt one morning, looking up from where he laid in Kurt’s arms to look at him, face soft in the early morning light. “It’s a love story. _Our_ love story.”

“Hmmm… Trapped, though? Sounds a little dangerous, don’t you think? ” Kurt had mused teasingly, fingers dancing lightly up and down Blaine’s spine, and he had been right. Blaine had never been able to put his finger on why, but _Trapped in an Elevator_ hadn’t felt quite right. “What about… _A Safe Place?”_

Instantly, Blaine had known that was it. _That_ was his title.

Even still, he was worried about graduating, about entering into the _real world._ Kurt had transitioned so seamlessly, as he always did, but Blaine had never been like that. As well as he had set things up for himself, he was afraid, and he found himself more anxious and on edge and entering a rare pattern of bad days leading up to graduation.

It felt like for the first time, the _next step_ wasn’t obvious. 

When he had graduated high school, he was anxious, too, but the next step was laid out for him: college. The next four years were outlined and secured and _expected,_ and it eased a great deal of fear of the unknown.

Blaine had spent the past _seventeen years_ of his life in school. He couldn’t remember what it was like to _not_ be in school. But suddenly, he was graduating, and he was being thrust out into the world with no place to go, no expected next move, no direction, no _anything._

That wasn’t to say that he didn’t have possibilities. He had his job at the music store and gigs at the bar, and he had his musical in the works. Whether it was just a pipe dream or the potential for something more, he wasn’t sure, but he still _had_ it _._ He had connections with faculty and fellow students from NYU, and he had begun making connections through Kurt, too. He would start taking Broadway auditions, and he would just start putting himself out there however he could to get his songs noticed, to get his ideas noticed, to get _Blaine Anderson_ noticed.

It was a plan of sorts, but it was a risky one, and in the days leading up to graduation, he began missing the safety net of being in school before he was even truly out of it.

Transitions were tough for Blaine, and he knew it, and he had worked with his therapist to prepare and to anticipate his potential reaction, but it was still hard.

It was still uncharted territory, and Blaine was still Blaine. He wasn’t always good with the unknown - in fact, he rarely ever was.

Kurt, however, was exceptionally good at adapting, and he was exceptionally good at being there for Blaine, too.

They had been back in the city for two years, and they had been back _together_ for two years, and though everything they went through to get there still had an effect on him and likely always would, that was all two years ago, too, and it was all dulling into a sense of _normalcy._

Their relationship was incredibly solid, and Blaine had begun wondering about _more._

Kurt had given Blaine back his engagement ring after their breakup, and Blaine kept it after all those years, _just in case._ He wasn’t sure if he wanted Kurt to hypothetically wear the same ring again if and when they _did_ get engaged, and he wasn’t sure if Kurt wanted that, either, but it still didn’t feel right to get rid of it. Instead, it sat in the back of their sock drawer, and they both knew it was there.

In the weeks leading up to Blaine’s graduation, he found himself pulling the box out of the drawer, pulling the ring out of the box, and just...considering.

Their last engagement was rash, fleeting, _stupid,_ even.

Now, getting engaged was the logical next step.

They had talked about their future, of course, and marriage was a part of it. They wanted the big apartment, the family, the status as a Broadway power couple, just like they had always talked about, but now, it felt different. No longer was the future a vague, fuzzy concept that was full of fairytale-like possibility yet so distant, so unreachable.

Now, when they talked about their future, it felt so much more _real,_ so much more _solid._ Blaine could clearly picture Kurt as his husband, Kurt as the father of his children, Kurt as the one he grew old with. _God,_ he wanted it, and he knew the steps he needed to take to get there, laid out realistically before him and _achievable_ for the first time.

They wanted to be together forever, and they both inherently _knew_ they would be.

Their last engagement was a panicked effort to win Kurt back, to keep him.

Now, getting engaged didn’t feel like as much of a pressing _requirement_ at all, and Blaine was okay with that. Maybe it was just a part of growing, of growing up and growing _together._

Their relationship was stable, and their home life was stable, and a ring truly wouldn’t change much, not really. 

Regardless, Blaine still wanted it sooner than later, and he thought Kurt might, too. 

But something was holding Blaine back from taking the leap, from proposing again. He had done the big, grand gesture once before, all the bells and whistles and the big speech and the friends and family and the _excitement,_ and it had been beautiful, but it had been crazy. 

Looking back, he knew it. 

The timing hadn’t been right. As much as they loved each other, Kurt had been right - they _were_ too young back then, even though Blaine had been unable to admit it at the time. They had been nowhere _near_ ready, and it all blew up in their faces.

Now, as solid as they were, Blaine _was_ about to enter another huge transition in his life and shake it all up again. He was about to take a huge jump into the unknown, and as much as he _wanted_ to be engaged to Kurt again, the nagging fear in his mind persisted, as irrational as it may have been. What if the timing wasn’t right?

What if it all blew up in their faces again, some way, somehow?

As logical as getting engaged was, and as much as he wanted it, Blaine knew it was still a big deal. It was still a leap of faith. 

He figured when the moment was truly right, somehow he would know.

Two and a half years ago, Kurt would have never imagined himself to be where he was now. 

He never would have believed that, just a mere year out of college, his career had already begun taking off. Not only was it taking off, but between his role in a small-but-mighty off-Broadway production that he loved so dearly and his continued successes at Vogue, his career was split between his two passions of fashion _and_ musical theater.

He never would have believed that he could have _both._

Not only did he _have_ both, but his performance was beginning to get attention, and the play was beginning to buzz, and he was beginning to get more and more callbacks for bigger shows. He was getting closer and closer to _Broadway._ Beyond that, he had fallen in love with designing jewelry, and after putting together an impressive portfolio, Isabelle had hooked him up with some of her contacts, and he was working with them during his free time at Vogue to explore the potential of _his own brand._

Everything was coming up Kurt, and he sometimes felt like he was living in a dream.

He also would have never believed he would be back with Blaine, happier and healthier than ever. Not only that, but they were _finally_ successfully living together, continuing to master the art of being in one another’s lives without the threat of falling back into one another’s shadows. 

So long ago, Kurt had blindly destroyed the best thing he ever had, only to have his world come crashing down when he saw Blaine in the sheet music store with _Sebastian,_ the one person he had feared losing against most of all. His biggest fear had come true, and he had felt more lost and utterly _hopeless_ than he ever thought possible.

It felt like a lifetime ago and just yesterday all at once.

But now, two and a half years later, Kurt was _happy._

He was happier than he ever could have imagined.

The time in between hadn’t been easy, of course. It was hard watching Blaine in his rough patches, and Kurt had many of his own, too, long nights overworked at Vogue and draining, unproductive rehearsals and frustratingly uninspired sketches that ended up piling up in the trash can, crumpled and torn and given up on. 

More often than not, Kurt was exhausted, and he was stressed, but amongst the hard times were some of the best of Kurt’s life. 

Once he and Blaine figured out the living dynamic that worked for both of them, Kurt couldn’t get enough of the soft morning smiles and fleeting touches, the belly laughs and movie marathons, the nights spent in bed together. There were their nights out, too, when they could afford them and even when they couldn’t, the ones that left them full of excited wonder after seeing a new Broadway show or full of sated happiness after an indulgent meal at a new restaurant.

Plus, there were the nights that were some of Kurt’s favorites, the rare ones where they truly let themselves go over bottles of wine that warmed them from the inside out and made everything fuzzy and syrupy in the best way. Inevitably, they were drawn to one another like magnets on those nights, and Blaine’s touch lit a fire inside of Kurt, making him come alive and making everything else fade far, far into the background.

From the ups to the downs, from the small moments to the big ones, Kurt wanted to make it last forever.

And he was planning on it, too. 

Kurt walked down the street alone after rehearsal, adjusting his messenger bag he took in the sights of the familiar city. He loved living in New York, and it still felt so _new,_ even after all this time. It was so big, so fast-paced and thrumming with energy _,_ and he hoped the novelty would never wear off.

He felt that energy more than ever, running through his veins and making his heart race with anticipation as he reached his destination, taking a deep breath to center himself before stepping inside.

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

He was nervous, but his nerves were well-settled, assured, somehow. 

This was _right._

After another moment, Kurt pulled open the door, slipping into the small, homey jewelry store and breathed in deeply, unable to help a smile from spreading across his face.

He had been in countless jewelry stores across the city in the past several months, networking with owners and searching for inspiration and reference pieces, but most of them were cold, clinical - and far out of Kurt’s budget for personal purchases, to boot. During a detour from the theater on the way to post-rehearsal drinks one afternoon, Kurt had stumbled upon a quiet and cozy storefront that drew him in and captivated him, and from the moment he stepped inside, he _knew._

It was the perfect place.

“Kurt! Here for your pickup?” 

The voice startled Kurt out of his thoughts, and he looked over to the back counter, finding the shop’s owner, Paul, smiling at him, eyes kind and soft.

“I am indeed,” Kurt said breathlessly, a rush of excitement filling his chest as he approached the counter. He tapped his fingers nervously against his thigh as Paul bent down out of his view to rifle through the cabinet, impatient to finally see it for himself.

Kurt had spent months pouring over sketches during his free moments, researching designs and considering the possibilities and discussing options with Paul - all during work hours, never at home. His vision for it was so specific, and he _needed_ it to be perfect.

He had worked so hard to let go of his perfectionist tendencies, but he allowed himself to be a stickler about this, to pick apart every last detail and make sure every last bit of it was _right._

It was meant to last forever, after all.

Finally, _finally,_ Paul was placing a small, velvety box on the counter, Kurt’s heart threatening to beat out of his chest as he flipped the top open, and there it was.

The ring.

 _Blaine’s_ ring.

It was _gorgeous._ Kurt’s budget was modest - they were piecing together part time jobs and working their ways through school, after all, - but he strove to make the most of every penny, and the ring looked much more expensive than its price tag. The tungsten band was thick and silvery, sleek yet masculine, with two caramel wooden bands that outlined a stripe of abalone shell. It was understated until brought into the light, where it glowed in iridescent blues and greens and grays, so much _more_ than Kurt had even envisioned.

Paul had taken Kurt’s idea of capturing the tones of their eyes - the warm, soft browns of the koa wood for Blaine’s and the clear blue and green fractals of the abalone for Kurt’s - and ran with it far beyond his expectations.

“I-It’s perfect,” Kurt breathed, swallowing heavily as he thumbed over the ring, metal cool to the touch. “It couldn’t have turned out any better, really. Thank you. I… Wow.”

“Now we just hope the proposal turns out the same way, huh?” Paul chuckled, ringing up the order at the register.

“I have a feeling it will,” he replied politely, but as a warmth spread through him and made a home in his stomach, Kurt was surprised to find that he meant it.

He hadn’t chosen the day for any particular reason - it was a completely ordinary one, in fact. But Blaine had just graduated college the week prior, meaning they were entering a new chapter in their lives together, and it felt silly to wait any longer.

He had briefly entertained a grand gesture - on top of the Empire State Building, or sneaking into the theater after-hours for an onstage serenade and spectacle, perhaps, or getting all their friends together for a party, or even at Blaine’s graduation, but, in the end, he had decided against it.

They had already _had_ the huge, glamorous proposal once before, and more than ever, Kurt was feeling an increasing appreciation for the beauty in the little things, for the intimate moments of just Kurt-and-Blaine, _together._

He just hoped it was the right choice.

Simplicity aside, Kurt needed it to be perfect. In fact, the understatedness of it just meant that each and every _needed_ to be just right.

Blaine deserved it.

Ring finally in hand, it was well past time for Kurt to get moving. He only had limited time to get everything ready before Blaine was due home for his shift at the music store, and Kurt needed every spare moment he could get.

After what was meant to be a quick stop at the corner market that ran long due to an impossibly slow customer in front of him in line, Kurt was finally home, and he was running desperately behind schedule.

He was scrambling, hurrying back and forth between stowing the ice cream and sundae toppings in the fridge and preheating the oven and getting out the ingredients he needed for dinner and checking the time and _shit,_ he was sweating, and he needed to change his outfit, too.

There wasn’t enough time.

_There wasn’t enough time._

Even still, Kurt persisted, throwing together a quick brownie batter and blindly throwing the pan into the oven before turning his attention to dinner, setting the water to boil and mixing the beginnings of a roux in a pan on the burner.

The meal consisted of all of Blaine’s favorites, of course. Blaine still hung onto his weakness for comfort food, though it had ebbed into a healthy occasional indulgence after his struggle with his weight and body image freshman year. It was similar to Kurt’s own relationship with food, though his affinity leaned towards pizza and cheesecake, making their weekly menu rotations work quite smoothly.

If any occasion called for indulgence, it was this one. The menu may not have been Kurt’s first choice, but it wasn’t about him.

It was all about Blaine.

There would be fettuccine alfredo, and there would be garlic bread, plus a salad, too, though Kurt feared he may have to scrap it for time’s sake. A bottle of Blaine’s favorite white wine was chilling in the fridge, the extravagant kind they rarely allowed themselves to spring for, and there would be brownie sundaes for dessert afterwards, though Kurt partially hoped dessert wouldn’t be on their mind at all.

He worked quickly, and eventually, the sauce was fragrant and warming in the pan, and the pasta was boiling, and the bread was baking alongside the brownies. He took a deep breath - the first time he had really _breathed_ since entering the front door - and nodded to himself.

It was safe to leave for a few minutes.

_Time to change._

His outfit was picked out in his mind - having spent most of his day mentally scanning his closet and cataloguing options, - but as soon as Kurt pulled the pieces out, it felt wrong. _All wrong._

He needed to look perfect for Blaine, and this wasn’t cutting it.

_Not even close._

Distractedly, Kurt dove back into the closet for something else - _anything_ else - and promptly lost himself in the possibilities. It was like everything was either too bright or too dark, too loose or too tight, too casual or too formal, all _so wrong._

He was far too stuck, overtaken by all of it to notice the way his heart began to race, the way his breathing began to come quickly and shallowly, the way he was beginning to utterly _panic._

It wasn’t about the clothes at all, at least not really.

Logically, he knew in the back of his mind that the clothes themselves didn’t matter, but he was too far gone to realize it, overcome by a desperate mantra in his mind of _make it perfect, make it perfect so he’ll say yes, please let him say yes, he has to say yes._

Finally, _finally,_ Kurt began pulling together a halfway decent outfit, and pulled his shirt off to change, but then he heard the front door opening and Blaine calling for him, and he froze.

_Shit._

Time was up.

He was _nowhere_ near ready.

Kurt gaped for a moment, staring at the clothes in his hands as his anxiety suddenly hit him full force, crashing into him like a tsunami of panic and _oh god, it’s not perfect, it’s so far from it._

_How could Blaine possibly say yes without it being perfect?_

“Kurt? Is something burning?” Blaine’s voice called out again, springing Kurt into action.

_Shit. The food._

Kurt bolted, pants unzipped and unbuttoned and undershirt half pulled off and hair a mess, and made a beeline for the stove, completely single-minded and missing Blaine entirely as he pulled open the oven.

_No._

In his haste, he had forgotten to set a timer, and the bread was burnt to a crisp, the brownies not far behind. The sauce on the stove was overheated, too, beginning to turn, the pasta likely a clump of mush, overboiled in the pot.

It was completely unsalvageable.

Kurt instantly deflated, leaning back against the counter with a groan and rubbing his hands over his face, willing away the threatening prickle of tears in his eyes.

_Dammit._

“Hey, what’s going on? Why are you so upset?”

Blaine’s voice, sweet and soft, was suddenly right in Kurt’s ear, his hand warm and strong as it came to rest on Kurt’s arm.

_Blaine._

Sweet, wonderful Blaine.

Kurt suddenly felt so unworthy of him, so _inferior,_ as irrational as it may have been.

After all Blaine had done for him, Kurt just wanted to give Blaine one perfect night in return, a perfect memory to look back on and tell their children about, even tell their _grandchildren_ about.

_Why couldn’t he?_

Feelings aside, Kurt was unable to help but fall into Blaine, arms coming to wrap around his shoulders as he buried his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in deeply and out shakily, allowing himself a moment to deflate.

“Oh, Kurt,” Blaine murmured, rubbing between his shoulder blades in gentle, slow circles, the touch soothing Kurt and grounding him instantly. “I’m sorry, baby. We can just order in, I think- I probably got enough tips at my gig the other night to cover it.”

_God._

Blaine was so kind, so understanding, so _selfless._

“It’s not about the food,” Kurt sighed, pulling back to look at Blaine and shaking his head sadly. “I just- I wanted tonight to be perfect, but… It’s all a mess. I mean, _look_ at me. _I’m_ a mess.”

_Understatement._

He felt like an utterly hopeless wreck, half-undressed and completely disheveled, the exact _opposite_ of what he had wanted Blaine to come home to in every way.

“Well,” Blaine shrugged, looking him up and down and biting back a smile, eyes suddenly sparkling. “This _is_ an interesting outfit choice, I’ll give you that.”

Kurt couldn’t help but smack Blaine’s shoulder gently, a nervous laugh escaping him as the tension slowly began to melt from his body. After all this time, of course Blaine knew exactly how to make him feel better.

And after all this time, Kurt had finally begun to _allow_ him to.

“Shut up,” he grumbled, but he couldn’t help but smile, especially as Blaine leaned in to peck a soft kiss to his nose.

“If it’s not about the food, what’s got you like this?” Blaine asked softly, effectively bringing the conversation back around and reminding Kurt of the matter at hand, of what he was supposed to _do._

His heart jumped in a flurry of butterflies, but he swallowed it down, willing himself not to give it away completely.

Blaine was _so_ sweet, so gentle, eyes so full of pure _love_ in that moment _,_ and Kurt couldn’t help but think that maybe, _maybe_ he still had a chance.

_Maybe he would still say yes._

“I just… I don’t know.” Kurt sighed, looking away for a moment while Blaine, steadfast and patient as ever, rubbed his arms reassuringly. “I wanted to give you what you deserve. I mean, you just graduated, and you’re doing so well and I just- You deserved a perfect night. And it has turned out so…”

_Wrong. Horrible. Irredeemably messy in every way._

There wasn’t a word to truly describe how he felt about it. 

“Do you really think I care about- what, overcooked pasta? Burnt bread? Kurt, I don’t need all that.” 

Suddenly, all of his worries felt so silly, and looking into Blaine’s eyes, warm and open and honest, Kurt couldn’t help but believe him.

Even with a kitchen nightmare, a wardrobe malfunction, an apartment in complete disarray, none of it bothered Blaine. Even with the mess, he was still there, still _happy._

Even after everything they had gone through, breakups and fights and struggles, _Blaine was still there._

Standing amidst the chaos of destroyed plans and ruined food, Kurt suddenly felt the pressing need to do it, to _go_ for it, perfection be damned.

“I know,” he breathed, snaking his arms around Blaine’s neck and pressing a soft kiss to his lips, needing it for himself more than anything to soothe the renewed churning in his stomach. _Take the leap._ “I know. I just- I love you, you know. Which is why… Um. Wait here for a minute?”

_Show time._

Blaine raised his eyebrows in questioning surprise, but Kurt didn’t wait for a response for slipping out from his embrace and hurrying into the bedroom, quickly digging in his discarded jacket’s pocket for the ring box. He took a brief moment to check his appearance in the mirror, to zip and button his fly, adjusting his undershirt and running his fingers through his now-limp hair before returning to the kitchen in a fluid motion before he could overthink it, before he could risk talking himself out of it.

_He could do this._

_Please let him say yes._

A breath hitched in Kurt’s chest as he saw Blaine again, really _seeing_ him for the first time since he had gotten home. He was leaning back against the counter now, looking slightly worn from a long day at work but still bright and curious, effortlessly handsome and utterly _incredible_ in every possible way.

After all these years, after all they had been through, he still took Kurt’s breath away.

“Kurt, what’s going on?” Blaine asked suspiciously, furrowing his brow, and Kurt realized he was frozen in place, just _staring_ at Blaine. 

He felt completely shaken, completely out of body, yet somehow, he felt so _sure_ of what he was about to do.

He just needed to find the words to do it.

“Blaine, I- I love you,” he said dumbly, stepping up to Blaine again and taking both of his hands in his own, squeezing them gently.

“So I’ve heard,” Blaine teased, but his voice was full of uncertainty. “I love you, too, I-”

“Just let me talk for a second.”

Kurt bit his lip as he looked into Blaine’s eyes for a long moment, taking a deep breath.

_Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for eight._

He was afraid to put himself out there, and he was terrified of the small-but-surely-present chance that it could all go so wrong, but Blaine was worth taking the chance.

Blaine was worth anything.

_Now or never._

“Blaine, we… You and I have been through so much together, more than many other people have, I think. I-It feels like a lifetime since we met back in high school, and from the very first moment we did, I couldn’t imagine _not_ knowing you, not having you in my life.”

Kurt paused to let out a shaky breath, his words coming out all too quickly. Blaine stayed quiet, patient, watching him seriously as his thumbs stroked over Kurt’s knuckles back and forth, back and forth, silently encouraging him.

“It hasn’t always been easy,” he continued, giving his hands a gentle squeeze. “God, my _life_ hasn’t always been easy. Before you, I was- I was in a dark place, and even though I knew who I was, I couldn’t find where I _fit._ It was like no one really saw me, no one really… knew what to _do_ with me, and I didn’t know what the point of all of it was. I was fighting every damn day, but I didn’t know what I was fighting _for._ Then you came along.”

Kurt swallowed back the lump in his throat as he watched a tear slip down Blaine’s cheek, eyes shining. Fighting back tears of his own, Kurt gave him a watery smile, letting go of his hand briefly to reach up, brushing Blaine’s cheek gently with his thumb.

“I still had to fight, but… the moment you came along, it felt so much more _worth_ it. It was like deep down, I still had this tiny flicker of hope, and you made it feel _possible_ for the first time. Ever since, I...I’ve never lost that. Even after all we went through, the-the breakups, and the fighting, and… God, _everything_ we went through to get to where we are now… The fact that you and I are standing here in _our apartment,_ building a life together… I-I’m _never_ going to stop fighting for you, Blaine. I’m never going to stop fighting for _us.”_

Blaine was crying now, and he let out a soft, choked sob. Kurt barely suppressed one of his own, the emotions threatening to overtake him completely, but he knew he couldn’t let them.

_Not yet._

“You’ve taught me so much, Blaine. You make me want to be better. You make me want to grow for myself and for you, too, for us and for our _future._ I’m so proud of who you’ve become and who _we’ve_ become, and I- I’d go through all of the pain and the heartache and the whirlwind of these past few years with you all over again if I had to because it’s made you the man that you are today. It’s made you the man that I am so, _so_ proud to be with, and I… I want to be with you always. I want to keep growing with you forever.”

Holding one of Blaine’s hands, Kurt shakily sunk down to one knee, pulling the small box out of his back pocket. He fumbled to open the box, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Blaine, completely enthralled and impossibly enamored as his heart pounded in his chest.

“Blaine Devon Anderson,” Kurt choked out, faintly registering a tear finally escaping and sliding down his face, though it didn’t faze him as he presented the ring with a shaky hand. “You are the love of my life. Y-You are my soulmate, and I-I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. Will you-”

 _“Yes,_ of course- _Kurt,”_ Blaine gasped before he could even get the question out, falling to his knees in front of Kurt and throwing his arms around him, grasping Kurt so tightly that he nearly couldn’t breathe. Ring safely in hand, Kurt wrapped his arms around his fiance - his _fiance -_ and held him close, tears streaming down his cheeks as he realized Blaine was _shaking,_ and Kurt was completely overcome.

After a long moment, Kurt pulled away just enough to kiss Blaine passionately, pouring all of his love and emotion and relief and excitement into it. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as they got lost in one another, making Kurt feel like he was nearly on fire, about to burst with the feeling of Blaine everywhere, Blaine in his arms and under his hands and in his _bones._

“God, I love you,” Blaine sighed shakily into his mouth, and Kurt smiled, kissing him softly once, twice, three times before pulling away.

“I love you, too,” he said breathlessly, unable to help but grin as he suddenly felt so _relieved,_ almost childlike in his happiness, but there was still one missing piece, one unknown variable. “Do- Do you want to see it? The ring? I, um. Kind of spent a lot of time on it.”

 _Please let him like it. Please let him_ love _it._

Blaine nodded, and Kurt shifted, kneeling on the floor completely now and leaning back on his calves as he presented the ring box to Blaine again, flipping the lid open.

And there it was.

 _“Kurt,”_ Blaine breathed, reaching out with a shaky hand to touch the ring delicately, finger running over the curve of it. “It’s- It’s incredible, it’s… I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“You like it?” Kurt asked softly, voice small, just needing to _know_ for sure, under no uncertain terms.

“I _love_ it. It’s perfect, I- _Wow.”_

_Relief._

Fumbling slightly, Kurt pulled the ring out of its box, reaching for Blaine’s left hand with the other, thumb stroking across his fingers gently.

“You know, I never finished asking you,” he couldn’t help but tease, leaning in to press a fleeting, gentle kiss to Blaine’s lips. “How do you know what you’re agreeing to?”

Blaine just beamed at him.

“If you’re asking, my answer is yes. No matter what,” he murmured, reaching up to cup Kurt’s face with his free hand, thumb stroking across his damp cheek.

“You’re so cheesy,” Kurt grinned, sliding the ring onto Blaine’s finger in a fluid motion before kissing him again, slow and deep.

“You love it,” Blaine hummed happily in response, sliding his hand back to thread his fingers in Kurt’s hair to pull him impossibly closer.

“Mm, I do. Marry me,” Kurt breathed into Blaine’s mouth, kissing him again and again and again right there on the kitchen floor, unable to pull himself away long enough to do anything else. Blaine was there, and he was _everything,_ and he was all that mattered, all that _ever_ mattered and all that _would_ matter for the rest of their lives.

_“Yes.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again for reading, we appreciate each and every one of you!
> 
> if you'd like to see what blaine's ring looked like, think of it as something like this: bit.ly/3iA0ryp

**Author's Note:**

> let us know what you think!!


End file.
